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  • 2 Post By ConnorMaxwell72
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Thread: How to win back an Ex..Need advice asap

  1. #1
    Hellboy855 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default How to win back an Ex..Need advice asap

    Hi first time post but long time reader..I will detail a brief history of myself and my ex girlfriend but focus more on recent events in more detail

    Background info
    -Seeing each other off/on for over 5 years now
    -I was reluctant to commit at start of relationship as i was enjoying being single after previous relationship
    -When i did finally realize what I wanted about two years ago my ex kind of used it as excuse to punish me for my past mistakes, ending up becoming AFC over course of few months
    -She began to treat me pretty shitty knowing she could get away with it, I passed it off yeah well maybe I do have to do the running here because of past etc...
    -she moved to away for a few month, during this time i got confidence back met someone else finished with ex etc
    -when my ex returned she came running back saying sorry etc Things will change, I love you, give me another chance
    -Against my better judgement and after month of half of this I met her and agreed to give it another go..
    -After this she began a new job met new people basically went back to how it was as if i was one chasing after this, said she couldn't commit to an exclusive relationship as she felt hurt id been with someone else

    sooo
    -After another few months of taking me for granted and messing me around i cut myself off from it again and same thing happened..she said she wanted exclusive relationship etc
    -I was angry and told her i was moving on etc, cut contact, told her to move on, i wanted to see if she was serious this time
    - then suddenly she came and said she moving on, coincided with her meeting some other guy,they just were flirting etc nothing to serious yet but i made mistake of going AFC and gushing about this and that, the usual mistakes..
    -she met me a few times, said she just didn't know now about us because of what had happened in past,etc all this shit
    -I did the opposite of all advice on this forum lol in the following period however i did finally wise up and come to my senses..

    so i remembered the forums...I read other posts..I went nc...I joined gym etc probably in best shape my life..invested myself in other interests..

    so after about two weeks or so of nc she txt me...i didnt reply straight away and got a msg saying are you not speaking to me..I replied, kept it short, implied i was busy and wished her well..few days later of nc again she called me, i answered and didnt mention anything about past relationship, just kept it positive on my end etc as id read and signed off in a nice but abrupt kind of way..i've went no contact again now..she now knows i've seen other people for dates..the last time she msged me i started to neg her again and when she mentioned relationship and how was awkard when we spoke etc i just passed off that i never noticed, she began to rant about how id quickly changed how i felt about things after id accused her of the same etc..I relied with a question totally unrelated about a friend of hers..she replied about why i was asking about some other girl etc and i just didnt reply back went back to nc..that was about a week ago... any thoughts on how i should proceed

    Also as far as i know this other guy is still chasing after her

    Any advice would be greatly appreciated guys
    Thanks

  2. #2
    ConnorMaxwell72 is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: How to win back an Ex..Need advice asap

    Well, lets slow down for a minute and really look at this. Ask yourself - Do you REALLY want her back? If this were me, I'd want nothing to do with the kind of cycle of drama going on and out eject immediately. Sounds to me like you've got a lot of Inner Game to work on, you're not totally on your balance and you can't make a solid, logically, correct decision of what you want because she's lingering over your shoulders.

    I also suspect that you haven't really taken what you've read to heart. It sounds like you've just been picking through strategies of "the quick fix" to get your ex back, without realizing that anything - relationships or fwb - are seeds that need to be planted for the long term. I can tell by how you wrote your question, and you've never posted before.

    Either way - here's what needs to happen:
    1) You need to go back to no contact. You've been bouncing in and out of each other's lives and not really given any time for the gravity of the decision to break up to settle in to her mind. That means no answering texts, don't entertain a conversation with her over the phone, anything. And you need to have no contact for a while. My personal recommendation is 30 days - strait. If you mess up and answer her message, that means another 30 days of no contact. You need to break the codependency cycle. She needs to feel the weight of actually not having you in her life.

    During this time, you also need to get your own sh!t together. Really fix your own inner game and really find out what it is to be a Man. Given your description, it sounds like you really need a lot work. Say you follow all this advice except working on yourself, why would she want to be with someone who's the same old AFC she knew before?

    2) You need to approach her again as if you've never met her before and treat everything like it's a brand new relationship. It means dating, getting to know each other, everything. There's a long methodology to this, and if you want to know, you can reach out to me. I'm making this post massively long as is it.

    Long story short - Go back to NC for no less than 30 days, then test the waters. But you need to stay in control in all of this. this is why YOU need to go to NC.

  3. #3
    Hellboy855 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: How to win back an Ex..Need advice asap

    Hi thanks for the reply..really helpful

    Few quick questions
    -it was me who ended it a few months ago..I went nc and told her it was over and was quite hard on her...then when she began to eventually nc me and rang me to say she was moving on...if I go no contact again now and ignore all txts and calls for a month who's to say she won't get pissed off and get angry and go nc as we'll
    -secondly before this shitty afc stage I had pretty good game and no trouble with women..since I've accepted this my confidence has improved and on my first night out since I pulled two numbers..should I pursue other options giving it will become known to her or will it just seem I'm trying to make her jealous..what's the protocol there?
    -if she asks to meet do I reject it? Or what do I do if I happen to run into her by chance?small town limited options on night out etc

  4. #4
    ConnorMaxwell72 is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: How to win back an Ex..Need advice asap

    Quote Originally Posted by Hellboy855 View Post
    Hi thanks for the reply..really helpful

    Few quick questions
    -it was me who ended it a few months ago..I went nc and told her it was over and was quite hard on her...then when she began to eventually nc me and rang me to say she was moving on...if I go no contact again now and ignore all txts and calls for a month who's to say she won't get pissed off and get angry and go nc as we'll
    -secondly before this shitty afc stage I had pretty good game and no trouble with women..since I've accepted this my confidence has improved and on my first night out since I pulled two numbers..should I pursue other options giving it will become known to her or will it just seem I'm trying to make her jealous..what's the protocol there?
    -if she asks to meet do I reject it? Or what do I do if I happen to run into her by chance?small town limited options on night out etc
    Honestly, it doesn't matter who broke off what first. If you broke it off first, you had a reason to break it off and she needs to feel what it's like to suffer the consequences of the reason the break up occurred. It also doesn't matter if the break up was hard on her or not - it explains a little - but you're not responsible for how she chose to handle the break up. Lets put this into perspective: how she dealt with the break up was a choice by her. You did not hold a gun to her head and force her to feel a certain way through the break up. My old mentor told me once: "We're all victims of circumstance. You can't control what happens to you, but you can control how you react to it." So, first and foremost, you need to put out of your mind any perception you have that you need to make it up to her or apologize to her for how she chose to deal with the break up. This is probably why you were very AFC the other times you saw her.

    To answer your first question - who cares if she gets up pissed off and upset that you don't answer her texts? You are under no obligation to ever reply to her. Equally so, you are not responsible for her emotions or her actions - just like you don't owe it to her to make her feel good (wrap your head around that one - that's a big one). Let her go through all the emotions she wants to through the break up - remain in control. If she texts you, don't answer. If she calls, don't answer. And when you decide to make contact again, and she tries to bring all this up, simply end the conversation by saying "this really isn't appropriate" or "I'm not going to talk about this." The idea is that you need to build a brand new relationship, not try to pick up where the old, broken, dysfunctional one left off.

    Again, who cares if she gets jealous if you meet new women? You aren't tied to her, you're not in a relationship, you are perfectly entitled to date who ever you want. You owe her nothing. Get that through your head. And you should be dating around anyway. Practice what it's like to flirt, brush up on your skills, because you'll need them to win her back. The point too, is a thing called "social proof". If she sees you being around people who find you attractive, she is hard wired to find you more attractive. It goes back to the cavemen days. I'm not going to go too deep into that, if you want, google it.

    (And, for the record, I don't put a lot of stock in people who flaunt number closing - girls will give you numbers for anything to be honest. Just because you got a few numbers doesn't mean anything. You have to follow through. I think you just are lucky at getting a particular type of girl - which doesn't make you a PUA. So be careful who you flaunt that to.)

    For emphasis: it does not matter how she feels or what she thinks. The idea is that you need to sever the old ties to your old relationship to build something new. The only way to do that is through no contact. Let her feel how she wants to feel, let her think what she wants to think, take care of yourself, build your confidence again, and practice flirting - because if you want to get her back again, you have to start from scratch, which means flirting and courting all over again once all the negative emotions settle.

  5. #5
    Hellboy855 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Talking Re: How to win back an Ex..Need advice asap

    whoa awesome advice much appreciated..

    yeah think I need to quit blaming myself for her actions..justifying them for her because of my own past behaviour in the relationship..in regards to the number close I didn't mean to sound braggish i was just making effort to try get out there again,even when I broke it off with her I held back from moving on for fear I might wreck something..stupid yeah..I actually managed to close one of these girl so maybe I'll see how that goes but it was probably just the booze talking more than anything and definatly feel my game is nowhere where is once was or could be..any ideas where to begin?

    I'm going to try keep myself busy..started a new course today, working out everyday now(my ex ridiculed this last time we actually talked especially the social side of my new gym so I guess she's insecure over this and the exposure to women at it. Any other ideas about how to keep busy and improve on this side of things and get back in the mix would be appreciated as I do feel the afc trying to pull me back to the dark side at time ATM
    also I'll try keep posting if you will be about and inform how this plays out as I notice a lot of the threads here fade into obscurity

    Thanks for taking time to help a forum noob

  6. #6
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    Default Re: How to win back an Ex..Need advice asap

    Hey man. Haven't been on the forums in awhile but I saw this and wanted to give some advice.

    I've been there with ex's. Had way too many heartbreaks with girls I felt like I loved. Shit sucks and tends to linger with you for awhile.

    Want to know the cool thing about all of my ex girlfriends, or girls I had long time flings with for while? At one point, I could of gotten back with nearly ALL of them if I wanted to at certain points of my life possibly for good.

    Anyways, back to your circumstance, & regarding the title of your post..

    Connor Maxwell up their gives pretty solid advice. ^

    Getting an ex back is not a "game" issue until after you re-connect again. It's an overall life thing. You need to improve your entire life & be a better man with way more value when you meet her again. Key word. VALUE.

    Hit the gym, get ripped. Get a promotion or better job. Buy a nicer car. Have money. Go out and make tons of friends and live your life without her.

    Learn an instrument. Guitar especially.

    Go on trips. Take lots of pictures. Meditate, think about your inner game.

    Absolutely no contact. No liking her shit on Facebook. You can very lightly talk to her friends, but when you do, ONLY DHV to them and leave it. Don't let them pry into your life.

    Only after you have a massive amount of more value, you know you're a way better person, your life is way more straightened out.. Do you contact her.

    When you do contact her, for the FIRST time, meet her for lunch as just friends or something platonic.

    That's when the "game" comes into effect. But until then, just improve your life massively, stay no contact or VERY BRIEF contact no matter how much she contacts you, & do it all in one shot.

    The post is getting pretty long. I highly recommend an older Allstar named CODY that has posts stickied on the forums who I highly respect and has terrific articles. Look into them.

    -Kyle.

  7. #7
    Hellboy855 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: How to win back an Ex..Need advice asap

    Ok updates

    Since nc my ex text me last week how are you...i replied kept it polite and brief, she tried to draw more info but i kept it vague and ended just about to head out here with friends etc (true), wished her a goodnight, she got angry said so you don't want to talk to me, I replied just getting on with things...etc she seemed pissed and replied ok fine etc..i went back to nc went out enjoyed myself kept busy..she rang me few days later late at night.. i let answered 2nd time had a brief talk, didn't mention the past, any new guy she flirting with just kept it fun and friendly and asked about her and then made pleasantries and wished her well..she then txt me after saying that its felt awkward that we both were afraid to give anything away.. i just pretended i didn't notice and remarked she seemed a bit nervous, she said it was awkward ( it wasnt really that bad) i just remarked that it natural now were doing different things and that i didnt read into it to much..she then came at me about how id said she changes her opinion so fast now im doing the same etc and got angry.. i just deflected the subject and asked about someone else she knew..she got mad replied i suppose your after her now to.. i didnt reply went nc again..

    during phone call i mentioned id prob be out that weekend to certain place but in end i went out elsewhere, shed told me she hates this place and wasnt going out..yet that night she post pics of herself there..although she could have been going to meet new guy or something not sure..

    A few nights ago i was at party with mutual friend and this friend posted pics of the event...all friendly etc not deliberate or anything.. but the mutual friend then said she msged her somewhat randomly not mentioning me or anything specific but somewhat strange given the timing, i just passed it off nonchalantly as nothing and proceeded have a good time, eventually closing one of the mutual friends friends..which may or may not get back to her..

    I started a new course,back on social media to socialize now (dont have ex on it but might find out im back on it), im in best shape ever been recently joined a second gym which is filled with women, actually ran into one of my ex's friends there that i used to hate, i made a point of being friendly, smiling and casually teasing her about her workout).

    Im still NC at the moment...any thought on recent updates would be great..
    Thanks guys

  8. #8
    Hellboy855 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Cool Re: How to win back an Ex..Need advice asap

    Hi guys, anyone out there?

    still no contact last ten days bar a generic snap chat here or there..I'm doing a lot of work on myself and just letting nc run for the moment..can anyone give me advice on how to proceed if she txts me a hey how or you or if she breaks nc..might never happen lol but helps to be prepared..consult previous post for bit more detail on recent goings on..
    Thanks

  9. #9
    Hellboy855 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: How to win back an Ex..Need advice asap

    update...

    Continued with NC going into third week when my ex msged me saying

    ''maybe we should delete each other completely as we clearly were not going to be friends etc only really have Whatsapp and Snapchat (NC on both..)..
    i replied that I thought things were cool but it was her call.she then accused me of not caring about her, that i never meant all things id said before etc and that she deserved to be treated better than this...''

    I saw this as a bit of a test so i replied that i owed her nothing...that i was moving on and dealing with things in a mature manner because that's how i want to carry myself and that I didn't appreciate this and that until i got an apology i was done talking..

    she apologized in a round about way and admitted she overreacted..i teased about that and said that i thought things were cool and we both knew were we stood..

    I then said i didn't want to talk about the past anymore because as far as i was concerned it was history now, the topic then changed to some lighter chit chat before i signed off saying I had some work to go take care off

    Also during the process she disqualified the guy that's in the picture, I didn't mention him nor did she but she felt the need to bring up she wasn't with anyone, not sure what to make of that

    Any thoughts?

    Id appreciate if anyone can get back to me feel like I'm talking to wall here


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