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Thread: Help! Asking this girl to be my girlfriend?

  1. #1
    johnnybob62 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Help! Asking this girl to be my girlfriend?

    Long story short I just hit with the "what are we?" question.

    I am "together" with this girl but she told me if I hookup with another girl the it isn't technically called cheating. So she asked me what I want and then told me shes over the whole love thing, even though it sounds like a cliche and she said that she thinks love is fake, etc. etc. She has been cheated on in the past so that is why I think she is being so guardy of herself. How do I get past this, how do I reassure her I wont hurt/cheat on her? How do i get us to be boyfriend/girlfriend?

    Thanks

  2. #2
    T-Mal's Avatar
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    Default Re: Help! Asking this girl to be my girlfriend?

    That's tough.

    Girls who are "emotionally damaged" or "jaded about love", are often the ones who pull away & get all "wishy-washy" about how they feel or what they want.

    They usually remain in contact with their exes & can't let go of them for whatever reason.

    They constantly talk about breaking up, or wanting space, or afraid of getting too close. THEN, they turn around & become totally connected for a few days / couple weeks... and the cycle repeats endlessly.

    I've found it's better to stay away from that type, or at least don't get yourself emotionally attached to them.


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  3. #3
    johnnybob62 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Help! Asking this girl to be my girlfriend?

    Quote Originally Posted by T-Mal View Post
    That's tough.

    Girls who are "emotionally damaged" or "jaded about love", are often the ones who pull away & get all "wishy-washy" about how they feel or what they want.

    They usually remain in contact with their exes & can't let go of them for whatever reason.

    They constantly talk about breaking up, or wanting space, or afraid of getting too close. THEN, they turn around & become totally connected for a few days / couple weeks... and the cycle repeats endlessly.

    I've found it's better to stay away from that type, or at least don't get yourself emotionally attached to them.
    Thanks T-Mal for the reply.

    But its too late, I am attached to this girl. The thing is I dont want to push her away from me because I want her to be my girlfriend.

    One day she tells me she really likes me and hasnt felt this way about someone in a long time then the next day se says she doesnt want to hurt me...

    Im just confused, I want to be with this girl and think she feels the same way about me but shes just scared of commitment because of her past.

    How do I get around this?

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    Default Re: Help! Asking this girl to be my girlfriend?

    That's exactly how my ex fiancee was.
    Hot & Cold from one day to the next... Frequently expressing negative emotions & uncertainties.

    I was doing most of the chasing... which meant SHE had control over the relationship. The more she pulled away, the more I chased.
    But I didn't realize I was even doing it at the time.

    Now that I can look back, I totally see everything more clearly.
    There were LOTS of red flags that I simply ignored. I absolutely saw them, but I chose to overlook them. (Not a good thing to do).

    Does this girl still talk to exes (because they're still "friends".)
    My ex fiancee did that... and it was nothing but headaches.

    When a girl can't let go of her past, and the people associated with it, it's impossible to move forward & make progress.


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  5. #5
    johnnybob62 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Help! Asking this girl to be my girlfriend?

    I have been chasing her. She doesnt talk to any of her ex's until the other day when we were facetiming her ex texted her asking to be friends and just talk as normal people. So i told her i didnt like that and left the facetime. She texted me saying this

    "I haven't felt this way for a guy in a long time. Please don't let this hurt us because honestly I don't think I could handle losing someone I care about again. You are really good to me and I want you to trust me. I would be upset if I was in your place. I'm sorry"

    I dont know if she still text him or not but i think him doing that messed with her head.

    Would it be wrong with me to tell her to let go of her past by blocking him? She did to her other ex.

  6. #6
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    Default Re: Help! Asking this girl to be my girlfriend?

    The only way to shake her up / get her attention and find out if she's REALLY serious or not, is to be willing to walk away.

    You can't "tell her" to block him. That will only make her resent you & be drawn to the other guy. You have to make her think blocking him is HER idea.

    He probably still has a bit of control over her. If his texting affects her at all, or she feels like she has to reply to him, then that's the case.

    I managed to drag things out a bit longer with MY ex, by telling her I wasn't going to accept it. I said I would walk if she couldn't let go of the past.

    She quit talking to her exes for a few weeks, but then it was the same old crap, so I eventually left.

    She had a way of pushing me away & pulling me back in again... over & over. But I told her at one point that there would come a day when she pushed me too far & I would stay away, if she didn't quit.

    (Which is what happened)

    It's an unhealthy relationship cycle to be in.

    Yeah, it sucked & hurt at first when things were completely over... but I knew that I could easily find someone else, and I did.

    Now I'm with someone who doesn't have those emotional issues & has a grip on life... AND.. who happens to make an effort to be with me all the time.


    Going through the breakup with my ex sucked, but it was totally worth it.

    Also- right after my ex & I split, (this past New Year's day) she was dating another guy within a week... and they just got married 2 weeks ago.

    I wish the new guy lots of luck. He's gonna need it.
    LOL.



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  7. #7
    johnnybob62 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Help! Asking this girl to be my girlfriend?

    Here is some more advice I was given:

    "All you can do right now, is understand where she's coming from. I know it's hard, but you need to give her her space just for a little while. Just keep acting the way you've always been, and prove to her that you're not like the other guys she's dated. And eventually she'll come around and open up to you. Don't force it out of her, it'll just make things worse. "

    I feel like ive dont that already though, its been 2 months. Shes great, i dont want to walk away from her...its hard.

    So how do i tell her that II am willing to walk away?

  8. #8
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    Default Re: Help! Asking this girl to be my girlfriend?

    you might want to clarify that a bit more... because what i took away was...

    so she just wants to be friends with her ex? or does she just want to be friends with you? if it's a yes to either of those questions, it sounds like she's ignoring your feelings and looking to just put you in a painful position and sweep it under the rug with a bow. i hate to be brutally honest but in my opinion that's pretty rude and unloyal. i don't think you should think this way--but at a glance looking at how i evaluate things--thats my first initial thought--not reaction.

    i'm happy for you that you stood your ground after chasing her and even facetiming her. for her to pick up her text and tell you about it to me sounds like she's trying to be honest but isn't generating the right scenarios to really earn your trust by continuing to let her ex impede into the patching of whats left of your relationship with her.

    i think you should be more forward with her if you're still looking to patch things with her. if you don't want her to be responding to his text--tell her. if she wants the best of both worlds to me that means she's not really acknowledging how much pain shes putting you through. she's only looking for her own comfort in this situation looking to get the best of both worlds where the men in her life are there to please her. its a hard call but personally i'd suggest you evaluate how much you can tolerate with this kind of respect or lack there of because of how much more shes continuingly putting you through.

    i think its also important to acknowledge to her about what she said "You are really good to me and i want you to trust me. i would be upset if i was in your place. i'm sorry". i think this part of her text is her vulnerability--and that's something you don't want to ignore. with that said i think it's important to explain your position a bit after acknowledging it. this sounds confusing, i know but let me explain... explain why you were good to her, why you had trust. be thorough with your response--don't sugar coat it, even point out examples of why to help explain your position. reiterate that the past can't be undone but whats happening now in the present in the way she's kept in contact with her ex is not acceptable to you, your feelings and where you want to be in your life. after you've listed all of these thoughts and experiences--i believe you should end your response with a question that forces her to give you an answer, example "...I don't want to tell you what to do. You are your own person. But I need to know... Are you going to put me in this position again where I have to question our relationship?"

    now to explain why i'm suggesting you to do the above is because you're setting up a qualification scenario. you've now not only set a bar for where you were and where you are now with your experience and feelings but now she's got something to measure things by. people need forms of measurement to know how to work their way back up to the top of the ladder--IF you want them to succeed. if you look at the specifics of what i've listed in the thumb of example of experiences of trust, respect and what is acceptable in preloading this idea of qualification that she's now having to work her way out of. typically qualification is used in early traditional forms of attraction but i think you can still use this to your advantage to see if shes really worth getting back together with. now the question at the end i think is important to bring up too--because it also shows one example of what you're looking for in regards to your sanity. you're probably in a position in which you can never know if she can be trusted with a guy she's flirting with, a really good guy friend who gives off light kino, and an ex shes talking to. also the way that this qualification should work is that you're not telling her what to do. you're not telling her to not talk to people. you want her to answer honestly and see if shes going to work up the ladder. its not about control--so try not to tell her what you want her to do. tell her what you want is to never have to question the relationship--if you have to--then you have to walk away.

    i think you can still use all of the basic principles of the PUA world to help you through this because now--shes chasing you. the bigger difference now is that you're both hurting and shes got to jump through hoops to earn your trust. with that said i honestly believe the preloading & qualification will help the two of you have a basis of where to go from here--and she's expected to be trustworthy, and respectful and act in an acceptable behavior. anything she does from now on where you have to question the relationship i believe you have every reason to walk away without needing to explain yourself because of the damage that has been done and how recent it is.

    best of luck
    Every moment counts, get out of your head and enjoy it.

  9. #9
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    Default Re: Help! Asking this girl to be my girlfriend?

    I was definitely UNLIKE any other guy my ex had ever been with.. but that alone wasn't enough because she had emotional issues.

    You have to be honest & up front & tell her that you're not going to be jerked around emotionally like that. She needs to decide what's important to her & make a decision.

    Tell her you don't want to walk away, but you will if she doesn't change the way she's been acting.

    Honestly, she's not being fair to you at this point. She's taking you for granted that you'll always be there, even when she acts like this.

    MY ex couldn't (or wouldn't) change... so I made my decision.
    But it depends on the person. Everyone is different.
    And sometimes, when a person is faced with a situation where they're gonna lose someone or something, they step up & make the effort to make things work.

    There's no way of knowing ahead of time though.


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  10. #10
    johnnybob62 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Help! Asking this girl to be my girlfriend?

    artandale and tmal, you 2 could not have been more helpful. i really appreciate it.

    now sonce she is about 3 hours away should i facetime her and talk about this stuff? i dont think were gonna see eachother for 2 weeks since were both busy working.

    i know i cant last that long because im at work right now and i feel so distracted, this is all i think about.


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