I am 25 my girlfriend of 11 months is 22.
She has ADD, dyslexia, dyspraxia and it's very obvious she has reactive attachment disorder. Anyway, just before christmas we were at the best point of our entire relationship. She's always had a lot of difficulty giving and accepting affection which put a lot of strain on me, but on Christmas eve she managed to relax more than she ever had.
I live about 50 minutes away from her. On boxing day she started to act a bit odd and a week later asked to meet up for a chat and food. She told me that on boxing day she watched "street dance 2" and decided she wanted to learn to dance, but then told her self "my boyfriend won't be able to because he lives too far away". She then got a bad gut feeling about me and didn't express this until it had snowballed in her mind when we spoke. I explained to her why it's not an issue and I'd love to go and dance, though it did not seem to help her much. We both had a very stressful anxious day. When her train arrived, she gave me a kiss and a hug and left. I stood there as she got in as I didn't want to leave so fast, and her train left. I walked away and felt so cold and empty inside. The wind blew and it felt like it went right through me. I started crying at the thought of losing her, and I didn't stop until I fell asleep at about midnight that night, 5-6 hours later. I hadn't felt that alone and upset for years.
I think the whole negativity of it all has kept her thinking about the 'bad stomach feeling' she has, and kept it there. There is no reason for her to feel that at all. So now I feel that despite the distance being no problem, her bad gut feeling remains and I'm left in turmoil until she decides what to do.
I know that she doesn't want to leave things. I could tell by the tone of her voice when we spoke about it. Shes scared of leaving, but if the feeling won't go away she will.
She works on a farm and its lambing season and shes working 16 hours a day at the moment so we won't get to see each other for a month or two, but she said after that we can go dancing and she will see if her tummy feeling goes away.
Since then I've figured "I have two months to do what I can do help her relax, decide what she wants in her mind and help get rid of her gut feeling". I love her and im terrified of losing her. At first I thought it best not to show how scared i am as it seemed to make her worse in person when we discussed it. So for a few days I tried to act completely normal, happy, I'd text her a bit more than often, I managed to make her laugh etc. Then she told my friend that she still has a bad gut feeling, so I felt maybe I should give her some space. I didn't speak for three days and got on with my own thing. I could tell this made her anxious and she started a conversation with me on facebook, which she left mid sentence (normal for her to do odd things like that).
Basically, I don't know what to do! I don't know whether to give her a big break, let her get on with her work and me mine, then get back to her in a few weeks, or to stay in contact, but not talk about the issue at all and try to be positive. Or do I try to talk to her about it, and possibly make it worse in her mind (or better).....?...whic h leads me to the next part...
She finds it extremely difficult to express emotion and understand emotion, almost in an autistic way, so talking about issues like this is not the easiest option. She managed to talk about it in person and was so afraid that she was shaking and trembling, and then the slightest anxiety she saw me have made it even worse for her (and may have been the reason it made the whole issue worse). Saying this, she is not shy and very talkative. She makes friends easily though only shallow relationships. She is not shy of talking to new people or starting conversations and is good at continuing them as well.
I really don't know what to do. She hasn't been talking much and has distanced herself understandably and I've been pondering all day, everyday what the best thing for me to do would be in order to maximise chances of her letting go of that big blotch of negativity that she's created in her mind. We were doing so well before christmas and now this!
I've figured out is probably just a latent negativity in her, caused by the emotional stress of it all as (I know) she is afraid of losing me, but also scared of this feeling she has. She also is a compulsive thinker and likes to control everything, espcially herself. I'm wondering if she is trying to forget about the issue so much, that it's keeping it an issue for her?! I have no idea!
Any help and suggestions/thoughts will be greatly appreciated.
If I gave her lots of space, maybe she will forget about it all and realise that she wants what we used to have? If I keep messaging her maybe it will give her reason to keep it on her mind!? Or vice versa? I'm so stuck as to what to do it's killing me!
So to sum it up. I have about 2.5 months where I won't see her due to heavy work. She warned me of this about 8 months ago, and though many will question that this is strange, I accept it, she warned me and it's fine. A bit of space is good. And now, I feel that its probably very good because she is waiting till after those 2.5 months are up to go dancing with em to see if her 'bad gut feeling' dissapears. This gives me 2.5 months to help her relax and hopefully dissolve the silly feeling she had that started just becuase she assumed something wrongly! I have wondered also whether I should do a mix of both. Maybe give her space for a week or two, then come back and be positive and happy etc, then space etc again... I have literaly spent all day for the past two weeks trying to figure out the best thing to do and I'd really appreciate some help.
Please don't tell me to leave. I'd rather be dumped than leave to be honest becuase I love her, despite all her problems. And I also know that she is afraid of leaving as well, she doesn't want to, and that is why she wants to try to get rid of the feeling. But another fear I have is that her very 'trying' is making it stay possibly? Maybe she just needs to forget about it, in which case forget about me for a while, and thus giving her space would be a good thing? But then I question that maybe the space will make her more worried.
The big problem is she never communicates her feelings with me, and if I try to get her to she distances herself, because she finds it very difficult to do so, so I'm left in the dark with trying to do what I feel is best.
So I'd really appreciate some help with this, and not just people saying "leave" etc. I want to know the best path in order to maximise our chances of survival, which means helping her forget about, or dissolve that 'bad gut feeling' which started after a silly thought she had!
Hope someone can help, and thankyou very much if you've read this far, I really appreciate it.