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  1. #1
    afcsupreme is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Wanting to not have the last word and leaving a relationship winning.

    I may have a couple problems with my approach on relationships.

    Recently I separated from a girl in college; she was graduating (she's a year older than I am), and she thought it wouldn't work out as she was going back to her home country for a couple years, and she decided to stop things and just wanted to be normal (I wanted to keep them going). I told her I didn't want to be friends, because I didn't see her that way, and was ready to cut contact. She then showed a lot of interest in me, and we made out, and started spending a lot of time together, intimately.

    My realization here was that, unknowingly, I was in a frame in which I was willing to walk away. She picked up on that, and came back to me - I was quite happy.

    During the week before she left, we spent a lot of time together; I showed her quite a bit of affection, and really conveyed my interest in her (probably a bad idea, I know...). Though we made out, and she reciprocated all the physical contact I gave her (and was quite forward herself), I could tell that perhaps I was more interested in her than vis-versa. Towards the end, she definitely had 'the upper hand' in the relationship (as she knew I was quite interested in her), controlled the frame of the interaction, and teased me on various things as well (I gave her a hickey that faded away too quickly - "Oh, missed opportunity afcsupreme!", she said)

    During our last week, she said "we shouldn't meet again, I don't want to see you," (she mentioned it would make it harder to move on), multiple times, but I was persistent (don't know if this was good or bad, though at the time I thought I handled it well), and each time we eventually met and spent a lot of time being intimate together. She definitely also conveyed her interest in me, but the sticking point here was that I was the last one to show a great deal of affection (the day she was leaving I hugged her quite a few times, and idled around to extend the time we had together... -_- yea, I know..). By the end of the interaction, I had lost the frame that I was willing to walk away, and she picked up on that.

    It's also worth noting that during the times in which I would leave first, or be a little cold, she would be the one to re-initiate. She's definitely the kind of girl who responds to reasonable denial of attention, and loses some interest if I seemed too available or tried too hard.

    Finally, just recently, we were chatting via email (also probably was a bad idea >__>), with each response spaced apart (time-wise, roughly a day or two between each response). I ended up being the last one to respond when the conversation stopped (you could say that she was the one who chose to end the conversation, instead of looking to reply; the convo was at a decent stopping point, but she could've chosen to continue if she wanted). This was doubly frustrating because I was the one who originally proposed that we try to minimize contact with each other, at least for a little while (so that we could both try and move on).

    So in essence, these are the issues that are kind of impeding my progress in moving on, and in general probably just bad habits:

    1. In this situation, we separated with her 'winning' the relationship, so to say; this is probably not a great mindset to have (it isn't really a it?), but it's what I felt. I was more invested in our interaction than she was, and she knows it - she can carry it around with her that "there's a guy who wanted me but couldn't have me", and it serves as a boost to her pride - reaffirming her power. I didn't really have a problem with this per-se...but for some reason, now I feel a little upset/awkward. This 'winning/losing' mindset in a relationship might be toxic, but for some reason it's what I'm going through...any help in this regard? Any tips to get over/avoid this line of thinking? I don't know if there's any way I can reverse our final interaction at this point? Additionally, even during the relationship, I really dreaded being in the situation where she would have more power, so it's not just when leaving a relationship that this is an issue. I know that I won't leave her if I have 'the advantage' in a relationship, but she could leave me if she's the one who has 'power'; and the power dynamic fluctuated reasonably often when we were together. What's wrong with my mindset and the way I'm conducting myself?

    2. In the messaging game, I always (and it isn't just this time), feel a little frustrated when I'm not the one to end the convo >__>. Probably because it's been drilled into me when learning PUA that the guy should be the first one to cut things, whether on the phone, texting, skype, etc. I really have the urge to talk to her again (maybe I'm just seeking her validation? I dunno..) and end the conversation, so we leave on "my" terms...again this is probably really unhealthy. Is this a good or bad state of mind to have? Any tips on getting out of it/overcoming it? Or to avoid similar situations in the future?

    Am I still interested in being with this girl? At the moment, yes definitely, but I feel given some time I can definitely make some progress towards moving on (not going to fall into one-itis any more than I already am). Additional info worth noting, she is planning to visit the university later this summer, so it's possible she may contact me at that time, dunno.

    In general, any advice on how I should proceed as well? Should I just suck it up and try to keep up no contact?

  2. #2
    artandale's Avatar
    artandale is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Wanting to 'not have the last word' and leaving a relationship 'winning

    man that seems exhausting... personally i think you should see if shes worth the trouble. i don't think you should act on anything until you know what you want. if you want her, i'd suggest giving her some space. maybe keep contact at minimum at your own convenience. attracting her means to push and pull, and i think you've been doing a lot of pushing and need to do more pulling away. push once or twice a week to remind her you exist but don't go overboard. keep your message about how you feel. don't make it too mushy. keep it simple. just my 2 cents.
    Every moment counts, get out of your head and enjoy it.

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