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Thread: Kinda lost - Need some perspective

  1. #1
    pepito is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Kinda lost - Need some perspective

    Today, I was reading all sorts of blogs and I really got depressed.

    Declining Intimacy Vs Declining Attraction | Chateau Heartiste


    Game indeed doesn't end when you get a gf/wife and you need to keep making efforts during your whole life.

    It seems a man is CONSTANTLY at risk of losing his woman for x, y or z reasons. She might lose interest in him altogether or she might even meet some other guy that is more interesting. I feel like we have to struggle to always meet their standards. It is understandable that a man has to stay in shape and keep the spark ignited, but does this mean he has to put up with shit tests and other mind games for the rest of his life? WTF, really? That's a really depressing thought. Isn't it possible to get a woman that will not need all sorts of "tricks" in order to be kept under control?

    When I look around, things are not really encouraging. Many of my guy friends cheat on their wives/gfs, and the ones that don't lead miserable sexless existences. I won't even mention all the couples from my parents' generation, they are all farked up in the same way.
    When reading all these blogs about the topic. it seems inevitable that attraction declines the longer one stays in a relationship. It seems to be true when you look around you.

    I really don't know what to think about all this...

    I know that game is a natural thing for some of you. In theory, it will become natural to me as well if I keep practicing over and over (like anything in life), but I wonder how much more I have to invest in this. I have other interests in life aside from pursuing women. This PUA thing (cold approaches, second-guessing, reading body language, dealing with shit tests, etc.) is really draining too much energy from me and I am getting pretty sick of it.

    How much more do I have to struggle in order to get a gf? I have been doing this PUA thing for 1.5 years and the only girls I could attract were 2 fatties. I am an introvert by nature and I cannot pursue women all the time - I need my alone time to recharge my batteries. I am also the type of guy that is very (maybe even too much) logical/rational. This does not help me at all as women are emotional creatures, and you need anything but a logical approach. This proves to be somewhat difficult for me.

    It seems like so much effort to keep gaming girls. I don't usually go out at night to sarge and I pursue/go on dates with 2-3 girls per month on average because that's as much as I can handle. I really can't multitask this sort of thing, as I am also busy with other things.


    Now, don't get me wrong. I am really glad that I learned about PUA. PUA was the incentive that made me improve my social skills (I went to TONS of meetups in order to meet new people and I am now not afraid to talk to complete strangers). I am so much more comfortable in social situations and people say that I am extroverted and out-going. I have also become good at small talk. So, this was a positive development.

    I have made loads of efforts and keep on going. I am happy to see *some* results. I can approach and talk to women in the street (I am still anxious on some occasions, but I believe this will get fixed with thime). I can number close easily but I keep screwing up the follow up. In the end, they usually see me in a completely neutral way and not as a potential lover. Even when they are initially attracted, I somehow screw up and they lose interest (which is extremely ironic, because I do a lot of interesting things and I am not boring at all).

    Some things I recently realised and which I will work on as of this summer:

    - I need to get comfortable with kino, so I will start getting used to it by touching people (guys and women alike, friends and family - everyone shall become a test subject).
    - I am a bit stingy on compliments and praises (my problem is that I am too self-centered - I rarely give a crap about other people and this is getting in my way even when it comes to friendships.

    There's not a single person that I know a bit deeper, they are all acquaintances). So, I will start complimenting family, friends and colleagues and see how it goes.

    For the time being, I am really sick and tired of gaming women. I am taking a break this summer and will just focus on working out and enjoying the sea. I might strike a conversation or two with strangers just to avoid getting rusty, but that's about it.

    I don't know if you guys have ever been through this stage, but I am discouraged by the fact that I don't seem to be getting anywhere. I never imagined things would get so hard to find another relationship ever since I broke up with my last gf. Right now, it seems like I am crossing a desert with no end in sight. Even if I get in a relationship, I would have to cater to all her emotional needs and play things cleverly or else I will be getting the axe. Why the hell do I have to go through all this when I know I can be a great bf? This world is really farked up.

    Thanks in advance for any advice.
    Cheers, mates.

  2. #2
    Grey2fox is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Kinda lost - Need some perspective

    Right. You're all over the place. You need to focus on yourself and nobody else. Your goals in life should be about you. You said you have other interests other than pursuing women, that pursuing women shouldn't be your interest. You don't have control on who likes you. PUA helps by making you feel confident about yourself through body language, reading visual signals and so on. They are all there to make you learn about yourself and accept yourself fully. It's not about learning PUA and you suddenly become Moses and part legs wherever you go.

    Don't be outcome dependent. It's a numbers game. You can talk to a 100 women and have 1 or 2 successes (it depends on your definition of success). You said you can open and hold conversations a lot better then before but still have drawbacks every now and then well you can work on fixing that. But before everything PUA, your goals in life shouldn't centre around having a woman. A woman should complement your life and not be the epicentre of it.

    Work on yourself, your dreams, your goals, your life. When you get your act together you'll feel like a million dollars because your life is great. Make yourself happy and a woman won't make you happy. A woman can share your happiness but she shouldn't be the source of it because you have no control over her. Your happiness comes from what you've built in yourself.

    You're stressing out over nothing. Don't go down any further, for me these are the first signs of depression and trust me, you don't wanna go there especially over women. They're just full of problems

  3. #3
    pepito is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Kinda lost - Need some perspective

    Yeah, you are right, I should focus on other things. I am also outcome dependent as you said, so I have to get rid of that state of mind.

    Despite me criticizing women and the need to constantly game them, I still want a relationship and all the intimacy that comes along. It has been too long already. To what lengths do I have to go until I find someone that simply likes me back? All sorts of losers around me are getting gfs and it feels like something unachievable to me. I also look around me and I see that many guys have no game, but they still get women. That's even more frustrating.

    It really gets to you when you feel that you are unappreciated and unwanted. It's as if all these girls tell me that I am inadequate and not bf material. Sometimes, all it takes is a tiny mistake (ie: fail a shit test) and you are out of the picture. Common, wtf??? That's why I feel like I am being burnt out and need a break.

  4. #4
    Grey2fox is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Kinda lost - Need some perspective

    Buddy, I'm 27. My last "relationship" lasted 2 weeks. I was 16 at that time. Single for 11 years. Introverted and lack of social skills for said years. My uptight asian upbringing didn't help either. Do I care? No. Do I work hard to change my life? Yes. I'm learning to be sociable and work on everything from ground up. At the same time I'm making women not my priority even though I haven't had any intimate relationships for 11 years. So there you go. I'm not comparing problems but if I can go through what I've gone and not give a crap about it then surely you can?

    Those feelings your holding you can subconsciously project that and women can pick on the vibes. You have the risk of projecting neediness.

  5. #5
    Blistex is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Kinda lost - Need some perspective

    Take a break. Grey said it right when he mentioned something along the lines of: "happiness comes from what you have invested in yourself." I dig that. It has made me happy, less dependent on other people's views and opinions. Heh, the last time I really went out sarging I was so rusty, I had a great conversation but I've completely forgotten how to build attraction, at least doing it on the spot. That's cool though, I still have a few more years of self-investment before I'm ready to give up the massive amounts of time I currently have to dedicate to my personal pursuits, as being in a relationship does consume a large amount of time.

    By the way, the "losers" you mention getting into relationships are probably just taking whatever they can find. I'm still single because I refuse to settle, and I'm proud of that fact. When I get asked why I'm still single I tell them that. It is honest, and growing up poor I soon learned that my integrity is the only thing that no one can take away from me.

    Another "by the way". You sound a bit conceited. Some of your statements like, "I'm anything but boring," and "All these losers around me," point to you having an attitude of being better than those around you, which I suspect to be a defense mechanism to justify to yourself why no girl has wanted to be with you since you were 16. There is a fine balance between humility and arrogance we must all strive to keep to avoid being either a douche bag or a pussy, and that isn't even about women, that is just about trying to be a good person.
    KISS - Keep it Stupid Simple

  6. #6
    Grey2fox is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Kinda lost - Need some perspective

    Blistex I'm the one who hasn't been in a relationship since 16. I don't think the OP mentioned that

  7. #7
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    Default Re: Kinda lost - Need some perspective

    The best approach to a happy life style is a lifestyle you choose. And you can only really know that you have a choice when you have options. In regards to having options in life you have to understand and be able to percieve them. You are now understanding these options more and more clearly. I think where you stand in your perspective in regards to being tired is the calm before the storm of your growth as a person who knows what he wants and how to achieve it. By understanding all the rules of engagement and seeking inner growth you will naturally attract women and have options. Expand into new experiences by doing what you normally do just with more energy. I've been keeping a simple routine for the last 4 months and i've had options to close and have closed. I'm not the greatest looking guy (chubby mid 20's asian with glasses). I don't have expectations for change because i do what i want, when i want it and i give people around me options. I believe i fit the 2 personality types... One being a leader and the other being a badazz. I'm emotionally spontaneous for the sake of my own pleasure and leading to ensure my time is not spoiled by the group dragging their feet. The issue i think i see most in this community is that most people tend to look for oppurtunities rather than create them from nothing. I am constantly intiating conversation, group events and starting a party with the idea of forgetting troubles and moving forward to a good time. Not only do people respond well to this but you will feel the growth too if leading. I'm not sure how you decide ro do things in your life but i take pride in changing the small things. Example, if the only free time i have is when i eat... I go to a place that is differen and doesnt remind me of home or work. If people from work go with me to lunch i make it appoint to not talk about work. I try not to order the same thing everyday. Why is any of this important to gaming or inner game? Because people are always going to be around you--by making interesting choices that lead to an outward look on your life you have less to complain about because you are actively seeking options and adventures. What most people forget is that with this type of personality that you can fine tune is that it helps you bump into more people. Being friendly to people you just bump into can lead to more people or attractive people you want in your life. When you keep sulking over the same meal everyday you only have yourself to blame. Why not continue to make your change and turn it up to 11 when everyone thinks you can only goto 10. Make more of these changes for yourself with the idea of challenging yourself to have fun. When people really see you're fun the more they'll want to hang out with you. Don't get discouraged that the hot girls aren't at your house party because they're next door. Grab some beers and knock on their doors and invite them over. Create the situation. Lead the group to have a good time so you can do whatever you want.
    Every moment counts, get out of your head and enjoy it.

  8. #8
    Blistex is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Kinda lost - Need some perspective

    haha grey you are right. my bad, though my advice still stands.
    KISS - Keep it Stupid Simple

  9. #9
    Carter21 is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: Kinda lost - Need some perspective

    First, I would not be upset that you have to continue the attraction process even when a relationship is established, for a number of reasons. 1. The inverse is also true - the girl has to continue attracting you as well. Just as she may lose interest at any time, you may lose interest in her as well. You have to stay in good shape, and so does she.

    2. Its not as hard to maintain interest as you're making it out to be. There are girls who have been physically abused multiple times who are still madly in love with their spouses. Girls constantly complain to me that their bf's don't treat them well, that they're self absorbed, that they don't take them on dates enough, that they don't do this and don't do that. But they still go to their houses every night and have sex with them. The reason is that those BF's still display the traits that attracted them in the first place. Those guys were hot, funny, and sociable, and despite the complaints the girls started to have, the guys still had those attractive traits. So long as you maintain your attractive qualities, its not difficult to keep the girl into you.

    3. If getting in a relationship GUARANTEED that both partners would be 100% faithful for *life*, there would be no need for either partner to put any more effort into the relationship. You would both become bored at how the other has stopped trying ever since the relationship became official.

    Now, as for your struggles in the game itself:

    If kino is your weakness, then its a good thing you've discovered it. Every PUA on this site will tell you that its necessary. Kino is how you show sexual interest, and its very difficult to generate attraction without it because bfs and gfs are supposed to constantly touch each other.

    *insert one of 100s of studies showing that touching creates personal connection*

    If guys around you are getting gfs, its more logical to figure out what they're doing that you're not. Its fine to get upset, but its also necessary to be practical. You consider yourself smart, and you know these guys better than we do, so you should be able to take a step back and objectively determine the causes of their success.

    But yeah, most of all, focus on the kino. Its the key to everything.

  10. #10
    pepito is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Kinda lost - Need some perspective

    Thanks for the input, mates! It's really good to have an outsider's opinion

    First of all, I am sorry if I came off as conceited. I was really upset when I wrote the post. I am just sick of seeing other guys achieving so easily something that I desire. I am generally doing fine with the other aspects of my life, but this feels like a permanent thorn on my ass. I don't know if they enter in a relationship with the first woman that sends them a positive signal, but I have never seen them being single for a long time. For me, it's a bit more than 4 years and it's getting to me (ok, the first 2, I wasn't looking at all because I focused on my career, but it's still too long).

    The thing about being happy with my own life first before getting into a relationship can sound as good advice. However, I can't say I was the especially content at the time I was flirting with my first gf. Yet, I still managed to get her. We started off as friends for a year and then we became closer.

    As for what attracts women, I am still trying to figure out how I can apply the theory I have learned to my specific situation and personality.
    First of all, I realised that most women are big fat liars. They claim something but are drawn by the complete opposite.
    Just as Carter21 wrote, their bfs can be abusive, yet they keep going back to them. It's so fucked up. It's like they enjoy the mental torture. I have exactly one gal like that at my workplace. She found a new bf and the guy is playing her like a true PUA. The guy didn't write for 24h and she got upset and started crying about it. Wtf?

    It's so ironic that they never appreciate it when they meet a guy that can be attentive and nice and drama-free. They even get bored if everything is working fine in the relationship. It's as if they are biologically designed to be drawn to drama.

    Maybe I am looking at the wrong places. Maybe I am targeting the wrong type of girls. Maybe I should increase the number of girls I game (note that I am not particularly interested in gaming random chicks in the street, it's simply not my style). There must be some girl that can appreciate my qualities. If I managed to get into a relationship in the past, I should be able to do it again, no? I really don't understand my predicament. I got aware of my nice-guy syndrome and I dropped it asap, but it still didn't help.

    Another frustrating thing is that I doubt that any of the guys I know have ever needed to go through any type of dry spell or learning period to get girls. They don't see any exceptional game from their part but they still get pussy.

    There's definitely something wrong with my approach. I identify bits and pieces, try to improve them and simply hope it will work better next time.
    I will keep working on myself, but I am really on the edge at this time of the year. I see all sorts of couples everywhere and my frustration grows even bigger. I get all sort of stupid advice like "it will come when you are not looking", "you are a nice guy, you will eventually find someone". I just want to tell everyone to fuck off. They know nothing about how I feel rejected by everyone right now. They have never been in my situation, so they will never understand. I have never felt so misunderstood in my life (some people even think I am gay, really...).

    I am pretty goods at internalizing my problems and inner thoughts, so no one really knows I have personal issues. I can't really say that I am giving off a negative aura when I am with other people, because I really get into the interaction and really forget about everything else. To be honest, I am quite happy and outgoing when I am surrounded by other people and everyone appreciates my company.

    Grey2fox: Really sorry to hear about you being single for so long. I really admire the fact that you have managed to keep strong all this time. I hope PUA can help you get out of this.


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