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Thread: Spring Break Disaster...where did I go wrong?

  1. #1
    Slick73 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Spring Break Disaster...where did I go wrong?

    Hi...first off, I don't think I am a great PUA, but I have been trying hard to pick up my game.

    With that said, I have a story that I need advice on from men who understand women better than I do. Here goes...

    I just went down to Orlando, Florida to visit a former co-worker for what she called a "F--- Fest". I have talked dirty to this girl on and off for years, after initially hooking up with her in 2008. She is now 28 and I am 41.

    I ended up leaving early because it was so awkward for me and I was so upset. The two of us have talked dirty in the past (and sent pictures), and she's always begging me to come visit her. So that's what this trip was about.

    She sent me some sexy pics of her in mid-February, and I sent some back. There was tons of flirting. I bought her some expensive shoes and she was excited to get them when I came to visit. So far so good.

    Last week I kind of noticed she wasn't texting as much, although if I initiated it she played along. My birthday was Sunday (the day before I left for the trip) and she didn't call/text. hmmm..

    Monday comes, she picks me up at the airport, things seem friendly. No kissing, but I feel fine about things. We get to her place, and she mentions she has been talking to a former co-worker from Tennesssee (I don't know this person) and that they will both end up back home in Chicago (where I live too) in two years, implying that it could work with this guy.

    I just try to remain cool and say "stranger things have happened" and then blow it off.

    But it bothers the hell out of me.

    We go for a walk, and she is semi-flirty, but I am "off" my game...I just don't feel comfortable. I mean I wasn't horrendous but I was a little upset about her comment. I kept thinking...is this a TEST or is she serious???

    We get back to her place, and she wants to show me the videos she made for work (she is a news reporter). The computer is (gulp) in her bedroom, and we have good conversation, BUT I DO NOT MAKE A MOVE. Perhaps I should have right there--but I didn't. Don't ask me why--I have no idea why I didn't.

    Perhaps it was because prior to that she brought out a blanket and told me I would be sleeping on the couch. So again, I had another thing on my mind. These were not good signals, at least that's what I thought.

    She comes out to say goodnight with her cat, goes into her room, says goodnight again, and that's it.

    The next day I spent about 14 hours at Disney World, so before she got up and when she got back from work, I was gone. I came in from Disney on Tuesday and she was already in bed because it was late.

    Wednesday comes, and I basically leave her place once she goes to work. I can tell she is upset that I stayed at Disney for so long (I did because I was realizing what a fool I was).

    So I text her I am leaving, she asks if it was because of something she did that offended me, and I say no.

    Next day (yesterday) I am more honest with her and I tell her I felt awkward and like a jerk.

    She tells me SHE WAS ONLY KIDDING about fooling around, and that she never told me to buy the shoes. She admits to having a new boyfriend, and that even if she didn't it wouldn't be right to mess around because I live far away, we don't know each other intimately, etc. Despite our one night stand back in 2008 and all her comments through the years about wishing we had done it more than just once.

    This is the same woman who says we would have beautiful kids together and that if she is single in 2 years that I am walking her down the aisle (wow, I love being a consolation prize)

    I asked her recently if I was in the Friend Zone and she said "lol, no"
    Now I ask you guys----->am I just the world's biggest sucker/loser with women? Because that's what I feel like.

    Thanks for any advice you may have.

  2. #2
    DirectIsBest's Avatar
    DirectIsBest is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Spring Break Disaster...where did I go wrong?

    Woah dude. That sounds shitty. Here's a few things you did wrong that I can CLEARLY see.

    The biggest mistake you made was: You bought her expensive shoes! She's not your girlfriend. Don't ever buy a girl that's not your girlfriend anything expensive. Something that's meaningful to the two of you, perhaps that's reminiscent of an inside joke you two share, or her favorite candy bar is totally cool. She would appreciate that and the key is it's not going to cost you more than 5 bucks.

    When she got the shoes she was probably like "Woah, this is nice but....". You clearly gave her a gift that had strings attached and she probably felt obligated to hook up with you because of it. This will ruin your chances faster than almost anything else. If you give a gift to a woman make sure there are no strings attached. I wouldn't be surprised if she started going cold AFTER she found out you bought the shoes for her.

    Another thing was your attitude. You got all butt-hurt about some guy that doesn't even live in her area. That affected your mood and she could sense it. You still could have been fine at this point if you would have been yourself and flirted with her. You should have made a move early on and you didn't because of your mood.

    Then you basically ditched her to stay at Disney world all day. Go to Disney world and have fun, but you went to Florida to see her and spend time together right? Then do that!

    Don't listen to the crap she says. It's all excuses. This girl was clearly into you and wanted to hook up with you. Women won't send you sexy pictures, flirt like crazy, and talk dirty to you if they don't want to hook up with you. She just said those things because you got all weird on her. I'm willing to bet she doesn't have a boyfriend. Even if she just started "seeing" a guy, if she was really into you, she would hook up with you for the week knowing you would be thousands of miles away soon. Everything she told you was B.S. This girl liked you.

    Take it as a learning experience and grow from it. Honestly, it's a good story, and you can laugh about it a year from now! You actually did allot of things right previous to this, so don't take it too harshly! If you were the biggest loser with women you would have NEVER even gotten to this point!

  3. #3
    Ra1d is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Spring Break Disaster...where did I go wrong?

    Quote Originally Posted by DirectIsBest View Post
    Woah dude. That sounds shitty. Here's a few things you did wrong that I can CLEARLY see.

    The biggest mistake you made was: You bought her expensive shoes! She's not your girlfriend. Don't ever buy a girl that's not your girlfriend anything expensive. Something that's meaningful to the two of you, perhaps that's reminiscent of an inside joke you two share, or her favorite candy bar is totally cool. She would appreciate that and the key is it's not going to cost you more than 5 bucks.

    When she got the shoes she was probably like "Woah, this is nice but....". You clearly gave her a gift that had strings attached and she probably felt obligated to hook up with you because of it. This will ruin your chances faster than almost anything else. If you give a gift to a woman make sure there are no strings attached. I wouldn't be surprised if she started going cold AFTER she found out you bought the shoes for her.

    Another thing was your attitude. You got all butt-hurt about some guy that doesn't even live in her area. That affected your mood and she could sense it. You still could have been fine at this point if you would have been yourself and flirted with her. You should have made a move early on and you didn't because of your mood.

    Then you basically ditched her to stay at Disney world all day. Go to Disney world and have fun, but you went to Florida to see her and spend time together right? Then do that!

    Don't listen to the crap she says. It's all excuses. This girl was clearly into you and wanted to hook up with you. Women won't send you sexy pictures, flirt like crazy, and talk dirty to you if they don't want to hook up with you. She just said those things because you got all weird on her. I'm willing to bet she doesn't have a boyfriend. Even if she just started "seeing" a guy, if she was really into you, she would hook up with you for the week knowing you would be thousands of miles away soon. Everything she told you was B.S. This girl liked you.

    Take it as a learning experience and grow from it. Honestly, it's a good story, and you can laugh about it a year from now! You actually did allot of things right previous to this, so don't take it too harshly! If you were the biggest loser with women you would have NEVER even gotten to this point!
    I agree with everything you said,except for the shoes,they were not in a relationship and he was going to use her place to stay a couple of days,while he could have probably bought something cheaper,I don't think coming over empty handed would have worked any better.

    I'm sure that he didn't have to buy the shoes,but in this case,I don't think the they did anything bad.

    I also think that the main problem was that you cared about what she said,she knew what you were coming for,man,a girl doesn't just invite a guy over and expects him to sleep on a couch like you did.Why would she even bother to invite you,tease you and flirt with you like crazy if she didn't expect sex ?The reason she probably didn't call/text or whatever was because she simply felt nervous.

    That's my take on the situation.

  4. #4
    SCooper2031 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Spring Break Disaster...where did I go wrong?

    Quote Originally Posted by Ra1d View Post
    I agree with everything you said,except for the shoes,they were not in a relationship and he was going to use her place to stay a couple of days,while he could have probably bought something cheaper,I don't think coming over empty handed would have worked any better.
    I disagree with you, and agree with the other guy. Gifts to a girl I wasn't in a relationship with have farcked me! He woulda been fine going empty handed cuz what she wanted wasn't in his hands, it was in his pants.

    To the OP: that being said, this was a bit cringy of a story for me to read, but I've been in some cringy situations myself so don't feel bad. But listen to the other guys advice and you'll be good!

    And do me a favor, for your own sake, don't EVER ask a girl if you're in the friend zone. I can't even describe how bad that must have looked

  5. #5
    Ra1d is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Spring Break Disaster...where did I go wrong?

    Quote Originally Posted by SCooper2031 View Post
    Gifts to a girl I wasn't in a relationship with have farcked me! He woulda been fine going empty handed cuz what she wanted wasn't in his hands, it was in his pants.
    I agree with that,my point is,he wasn't buying her shoes for the fact that she's a girl,but because she was going to invest too,like provide him a place to sleep,probably eat her food(maybe not).

    Maybe it's just me,but even when I moved to a different city,I had to stay at my Uncle's place,I took presents almost for all of my cousins(3) and my Aunt too.Not too expensive,just a show of appreciation.

    If they were meeting in a hotel,or his place,that would be an entirely different story,also note that I said that while the present may have not been necessary,the present wasn't the problem.

  6. #6
    Slick73 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Spring Break Disaster...where did I go wrong?

    Thanks guys. This is helpful.

    Don't think I am pathetic (anymore than you already do haha) but I wonder if there is any way to save this relationship?

    I have talked marriage with this woman (very casually) in the past. I have met her mother when she took me to meet her last September and this woman knows my son. She has talked about what our kids would look like...

    Maybe it's nothing. Or something. I don't know.

    Can anyone answer WHY she would mention this other guy that early in the visit? Is that what is known as a "shit test"?

    Thanks

  7. #7
    Slick73 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Spring Break Disaster...where did I go wrong?

    This was the email I got from her tonight. Your analysis please...

    I'm still appalled with your immature, disgusting, hateful reaction.
    The fact that you assumed that buying someone shoes equates to sex is
    extremely foolish and naive. We have never had any SERIOUS
    conversations about that or ever talked about starting a relationship.
    You talked about your previous relationships as did I. You just happen
    to come during a time when I started talking with my ex-boyfriend
    again. You made a lot of assumptions and clearly there was a lack of
    communication.

    Having said all of that, I still thought of you as a friend and
    welcomed you into my home. I wanted you to have a good time. However,
    you clearly had other intentions. MY intentions were always to pick up
    you from the airport, welcome you into my home, cook for you, and show
    you around town. Instead, this is how you treat a friend let alone
    your host???

    Your petty name calling blew my mind away and made me open my eyes to
    see your true colors as person. I refuse to associate myself with
    someone who spits hateful lies or is a ticking time bomb. You sound
    like an ungrateful, grumpy old man. There's a reason why you're
    divorced and still single...

    You said you have "a lot of respect" for me, well if you did those
    hateful words would've NEVER come of your mouth. I don't care how
    angry you were at me. I can't imagine how you treat others that you
    have "some respect."

    I thought you were a good friend and I loved helping you with your
    journalism kids but not after what you said to me. You OBVIOUSLY do
    not know me because if you did you would have never said that crap in
    the first place. Not only were those statements utterly false but very
    hurtful. You can thank your uncontrollable anger and assumptions for
    destroying our friendship.

    -J.

  8. #8
    Ra1d is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Spring Break Disaster...where did I go wrong?

    Quote Originally Posted by Slick73 View Post
    This was the email I got from her tonight. Your analysis please...

    I'm still appalled with your immature, disgusting, hateful reaction.
    The fact that you assumed that buying someone shoes equates to sex is
    extremely foolish and naive. We have never had any SERIOUS
    conversations about that or ever talked about starting a relationship.
    You talked about your previous relationships as did I. You just happen
    to come during a time when I started talking with my ex-boyfriend
    again. You made a lot of assumptions and clearly there was a lack of
    communication.

    Having said all of that, I still thought of you as a friend and
    welcomed you into my home. I wanted you to have a good time. However,
    you clearly had other intentions. MY intentions were always to pick up
    you from the airport, welcome you into my home, cook for you, and show
    you around town. Instead, this is how you treat a friend let alone
    your host???

    Your petty name calling blew my mind away and made me open my eyes to
    see your true colors as person. I refuse to associate myself with
    someone who spits hateful lies or is a ticking time bomb. You sound
    like an ungrateful, grumpy old man. There's a reason why you're
    divorced and still single...

    You said you have "a lot of respect" for me, well if you did those
    hateful words would've NEVER come of your mouth. I don't care how
    angry you were at me. I can't imagine how you treat others that you
    have "some respect."

    I thought you were a good friend and I loved helping you with your
    journalism kids but not after what you said to me. You OBVIOUSLY do
    not know me because if you did you would have never said that crap in
    the first place. Not only were those statements utterly false but very
    hurtful. You can thank your uncontrollable anger and assumptions for
    destroying our friendship.

    -J.
    This is a perfect opportunity to mention what I said earlier :

    "The shoes were just to show appreciation for your kindness,as you mentioned,I was staying at your place and knew I would be taking advantage of your cooking skills,so I couldn't come empty handed.

    You're right I made a lot of wild assumptions,for which I'm sorry.

    Peace"

    I would keep it short.Obviously you can add the stuff you want to add,but I wouldn't suggest going back to the things you said and trying to justify them,a simple sorry will suffice.

    Admit that what you said was wild,because it was based purely on your assumptions.

    Like I mentioned keep it short,as if you completely changed your mind-set,that you're no longer emotionally invested in her or her(maybe imaginary) ex-boyfriend.
    Do not ask her to forgive you or if you're cool with each other.

    Wait for her to calm down and respond back,if she responds back justifying your actions,then you're in.

    Justifying your actions means that she might send back something like "Well it was probably foolish of me to mention the ex",anything that implies that she's on your side,or if she changes the subject to something else.

    If she responds with more negative stuff,just don't feed the "attention whore" and don't reply.

    This is my take on this.


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