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  1. #1
    ShortStuff is offline PUA in Training
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    Thumbs down Bad Habits: Formality, nervousness, starting good convos without help

    I got coffee with a girl once after talking about some sign posted about religion on campus. She had a boyfriend, so the convo ended up being more about brainy stuff and personal beliefs than just a fun shoot-the-shits. In the middle of talking to me, she said, "I feel like I'm at a job interview."

    This is a huge problem for me. I like being really straightforward, I like serious and academic conversations and debates. I like learning about people's histories and what makes them tick. But none of that is applicable in any way to pickup or even just good beginning conversations. It just doesn't go that way.

    I know this. I don't do it all the time. But I still keep reverting to it when I'm nervous or running dry on things to say because it's easy and familiar.

    The same goes for being overly polite and platonically/formally conversational. Another poster here told me for simply not holding my frame on a joke that I'm a yes-man, that I agree too much with what women say, too polite and too straightforward, too boring.

    Maybe he's right, but is that something that can be cured? I'm not always like this - I'm a completely different person when I drink and I'm in good state, but otherwise trying to meet new girls and people is like pulling teeth for everyone involved. It's not right.

    My last sticking point is that I am terrible at coming up with things to say unless the other person initiates. I'm a rockstar at coming up with stuff that relates to what others say, but most of my conversation starters are usually some form of "x thing in the background reminds me of y thought," or even just "random thought," hoping that they'll find some way to relate. I don't really know what good open-ended questions are, either, because they come off too interview-ish or aren't actually questions that tell me something I'd really want to know about the other person.

    Has anyone else had these problems, and what did you do about them if so?

    (If it helps, I'm pretty much culturally illiterate. I don't listen to most music, I rarely watch any movies or TV, I don't have any interest in or knowledge of sports, and I spent several years of my life in online gaming. I'm just being brutally honest here so I learn what I need to do to compensate.)

  2. #2
    T-Mal's Avatar
    T-Mal is offline PUA All Star
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    Default Re: Bad Habits: Formality, nervousness, starting good convos without help

    Yeah, when I was reading the beginning description the phrase "Job Interview" popped into my head before I even read the part where SHE said it.

    The thing is, in the beginning of an interaction you don't need to have a "conversation". (And you shouldn't) You need to flirt & build attraction.

    Here are a couple things to give you ideas on how to get better at that:

    All about Flirting

    A blog post, specifically about flirting.

    And when it comes to the point of working on the rapport stage, try telling her little stories about when you were younger, instead of asking a bunch of the usual questions.

    Example: "When I was a kid, we used to travel to the ocean every couple years, and I would run to the shoreline to start hunting for sharks teeth. I had this big plan in my head of making a cool necklace out of all of them I was gonna find.... only problem was, I only found one or two.... and I got bored so I stopped looking & just goofed off in the water. That was fun too though!"

    Etc....

    Don't use THAT story (unless you actually did that too) but tell her about an experience like that from your own childhood. Be descriptive too, (the more descriptive, the better) so that she can visualize the picture in her head.

    That technique will make a lot stronger, personal connection than the boring fluff talk / job interview style questions will.





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  3. #3
    ShortStuff is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: Bad Habits: Formality, nervousness, starting good convos without help

    I can do fantastic storytelling/deep rapport and flirting. In fact, I can think of a bunch of examples where I had a girl in the palm of my hand, then later blew it.

    But it wasn't because I lack the skills, period. It's more, as soon as I realize I'm succeeding, I become nervous, the creative juices stop flowing, and the bad habits start kicking in. I go back into chode mode because I overthink and because I don't want to take risks anymore. The hotter the girl and/or the more invested I am, the truer it is.


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