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Thread: What does mixed messages mean? How to make girls feel less insecure?

  1. #1
    jayk238 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default What does mixed messages mean? How to make girls feel less insecure?

    Hi guys, I have very limited experience with women. But there are some things that are good for me. I have a lot of confidence. I can now go up to a girl say hi, start a conversation, and make eye contact the entire time. I used to not even be able to talk to girls ( i was the nerdy guy picked on all my life/ I probably have assburgers). Also I would consider myself an 8 or a 9 in the looks department. very attractive guy. I know this because I've been repeatedly told by random strangers. But for a long long time I had such anxiety that even talking to girls became so painful that they- in their shyness, and their ability to recognize my insecurities would all run away.

    However, there is a new me. A confident me who is able to handle himself well. However, i need to learn and improve.

    So lately I have noticed a lot of signs and behaviors from girls but am unaware of how to respond to them.

    First, I need help how to have things to talk about. and I need to know why women behave the way they do.

    I met a really cute waitress the other day. It was just me and her, I asked for a card, she seemed really giddy to see me. I took it as an IOI. we talked for a while, but all I got was her name shook her hand she asked mine and that was it. I didnt really know what to say or how to go about anything else. Few days later I saw her at the bar- I thought she would show the same interest- yet she just keep giving me the eye, looking at me here and there over and over but never smiled. So I was confused, I never smiled, acted like I didnt care and stopped looking at her. I was actually hoping to talk to her and get her info but how could I do that when she was all the way in the kitchen away from the bar?

    I met two girls at two coffee shops. The first showed obvious IOI. I went up to her asked what she was doing- she told me, we talked, throughout this she would look at me I would look at her. I smiled she smiled. Later I went to go up to her- to get her number and said it was a pleasure to meet you. She looked nervous and quickly said same here good luck. I took it like she wasnt interested, and moved on. I was confused.

    I met another girl at the coffee shop. Same thing with her. This time, when I talked and went up to her to shake her hand she said oh maybe Ill see you again. I said sure are u here often. She quickly turned away said umm I dunno here and there- I said ok and walked off. I was confused again.

    WTF is going on?

    I met another girl, this time at the hospital where I am a student (med student)- she was an easy 9. I mean totally hot chic. She was also easy to mess with. Id constantly tease her and mess with her. I called her a future trophy wife and she went off about how she probably will be one. Next day and day after that she tried to prove to me she wasnt stupid- she brought her law school books and read them to me and talked about how she was taking her lsats bla bla bla. I constantly teased her, made her read random lines from it and so forth (I have confidence- period and especially when I know what to do or just want to be playful-I just dont know what to do after).

    Next day she says this- we're talking bla bla- she says- Yeah bla bla my B- and she stops. Instead of saying boyfriend she just says my B-. stops herself, and says my friend is helping me with bla bla bla. I take it as she has a boyfriend and finish the convo but get back to what im doing. later she comes up in the middle of a meeting because her books are there and looks at me the whole time. I ignore her. she sits in the corner and has her whole body towards me and looks at me the whole time i ignore her. when we do make eye contact i dont smile i just look at her and then away. She then changes her behavior. From here on out she wont even look at me. she would talk to me here and there but do the same thing i did- after a while I noticed she was doing what I had done to her- ignoring me the same way, turning her head away when I came to see her or waved hi (in a goofy kind of way). for what its worth all the ladies there were into me and would lap up anything I did. Like i said, I'm a very good looking guy. I'd say I'm one of those guys with model looks. But after years and years of being picked on through high school I've been a neurotic nervous wreck.

    I got CBT recently and it helped me with confidence. I no longer have those negative thoughts. I can cold approach just about anyone. I can say Hi, how are you whats your name look them in the eye like they are mine and have no issues. I have no fears- just clueless.

  2. #2
    artandale's Avatar
    artandale is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: What does mixed messages mean? How to make girls feel less insecure?

    Stop doubting yourself. You think you have fixed your anxiety problem but you havent. Even the pros havent. We can never fully get out or in on a situation the way we want to. People do not work like that. We bump into each other to learn. Throughout our development stages in our lives we've been taught to never fail because failing is not succeeding and succeeding is everything. And to society and how we've groomed males is that if you fail in succeeding you are a loser. You are not the bread winner and you have no place in this society.

    So where to go from here? Accept and embrace the moment and failure. You learn more. A teacher in college told me that you can only learn from your mistakes. You want to get better? Then triple your failure rate.

    You think you got game. But lets face it. You're still waiting for green lights instead of treating everything as a green light until its red. You're not a mind reader. Stop making her mind for her--she has the power to tell you shes not ready, not interested, or not available. Remember when you approach women you are creating and leading a situation by doing things most guys wouldn't dare to do or know how to handle. So never stop creating and escalating the moments you're creating. Stop doubting yourself and accept whatever comes the good and the bad. Treat everything as if its for you--this is your moment. Get out of your head..
    Every moment counts, get out of your head and enjoy it.

  3. #3
    daffyff is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: What does mixed messages mean? How to make girls feel less insecure?

    I think good looking men have a harder time with women, because women put up their walls more readily.

    There are two things wrong with your game: 1) you have terrible timing and seem to mix up the order of things which is in fact sending mixed messages to the women you approach and 2) when confused, you stone wall, you freeze up.

    The coffee shop girls seemed to think you were being friendly, until they realized you were hitting on them. This confusion cause nervousness which is what you were witnessing.

    The law student is actually just incredibly embarrassed. She totally stuck her foot in her mouth by accidentally dropping the fact that she has a boyfriend. It was a bad idea to ignore her at this point as it pretty much confirmed her faux pas. It's unfortunate because I don't think you can recover from this, but like artandale said you can definitely learn from it. You're a smart guy, and you recognized how her attitude changed after that meeting.

  4. #4
    jayk238 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: What does mixed messages mean? How to make girls feel less insecure?

    For the first time I feel like im talking to guys who know their stuff on a forum and aren't as clueless as me.

    So how do you transition from being friendly to getting a number? For example, how do I take the IOI from them and roll with it. You say they thought I was friendly and then I was hitting on them- but wasnt their behaviours indications of interest? So doesnt that mean I should escalate it? If I'm over escalating or doing it too fast- how to slow it down to get a better response ie incrementally let them know Im headed towards asking them out...

    The weird part about the law student- she later pretended like she doesnt have a bf, that she's moving in with her guy 'friend'- note she used the word friend not boyfriend who was a pharm student (instead of the previous guy whos a law student). And I saw her on tinder. Go figure. What gives? crazy chic? Shit test? what was her reasoning?

  5. #5
    jayk238 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: What does mixed messages mean? How to make girls feel less insecure?

    Quote Originally Posted by artandale View Post
    Stop doubting yourself. You think you have fixed your anxiety problem but you havent. Even the pros havent. We can never fully get out or in on a situation the way we want to. People do not work like that. We bump into each other to learn. Throughout our development stages in our lives we've been taught to never fail because failing is not succeeding and succeeding is everything. And to society and how we've groomed males is that if you fail in succeeding you are a loser. You are not the bread winner and you have no place in this society.

    So where to go from here? Accept and embrace the moment and failure. You learn more. A teacher in college told me that you can only learn from your mistakes. You want to get better? Then triple your failure rate.

    You think you got game. But lets face it. You're still waiting for green lights instead of treating everything as a green light until its red. You're not a mind reader. Stop making her mind for her--she has the power to tell you shes not ready, not interested, or not available. Remember when you approach women you are creating and leading a situation by doing things most guys wouldn't dare to do or know how to handle. So never stop creating and escalating the moments you're creating. Stop doubting yourself and accept whatever comes the good and the bad. Treat everything as if its for you--this is your moment. Get out of your head..
    You're right I am waiting for green lights and I shouldnt. I have to take charge.

  6. #6
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    Default Re: What does mixed messages mean? How to make girls feel less insecure?

    Some girls just like talking or flirting. For some people they find connecting with people to be a positive thing while they are still commited to their lovers. They'll go anywhere but kiss and escalate to sex sometimes. Its the emotional connection that some people look for. Guys do this too.

    When escalating there isnt so much of a slowing down of pace rather that stop and go or stop all together. Why stop? You stop at redlights because thats her comfort level. Sex or kissing should never be forced on or used as a tool.

    Also about getting their number there are 2 ways... Bein direct or in-direct. Direct shows your cards early so the girl knows you're interested. Most girls aren't sure and are willing to play and see how far a guy can get by bring in-direct. Why? Because when they see you taking risks they can feel comfortable enough to say no. It sucks that this is the norm but this is the general area of play
    Every moment counts, get out of your head and enjoy it.

  7. #7
    jayk238 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: What does mixed messages mean? How to make girls feel less insecure?

    I see so being direct means girls think you are confident and can take rejection so indirect helps get you under the radar.

    I guess its because I feel so on top of myself that I wont get rejected by girls lol.

    I was thinking actually maybe they were just really shy and scared about the whole thing? instead of say not being interested?

    For example, the girl I went to- I said pleasure to meet you -maybe she was just nervous and quickly fell back on the easy way to exchange goodbyes- good luck nice to meet you- before I had the chance to even ask her out....or is this not the case?

    I ask because I'm thinking- so lets say I do the IOIs with a girl we're talking- how best to approach her directly but to also indicate interest in her before I go up to her to ask her out? In other words, what can I say beforehand to let her know that I most likely will ask her out but in a clever or good way. obv I wont want to ask her if she has a bf. But I also want to prime her so that when I approach her she can feel good.

    I think style says comfort plus security equals sex or something. How do I do this?

  8. #8
    artandale's Avatar
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    Default Re: What does mixed messages mean? How to make girls feel less insecure?

    Stop quoting things if you cant remember them.

    Stop looking for the perfect answers. Its ok to fail. Failing makes you able to tolerate more failure. If you think there is enough connection then ask her out. But i don't recommend just getting a number as proof or a badge to wear. You need purpose and connection to escalate beyond friendship and comfort tonestablish a deep rapport with women: they arent trophies although they do make this feel like a sport... I suggest you take a break from over thinking things as you do it and just do things to have fun because thats what you wanted.

    The best time to ask for angirls number is when she's starry eyed into you with a body language that says 'i'm not going anywhere until you talk to me'... This is usually done with IOI's but most guys confuse the amount if it. They confuse how sometimes people naturally give IOI's and when they are screaming IOI's... The screwming ones are the ones where you need to act before its gone. Its usually when things are held out for a bit longer than a few seconds. It shows a clairity of interest when its just the two of you and to everyone else in public it looks like a normal conversation because whe isnt going to grab you for a kiss--she wants to protect herself from being named promiscuous. Sopay attention. Stop over thinking things and who cares if you make a mistake or two. Just make sure you handle things the way you wanted to.
    Every moment counts, get out of your head and enjoy it.

  9. #9
    daffyff is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: What does mixed messages mean? How to make girls feel less insecure?

    Also all of these scenarios are day game. There are certain pros and cons to day game that you should look into, but mostly like artandale said: practice, calibrate, repeat. Every failure is information.

  10. #10
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    Default Re: What does mixed messages mean? How to make girls feel less insecure?

    Break rapport to build attraction and qualify her to get her to invest. Calibrate to her responses if she gives you mixed signals. It just takes time and experience to get calibrated
    Elevate Your Game | Check out my blog for lay reports, attraction and dancefloor game tips !

    willedward.com


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