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Thread: How do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend?

  1. #1
    acuriousman is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default How do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend?

    I've never had one before (And most likely never will), but I'm very curious as to HOW one has one.


    I've been reading up on the concept for years and it sounds incredibly overwhelming. All the studies/research papers I've read show them as tremendously exhausting.


    #1. How do you determine the proper contact frequency? Does contact have to be made every 12, 16, or 24 hours?


    #2. Who initiates the contact first and how is this decided?


    #3. How long should each date/outing last? What is the accepted standard?


    #4. I know that calling is no longer appropriate for relationships where both parties are under 30, but does the same protocol apply to other forms of communication? (Email, Snapchats, and voice messages)


    #5. When asking somebody to be your girlfriend/boyfriend for the first time, what phrase works best and ensures the highest success?


    #6. And most importantly, how do you maintain power in said relationship? Every study I've read says the person who lacks power is always the weaker member, how do you prevent this?


    Thank you for reading!

  2. #2
    AbandonAllHope is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: How do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend?

    First of all, don't force the relationship and don't be so pessimistic about not having one.

    1. It really depends on the person you're in relationship with, some might want to hear from you more often and vice versa. As long as you don't swarm her with messages, you're doing fine. All of my girlfriends were responding to messages in a 2 hour gap max and that's because they wanted to.

    2. What do you mean by contact? By messaging or initiate the "relationship question"?

    3. There are loads of threads about that so be sure to check 'em out. As a rule of thumb, go as long as both of you are having fun. If you are not feeling any strong vibe approx 1 hour should do it.

    4. Absolutely, do as you feel like. It's a matter of your choice and approach. Most of the time I text, that's just what I prefer.

    5. Be sure to test her a bit, to see what's she up to. But I'm pretty sure she'll give you a hint if she's ready for a relationship or not. That's why I like to spontaneously test her so I can have a clear picture. I wouldn't say that there are more or less effective phrases / questions but there's one that I like to use and it never failed. After couple of dates, when we are alone and in an intimate moment (usually after the kiss or anything like that) I ask her: "Does this mean that we're in a relationship?". She freezes 90% of the times and I mock her for a bit, then we get serious. If you're doing cocky / funny you can just directly hit her with something like: "Ok, you're mine now. How about *random date*? So I can plan the wedding, and btw the bills are on you." Stuff like that should give you a lot of insight about her expectations.

    6. Go out, have fun, talk to girls, grab her's attention etc. Do not postpone yourself, your needs and stuff that MADE you and still make you happy! But most of all remember that she's not the only one out there! Do not invest in a relationship unless she's not investing. Kind of like when you're training the puppy, when he does something right you give him a treat and pet him.

    That's pretty much how I'd sum it, feel free to ask questions and let the game be with you!

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  4. #3
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    Default Re: How do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend?

    I've had a few girlfriends before, so I can answer these questions.

    #1.

    If you're referring to human contact, it doesn't have to be every day. However, if this isn't a long distance relationship, it shouldn't be once a week either. Really hanging out once every 2 or 3 days is very good. If we're talking about texting, you don't wait that long to text. You should always be trying to text her regularly, every day, with message response rates ranging from 20 minutes to two hours.

    #2.

    Just like in PUA, it should alternate. It should never be only one person doing it all the time. Try to keep things 50/50.

    #3.

    The minimum is an hour. A date should not be less than that, because it should be a special time of bonding.

    #4

    Calling is still VERY appropriate for relationships, no matter what the distance between you two is, and it very much applies to all forms of communication.

    #5

    Honesty. Honesty always works best. Just tell her how you feel and that you want to be her boyfriend.

    #6

    In relationships, power is meant to be shared between you two. No one of you should ever hold all the power in a relationship. That's when you end up with a very unhealthy relationship. Power is simply maintained by saying yes, saying no, and compromising in moderation.
    "There is no better than adversity. Every defeat, every heartbreak, every loss, contains its own seed, its own lesson on how to improve your performance the next time." - Malcolm X

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  6. #4
    Mystik is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: How do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend?

    So no one under 30 calls each other anymore? That's news to me. IF that's true then that's pretty scary. However, on the other hand it could make game very easy if all you had to do was text a few times then she shows up at your place.

  7. #5
    fancy16 is offline PUA in Training Achievements:
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    Default Re: How do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend?

    I must say that AbandonAllHopes did a great job here. An excellent presentation .

  8. #6
    Wolf24's Avatar
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    Default Re: How do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend?

    Quote Originally Posted by Mystik View Post
    So no one under 30 calls each other anymore? That's news to me. IF that's true then that's pretty scary. However, on the other hand it could make game very easy if all you had to do was text a few times then she shows up at your place.
    I'm 21 and my gf and I still call each other, it's just better to hear each other's voice rather than just looking at the screen sometimes.
    It's not about who I was or who I'm going to become.

    It's about who I am. Do it right here, right now.

  9. #7
    acuriousman is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: How do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend?

    Quote Originally Posted by AbandonAllHope View Post
    First of all, don't force the relationship and don't be so pessimistic about not having one.

    1. It really depends on the person you're in relationship with, some might want to hear from you more often and vice versa. As long as you don't swarm her with messages, you're doing fine. All of my girlfriends were responding to messages in a 2 hour gap max and that's because they wanted to.

    2. What do you mean by contact? By messaging or initiate the "relationship question"?

    3. There are loads of threads about that so be sure to check 'em out. As a rule of thumb, go as long as both of you are having fun. If you are not feeling any strong vibe approx 1 hour should do it.

    4. Absolutely, do as you feel like. It's a matter of your choice and approach. Most of the time I text, that's just what I prefer.

    5. Be sure to test her a bit, to see what's she up to. But I'm pretty sure she'll give you a hint if she's ready for a relationship or not. That's why I like to spontaneously test her so I can have a clear picture. I wouldn't say that there are more or less effective phrases / questions but there's one that I like to use and it never failed. After couple of dates, when we are alone and in an intimate moment (usually after the kiss or anything like that) I ask her: "Does this mean that we're in a relationship?". She freezes 90% of the times and I mock her for a bit, then we get serious. If you're doing cocky / funny you can just directly hit her with something like: "Ok, you're mine now. How about *random date*? So I can plan the wedding, and btw the bills are on you." Stuff like that should give you a lot of insight about her expectations.

    6. Go out, have fun, talk to girls, grab her's attention etc. Do not postpone yourself, your needs and stuff that MADE you and still make you happy! But most of all remember that she's not the only one out there! Do not invest in a relationship unless she's not investing. Kind of like when you're training the puppy, when he does something right you give him a treat and pet him.

    That's pretty much how I'd sum it, feel free to ask questions and let the game be with you!
    Thank for the information!

    By contact, I mean interactions like "what's up" or "how is your day going?". I read that a lot of people in relationships will do this with their partner but the frequency was never pinned down. I need to find the optimal middle ground and the optimal things to say once we reach that stage so I don't lose the relationship.

    Is it best to ask how many hours to contact her? Should I propose a schedule of sorts so I can show the reliability social proof?

    Quote Originally Posted by Swagman View Post
    I've had a few girlfriends before, so I can answer these questions.

    #1.

    If you're referring to human contact, it doesn't have to be every day. However, if this isn't a long distance relationship, it shouldn't be once a week either. Really hanging out once every 2 or 3 days is very good. If we're talking about texting, you don't wait that long to text. You should always be trying to text her regularly, every day, with message response rates ranging from 20 minutes to two hours.

    #2.

    Just like in PUA, it should alternate. It should never be only one person doing it all the time. Try to keep things 50/50.

    #3.

    The minimum is an hour. A date should not be less than that, because it should be a special time of bonding.

    #4

    Calling is still VERY appropriate for relationships, no matter what the distance between you two is, and it very much applies to all forms of communication.

    #5

    Honesty. Honesty always works best. Just tell her how you feel and that you want to be her boyfriend.

    #6

    In relationships, power is meant to be shared between you two. No one of you should ever hold all the power in a relationship. That's when you end up with a very unhealthy relationship. Power is simply maintained by saying yes, saying no, and compromising in moderation.
    Haha! A few? I'm pretty jealous! I hope I'll get to your level sometime in the next few years!

    When it comes to texting her, what specific subjects should I text about? Or do I wait for her to bring the subject up and go with it?

    Also, does playing distant work when it comes to texting in order to build more attraction?

    Thank you for your help!

    Quote Originally Posted by Mystik View Post
    So no one under 30 calls each other anymore? That's news to me. IF that's true then that's pretty scary. However, on the other hand it could make game very easy if all you had to do was text a few times then she shows up at your place.
    It basically said most women under 30 prefer text to phone conversations as they're less intrusive and allow them more time to gather their thoughts. In a good relationship, it's important to maintain space but still communicate. Text conversations deliver that in spades.

  10. #8
    Wolf24's Avatar
    Wolf24 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: How do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend?

    I'm not gonna add anymore about your questions because the guys above did a pretty fine job about that.

    What I'll add, I like your approach to this, which might come odd for most people. You're analytic, you give attention to detail and you even took the time to underline and thicken the word "how" to make people give attention to your question which justifies my argument. And I believe you're highly observant as well.

    You remind me of myself when I first started all this. We are kinda the perfectionists.

    You said you've never had a girlfriend but you also said you've read a lot about PUA, which suggests you have technical knowledge but no experience. Looks to me you're trying to suck up as much information as you can before you go onto the field because that's what a perfectionist would do.

    Don't get me wrong though, I'm perfectly fine with this, as I said I used to be the same. However, there's a downside.

    Simply put, reading becomes a bit boring. At first, getting all that new information is overwhelming, you're just amazed to realize how people put a lot of effort to a subject you always dreamed to know more about. But as time goes by reading, you start to resent the process and the game, because you read all those success stories, you talk to people who have had dozens of gfs and today's topic is how they picked up a 10 at the bar and you're thinking: "I probably know a lot more than him. Why can't I have the same?"

    The answer is: "Knowledge is useless if you don't put it into action." The game might have some science behind it but successful scientists didn't just read old papers about science, they actually tried something new to stand out. So I want you to do the same. Don't stop reading, never in fact, but try at least half of the stuff you've read about. You'll be amazed how quick "never had a gf" will turn into "have a gf".

    Fingering keyboard complete. Wolf out.
    It's not about who I was or who I'm going to become.

    It's about who I am. Do it right here, right now.

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  12. #9
    acuriousman is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: How do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend?

    Quote Originally Posted by Wolf24 View Post
    I'm not gonna add anymore about your questions because the guys above did a pretty fine job about that.

    What I'll add, I like your approach to this, which might come odd for most people. You're analytic, you give attention to detail and you even took the time to underline and thicken the word "how" to make people give attention to your question which justifies my argument. And I believe you're highly observant as well.

    You remind me of myself when I first started all this. We are kinda the perfectionists.

    You said you've never had a girlfriend but you also said you've read a lot about PUA, which suggests you have technical knowledge but no experience. Looks to me you're trying to suck up as much information as you can before you go onto the field because that's what a perfectionist would do.

    Don't get me wrong though, I'm perfectly fine with this, as I said I used to be the same. However, there's a downside.

    Simply put, reading becomes a bit boring. At first, getting all that new information is overwhelming, you're just amazed to realize how people put a lot of effort to a subject you always dreamed to know more about. But as time goes by reading, you start to resent the process and the game, because you read all those success stories, you talk to people who have had dozens of gfs and today's topic is how they picked up a 10 at the bar and you're thinking: "I probably know a lot more than him. Why can't I have the same?"

    The answer is: "Knowledge is useless if you don't put it into action." The game might have some science behind it but successful scientists didn't just read old papers about science, they actually tried something new to stand out. So I want you to do the same. Don't stop reading, never in fact, but try at least half of the stuff you've read about. You'll be amazed how quick "never had a gf" will turn into "have a gf".

    Fingering keyboard complete. Wolf out.
    Thank you very much for the advice. It means a lot.

    I know I have to take more action but I'm terrified of it. I see the way some women look at me like I'm lower than dirt before I even open my mouth. I want to get as much knowledge as possible so they smile when they see me instead of wincing.

    It's very hard and I suffer with it all the time. It isn't fun in the least.

    But yes, thank you again.

  13. #10
    Thrill is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: How do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend?

    Before answering your questions, I want to make some important points. I've had several girlfriends and several other relationships that were all but "official."
    - NEVER doubt yourself. You can achieve what you put your mind to. That's why you're here, right? To improve and achieve your goals.
    - NEVER settle. Relationships are big investments of time, money, and emotion. If she's not your dream girl, don't get in to an "official" relationship because they're hard to get out of, and you'll be missing out on all the opportunities to find the right one for you.
    - NEVER force a relationship. My most successful and happiest relationships were those when the interaction with the girl was seamless from the get-go, as opposing to working for her (obviously, you don't make it seem like you are working for her, but that's what we're all doing in pickup).

    To answer your questions:

    #1. The proper contact frequency changes over time and it cannot be reduced to a formula. Initially, you should not be too frequent because you don't want to seem needy or head-over-heels. You want her to think that you have your own life with things going on and that she's not the center of it. So, don't text her everyday, but don't let things go dry either. If she's responsive, then respond back to get a conversation going. When you exchange numbers, though, text her right then and there, like, "hi [pet name] ", even if you're still hanging out together. Or you can text her the next day, but don't wait too long because if she's hot, she's met other guys and might forget you. Then, establish a connection by finding things in common and set up a first date involving one of those commonalities, but never make it seem like a formal first date, for example, by asking her to join something that you're already doing. Gradually increase the text frequency over time. A couple rules of thumb: (a) NEVER send her more than two texts in a row; (b) NEVER respond right away (unless you're going back in forth in a fluid conversation), at least in the early stages so she doesn't think you're just sitting around on your phone waiting for her; and (c) if she takes a long time to respond to you, I recommend waiting AT LEAST half of that time to respond. If she's usually super slow without explaining why, wait as long to respond as she took to respond to you. You don't want seem needy.

    2. You initiate the first contact as soon as you get her number. I like to text the girl as soon as I get her number, even if we're still together after the number exchange. For example, you can call her a pet name that you've already given her or say something like, "Fun meeting you last night/yesterday. You're not so bad :-P ". It's great watching her smile/laugh as she reads it in front of you.

    3. The length of each date depends on what you're doing. There is no "standard" because if it goes really well, you should extend it, and if it's going dry, you should leave. If you're uncomfortable with first dates, set up something short, like coffee on your lunch break or happy hour after work. Say that you have to do something afterward, but that it'd be nice to get together for a bit. Establishing this time limit gives you an "out" if things aren't going as well as you'd like, and if things are going well, just keep the date going. If she asks about that thing that you had to do (although they pretty much always forget), say something like, "I never heard back from my friend, so whatever. There's other things that I can do" and smile at her, implying that she's the other thing that you can do.

    4. That is SO untrue that calling is inappropriate. I never call in the early stages, but there are defintely appropraite times to call after you'e established some comfort and attraction. For example, if you have a story that would be too long to text, or if it would be easier to discuss (i.e., making plans) than to constantly text back-and-forth. I wouldn't email unless you're sending a link and already on your computer because email is a less intimate form of communication. Skype is for long-distance relationships. Snapchats are great to highlight the fun that you're having or to showcase your humor, but NEVER do it in lieu of texting. My girls have told me that they hate it when a guy who they haven't spoken to in a while snaps them because it's a cop out. There are rare exceptions, but this is a solid general rule.

    5. First, don't ask a girl to be your girlfriend unless/until you have decided that you can't imagine another human who would make a better match for you. It's a high standard that's worth having because settling will lead to unhappiness. Second, you both should be talking regularly and daily, or very close to it, before making the relationship official. Third, I'm already having sex with her (sexual compatibility is huge!). If she meets your standards, you're both in frequent contact, and you're having sex, then you must have built enough rapport with her over enough time such that she would feel similarly about you. Therefore, the exact line that you say won't matter, as long as you say it confidently and sincerely. For my most recent girlfriend, we had a crazy strong connection right off the bat, so after dating for a couple of months, I had her over my place to make sushi and drink sake bombs (I had her bring the sake and beer), and toward the end of the dinner, I said jokingly in a child's voice, "[Pet name], would you be my girlfwiend?" She smiled, hopped on my lap, said yes, and started making out with me.

    6. You will hear various opinions on this. I am strongly of the belief that there should be NO sense of power in a relationship. You both should have enough love and respect for each other that you are both on an even level. There is no "power," only "give and take." If there is an imbalance of power, one of you will be unhappy and dissatisfied. She's your girlfriend, not your property. If she feels like you have all the power, she will look for someone else who gives her the respect that all people deserve. That sad, she should not have more power than you. You can prevent this by showing an interest in her desires and feelings without letting her trample over yours. Negotiate. Give and take. Find happy mediums so that you're both happy, or sacrifice something once in exchange for her sacrifice in the future. A good girlfriend will be happy to give up something she wants to make you happy, and vice versa. *Weakness is not lacking power. Weakness is being obsessed with power and fearful of losing it.* A truly strong man is confident enough in himself and has enough self-respect to not allow himself to be overpowered while not being so concerned about overpowering others.

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