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  1. #1
    afcsupreme is offline PUA in Training
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    Default (Long post) Getting over separation - in need of advice...

    For those of you don't who know me on this forum, I've posted about a particular girl for a while - things have finally ended. I'm now struggling to come to terms with things.

    Basic Context: I dated this girl (I'll call her K) back in May (we're both in uni); before she graduated I asked for an LDR, and she said she didn't want to (she's an international student), and we separated relatively amiably. We both still had attraction for each other though, was the tough part (Looking back on it now, it was extremely smart of her to deny an LDR - I actually admire her for that, as it wouldn't have been healthy for either of us). Over the course of the summer, we messaged each other a bit back and forth (probably a bad idea). One day, I randomly saw her on the bus, we talked for a bit, and she initiated contact with me again. After a week interim where we didn't contact each other, I emailed her again (log follows):

    Me (Friday around 3)
    Yo I was wondering earlier today, what's up with your OPT thing - isn't it for doing an internship and stuff? How's the system work exactly for international students - are you not allowed to leave 'til a certain time?

    Her (Same day around 3:30):
    opt lets you maintain your student status and cut down on your unemployment days. if you have a STEM degree you can extend it for more 12 + 17 months. you don't have to be in the US for opt if the institution that you are working for is recognized by the USCIS. it is not a good idea to travel outside the US without your opt.

    Her (20 minutes later):
    i am on campus today. i am leaving at 6. thought i should at least let you know.

    Me (Next day, 10am)
    Ah I see - so your job coming up is in fact your OPT? You're waiting to get authorization before you leave, makes sense.

    If you wanted to hang out before you leave (mid-july right?), I'm pretty much always in the student center for the wc games- Feel free to drop by if you're around again. [a friend] left for Oxford yesterday, I lost my wc buddy


    Her (Midnight of that next day):
    (afcsupreme), lets not communicate. I emailed you like at 4 pm yesterday and you did not even bother to reply. Whatever we had between us, may seem like nothing to you but it meant something to me. And I don't want to hang on to that feeling or thought or whatever, I don't know. So, I am being serious when I say this, I don't want to talk to you. Don't write to me. I will delete your emails without reading.

    Me (next morning)
    I didn't see your reply until much later - sorry we missed each other on campus K. If you want to talk about something, call me. If not, take care, good luck with your work.

    The issues I'm struggling with:

    • I'm trying to figure out what I did wrong...I hope it's not just a simple matter of me replying too late (I honestly did not see her email until 1am the following morning - I was tired and responded after I woke up, as it was already too late to meet that day). Maybe she thinks that I didn't want to meet? Maybe I didn't reciprocate the same kind of directness which she showed to me? Possibly a problem with my reply (above)? I don't want to get back together with this girl (I know that would be unhealthy), but I want to know what I can improve on in the future so I don't make the same mistake. What do you think of what I said in the above conversation? (be brutally honest! don't beat around the bush. I want to improve all aspects of my person, even the messaging game/e-communucation, which is kind of controversial among the pua community) Should I not have responded when she said firmly to not write back? I felt I had to...


    • I have so many worries now. I'm worried that I somehow hurt her emotionally, that she won't be able to deal with and think of men as happily and properly from now on. I'm worried that she thinks bad of Americans in general, her being an international student (seems illogical, but it's something I'm actually concerned about for whatever reason). I'm worried that she thinks that I don't care about her, when in fact I absolutely do. Unfortunately, I don't really have any way to convey this to her anymore - I haven't gotten a reply to the email I sent (if she's even read it, that is). How do I know that she'll be ok? Should I even be thinking about this?


    • I will be the first one to admit I had major one-itis for this girl. I wasn't abundant at all, I focused all my efforts and put all of my vitality into trying to secure her. I now know that I shouldn't be worried if one of my prospects falls through, there are always more, and I think I have the confidence to get closer to more women and establish abundance; but does it not hurt when someone you've been dating burns the boats with you? I'm usually fine with rejection, I can handle it when it's from a woman I just met or don't care much about. But it stings like hell when it's from someone I was deeply invested in. The regret that I should've done something better and that I might have hurt her pains me more than the rejection at the moment.


    • Even when I mess things up with girls, get rejected, flaked on, or whatever, I know that there's some possibility of contact with those women and some snowball's chance we might meet again. With K, she's made clear that there will absolutely be no further contact (and she's leaving to her home country across the world); and it's that certainty of never being able to talk to someone again (and I absolutely enjoyed her company and talking to her) that is killing me inside. It's difficult to accept not being able to speak to an individual again (especially with the modern day's internet and the multitude of ways to keep in touch it provides). How do I overcome this?


    • And in general, thus far I haven't been good with women - I was almost always on the receiving end of rejections (no doubt due to my failing shit tests, being awkward, no game, etc.). I met a girl whose kindness and personality I admired during a period when I was learning about game (and thus knew a thing or two about being a man), and the fact I myself - me, the guy who has pretty much always given his power away to women - managed to apparently hurt a girl by not responding properly to her interest (when I in fact share the same feelings), is what's hurting me. I didn't think that this would actually happen to me, that I would ever get so far to affect her this much. I feel terrible that I did somehow, I don't fully understand how I did...


    • I've almost always been on the other side of the coin, being hurt by women (not saying that they did it maliciously, just my own experience & lack of game). I want to take what I can from this experience and learn from it - but I feel like I've lost my, I don't know, 'moral initiative or moral high ground'? Previously I was striving to improve myself and get better at interacting with women - trying to bring more value into the lives of people I meet, and have fun all the while. But now, I feel like by somehow hurting her, my motivation to get better is somehow tainted. I am getting better at her expense and having caused her sadness- and that's something that's bothering me deeply. I don't even know if I can talk to her again, or make things straight with her.

    Do things get better? Will I ever stop comparing other women I meet to her? It's difficult to try and invest myself in a new girl when I am thinking of her (this is something I've been struggling with for 2 months, not just the past few days).

    Once again, sorry for the novel-length post - any advice y'all have would be much appreciated. If you need any further information about my situation, I'd be happy to provide it as well.

  2. #2
    Cody's Avatar
    Cody is offline PUA All Star (RETIRED)
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    Default Re: (Long post) Getting over separation - in need of advice...

    You asked a lot of questions, but I'm only going to take the time to tell you what you really need to hear.

    Most guys here will disagree with it solely because they lack the mental capacity to think it through. You'll realize that the biggest winners in life are the ones who assume the most personal responsibility. You feel a sense of obligation (personal responsibility) to the women that you date, and rightfully so. You feel it even more because to her you represent a culture that could develop into a negative stigma. This is also valid.

    But what you need to understand is where your responsibility ends and hers starts. Her thoughts, her decisions, her choices. You have no control over any of that. When she takes a voluntary action to remove herself from your life, that is outside of your responsibility. From there what she decides about you is uninfluenced by your future actions unless happenstance puts you in the picture.

    I understand that this isn't exactly helpful though in a practical way, only in a therapeutic, so if you'd like a guide for future endeavors, here's how I always lived my life (I have a long term girlfriend now, so I'm basically dead )

    Before you meet a girl <-- Your responsibility. You have the ability to introduce yourself or exclude yourself from her life. If at this point you don't believe that you would be able to leave her better than when you met her, why bring yourself into the equation at all?

    While you know her <-- Obviously your responsibility.

    When she exits your life (and/or visa versa) <-- Not your responsibility, because at this stage anything feasible is void of action.

    TL;DR You have a responsibility to the people in your life, not the ones who aren't.
    Wondering where I am now? Check out my latest project:


  3. #3
    afcsupreme is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: (Long post) Getting over separation - in need of advice...

    Quote Originally Posted by Cody View Post
    Before you meet a girl <-- Your responsibility. You have the ability to introduce yourself or exclude yourself from her life. If at this point you don't believe that you would be able to leave her better than when you met her, why bring yourself into the equation at all?

    While you know her <-- Obviously your responsibility.

    When she exits your life (and/or visa versa) <-- Not your responsibility, because at this stage anything feasible is void of action.
    Thanks Cody. Your words were quite helpful in my struggle to move on past my worries and doubts. I'm still finding it difficult to let go of things completely - I'm still thinking about her frequently (and thankfully I've resisted the impulse to contact her after the last email I sent), but I think with time I'll be ok - maybe even better and more self-actualized than I was before.

    If any of y'all are going through a a breakup (or in general want to develop a deeper inner game), I can't tell you enough how awesome that blog is.


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