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  • 1 Post By artandale

Thread: got ex back, left again... confused and discouraged

  1. #1
    phenix is offline PUA in Training
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    Default got ex back, left again... confused and discouraged

    ..and here I am again.
    I posted a couple of times in the past months concerning an ex of mine.
    I am not exaggerating when I say that we are the best match. The time together is perfectly natural and amazing. The problem is that when I met her, we were not official still, an unfortunately during that time I got intimate with other women. It took a lot of time for her to forgive me, until she asked me to be her boyfriend.

    From there we had months of pure happiness. Never been happier with a woman. One day, the thoughts of me being with other women while I was flirting with her hauted her back. She admitted to have trust issues she couldn't deal with. She broke up. For the first time in my life, I was crushed for a woman. I begged, did all the mistakes, then stopped. I honestly thought I would never talk to her again, as she said she didn't want to. She was angry.

    Slowly, we met again, and things seemed to get back in place. We got intimate again, she said her feelings never faded, and I could feel she was still in love head over heels. this lasted for a 2 months...

    Until tonight. Last weekend was one of the msot amazing weekends together, she even mentionned she'd like to be my wife someday. I have no clue what happened thereafter this week, but all of a sudden, the trust issues came back. I was visiting my parents, and she called, and for some reasons, she thought I was somewhere else and requested a snapchat as a proof. She felt stupid, and I just did what she wanted, I know she had trust issues and would do whatever to help her...she said she needed time, and tonight she told me she couldn't deal with those, she thought she had when she broke up initially, but it is still there and doesn't feel right for her. Ever since she got my girlfriend I have been 100% loyal to her, yet she cannot trust me apparently. And here I am crushed again...

    I know, you will think she is crazy (maybe she is) and that I should move on. Trust me guys, I wish I could.. I wish this girl wasn't such a great match with me.

    I'll take the advice from everyone however. Thank you for sharing/helping. This really sucks... feeling like you lost the woman of your dream for good, and knowing you would be 100% loyal to her, yet she cannot trust you.

  2. #2
    phenix is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: got ex back, left again... confused and discouraged

    Update:
    after only one day of NC, she gave me a call, telling me about her night last night saying she drank more than she should've and was out (testing jealousy?).. but I didn't make a big deal about it. She also asked what I'm doing next weekend and said she thought she could come see me or go to this cottage where a friend of hers invited. She made sure to state that there would be guys over there. Testing jealousy again? anyways I simply replied that sounded fun. She says she will be on skype later. Im not gonna show up.

    I hope I'm doing this right.

  3. #3
    phenix is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: got ex back, left again... confused and discouraged

    If she loves me like she says she does, idk why she would ask for space? I'd confront her on that and she would get mad. So far still NC. She called twice, very fun convos as usual. It's getting harder to sustain NC already. Feeling jealous she may be looking out for someone.. Although she says she cannot have a man in her life at this point claiming she's too busy.. And that she meet lots of ppl but no one as great as me.. Yet she needs space and didn't call tonight... So confused

  4. #4
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    artandale is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: got ex back, left again... confused and discouraged

    If this girl is the world to you show it. Don't say it. Same rules of the game apply as they always do when you are playing attraction.

    What you are dealing with is insecurities within yourself as much as she is dealing with the insecurity that you will cheat or leave her. I'd suggest you hold a frame that showcases your interest and doesnt stray from her as your only interest. The best way to do this is to accept the good, the bad and the ugly as it comes. Since you believe you're still in the dog house thinking she has all the power i believe you need to lead in the relationship. Even though you made a mistake in the relationship it doesnt mean you have to bow down to every word. I believe it means that you have the oppurtunity to build a greater relationahip now than ever before because you have failed.

    Consider leading in which you're giving her prime examples that you've chosen her. The idea of preselection is still there in her head but the idea of commitment isnt so much. Some better ways to prove this is through preloading and qualification on top of reframing your intentions that she is your focus. Don't bring up topics that questions the relationship. Doing so is similar to asking a girl if its ok to kiss her. It loses the momentum that you're building in tension. Instead always create and generate situations in which she's filled will too many emotions to hold back a smile or laugher.

    Since she's brought up other guys or maybe might be trying to get you to feel jealous i believe the best thing to do is to ignore it or reframe it in your head as if she's talking about girls she's hangjng out with. Jealousy is good and bad. Its good so you can gauge the emotional range in the relationship. Its bad to act upon it. My suggestion as to what to do from here is to go along with her idea or intentions. If there is room for you to part take--just turn things up. If she says theres going to be drinking and people--lead the group and turn it into a drinking game and when its over isolate. If theres people, drinking and music turn it into a dance party and when its done isolate. If its a concert with drinks and other people then party then isolate. The goal here is to lead everything so you are having fun and shes apart of it. Let her try to play games its ok, but when you go in knowing it might be turn things around into your favor.

    As for insecurities you need to re-examine your goals and approach. Don't make it about not losing her--make it about preselection and how you have chosen her. Never fail to lead even though you've made a mistake.
    Every moment counts, get out of your head and enjoy it.

  5. #5
    phenix is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: got ex back, left again... confused and discouraged

    Thanks artandale I really appreciate your input.

    I'd like to ask if you don't mind:
    You suggest ''hold a frame that showcases your interest and doesnt stray from her as your only interest''.

    Would you recommend that I contact her once in a while to showcase interest or continue NC until she comes to me?
    So far I was going NC (since she asked for space), however as you suggest to ''preloading and qualification on top of reframing your intentions that she is your focus'', should I get in touch with her?

    Thanks!!

  6. #6
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    Default Re: got ex back, left again... confused and discouraged

    A girl asking for space means 'dont be needy' usually it means she's about to break up with you and doesnt know how. In your case she's done that before so this to her is a more serious commitment. Women use their feelings as walls because they've learned to protect themselves--and for good reason. I believe that she's processing things. She's looking for high and low events to gauge how she feels about you after such events. Its good that she's looking for answers and bad because all you're doing is expecting them.

    The best advice i can give you is stay busy in your own life. If she's your focus spend most of it preoccupied with friends, family, work and hobbies. Keep it simple and consistent so you can too improve your self confidence. I believe every few days is a good alproach to getting a hold of her to check in like how you did it when you were in previous relationships when the both of you were busy. In this time frame she is looking for any reason to not be hurt. So you have to keep things in the middle ground and just keep things in check. I don't know how long she's out of town for but i suggest that you only get cute and romantic with her every 1-2 weeks. I'd go with 2 weeks. So the idea i'm saying is more about small builf ups of checking in every 2 to 3 days for a good week to a week and a half and then do a romantic / cute gesture that hints at te time apart is effecting you in the good way where you miss her.

    I'd also say that my recommendation is quite complex and not easy to do as conversation and responses change all the time. If she shows more interest ramp up the emotional connection. But for now keep a steady pace and then throw it off once in a while.

    One thing you still have to do is lead. And i dont mean plan your future just yet. Lead the situation. Remember that texting is just the slow and long form of a face to face interaction with no interface to gauge their emotions. Be funny and light hearted as much as possible. This way you aren't highlighting negative thoughts. Check out t-mal's texting bible to not only keep yourself busy but to see how to handle long form conversations.

    As for holding your frame you should know that holding your frame does not mean no contact and freeze out. Holding your frame is an emotional state or frame of intention. This means several things. It means you are being direct with intentions, more genuine about your role of these interactions, you know what you want, you're showing signs of confidence and assertiveness and when you take risks while embracing your frame so you can see the oppurtunities gained or lossed. Although losing might not be the best thing its really about how you handle it just like you do when talking to a girl.

    Lastly remember that women pick up on emotional cues a lot more and faster than most men. So if you dont feel confident in messaging her something that is light and easy going then she'll read it as negative connotations. So dont do it. Spend the time inbetween contact with her tod develop and trust your actions to lead. You still need to build and break rapport if you want to still attract her.
    Every moment counts, get out of your head and enjoy it.

  7. #7
    phenix is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: got ex back, left again... confused and discouraged

    Thanks very much artandale, very appreciate the time.
    I took good note of your advice and will see what happens.
    Cheers!


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