Need a bit of advice on handling somebody who has an extremely strong frame,
Basically I have a cousin who is 3 years younger than me but we pretty much have the same circle of friends – for example he is the housemate of one of my closest friends who I go out with a lot.
We get on well, there isn’t any dislike between the two of us but the main problem is he is extremely good at putting me down and making me feel low value and I am struggling with how I can handle it.
I have to admire him in a lot of ways – he has an extremely strong frame, he literally does not give a shit what people think of him, he doesn’t really care whether is behaviour pisses people off and he pretty much moves through life the way he wants to. He never let’s things affect him and will jump on you as soon as he senses that you are reacting to something in an emotional way – he pretty much is unmoving and has no shame – he’d walk down the street naked and not give a crap about it.
He’s intelligent and very witty - pretty much as rock solid a frame that you will come across – he honestly does not give a crap.
He is well known around my hometown he has a lot of friends and is very well connected and he has this uncanny ability to be able to jump on almost anything you say and lower your value in front of people in an instant – it’s pretty much a very good frame to learn from and in a lot ways I am learning from it – but he keeps winning the frame game and it’s getting to the point that If I know he is going to be around my value lowers instantly cause I seem to have no way of taking his frame and turning it around.
A little example of this – during a conversation I was talking about a certain situation I was in and I said the line “I pretty much left about a quarter of my drink then got the hell out of there”.....at which point my cousin piped up “hold on a sec you told me you only drank half of your beer......stop trying to impress everyone”.......BOOM instantly lowered my value, won the frame and got a laugh from everyone at my expense.........I had no comeback other than just laugh with the group.
That’s pretty much how I deal with it – I just laugh and go along with it I try not to let it look like it’s affecting me but if he is around me and I am chatting to girls he is able to just lower my value instantly – I don’t think he does it to be an arsehole it’s just his nature and he is having a laugh and I am fine with that but it’s gotten to the point now where I instantly feel low value when I am around him and I pretty much start trying to be careful what I say so that he cannot pounce on me – I’ve even found myself starting to supplicate towards him – for example I’ve started to notice that I am the one who pretty much goes up to him to greet him, he will rarely come to me – just that makes me look low value towards him!
I am also a little cautious about what I say back as a response to him because he is family after all and I don’t want to be nasty or say something that will upset him – he’s never nasty but he is just able to flip things and make me look low value whether he is conscious of that I don’t know.
I get the feeling that he see’s me as a low value person that he doesn’t respect that much and that’s starting to make me sub-consciously act that way around him. He’s also bigger and more imposing physically than me and he will often refer to me as small and weak in an off handed sort of way, which actually makes me feel small and weak! – so not only does he have a rock solid frame – he’s physically much bigger and more popular than I am – which really doesn’t help. For example my family a little better off with money than his but he twists that around to make me look like I sub off of my parents money and says stuff like I am tight and all this kinda crap – again it’s not nasty but he wins the frame and lowers my value!
I don’t particularly want to sit down and talk to him about it because as I mentioned I don’t think he does it to be nasty – he’s family and we get on fine – but I think he just see’s me as a low value person and I am far from that!
I am looking for any tips on how I can start resisting his frame and ways I can act against his frame so that I can combat it and be equal if not higher value than his frame?