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  1. #1
    pepito is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default What happened and how should I react?

    Hey guys,

    So, I met this chick on OKCupid. I made a profile with a contrejour picture (basically a picture with the shadow of a person against the sun) and was fooling around with the website. Then we struck and conversation and she suggested to meet at some point. The funny thing was that she was overinvested: writing twice as much as me (asking about my day, wishing me a good night and stuff) and trying to qualify for my attention. Anyway, I sent her my real picture, she didn't comment on it but the date was still on. To be honest, I went along for the heck of it but was not expecting much.

    We initially agreed to meet on Saturday but she told me she was too busy, so we postponed it to Sunday. Then, I wrote her Sunday morning to check when we would meet and she told me she was working but we could still meet in the evening. At that point, I was expecting a flake and went on my business. Weirdly enough, she confirmed the date later in the day. She took the train (1 hour away from where I live) just to come see me for a couple of hours, and I really found that cool.

    Long story short, she was my type and I could definitely sense a sexual vibe in the air. She was irresistible, so after like 1 hour of chatting I gave her a kiss on the cheek. Some minutes later we were kissing on the lips and then french kissing. She didn't resist and was actually quite passionate about it. We then started cuddling, holding hands and kissing for the whole duration of the date until I took her back to the train station. We talked about where this was going and that we were looking for a bf/gf relationship and she then suggested to come see me again on Thursday. She did stress a couple of times during the date that we were complete strangers to each other and that both me and I would be too naive to trust each other so quickly.

    The train she was supposed to take was cancelled and we waited for the next one. Then, that one was cancelled as well and I wanted to stay with her until she found a solution. She kinda became weird at that point: she told me she would figure out something and urged me to leave. I wasn't really comfortable leaving her stranded like that but I could she was becoming very pushy and impatient, so I left (she did hint several times that she's the type of person that needs her alone time). She found some carpooling solution and informed me by sms and I wished her a safe trip back home.

    Next day, I wake and I see a sms of hers from 1 am telling me she ended up in another city and she will be staying at her sister's... I sent her a text asking if she was ok and she responded a few mins later saying she was hitchhiking her way to her city. I told her to be careful and wished her a nice day. Then, I sent another text around 6 pm asking her about her day.
    Well, she never replied to that one...

    It's funny in some way because she was always promptly responding to my messages and she did report to me her whereabouts until this morning.

    ---------------

    So, I am trying to understand what happened here:

    A) Could she be pissed at me for some reason (ie: I didn't check for her well-being after the hitchhiking or whatever)?
    B) Another possibility is that she's having buyer's remorse. I usually don't kiss on first dates but somehow I connected faster with her. Maybe it went too fast for her and she got suspicious... Is there any way to recover from that or have I lost her?
    C) If she simply had a change of heart, how should I handle this?
    Should I give her some space? Should I freeze her out completely? To be honest, I don't even know whether she arrived safely at home. Maybe I should send a last text to check on her and tell her goodbye or whatever, but I don't know how to phrase it...
    D) In case she writes that we should not meet again (or something like that), what's the best way to respond?


    There are also some things I could have handled better:

    - I have been in a dry spell for some years now. I really like kissing, cuddling and holding hands and I felt very repressed after all those years. I have the impression I came a bit too strong on her, even though she didn't show anything and went along just fine. She was actually way more passionate when kissing than I was. The potential problem is that she didn't see me as a challenge anymore.
    - She tried to enquire about my past but I didn't feel like telling her much (I didn't ask about hers at all). She was wondering how a guy like myself ended looking for relationships on a dating site. I just went with "I have dated several women but nothing concrete came out of it because we were incompatible". Is that a good response?
    -What would have been the most alpha thing to do at the train station? I really didn't feel like obeying her and wanted to stay along until she found a way back home. However, she was so pushy that it started getting weird, so I didn't insist any further

    Anyway, life goes on. On the positive side, I thought I would screw up the french kiss after so many years of not doing it, but I didn't I also got out all this frustration out of my system. Hopefully, I won't behave like that with the next chick I meet. I also have another HB in the cooking, so not all is lost.

    Thanks for any advice, mates!

  2. #2
    lenric's Avatar
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    Default Re: What happened and how should I react?

    I don't talk about serious relationship stuff on the first date (nor the second, etc), even if we had sex. And I wouldn't have sent her the message about how good was her day, but apart from it you did good.

    Maybe she felt buyer's remorse, or maybe she's kinda weird. Or, as I think, she came out of a relationship and she's still likes her ex and was trying to forget him with you, since you two connected fast.You two kissed and she felt kind of buyer's remorse.

    Anyway I would let things go. If she tells you something then you answer accordingly, otherwise forget about it. Or, if you really want, text her something funny and flirty a couple of days from now.

  3. #3
    pepito is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: What happened and how should I react?

    Mmm, interesting theory about her wanting to forget an ex (she claimed she was single for some time now but who knows)...

    We did talk about relationships in the sense we wanted to make sure that we were looking for the same thing. It was way too soon to say whether we were compatible but we agreed we should be seeing each other again. I wanted to reassure her and clarify things in order to add some comfort (and show her I was not looking for a ONS).

    You also say I shouldn't have sent her a text. It went as follows:
    "hey there, how's your day? Hope you were not kidnapped by some stranger on the road I somehow survived the German test (yay!) and now finishing some stuff before going back home "

    Please do say if there's something wrong with what I wrote, so that I may not repeat the same mistake again. The thing about the German test is a recurring joke between us.

    To me, it seems like a totally normal message. Isn't that what couples do? I used to communicate like that with my ex and I have seen many other couples around me do the same, even in the first stages of the relationship. Sure, we are not a couple yet, but if we don't text at least once daily, how I am supposed to create complicity (especially given the distance)? I would then run the risk of becoming stranger to her...

    Well, it's her loss if she doesn't want me, but I still find it strange she went totally silent. It's the first time I experience buyer's remorse. How ironic that I went from one extreme (friend-zone) to the other... lol

    Ok then, funny and flirty message it is! She suggested to come visit me on Thursday so I will write on that day
    How about something like this?

    "Hey xxx, it's Thursday already, which means beer time! Hope I won't fall victim to another temptress... Seems like I run into a lot of those lately, but I wouldn't mind being tempted by a familiar face for a change "


    (note: it's a tradition in my city to meet for after-work drinks on Thursdays and we usually have beers - since she comes from another city, she didn't know about it and was quite surprised and interested at the same time. The part about the temptress is a joke I came up with during the date and I called her that. She seemed to like it)

    This is just a draft but it looks like indirect begging. I should work on it... Any suggestions?

  4. #4
    lenric's Avatar
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    Default Re: What happened and how should I react?

    That's right mate, you aren't a couple, so why act like one? Don't text daily nobody that's not in a relationship with you. It's not cool, it projects a need/clingy vibe. Moreover, you gotta leave room for her to miss you.

    "Hey xxx, it's Thursday already, which means beer time! Hope you can resist the urge of getting me drunk so you can do whatever you wanna do with me! I'm not that easy! "

    This way you're more flirty and making her the aggressor. Or something like this.
    However, I wouldn't put too much effort on this if I were you man. Best of luck!

  5. #5
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    Default Re: What happened and how should I react?

    Its OK to text daily... Just don't smother her.
    And keep it as playful as possible... Especially early on. Flirting over text can be a huge benefit.


    Need one on one private coaching? PM me for details.

  6. #6
    pepito is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: What happened and how should I react?

    Ok, she finally replied this evening (so, 24h after I sent her my last text)

    "Hurray for the German test! Busy at work here..."


    Ok, it's a bit cold... No smilies, no goodnight wishing, nothing...
    I sense she is having some doubts and inner struggles (she might be scared but she also liked the time we had together)
    I know for sure she was not working yesterday, so she had no excuse not to reply.

    I was at the theater this evening and it's too late to reply now (she knew about that since I told her during the date). I think it's worth the shot of writing her tomorrow and see where this leads me. I have nothing to lose at this point.

    The message lenric suggested is perfect but I keep it for Thursday. For now, I need to make her want me see her again. How can I achieve that?

    Some cues:

    - I have understood that she is quite impulsive as a person (well, look at how she traveled all the way to another city to meet a stranger and made out on the first date). She even actually suggested that I join her when she will be traveling to Malaysia early next year. We joked about it and I said I would think about it (I am actually thinking about it if we manage to get to know each other better in the meantime). She even brought a travel book with her at the date in order to convince me.
    - She mentioned the boardgame Carcassonne somewhere on her profile and I asked her about it since I am big fan of it. She initially said she hadn't played in a long time. Then, 2 days later, she claimed she had played with her sister and lost 4 times and that she needed a coach (implying me of course). I suspect she dug out her game just so that she would impress me. This became a recurring joke between us.


    So, I could write something like the following:

    "Hey there, was at the theater until late yesterday. The play was interesting and funny and the actors did a really good job I was thinking about your suggestion concerning the trip to Malaysia. You almost had me there but I would need some stronger arguments than kissing "

  7. #7
    pepito is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: What happened and how should I react?

    Update: The idea I posted above was horrible, so I sent her a variation of the text lenric suggested but she never replied...

    Oh well, f*** it, I guess I have to move on...

    At least I learned a few things:

    - Kiss-closing is not that hard in the end. I wonder why I felt so much stressed about it on previous dates. I also used the trick of having a mental image of myself farking her. Worked like a charm

    - I was kissing her wayyyyy too much after a while (what can I do? I hadn't kissed a girl in ages!) which, while nice, could have showed neediness. I will have to tone it down next time

    - I should make more use of push/pull and cocky/funny to build attraction. The way I behaved the other day was ok, but I could have teased her more to make her want to chase me

    - I now have a better idea of how playful/flirty my sms should be

    - I will be taking all my future dates to that cosy bar with the comfy couches. All my previous dates were with a table between me and the girl, and this has never worked for me because of the distance. The couch is super useful in bringing our bodies closer and make it easier for me to kiss close (I have first-hand experience of that now)



    Thanks for the help guys. I am a bit sad it didn't work out, but this relationship wouldn't have been without problems. Maybe I am better off without that girl...

  8. #8
    artandale's Avatar
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    Default Re: What happened and how should I react?

    You did fine i think. No real risks. If you want hit her up in a couple of days again via text and see about meeting up again. Or just move on. Neither you nor her did anything wrong. If anything life is full of things that need tending to--cant fault her or yourself for prior responsibilties. Lenric and tmal have solid ideas to proceed in either fashion. Figure out what you wanr but never give up
    Every moment counts, get out of your head and enjoy it.

  9. #9
    lenric's Avatar
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    Default Re: What happened and how should I react?

    You did good mate. But sometimes we fail. And it's ok to fail, because that means we tried. And it's 10000 times better to fail than to never try.

    Try, try, try, try. You'll become better and better and you'll achieve success. You only need to keep up with that vibe. You got it mate, best of luck!

  10. #10
    pepito is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: What happened and how should I react?

    Thx mates, you are both right! I guess I will keep trying for a few days but I will keep gaming other girls in the meantime (already working on it)

    She finally replied at 5:57 am (!):

    "[my name]! Tired, a lot of work and a little ill here. So no getting drunk for me here Have fun this evening "

    I really don't get this girl, she behaves so erratically and I am getting tired of this. She could indeed be sick but she could also be playing games. I feel really tempted to suggest that I come visit her instead this afternoon just to see how she responds...
    If she is not serious about this, then I will be more than glad to let her go


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