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Thread: How to communicate properly and control what you say

  1. #1
    jayk238 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default How to communicate properly and control what you say

    Sometimes I have a tendency to say things I probably shouldnt or may seem socially awkward. Nothing awful just really cringe worthy afterwards.

    I think a lot of it used to be hearing them said or variations of them in certain contexts and using them out of context.

    I have a text message exchange for example that took place recently. I want to know if this phrase is inappropriate or weird to say:

    her: I guess I was pretty ugly in those scrubs then?

    me: You mean all those days you were in short shorts showing off your silky smooth legs or those tight pants? Yea I was checking you out.

    me: you're not insecure are you because then we shouldnt even talk.

    And our texts continued, eventually she stopped responding (though it was all flirty after this)- it was night and she did say she was going to sleep.

    A week later i texted how she was doing (we are very far apart) and her first response was- hey i asked my parents and you can stay at our house in december bla bla.

    I asked how her break was and she said im doing fine, just studying ha.

    I didnt ask much but I wasnt sure if what I said was too inappropriate?

    I just feel like I'm hit or miss.

    I was flirting with another girl and she had forgotten my name but didnt want to be rude so asked for it in a clever way while texting. (we later met up and went on a few dates and made out). This is how it started-

    me: hi
    her: hi, i lost my phone and lost all my contacts can you please give me your name again i dont know who this is

    me: oh haha, I'm ben, I met you at the bar last week i was so helpless when i saw you in that sexy skirt (my name isnt ben)

    her: haha, i dont recall this, haha, I wish I did though, I didnt realize I made an impression, lol.

    Our exchanges continued on -and actually I thought the flirting in this one and with the other girl went just fine.

    I just didnt feel as concerned about this exchange as I have felt with the other one.

    Was I too sexual?

    Why is it that my filter works sometimes and other times it doesnt?

    A lot of times I notice myself having an idea form in my head of what a funny comment would be so i quickly say it but it wont always come out right. Is there something I can do to control this?

    I've noticed with CBT I have less anxiety so maybe i used to blurt things out out of fear I wont say it if I think too long-

  2. #2
    Maverick1027's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to communicate properly and control what you say

    I don't think you're doing terribly. But, I think you're probably trying just a LITTLE too hard. Be natural. Be yourself. Don't try so hard. If you find that your filter isn't working or if you think that the first thing you want to say is probably not going to go over well ... don't say it. Stop and think about it. You don't have to respond to her text right away. Besides, you should vary the amount of time between responses. You don't want her to be able to predict when you're going to text her back. Also, go a little lighter on the physical beauty compliments. Sure, drop one in every now and then (girls like to be reminded that they're pretty) but if you do it all the time, you sound like an AFC. And, only do it as a reward after she's displayed a serious IOI.

    But yeah, the thing to remember is: While you don't want to over think things, don't say something without at least asking yourself: "Is this worth saying?" most of the time. The answer is probably no. But ... I think the best advice is if you aren't the smoothest talker. Don't try to be. Whatever attribute you have that works for you, use it to your advantage.

  3. #3
    jayk238 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: How to communicate properly and control what you say

    Is there a guide to proper conversation. Not what to say but simple rules.

  4. #4
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    Default Re: How to communicate properly and control what you say

    I don't know of a guide but i'd say every texting thread is pretty much all the same. Usually the guy freaks out about why a girl isn't responding and over reacting based upon what he said. If you notice in most conversations in text what makes it to hard to bite down on is the tension across days or weeks with a person. Texting should be seen as a long form text based conversation rather than a normal face to face with real time conversation. The rules are the same--time is the only ever changing variable.

    When you put yourself out there taking risks--make sure your intent is clear. But dont over think it. Your life doesnt depend on this interaction. Your taking risks because YOU COULD GO EITHER WAY WITH OR WITH OUT HER INTERACTION. When she reads the risk as likely probable to strongly consider the risk. Chances are she wont say yes but will let you proceed so she can let her mind be over taken by the feelings instead of over thinking things. When you as her to challenge herself in the middle of an act she's no longer recieving the attention and now forced into giving. Let her decide to give or recieve input or whatever. When you present it to her and its clear if she isnt backing off then she's going to let you go as far as she's willing to take the risk--depending on how good your interactions are with her. This power of deniablity gives her the last minute choice to pull any card including LMR. You can't decide for her.

    Lastly hold your frame of intent. Most guys fail at this. They get thrown off the horse and get stuck on why they fell off the ride instead of getting right back on it to ride. You are there for the girl don't be there for the problems. And lets be totally honest here the only reason why you want the girl is because you want to be happy--so make yourself happy and the girl will come. If the conversation is drying out--take the lead and move on to something else in the conversation or isolate or distract. Most importantly is to lead.
    Every moment counts, get out of your head and enjoy it.

  5. #5
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    Default Re: How to communicate properly and control what you say

    Jayk, I know a really good guide for you that you would really like. It's MeHow's 3 second attraction guide.

    It basically shows you how to speak the language of emotion. It's the best guide out there that does that (until I come out with my own). That guide is good but it is a bit technical. You being a medschool student might be able to handle it.

    My only advice to you regarding your text is not to give up your value so fast. It's reflecting your innergame. As you said, you blurted things out of fear.

    For example:
    me: oh haha, I'm ben, I met you at the bar last week i was so helpless when i saw you in that sexy skirt (my name isnt ben)

    This is fine, but it subcommunicates that you gave up your value although the girl did appreciate the value you gave her via compliment. Me personally I would've said something like:

    me: I'm [X]. The 5 ft 300 lb guy with sweaty armpits that you professed your love to.

    But that is just me and that is if the girl just said "Who is this?" But since your girl, gave you an invested response, I would've probably said something along the lines of what you said (but without giving up too much value, but still communicate sexuality).

    me: I'm [Your real name]. I met you at the bar last week. I saw you in that sexy skirt and I was like damn that is sexy cuz I almost wore the same thing. But I think you make it look better than me.

    Nothing wrong with being sexual as long as
    1) You are honest with your intentions
    2) The girl is responding. Every girl is different and you should calibrate her.
    3) You have the sexuality to match what you say.

    Lastly, don't use texts for conversations. You should have a goal when you text a girl. That goal is to set up a meet. If you can meet for whatever reason, then a holding pattern text.

  6. #6
    jayk238 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: How to communicate properly and control what you say

    This girl wrote me her number down. I was feeling her legs the day we met. I think she had slight self esteem issues and she models lol. So I felt the need to complement her. also we couldnt meet up even though we were supposed to so I was just texting for a holding pattern as you said. Honestly I was trying to get her horny but instead fell back to making jokes since she didnt take it there.

  7. #7
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    Default Re: How to communicate properly and control what you say

    Let her lead the time and plave then. Girls i try to meet usually are top bust for me so asking them to tell me when will more often work for me. Just remember you need to still handle this properly and not expect her to lead the entire way.
    Every moment counts, get out of your head and enjoy it.

  8. #8
    jayk238 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: How to communicate properly and control what you say

    what does top bust mean? im a bit confused by that. also do the rules change for women over 30? Are we supposed to show more interest in them at that age or do we do the same stuff we do with younger girls?

    I notice that most women are actually insecure and shy and the over 30 crowd seems even more so....I assume this means I should be more forward?

  9. #9
    I.M.Mortal's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to communicate properly and control what you say

    The rules of attraction don't change.

    All women go through the same process. The only difference is women in their late 20s start looking for deeper qualities in men, such as security for a long term relationship. Younger women are more shallow.

    Women in their 30's tend to be more responsive. This just means you don't have to work as hard. As a woman gets older, her value goes down.

    As for women over 30s being more shy, I don't find that the case. Most women I know post 30 in the big city where I am in are more friendly and outgoing. Their biological clock is ticking and they know it. Their value is not what it once was when they were in their early 20s so they can't be as picky and they need to lose that bitch shield they had.

    In your situation, the best advice I can give you is maintain your frame and be natural and congruent. As for bringing out the best of your external game - be fun, and challenging. If you approach a girl and she is not being responsive for whatever reason (shy, unfriendly, lack of social intelligence, w/e), then next her and move on. That is what PUAs do. They internalize "Blah, she is boring. NEXT!" You are weeding them out. Put your mind in this frame - if you were the boss and she were the interviewee, would you be impressed if you got the response that you did?

  10. #10
    jayk238 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: How to communicate properly and control what you say

    but a lot of girls are shy and nervous. If I did this with every girl then the only one's left would be the girls with bitch shields impossible for me to talk to at this stage of myself.

    Even with CBT Sometimes i find excuses not to talk to a girl. I've been this way today- I saw a cute girl giving me the eye at another fast food joint. She was very sweet, but for some reason I just kept it very professional. You could say i had my male bitch shield up. It was unnecessary. I dont know what happened.


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