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Thread: She is confusing me... where do I stand?

  1. #1
    pepito is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default She is confusing me... where do I stand?

    Hey mates,



    I am really feeling confused with this girl. I sometimes have the impression she likes me, but I also have the impression my mind is playing tricks on me. I don't have anyone to ask, so I really need the advice and opinion of fellow dudes that know how to deal with these type of situations.



    I will begin with a small summary about me: I am a 29 yo guy who has little experience in love. I used to be in a 3-year relationship, but that was already 4 years ago. I decided to devote myself to my career just after the breakup but I started dating again after a while. My problem is that I have not managed to connect with any of the girls I have met (or simply they were not attracted to me).

    So, there's this girl I know from work. We met 3 years ago and have become quite close. She has a boyfriend but things haven't been going very well between them for a while. They are actually officially breaking up next month (he’s moving away).

    Given her relationship status, I have never made a move on her (even more so because she is a colleague). I have always treated her as a platonic friend, listened to my problems and she to mine. She has actually been my wingman when we go to parties and events (girls are less defensive when I approach them). On her side, she is on the lookout for guys and asks for my opinion on potential suitors. She has been complaining for a while that she needs a new boyfriend and she’s always pointing out one or two guys she sees in the street. So, it's not like she sees me as a potential suitor and focuses on other guys.

    It's only during the last year that we came to know each other better and have been hanging a lot together. It’s actually funny because everyone sees us together all the time and people think we are dating. We are similar in many aspects and I have to admit that, besides my ex, there hasn't been another person with whom I have had such a deep level of connection (we understand quite well each other’s needs and we complement each other quite nicely).

    I sometimes have the impression that she likes me because of small little things:

    *she touches me a lot
    *she calls me at least twice per day even though we see each other at work quite often
    *she sometimes drops little hints (for example, we live in a very multicultural city and we were discussing about our preferred nationalities. She then said she will probably end up with a “my nationality”, which was weird because I am the only person of my country she knows)

    There are times when it is clear that I am in the friend-zone (and I am fine with that as I never intended to take things further), but there are times where I get the impression that she sees me as something more (she has several girlfriends, yet she only calls me).

    Now, to be realistic, let’s talk about the shortcomings in our “relationship”:

    I suspect I simply am a convenient friend that does the job of comforting her... for now... She needs as she has no one for emotional support and is searching for someone. She comes to me to be comforted when things don't work out of her. To her defence, she has always been there when I have been down or weak. Then again, I am the only male of her age in her social circle. She possibly hangs on to me until she meets someone else.

    There are also some aspects of her personality that have been scaring me/turning me off:

    *I have seen how she treated her future ex-bf. She always criticises him behind his back.Almost everyone knows she will dump him. In front of him, she pretends to be nice, in love and caring. The guy doesn’t suspect anything. She is not in love with him anymore for almost a year now and she never dared discuss with him. She’s just waiting for him to move out of the country (due to unemployment) to break up with him.
    *She is quite vain and harsh with people who look average. I have taken her to a few parties and she always enjoys looking down on average-looking people (and makes fun of them) I am not a playboy myself, so I suspect she would think the same of me had it not been our "friends" status.
    *Show me who your friends are and I will tell you who you are: all her gfs had been encouraging her to cheat on her bf. What kind of friends are they (they have been doing the same to their own bfs)? She could have cheated but hasn’t not, yet.She has a history of being in triangular love relationships with 2 guys.

    So, taking all these things into account:

    *I don't want to be the rebound guy once she breaks up
    *I don't want to be a convenient friend that she will toss around once she gets a new boyfriend (most likely scenario)
    *Even if we hook up together, I don't want to be the guy she will badmouth to others behind my back and pretend to be in love when in front of me.

    So, is it my desperation (for being single for so long) that is playing tricks on me? Am I so desperate that I want to believe that she likes me? Is she simply playing tricks on me and uses me for emotional comfort?

    I see all these red flags, yet I also realise I have not managed to connect so much with anyone these past few years. It is so nice being on the same wavelength as someone. I have met plenty (really plenty) of girls and there was zero chemistry. It makes me quite sad that the only person with whom it could potentially work has so many negative traits. I have the impression I have replied to my own question, but it would help a lot if someone objective could give me his/her opinion.

    Thanks in advance everyone and really sorry for the long post…
    Cheers!

  2. #2
    msa173's Avatar
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    Default Re: She is confusing me... where do I stand?

    Hey go for it - just know that once you cross that bridge and try to fuck her it will be almost impossible to go back. BTW your scenario is quite common with wing women guys end up banging them.
    Looking for new wings in LA let me know if you want to sarge together.

  3. #3
    DirectIsBest's Avatar
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    Default Re: She is confusing me... where do I stand?

    It sounds to me that she has some interest in you. Through my personal experience, I've found that if I "think" a girl might be interested, she is interested.

    Lets talk about these red flags my friend. I've gone down that road and I've learned that you should NEVER date a girl if you see ANY red flags. Trust me, those red flags are your intuition screaming NO to you. You already know what she will do if you date her, you just don't want to listen.

    That being said, If you want to hook up with her, go for it. You could easily be her "rebound" F-buddy. I wouldn't get your emotions involved however and I definitely wouldn't "date" her.

  4. #4
    pepito is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: She is confusing me... where do I stand?

    Thanks to both of you for your replies.

    I have been thinking about it and my intuition is telling me not to do it (and my intuition has never been wrong, believe me, it's like a sixth sense). The fact that we are working in the same team is also a factor to be taken into account.

    Overall, she does make a good friend but I am uncertain as to whether she makes a good gf. Besides the red flags I mentioned, there are also other little things that ticked me off.

    For example:

    *She refuses to take the pill and has obliged all her previous LTR bfs to use condoms (yeah, we even talk about that). To me, this is a total turnoff. I can't feel anything with a condom (tried them all) and I am grateful my ex was understanding enough to take the pill.
    *She doesn't seem to be very touchy-feely. She kept complaining how her bf was sticking to her like a dog and trying to cuddle all the time. I understand she needs her space, especially after a hard day of work, but we used to cuddle and hold hands a lot with my ex. I won't even dare imagine how her sex-life is...

    Ya know, these are small things but if you add them all up, they can make your life miserable.

    Also, to be honest, whenever she calls me, it's to complain about something half of the time. I tried to push her away on multiple occasions, but she keeps coming back. It's like she's dependent on me.

    So, I guess I will keep looking. I just wanted to confirm if other people have had similar experiences with gals.

  5. #5
    I.M.Mortal's Avatar
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    Default Re: She is confusing me... where do I stand?

    I agree with Direct. I've been down that road before as well. And it's a road best not traveled. All these red flags are there for a reason.

    Just remember: Learning the arts of seduction is also about establishing a strong identity for yourself, self awareness, and weeding out women who are incompatible. If you feel a need to settle for less, then that is neediness. Always go into a relationship as a complement, not for completion.

    I can also say from my experience the opposite - that there is someone out there for you that have ZERO red flags, lots of things in common, that you will feel a strong connection to. But to find her and be ready for her, you need to work on your game. How? By treating women like this as batting practice. Don't be afraid to lose her.

    Next time, she says something that turns you off like being critical of average people. Disqualify her playfully. Tell something like "Oh my goodness, you are so critical! If there ever was an American Idol for beautiful people, you can be a judge like Simon Cowell and make millions of dollars and I get a free ride!"

    BTW women who do this are bad news. High maintenance and oftentimes, have low self esteem themselves. Girls with low-esteem suck. They will only bring you down.

  6. #6
    kye
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    Default Re: She is confusing me... where do I stand?

    Can't really give you any advise regarding the girl (well, actually I can, but who cares about that). Here's the point :

    You seem to me like you're in the friend zone and even if you're not, it's just too risky to hit on a girl you're working with.

    why?

    because human resources, that's why. I'm not saying or implying in any way that you're a bad dude, the point is that sexual harassment laws are designed to kill a man's career if a woman decides that he made her *uncomfortable*. No woman is precious enough to risk your livelihood.

  7. #7
    whitedragon is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: She is confusing me... where do I stand?

    All or nothing. Try make a move outside of work on one of your 'casual' nights out with her. A few light drinks can do wonders to loosen barriers.

    Plenty of relationships start at work, sexual harassment is only an issue if truly do compromise her position.

    You have to weigh up what shes worth to you and if she is, start making moves. It's all trying to see how many green lights you can get through: touch her, if she doesnt mind, green light. Kiss her, she doesn't mind, green light. Ask her to stay the night, green light.

    Don't drag her down in conversation and be a puppy dog. Be the lion and take what you want. Also don't worry too much about all her life's details. Just concentrate on going after what you want. Life is too short.

  8. #8
    HardRock is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: She is confusing me... where do I stand?

    This girl is attracted to you.turn up her level of interest.

  9. #9
    SocialLab is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: She is confusing me... where do I stand?

    Why would you want to be with her after she criticizes everybody and might cheat on her bf?

    You are putting bad behaviour on way too high of a pedestal.

    Having said that, here's a suggestion:

    Surprise her by out of the blue asking "hey, we should totally go out." then don't say anything and see how she reacts. Assuming it's anything other than total noncompliance, you can later ask her "I want to take you to xxx. Does xxxday work?"

  10. #10
    pepito is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: She is confusing me... where do I stand?

    Thanks for all the replies. You really got me thinking there and I am a bit at a loss...

    To be honest, I still haven't decided what to do. I am 99% sure that I will end up her rebound guy/back up guy, and that she will eventually find some other bf as she gets approached a lot. She is definitely not gf material, but she could be a fark-buddy for a little while. Then again, I am rather skeptical as to whether I will enjoy being with her, knowing it's just an illusion (I have seen how she treated her future ex-bf, and I am certain she will pull the same shit with me).

    Sure, I can take her out and date her anytime. She's practically begging me to spend some time together (curiously enough, her lousy bf has barely taken her anywhere during the last year and prefers spending time with his brofriends). I have always preferred putting some distance. I have not called her a single time, yet she is the one approaching me all the time.

    My theory is that I am currently filling in an emotional "hole" in her and that is why she is clinging to me. She gets comfort from me and she surely likes it. I could take advantage of that or not. The disadvantage is that this will screw up our friendship. Then again, she will probably devote less time to me once she finds someone and I am definitely not interested in hearing her stories with the new bf.

    I know all this crap about enjoying one's life, but this whole thing seems wrong to me. I feel this is going to end badly, especially given that I get attached rather quickly (I also can already imagine her besties telling her to dump me).

    I really deserve someone better. Even it means staying single a while longer, I better move on and find someone nicer. I don't even love her. I just liked the fact that there's chemistry between us, but I am grateful that I could see her true face. Even though she is cute, I wouldn't recommend her to any of my single buddies. She's too much damaged and indecisive.


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