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  • 1 Post By Ivo
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Thread: How do I deal with anxiety when talking to a HB?

  1. #1
    pepito is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default How do I deal with anxiety when talking to a HB?

    I attempted a cold approach this Saturday (see this other thread http://www.puaforums.com/how-approac...-too-late.html) and it made realize something: I am sometimes anxious when I deal with some girls. I don't say it happens often, but I do feel some level of discomfort when I really like the girl or when I start talking to a total stranger girl.

    Take for example my last encounter. It was a girl I saw on dating site. I really liked her and wanted to message her but for some reason my account kept being deleted and I gave up in the end. That was some months ago. So, I had this big surprise yesterday as I saw her standing next to me at a concert and couldn't believe my eyes. I talked to her and number closed.

    Well, during those 2-3 mins we talked, my heart was racing like crazy, I could feel my body was trembling a bit (I don't think it was visible as it was dark anyways) and my voice was slightly shaky. I did decide to give it a go as I hate living with regrets. I am at least proud I had the guts to do it.

    What I would like however is to get rid of these sensations. I really don't understand myself anymore. Why does my body react like that? Why do I even feel stressed or inferior to any of these girls? I mean, I have plenty of selling-points, I have a good job, have lived in several countries and I am a fun guy to be around. My anxiety simply does not make any sense...

    I am kinda new to PUA and I haven't done many cold approaches so far, but they have been an ok experience, especially when I didn't really care about the girl and was just practicing. So, this nuisance I report does not show up everytime, but it hurts my game when it does.

    I also don't display any such anxiety when I am at parties or meetups.
    I don't know, I find it easier and more natural to approach people in these settings as everyone is there to make new friends. Although, there was this one time at a party, a chick was hitting on me and asked me at some point why I was scared of her. I was kinda surprised by the question as I didn't particularly feel intimidated, but I was maybe taken aback because she made the first move (she was American). This made wonder whether I am externalizing signs of anxiety (my wingmen say that I don't, but it could happen when they are not looking)...

    Just for the record, as a teenager, I was quite shy and antisocial. I have gone a long way to become the person I am today, but I still have some work to do. I really want to be this confident guy that feels 100% comfortable with anybody, and especially girls.

    Any advice is welcome, guys. Did you have similar experiences?
    Thanks!

  2. #2
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    Ivo
    Ivo is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: How do I deal with anxiety when talking to a HB?

    It is absolutely normal to feel anxiety when you talk to HB. They are the top of the iceberg and almost every man will like to sleep with them. Big competition with big players. That's why the self value compared among the other man make this anxiety so huge. How can you handle it?
    You cannot remove it you just have to use with it and understand it. Just put your self on "the flow" and it is going to be ok. This way you don't put her on pedestal and talk with her like a normal girl. I remember once I approached two girls alone in one restaurant place. I sit on their table and my body began to shake because everybody was looking around and I felt big anxiety. The two girls were very pretty and I was the only one who dared to talk with them. At one point they made toast and I refused because my hands were shaking a lot and the delicate glass of white wine seemed to me as a very big challenge. It is fun while I'm remembering this now.... There is still anxiety and a little shaking now in me but it has changed. I had developed a little trick. THere is always something in one women which makes her not so perfect as you think she is. You just have to find it. When you see her imperfections they makes her more normal for you. And another thing. Getting HB's around you and meeting them at one point you use with them, and anxiety is still there but doesn't make so big react in your body. Feel your self to try and compare the difference

  3. #3
    afcsupreme is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: How do I deal with anxiety when talking to a HB?

    Release yourself; release yourself from your dependency on the outcome of the interaction.

    My guess is, you're thinking about unnecessary things like "Does this girl think I'm cool? I am being too aggressive? Am I being too passive? Will she give me her number when we're done talking?" Stuff like that.

    You wonder whether she is attracted to you or interested in you at any given moment, and whether you are entertaining her sufficiently. You mentioned that around girls you really like, you can also get anxious.

    You are too invested in the outcome of any given interaction. Let go - enjoy the interaction for itself ("Meeting a new person, should be fun." "Talking to a cute girl, let's see what kind of person she is..."). Be self-amused, and present in the moment. Enjoy talking to beautiful women.

    Your mindset should be if the girl isn't in to you, "Ok, cool, no biggie." If the girl IS digging you, it should STILL be "Ok, cool, no biggie. (what's known as the abundance mentality)" That doesn't mean you can't enjoy your successes - definitely stop and smell the roses every once in a while, but don't let the outcome (whether positive or negative) be the deciding factor in your internal state of happiness. You must be content with yourself and who you are.

    Free yourself from outcome dependence and appreciate the interaction and your part in it. Hope that helps.

  4. #4
    Carter21 is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: How do I deal with anxiety when talking to a HB?

    The fastest way is and always will be: practice. The more you do something, the more relaxed you become when doing it. Most people are extremely nervous on their first day at a new job, but after a couple weeks, the feeling subsides. People also tend to be anxious on their first day of high school, or their first time on a roller coaster, or their first time skydiving. But after a few attempts, that feeling goes away entirely and we instead feel excitement, or at the very least, neutrality.

    Singling out the skydiving example, this is something that people get EXTREMELY worked up over the first few times. But with enough practice, people almost universally start to be comfortable with it. So if we're capable of being relaxed even when throwing yourself out of a plane, we're certainly capable of using practice to reduce anxiety from talking to people.

    So the solution is to just do it more. Frequently talk to cute girls that you're not interested in, so that when you find one that you *are* into, you'll have experience.

  5. #5
    pepito is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: How do I deal with anxiety when talking to a HB?

    Thanks a lot, guys!
    Yeah, I definitely need to change my state of mind and all the rest will fall in.

    It's just that I have been a beta and single for so long. Every opportunity that presents itself raises up my hopes and then those hopes get ultimately smashed to pieces.

    I will have to drop this mentality and see girls as persons and not as potential girlfriends (easier said and done). There's definitely some inner work to do, but I will manage with some practice.

  6. #6
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    Default Re: How do I deal with anxiety when talking to a HB?

    i try to use my feelings as a sign of my instincts rather than how i should react upon getting feelings. i realized about a month ago that feelings don't really do anything--they just flood our bodies while it's up to our mind to configure and calibrate how we should be interpreting those signs to engague. women are already really good at this--and most that i've met are really good at hiding their feelings because they get hit on so much.

    for us as men we're used to just looking at things very logical and that's why emotions are hard for us to grasp which is why the Approach is so hard. We're conditioned to thinking about the other person's feelings before our own rather than thinking what these feelings mean to us. feelings of any kind should be how we need to gauge the state of where we are and those feelings simply mean how important the situation is to us because it's either completely new to us, or it's something we've experienced thousands of times before. when you start to get super emotional in these scenarios with the approach anxiety my suggestion is to counter with a logical understanding--repeating exactly what people are seeing rather than what you think people are seeing. everyone perceives a situation different than the next person. you can make something that seems like your vulnerability to be your strength if you use it properly.
    Every moment counts, get out of your head and enjoy it.


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