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  1. #1
    Valesti's Avatar
    Valesti is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Flirty Girl Putting the Brakes on Escalation After Closing Her?

    I'll try to contextualize the situation in a very succinct manner.

    The Lead-Up
    This girl very recently had a boyfriend (who goes to my school). She was being extremely flirtatious with me, both in person and over text, even sending risque photos of herself.
    At that point, I tell her that we both obviously want this to happen, but I'm not willing to do what she wants me to (implied: help her cheat on her BF. Just didn't sit right with me.)
    She agrees, and breaks up with her BF the following day.

    To be even more clear, she didn't really break up with her BF to be with me - she just wanted to be untethered to one guy and have a lot of fun with multiple people. Totally the person I'm down for.

    The Success and Simultaneous Failure
    The same night she breaks up with her BF, I close and get with her. Hooray.
    I thought this was going to be a momentous occasion, but something odd happens: after a few seconds, she pulls away, and says "I think I just need more time."

    We keep seeing each other a few times a week. I get to the close, we start kissing, yet she consistently pulls away after a few seconds every time. It's been about 2 weeks since they've broken up.
    I asked her if it was because she thought I was kissing weirdly or something (rhythms don't also match up), but she said that that wasn't the case - she thought we had a great rhythm and I was one of the better kissers she's had.

    I totally understand that everyone needs time after their break up. What I don't understand, though, is that she has definitely told me that she has been getting with other people (2nd base or beyond).

    Where to Go Next?
    Thus, I'm wondering, if the kissing isn't bad - and she doesn't "need time" when it relates to other people, as she's going a lot farther with them - what needs to change?

    1. Is it because she really does need time? To be fair, her BF did in fact go to my school - is that getting in the way?

    2. Is it because she doesn't really want to get with me, and is kind of just BSing me? If so, do I distance myself and let her figure out whether or not she even wants to get with me?

    3. Do I call her out? As in, tell her that it makes zero sense that she doesn't "need time" for other people, but "needs time" for me?

    In all, the situation just seems really odd. Like, she incited the entire romantic relationship, and now that it has reached the point where she wanted it to go, she's putting the brakes on it.

    Any insights are very helpful. Thanks guys.

  2. #2
    The Red Baron's Avatar
    The Red Baron is offline PUA All Star
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    Default Re: Flirty Girl Putting the Brakes on Escalation After Closing Her?

    If she is for sure going further with others, then my instinct is telling me that she feels like going further with you will suddenly be serious, and she's not ready for that seriousness.

    There are two ways to approach this, kind of different paths;

    Typically you should be trying more of the 2 steps forward one step back. Let things heat up, but let you be the one to break away with the - we can't - or, I promised I'd be good tonight, etc. The idea is to frame her as the pursuer and break a little of the LMR.

    Now, in this situation however, what you need to do is subtly convey that fooling around doesn't mean you're suddenly in a relationship.

    I'm kind of thinking as I type here for how to do this:

    Okay, so you're kissing, tension is building, and you say something like: "Hey, so I want to play but I just want to be sure that this isn't a big thing, because I'm not really sure what I want right now"

    Here, you are bringing up her objections and asking if you can just keep it casual, which I'm 90% sure is what she wants to be sure of she just doesn't know how to approach it. This also pre-empts her defenses, you need to do this before you hit that wall.

    You don't want to start trying to convince her after she's put up her wall again, because you have much higher obstacles to overcome because she would have reverted to her normal defensive mindset with her typical objections and thoughts. You need this addressed before you get there.

    I hope this puts you on the right track, let me know if I can be of more assistance
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