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  1. #1
    Somebody is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Do I have any chance with this girl I work with?

    This girl I work with asked for my number a little over a month ago only because I am good-looking and an older man. Because I'm an older man, though not much older (she's 18 and I'm 23), I think she had expectations that I would know what I'm doing, but I didn't because I have very little dating experience. We went out on 2 dates and, well, I wouldn't consider the 3rd a date because, after the 2nd, I think I switched off all attraction. She may have been giving me one last chance (I'm not trying to sound like a needy wuss, but in her mind, this is what I think she was thinking) to see if I would be different on the 3rd date.

    You see, I'm shy, but this didn't mean the conversation went terrible on our dates. I mean, yes, she led the conversation most of the time on each date, but there wasn't a whole lot of awkward silences. I asked her quite a bit of questions, maybe too much. Anyway, on the 2nd date we went to a drive-in and cuddled, but I didn't kiss her because I supposed I wasn't sure if she wanted it. If a girl is willing to cuddle with you, is it a sure sign she's willing to kiss you?

    After this date, I asked her out again but she made up excuses, so I backed off, not texting her at all until she texted me, and she did asking to go out for a drink after work. Here's where I really screwed up. I tried to tease her some, but since I don't have much practice doing that at all, I think I ended up insulting her. For example, I complimented her nails, she said they were done badly, and I responded "because you did them?" That would be an insult, not a flirty tease, correct? She also jokingly said how she did something dumb because she's blonde and I just smiled and agreed, trying to make it look like I'm not serious. Lastly, I ended up stroking her hair saying how soft it was and, immediately after this, she said she had to get going because she knew I wanted to kiss her. We were in her car at work (LOL terrible idea of mine). Before she left, she said she hopes she just doesn't annoy me at work and I responded "you just get in my way sometimes, but I don't mean that in a bad way. you can't help it." She smiled and said thanks then bye.

    So, after all of this, I'm pretty sure I shot myself in the foot or, even worse, took the attraction switch and broke it right off with no chance of switching it back on, if it ever was on in the first place. The awkward part about this is that we work together still and I'm shy at work in front of all my co-workers, so I don't really talk to her much. I don't know, I think I not only scared her away, but I think she thinks I'm a really mean person, and probably desperate too. What do you think? What should I do and is there any chance of attracting her after this? (I know I sound like a wuss, but I'm really just shy and working to overcome this. I really do want to talk to her more at work, but it's tough with co-workers around who I don't know well. I feel like I have to talk to them to get to her because we all work in close proximity in a restaurant, and we work in separate areas. I'm in the back and she's in the front)

  2. #2
    Alergy is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor Achievements:
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    Default Re: Do I have any chance with this girl I work with?

    hey, first of all - welcome to puaforums, smart of you to come here because there's a lot of intelligent people on this website with lots of experience who can guide you through this journey that you've decided to start.

    anyways, here's what I can say to you for now - you are indeed shy but I like to call it insecure (bare with me here) if a girl doesn't like you touching her face or her hair - there's is a pretty solid chance that she'll be resistant if you try to kiss her it could be cause of 2 reasons:
    reason #1 there isn't enough attraction built yet
    reason #2 you're kino escalating too fast
    even if the attraction is there you can get shot down when trying to kiss her if it's right out of the blue, you need to take small steps, not giant leaps, if a girl is cool with you touching her hands - great, try touching her leg, then try touching the lower part of her back, then pretend to wipe something off her face or smell her or brush her hair and see if she's cool with that, then she is most likely not going to reject you if you're going to try and kiss her. This shouldn't be a list that you to know on how to physically escalate in-order to get a kiss but keep in mind that you need kino escalations in your interactions, not just building attraction verbally.

    Another thing I've noticed that you are very unsure of yourself, a common mistake guys make in my opinion is overthinking everything, you are obviously too afraid to approach her at work because of your co-workers, but you need to realize that the fear will never go away until you take action, you can read all the PUA stuff you want and know all the best strategies the fear will still be there until you overcome it with action. You sound very unsure about approaching her at work - do it, just make up an excuse to go and say hi, like you need to borrow a pair of scissors or something, doesn't matter that much what you do, as long as you're taking action.

    I don't know if there is such a thing as shutting the attraction switch off or even worse - breaking it, there are just bad impressions, and until you do something really bad to the point where she hates you - I think you have a chance.

    You say that you're a good-looking guy, often times guys with appearance as yours tend to be very confident and have a lack of neediness because all there lifes they were told how awesome they are and they started to believe it to the point where to them it was unquestioned, I believe that that's the characteristics she thought you'd also possess but all she saw was a shy guy.

  3. #3
    Somebody is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: Do I have any chance with this girl I work with?

    Quote Originally Posted by Alergy View Post
    hey, first of all - welcome to puaforums, smart of you to come here because there's a lot of intelligent people on this website with lots of experience who can guide you through this journey that you've decided to start.

    anyways, here's what I can say to you for now - you are indeed shy but I like to call it insecure (bare with me here) if a girl doesn't like you touching her face or her hair - there's is a pretty solid chance that she'll be resistant if you try to kiss her it could be cause of 2 reasons:
    reason #1 there isn't enough attraction built yet
    reason #2 you're kino escalating too fast
    even if the attraction is there you can get shot down when trying to kiss her if it's right out of the blue, you need to take small steps, not giant leaps, if a girl is cool with you touching her hands - great, try touching her leg, then try touching the lower part of her back, then pretend to wipe something off her face or smell her or brush her hair and see if she's cool with that, then she is most likely not going to reject you if you're going to try and kiss her. This shouldn't be a list that you to know on how to physically escalate in-order to get a kiss but keep in mind that you need kino escalations in your interactions, not just building attraction verbally.

    Another thing I've noticed that you are very unsure of yourself, a common mistake guys make in my opinion is overthinking everything, you are obviously too afraid to approach her at work because of your co-workers, but you need to realize that the fear will never go away until you take action, you can read all the PUA stuff you want and know all the best strategies the fear will still be there until you overcome it with action. You sound very unsure about approaching her at work - do it, just make up an excuse to go and say hi, like you need to borrow a pair of scissors or something, doesn't matter that much what you do, as long as you're taking action.

    I don't know if there is such a thing as shutting the attraction switch off or even worse - breaking it, there are just bad impressions, and until you do something really bad to the point where she hates you - I think you have a chance.

    You say that you're a good-looking guy, often times guys with appearance as yours tend to be very confident and have a lack of neediness because all there lifes they were told how awesome they are and they started to believe it to the point where to them it was unquestioned, I believe that that's the characteristics she thought you'd also possess but all she saw was a shy guy.
    Thanks for the welcome, I hope to learn a lot here, but as you said, none of it matters until I take action. I think you pointed out exactly what I did wrong by trying to kiss her. I took a giant leap because there wasn't enough emotional attraction and I didn't kino escalate enough. In fact, I didn't touch her the whole time on the 3rd "date" until I stroked her hair lol. That was obviously way too much of a leap. It took her by surprise, scared her, and put her in an uncomfortable position.

    Anyway, I'm not sure if she hates me. She might because I've been so shy at work and because I think I insulted her a few times last time we went out. I decided not to send her a text apology because that will just likely annoy her.

    I'm good-looking and tall, but that hasn't really done much to help my confidence. I wasn't always because I used to have really bad acne in middle school (all gone now). Also, I've never just been told I'm awesome because I'm good looking. The shyness has held me back and I understand that good-looks don't mean much when it comes to attracting women. I'm living proof because I'm 23 and only had 1 girlfriend my whole life.

    I will definitely try to work up the courage to approach her at work in front of others, or maybe it would be best to wait until we're in the restaurant cooler together (occasionally we'll be in there at the same time when no one else is around). The biggest sticking point for me, as shy as I am now, is knowing what to say. I find myself not knowing what to say to her other than a boring "Hi, how's it going?" I want to be funner than that and, you're right, I have been a little insecure. I sometimes compare myself to other coworkers who talk to her and have more "fun" and even flirt with her. I start to think she's way more attracted to them and why can't I do that?

    I think this is what you would call inner-game that I need to work on, and I'm trying to. I picked up a few books the other day on overcoming shyness, anxiety, and worry. Also, I look myself in the mirror 5 minutes a day telling myself positive things like "I am creative", "I am confident", and "I am a good person."

    I sucks, because I think if things would work out with her, I would had a serious boost in confidence. Another failure really just puts me back in the rut, but I'll move forward. One things I read in my overcoming worry book is to live in the present and don't fret about past regrets or the future. We just have to let it go.

  4. #4
    Alergy is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor Achievements:
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    Default Re: Do I have any chance with this girl I work with?

    personally, I think Vin Di Carlo has the best material on inner game so if you haven't checked him out yet definitely give this guy a chance (for you right now I recommend "DSP" and "Conversation Cure")

    If you don't have anything widdy to say to her, just wait until all of you are in a restaurant and try to make a better impression, if you don't know if you should say something to her or not - don't hezitate and do it. I believe that the reason you keep insulting her is because you're trying to hide that shy side of yours by being a jerk.

    When you approach her at work just use something from the surroundings to make a widdy comment, or say something like
    -Jessica said you're in trouble and she want's to see you in her office
    -really??
    -kidding, I just wanted to come and say hi

    pretty good opener to my mind, try practising your story telling, focus about more on making her laugh (but I really recommend you don't tell stories which lower your social value, try using DHV spikes) and building attraction, kino escalate to the point where you think you're good to go in for a kiss, give her a palm reading with knowing 0 percent about what the hell you are doing just talking gibberish pointing out the lines on her hand and telling what it means just making it seem fun.

    Keep in mind that she won't be relaxed around you until you are.. so if you do any of these things you need to stop worrying about whether she likes you or not. VDC (Vin Di Carlo) actually talked very great about this topic that it's about where you focus your attention. If you focus it on trying to figure out if she likes you, what to say and what not then that really shows in your energy and you just seem very nervous therefore the girls gets nervous aswell. Besides her beauty, she hasn't contributed to your life in ANY way, don't get so easily impressed by a pretty face, focus your attention on getting to know her, that way you'll realize that you get 10x more relaxed and not wrapped up in your head. Stop thinking of her as a prize that you get for showing the best PU skills, she's a girl - you're getting to know her and that's it, if you like her - cool, try using some of your own techniques or some techniques on this website to build attraction if that's necessary. Being nervous around her just shows that you think you're lower value than she is, and the whole co-workers hitting on her thing, that shouldn't make you discouraged, use it to your advantage - walk up to her and say playfully "how's it feel being the centre of attention?"

    like I said, don't overthink everything, if you're at work and you feel the need to approach her, try figuring out if you can use some of the surroundings to go in and make a playful comment to start a conversation, if not then don't do it anyways, enough showing her your insecure side. Wait until you are all at the bar or restaurant with your co-workers and be the life of the party there, don't only interact with her, but also with others, if you feel that you're not the life of the party there - have some stories with DHV spikes to make it seem as if you're a high value male who lives a fun life or is pattionate about something - anything that you think is interesting (just try to keep away from sad stories).

    Best of luck to you


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