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  1. #1
    Vidar is offline PUA in Training
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    Default How to smooth over a relationship with an ex & not wanting her back!

    My apologies if this is in the wrong section but as I don't want the ex back well I didn't think it belonged in that sub forum.

    Essentially I was with the ex girlfriend for 7 years and it was always pretty rocky but I chose to stay with her because she got pregnant with out son and then our daughter (big mistake on my part, not the kids, but staying) In the last year things got bad... She became violent towards me, and eventually cheated which finally made me leave...

    The past 12 months have been a hellish court battle over custody/access to the kids which is all done and dusted with now, an arrangement that although isn't perfect is something I'm happy with as I can't get custody.

    Anyway after the court case was finished the ex expressed interest in us trying to be friendly for the sake of the kids but the one or two suggestions I've offered have gone ignored like meeting for a coffee or taking the children to McDonalds together for an hour.

    I must stress I do not want this violent, mind game playing woman in my life at all if I had the choice but as she will be in it for the next 15 years at least. I want to be in control of the situation, I want her friendly for the sake of the kids but have no idea how to go about it as we can't even exchange words without her becoming hostile.

    I have to admit there is a part of me that would love to think of her as pining for our relationship with no chance of it ever happening again but my main concern is my childrens well being and her attitude is causing them problems!

    Help please guys...

  2. #2
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    Swagman is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: How to smooth over a relationship with an ex & not wanting her back!

    Wow, that's just awful man. No guy should have to go through that sh1t

    This woman sounds controlling, self-centered, and just a bad influence in your life. She can't even see that her negativity could be potentially harmful to the well-being of your kids.

    Your best bet is this: the next time you go to pick up your kids, or drop them off, just have a moment with her, sit down, and bring up your concerns. Tell her that you want what is best for the kids, and what is best is if the two of you got along and actually did things together with them. Also tell her that the fighting and anger between you two needs to stop. Such things like that can have a bad impact on your children.

    If she still responds negatively or virtually shoots you down, then there's only one thing left you can do: ignore her and move on. Don't occupy yourself with a mother who is too blind to see the consequences of her actions. Don't talk to her, don't try to bridge any gaps with her, don't do anything. The only thing that should concern you is making the most of every moment you get to have with your kids. Show them what a great father you are, and maybe even bring a new woman into your life, one who would be wonderful, supportive, and a good mother-model for your kids. In due time, they will choose you over the abusive mother.

    I wish you the best in this situation, and I hope the light at the end of the tunnel comes soon and bright for you.
    "There is no better than adversity. Every defeat, every heartbreak, every loss, contains its own seed, its own lesson on how to improve your performance the next time." - Malcolm X

  3. #3
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    twentynine is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: How to smooth over a relationship with an ex & not wanting her back!

    My parents divorced when I was about 6, and I remember them arguing every time they were together afterwards. It was hard on me and I think it would have made huge differences in my childhood had they gotten along. So this is definitely an important thing for you to get under control, and I think it's fantastic that you are reaching out and searching for a solution.. My folks probably never did.

    The first thing you need to do is take responsibility and be accountable for your own side of this. I understand in a lot of these situations there can be an instigator/antagonist, causing most of the tension and stress that leads to the arguement, but at the end of they day, it still takes two to tango. Try to take a step back and see if there are any small things you could do to prevent the arguements from happening etc.. Ask advice from friends and family who have witnessed the 2 of you doing it and whether or not there is anything they can suggest that you could do.

    You've probably already tried taking her aside, reasoning with her, telling her you guys need to get along for the kids etc. And it probably hasn't worked. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if that is what is igniting the argumements in some cases. Ignoring her, moving on, and meeting someone new all sounds wonderful for YOU, but this will make things much worse for your children, who in this situation - as you seem to understand - are the major priority. This will very likely only add fuel to her fire and heighten whatever underlying resentment she has for you. You can't ignore her if you have to keep seeing her for the next 15 years.

    I do believe there is something underlying that is causing all her animosity towards you. I would highly suggest considering the two of you talking to a relationship counseller; Someone you can talk to about your relationship before and after seperating, who would more likely be able to clarify where this hostility is manifesting and how you guys can make your situation work, and get along for your kids sake. There should be plenty of options in your area.

    All the best!

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