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Thread: Keep Failing 1st dates...advice please

  1. #1
    fredyyy is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Keep Failing 1st dates...advice please

    So I message a girl online, get her number, meet with her on a first date (hold hand flirt, laugh with her) then I either don’t hear from her again, or she will try to friendzone me.

    This is been my story for the past 6 dates. I understand it’s part of the learning process and I’m not taking it personal, but I’m definitely doing something wrong. I feel I need to re-structure my dating style, and that’s why I need an advice.

    1) what do you guys do exactly on a first date (the more details the better)? physically (kissing, touching, or holding hands), maybe I’m not being smooth enough
    2) where do you guys go (movie?, a bar?)
    3) Some girls I date, I prefer to have them as a “cuddle” buddy rather than being in a relationship with. So how do you guys open the topic and say what are you intentions (or maybe I shouldn’t talk about that at all).
    4) What do you guys talk about? I usually let her do most of the talk because I know how they like talking about themselves
    5) I know I definitely need to flirt/be cocky funny/qualify…but I don’t know how to do it write I think. Any examples will be appreciated.
    6) do you escalate physically..kiss? or maybe invite yourself over? (I don't live by myself) if so, how...

    sorry for asking many questions, but they are important
    Thanks for reading

  2. #2
    DirectIsBest's Avatar
    DirectIsBest is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Keep Failing 1st dates...advice please

    Whoa! I don't have enough time to give you a detailed response but I'll do what I can.

    1. Hold hands, kiss, very strong eye-contact. You should be going for the kiss on a first date every time. It's nerve racking but it's a good rule to go by. If she denies you it doesn't matter. Laugh it off and try again later, or next time. Remember: If she's hanging out with you she likes you.

    2. My go to date is ice cream. I can go, get two scoops in a dish and we can share it for 5 bucks. If I'm not vibeing with the girl it's over in 20 minutes. If things are going good you can stretch it out to 45 minutes. When I walk out the door I kiss her. Bar's are fine. Walk in the park is a good one too (and free).

    3. You don't need to visit this topic until you've slept with her for the first time. DO NOT bring it up on the first date or you will not see her again.

    4. Letting them do the talking is good, just make sure you interject here and there and give her serious eye contact. Repeat her a little to show you're listening, nod, etc. Make sure you are leading the conversation most of the time, but letting her do most of the talking is good. I usually do this, unless the girl is a shy one then I do most of the talking. The best things to talk about are things that are going on around you.

    5. Sorry man I don't have time for this one. If you go to my profile I wrote a thread on cocky/funny that you can look up. I wouldn't recommend it for newbies though

    6. Definitely go for the kiss. Kino during the date and when you think it's a good time kiss her. Pull the trigger or you will second guess yourself and tension will build. It's the worst when you wait until you're saying goddbye to her at her car. I've done that many times and it's gut-wrenching. If you cant kiss her inside the place you're at, as soon as you walk outside, grab her hand then kiss her. This prevents you standing at her car with immense pressure building, getting all sweaty, then going for it because you HAVE to. By pulling the trigger earlier you avoid this.

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    fredyyy (02-19-2015)

  4. #3
    fredyyy is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Keep Failing 1st dates...advice please

    That was a really good response! thank you...I checked your profile it's full of topics, and I couldn't find your thread about cocky funny :/

    also, can you please tell me more about question number (3). The problem girls always ask me, so "what are you looking for" so it's very hard for me to avoid that question...

  5. #4
    WillEdward's Avatar
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    Default Re: Keep Failing 1st dates...advice please

    Direct's response is good. You definitely want to be escalating on the first date and attempt to go for the kiss when you feel it's right. You might fuck up a few times, but it's better to test out your intuition than never try and wonder what could have happened. You will be more calibrated the more you try to escalate. I usually go to a bar for drinks near my place or hers to set the mood right so I can easily go for the pull. What do you mean by "cuddle" buddy ?
    Elevate Your Game | Check out my blog for lay reports, attraction and dancefloor game tips !

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  6. #5
    fredyyy is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Keep Failing 1st dates...advice please

    Thank you WillEdward. This definitely helpful. I'm as you said at the point where I'm messing up with the kiss (it doesn't come naturally when I do it). Also, the last two dates I was more like the nice guy, so I feel cocky funny is the way to go...is there anything else I'm missing and I should do?

    My last question is do you do you show interest in her later for by sending her a text message or something like: "it was nice to meet you let's hangout again"

    Direct: you also mentioned that you finish the date on your term within 45min if it's going well...do you end it yourself just to confuse her? Lol

  7. #6
    DirectIsBest's Avatar
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    Default Re: Keep Failing 1st dates...advice please

    Don't be the nice guy but don't be the asshole either. I really don't recommend cocky/funny unless it's part of your personality but you can read this and figure that out for yourself. http://www.puaforums.com/how-approac...ing-right.html

    One easy way (and harmless way) to add some cocky funny is to pretend to wave at people that aren't there. People ALWAYS look when you wave to see who you're waving at. I think this is hilarious so I do this to women all the time, even when there's a wall behind them they always look. All you do is look away from her in some direction then pretend to wave at someone. When she turns around she doesn't see anyone or she sees a wall. I then get a sh!t eaten grin on my face because I think it's funny and she will laugh/punch you in the arm. Practice it on some friends before you use it. You need to seem natural or she won't look.

    I like to keep my dates short, even if they are going well. Around 45 minutes will allow good conversation but won't be too long so things don't get stale. This time frame doesn't need to be exact but it's good to leave her wanting more so a date 2 is inevitable. When I actually go on a date with a girl I'm not really looking to hook up with her. I view her as more the relationship type so I'll keep the first date short. If I just want a hookup I'll take a girl home from the bar.

  8. #7
    Thrill is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: Keep Failing 1st dates...advice please

    freddyyy, just by calling it a "first date," i think that you're doing it all wrong. i've NEVER taken a girl who i've met out on a date. i only do that for my girlfriends. Tips:

    1. if you meet these girls online, then you see their profiles, so check their interests, music, etc. if you have something in common, do that together. i'm a big clubber, so that's where i typically meet and take girls. i dont buy them drinks or bottles or admission, and if i'm feeling generous, i might buy her a drink, but i'll make it a task for her, like "come, lets' grab a drink. but you have to get the bartender's attention to order them." that way, it's not like you're trying to win her over with money like every other AFC.
    2. don't make it a "date." make it like you're going to do it anyway, and you're inviting her to join you. i.e., after going back and forth a bit, you can say something like "i'm going with my friends to see [performer] at [place] this weekend. come join!" of course, you'll have to invite your friends, or tell her last minute that your friend got sick but that you're still going. i'm a huge fan of bringing a new girl out with your friends because it keeps it casual and it makes her feel like she has to win you and your friends over. you want her to try to win you, not vice-versa.
    3. as for fuck buddies, you don't explicitly establish that. it's implied through your actions. you invite her out at night and you try to get intimate. you dont' text her all hours of the day. you don't make day plans unless you plan to take her back home. avoid relationship-y statements and actions.
    4. great to let them do most of the talking. conversation should flow naturally. and if you're stuck, ask her something that will make her think and have positive emotions, like "if you could be anywhere in the world right now, where would you be?" maybe it's something you can relate to. but you're meeting these chicks online, so you should know enough about them to have plenty of conversation topics.
    5. i am huge on cocky funny and love getting the girl to qualify. just make sure you say it with a smile and with a joking tone. some can come off harsher than others, so you have to feel her out. Examples: "i love your nails. my mom gets that color." "That's a great dress. I've seen a few people wearing it just this week." "Oh, you like [blank]? I thought you had good taste. I don't think this is gonna work out between us...." --> love that one
    6. as far as kino (touching), you gotta go with your gut. don't force anything. of course you have to escalate; you can't start off grabbing her tits. you start by putting your hand on her knee or shoulder as you turn to her to tell her something. look into her eyes when you talk to her; it creates a closer bond and will make her more receptive to kino.

    hope that helps

  9. #8
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    Default Re: Keep Failing 1st dates...advice please

    I think direct did a great job explaining how a good first date should go.

    and of course I have something to add, that most people wouldn't see.

    So I message a girl online,
    right here could be the core of your problem. when you meet a girl from online, she's going to be constantly comparing you to what your online profile was like. now this is only a bad thing if your profile sells you better than you can in person. ideally your profile would leave out some details that she can find out in person to make you seem better than your online profile.

    also if your appearance in photos is significantly better than your appearance in real life, you may have a girl second guess her choice to date you just based on your appearance.

    this is why I prefer to meet women in person.

    oh and btw

    just the fact that you are consistently meeting girls from online means you are doing something right. getting girls to meet you in person is the hardest aspect of it.

  10. #9
    SHAD0WBLADE95 is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: Keep Failing 1st dates...advice please

    I agree with pretty much everything that's been said. I'm not as great at the later stuff but I'd say I'm pretty good with building attraction and a good relationship with the girl at the same time. Honestly, for the date, find something/where that you are comfortable with so you don't feel the pressure from that, like for instance, I rock climb so I like to take girls to the climbing gym at my college because I get to show off a bit and feel at home and confident there.

    I find it helps a lot with some well placed harmless touching like maybe the forearm, hand, or even waste, but definitely don't force it. Be honest about things you like/do because girls often pick up on it when you aren't, and that again, takes some more pressure off you so you can act naturally. That is why I agree with what was said about looking at her profile and seeing what common interests you two have, because that builds comfort with her when you can make a connection which in my opinion is crucial at the start.

    The kissing part however, I'm not going to try to help you because I often have a similar problem there where I wait too long and then over think it and it doesn't happen.

    But yes, if you got them to go from online to in person than you are doing something right, remember that.

    Hope this helps you out.

  11. #10
    fancy16 is offline PUA in Training Achievements:
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    Default Re: Keep Failing 1st dates...advice please

    You should definitely follow most of the things direct suggested. I am a girl and I would definitely like such a date.


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