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Thread: TheDuke Needs Help with an Ex

  1. #1
    TheDuke's Avatar
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    Default TheDuke Needs Help with an Ex

    Hey guys! Normally I don't ask questions on here and I typically provide a lot of advise, so this is a little out of the norm (and frankly, a little uncomfortable). But I respect the communities opinion and I believe that it will be less biased than others I may speak with.

    So over the past few weeks I've put aside my philandering and gaming and really started to reevaluate myself. I've really started to work on some deep rooted problems I have been having. While game has worked wonderfully for me, I still often feel empty and alone (and not in the existential sense that you're supposed to feel). Anyways, I've discovered that my childhood and early life has likely led to an adulthood that is characterized by attachment and abandonment issues. Some may call these inner game problems, or what have you, but ultimately these are deep seeded problems that I have been experiencing and they are separate from traditional "game" (my ability to pick up women has not been overly impacted).

    To put my story into context for everyone, I got into game seriously about a year ago after my girlfriend of about nine years broke it off with me and we have been out of contact since that time. Without going into too much detail, we started dating in high school and this girl was, and remains, very important to me. Our separation was caused by several different factors, including long-distance, my loss of "self" within the relationship, a loss of confidence that I had at the start of our relationship, and ultimately, what I believe are some severe psychological issues that I am only now starting to work through.

    Throughout our relationship my ex would often express opinions and feelings about my behaviors and relationships with other people that I would disregard as her own insecurities. I would tell her she should go "talk to someone" about those issues and work on them.

    After working through some of my own issues over the past year, I've made some huge progress recently and I now realize that many of the opinions and feelings she expressed were consistent with psychological issues I've been dealing with.

    I finally realize that a lot of what I've done has been extremely harmful to both my ex and myself. In order to gain closure on this and also because I care deeply for my ex as a person, I would like to express an apology to her and validate the feelings that I had rejected for so long. I'm not looking to game her, get her back, or even get a reply from her. However, I don't want to send an apology to her if doing so would be selfish (i.e., solely serves my purposes but is harmful to her).

    So here's my question, should I send her an apology?
    "It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything."

  2. #2
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    Default Re: TheDuke Needs Help with an Ex

    You have to do so, admitting you where wrong is something you need to do for your benefit. In this instance I believe that both sides need closure. I honestly do not think any harm would come of it.

    So long as it isn't about solely about redemption to qualify yourself you are set. Don't get me wrong apologies are all about self redemption but are only noble if you expect nothing in return and gracefully take any return that you get in a constructive and rational way.
    Last edited by hometownextra; 11-07-2013 at 05:06 PM. Reason: Typos
    Learn to be a better person not a better player.

  3. #3
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    Default Re: TheDuke Needs Help with an Ex

    Come on guys, I'd love to hear some more opinions on this.
    "It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything."

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    Default Re: TheDuke Needs Help with an Ex

    As would I. I cannot be the only voice of reason on this one. I know that The Duke isn't asking for much here considering how much he has helped most of us at one point or another. Even if it was advice on loading your pockets full of Monopoly money and going to work to prove point. Which coincidentally worked.
    Learn to be a better person not a better player.

  5. #5
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    Default Re: TheDuke Needs Help with an Ex

    I'll gladly voice my opinion for the Dukester here.

    An apology routed straight from the heart is one that ALWAYS needs to be said. One thing I'm always trying to find a balance between is that of a PUA and that of a man. As time has been passing, I've been using every waking moment as a means to merge the two. It's a slow merger. While the the merger is taking place, a delicate line forms that you try to tread. That line consists of what you should be doing as a PUA, and what you WANT to do as a man (even if it doesn't agree with PUA rules).

    The ironic thing about PUA is that you learn all these guidelines and rules to follow in the beginning, but in the end stages it's ALL about being yourself. Why? Those very "rules and regulations" shape your being, and cultivate you into a better version of yourself. Duke, my friend, you are in the later stages. The decisions you make, whether beknownst to you are not, are rooted in the philosophies of PUA, your character, your life, and your environment. You've made the merger.

    So with all of that said, never doubt yourself. Do what your heart is telling you, and not what you believe might be the correct thing to do. There is no right or wrong answer, there is only what feels right to you. I can tell you want to make this apology, so by all means do it. If I were in your shoes, I would definitely make the apology too. Even if it was something she never read, it would be a means of forgiving myself for the errors that I made. Reap the benefits of closure, and may you grow in the experience.

    Don't hold back and let her know everything that you want to tell her.

    Edit: Welcome back Hometown

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    Default Re: TheDuke Needs Help with an Ex

    When I saw the title, I had to post.

    Honestly, Duke, what you're telling us seems to be what you want to voice to her. Keep in mind, it doesn't need to be an apology for her to take what you have to say to heart. I'm sure you've come a long way from the guy she was with years ago, so I suggest more of a letter of explanation and self discover with apologetic notes.

    Closure is important, and I think it's great that you're ok with not hearing a response from her (even though it's likely you will) because it shows that this is strictly an emotional weight that you want to lose; which I commend you for.
    I wish I was little bit taller
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  7. #7
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    Default Re: TheDuke Needs Help with an Ex

    I'm a little surprised by the unanimous direction of the responses. I honestly feel like this is walking a thin line because the margin of doing this for selfish reasons vs. doing this for the proper reasons is very thin.

    Bimmer: As to whether it needs to be an apology or not, I don't think it matters what you call it, it has to have the elements of an apology. A letter of explanation and/or self-discovery would feel like it has an agenda. That's definitely not what I want.

    lilsting and hometown: I think you guys make some good points, but I do caution against the unbridled apology that lilsting is emphasizing. I really think that letting your emotions run without control can be one of the most damaging things you can do. In order to avoid falling into that trap, I make sure that anything I write/say of importance I write it down first including all the emotions, step aside from it, and then come back to it with an eye for the logical.

    Anyways, thanks for the responses. If anyone else has an opinion I'd like to hear it.
    "It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything."

  8. #8
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    Default Re: TheDuke Needs Help with an Ex

    Woah man yur outta line.bet you hurt her.Whatever you want to get across may present here.never aplogize directly sometimes it may come off.depends on..but then yh.Peace

  9. #9
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    Default Re: TheDuke Needs Help with an Ex

    Quote Originally Posted by TheDuke View Post
    I'm a little surprised by the unanimous direction of the responses. I honestly feel like this is walking a thin line because the margin of doing this for selfish reasons vs. doing this for the proper reasons is very thin.

    Bimmer: As to whether it needs to be an apology or not, I don't think it matters what you call it, it has to have the elements of an apology. A letter of explanation and/or self-discovery would feel like it has an agenda. That's definitely not what I want.

    lilsting and hometown: I think you guys make some good points, but I do caution against the unbridled apology that lilsting is emphasizing. I really think that letting your emotions run without control can be one of the most damaging things you can do. In order to avoid falling into that trap, I make sure that anything I write/say of importance I write it down first including all the emotions, step aside from it, and then come back to it with an eye for the logical.

    Anyways, thanks for the responses. If anyone else has an opinion I'd like to hear it.
    You misunderstand me. I'm saying follow what you want to do, and in doing that the proper message will develop. That's because you are in the later stages of "game". I couldn't tell a noobie to do the same thing because they'll end up writing a super needy, DLV, image damaging message.

  10. #10
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    Default Re: TheDuke Needs Help with an Ex

    I do not think self image is really a concern on this one it isn't about redemption or re qualification to the duke at this point. It is just about mending a wrong that he feels compelled to own up to.
    Last edited by hometownextra; 11-08-2013 at 05:27 PM. Reason: Typo
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