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  • 1 Post By Swagman
  • 1 Post By lilsting

Thread: Post Break-Up Contact

  1. #1
    Drukkar is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Post Break-Up Contact

    My ex and I ended stopped communicating about 3 weeks ago. We have been broken up since November of 2012, however kept seeing and sleeping with eachother well past that point more so as a fling sort of thing and tbh I stayed and didn't go cold turkey on her because we work together and I was trying to avoid a scene, so much to the point of where I adopted AFC behavior to have her hopefully get to the point of where she didn't want me anymore and she could move on, until around June 2014, at which point we both travelled for summer and she finally began to pull away.

    Problem was that I had eventually contracted the infamous oneitis due to the AFC emotions and behavior I had first started to use in order to push her away without having to be a dick to her. (I like to try to re-invent the wheel so to speak)

    When we both got back from our vacations the atmosphere between us changed. She ended up 'breaking-up' with me, just as I had intended, although it took a lot longer than expected...

    Anyways, I had taken it reaaaally badly, as in imagine your worst AFC moment... X100. I figured why not be the complete embodiment of an AFC, when I was thinking clearly I had made the choice to stop dating her for multiple reasons, and I had to keep up with the idea that I made that choice when i was thinking clearly and with my best intentions in mind.

    To the point now... I blocked her on my phone 3 weeks ago and stopped trying to initiate conversation with her... I want to send her a txt asking how she's doing, because at te end of the day whether she is with me or not (I don't care anymore, okok maybe I do a little, but that'll go in time), Is till just want to know how her life is going.mwhat do y'all think? Would messaging her be fine? Or should I go back to my alpha quality of not giving two shits?

  2. #2
    lilsting's Avatar
    lilsting is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Post Break-Up Contact

    Depends on what you want. I recommend to all my friends to go cold for a long time after a break up so it gives them a chance to move past their feelings. If you don't want her back, don't contact, not yet anyway. Give yourself some time to get past your feelings. Now if you do want her back, you need to erase those past AFC behaviors. She was attracted to you because you acted like you didn't give a shit, so you essentially want to get back to that point.

  3. #3
    Drukkar is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Post Break-Up Contact

    Hard decision... I don't think that I necessarily want her, specifically, back. It's more so the intense / passionate look she had when she would look at me, just having a gf in general is what I think I'm missing.

    Besides, my ex is supposed to get married in February 2014. So, no, I'm not trying to get back with her., i simply want to know how she is emotionally cuz she isa. Trainwreck when bad things happen in her life.

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Post Break-Up Contact

    I personally think it would be a very bad idea to go after her. Why do you want to continue to pursue someone if you know that it is destroying your game? You admit that you are becoming an AFC because of what you are doing, and what the two of you were having was not a real relationship. It was only friends with benefits, and true dating goes far beyond just having each other around to sleep with. I understand what it feels like to be so attached to someone after they are gone, and I can say from personal experience that it is a terrible and pathetic experience. You just have to fight the urge to dwell on things and move on.

    Of course you still have to be civil and friendly with her. If she is in the same workplace as you, it would be a very bad idea to turn on her and become negative. A real alpha quality would be to not only move on from her, but to be supportive of her as she is going into her new marriage. It's an alpha quality because it demonstrates acceptance, passage, and an ability to transition things into a new context.

    On one last note, why are you worried about what she thinks? The more you occupy yourself with how someone else feels, the more likely you are to screw up your own game. You just have to accept things as they are, assume she is doing alright, and move on. She is no longer in a relationship with you, so you no longer have an obligation to worry about what she thinks.
    "There is no better than adversity. Every defeat, every heartbreak, every loss, contains its own seed, its own lesson on how to improve your performance the next time." - Malcolm X

  5. #5
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    Default Re: Post Break-Up Contact

    If that's the case than move on. There are plenty of women out there for you to pursue, and if all you really miss is just having a girlfriend, let this one go. Like Swag said, it's definitely tough, but it will build within you resilience, strength of mind, and character.

    On a side note sounds like shes been cheating on her future husband with you, not good. You don't want to be that guy that goes around spreading pain.

  6. #6
    Drukkar is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Post Break-Up Contact

    Quote Originally Posted by Swagman View Post
    I personally think it would be a very bad idea to go after her. Why do you want to continue to pursue someone if you know that it is destroying your game? You admit that you are becoming an AFC because of what you are doing, and what the two of you were having was not a real relationship. It was only friends with benefits, and true dating goes far beyond just having each other around to sleep with. I understand what it feels like to be so attached to someone after they are gone, and I can say from personal experience that it is a terrible and pathetic experience. You just have to fight the urge to dwell on things and move on.

    Of course you still have to be civil and friendly with her. If she is in the same workplace as you, it would be a very bad idea to turn on her and become negative. A real alpha quality would be to not only move on from her, but to be supportive of her as she is going into her new marriage. It's an alpha quality because it demonstrates acceptance, passage, and an ability to transition things into a new context.

    On one last note, why are you worried about what she thinks? The more you occupy yourself with how someone else feels, the more likely you are to screw up your own game. You just have to accept things as they are, assume she is doing alright, and move on. She is no longer in a relationship with you, so you no longer have an obligation to worry about what she thinks.
    Hey swagman,

    I think you misunderstood me a bit, my intentions of getting in contact with her again is because I genuinely care about her well-being, I have no intentions of getting back with her or leading her on. Also, at this point I don't care about her opinion of me she's only proven to me that she knows very little of what she talks about and knows nothing of what she really wants in life, but thats a different subject. Assuming that she is alright would only be lying to myself because I know better. She's not someone who is happy in life, and I want o help her change that and see that happiness comes from within, in her own time obviously.

    Thanks for the great advice though!

  7. #7
    Drukkar is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Post Break-Up Contact

    Quote Originally Posted by lilsting View Post
    If that's the case than move on. There are plenty of women out there for you to pursue, and if all you really miss is just having a girlfriend, let this one go. Like Swag said, it's definitely tough, but it will build within you resilience, strength of mind, and character.

    On a side note sounds like shes been cheating on her future husband with you, not good. You don't want to be that guy that goes around spreading pain.
    On your side note, she was. If they had a normal and healthy relationship then I wouldn't of have considered it, however he had cheated on her 3 times before I had convinced myself that it was ok to sleep with her.


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