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Thread: making a decision about a possible breakup

  1. #1
    Val
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    Question decision about a possible breakup because of connection with exes

    Hey guys,


    4 years ago I met a girl. Two weeks after, she became my girlfriend and we started living together. I thought I hit the lottery because is is not only attractive, but also smart, motivated, creative, hardworking, good, tolerant, positive. We were making plans for babies, grandchildren and so on. Ever since – the achieving of this was my goal. Not that much PUA of me She is still a university student at the moment, about to graduate soon.


    Why am I here? A few months ago she mentioned that she can not imagine the not-yet-existing babies anymore. Two months ago, she moved out to live in a dormitory. That was after having almost a year or fighting over some of issues. Very repetitive ones.


    As of now, she is still my girlfriend and we meet a few times per week just as we should, but not living together. Having a GF with who you don't live has the advantage that you meet for the good times and leave much of the bad times outside.


    What's the problem?


    1. Facebook-related
    Soon after we got together, I wanted her to unfriend her ex in Facebook. After a few fights – she did. A few days ago, I saw that they are friends again and this pissed me off. I saw that they are friends again, not because I was looking, but because Facebook proposed that we become friends with her ex Weird. Which lead to a few fights and the discovery that she is not friends on Facebook with this very last previous boyfriend about who I knew (but never met personally), but friends with two other exes/fuckbuddies/whatever also! I didn't know they exist and I wrongly assumed that if we were talking about A guy, this implies all other guys, who have been in the same situation. Stupid assumption on my side I don't keep in touch with any of my exes in no way, shape or form.



    2. Two years ago during the vacation she travelled and mentioned that at one point she wanted to meet a friend, but they couldn't because of some reason. I totally forgot about that, because it didn't sound important at all. A few days ago during the fights I found out that this „friend“ was one of the exes. He was initially presented as a friend and I didn't mind at all. If they had met, she should have had to travel by bus a few hundred kilometers. And I'm like WTF? Who does that if they are just friends?



    3. They have to work with a guy on a project and then on another project and this goes on for over a year. They have chosen to work together. I think he wants her, but he doesn't admit it and she also says that they are just working together on university stuff. They work every day for 4-10 hours and besides that – sometimes go out to bars or events at the evenings. When I have to work with someone every day, all day – the very last thing I wanna do is to go anywhere with this person/people.


    4. I've met a guy multiple times in the last years. But just a few days ago I found out that he has been a fuckbuddy of my GF before I met her. Weird. How can I be her boyfriend and meet an ex and this was never mentioned?


    5. For the first two and a half years everything was as perfect as humanly possible. Some minor arguments sometimes, but overall – the best time of my life. And then I had an accident during which I almost died. She took care of me during the 7 months for recovery. This changed a lot and she became a different person. That's what says about me also. I'm fully fit now. I can walk, run, whatever. If I don't tell people that I've ever had such an accident, they will not know. The change was that she became very irritable and very minor things could make her yell and scream.



    So, from 1. to 4. - all trust related issues. She says it is fine, I'm with you. And at the same time does the things above. 5. Arguments over shit.



    At the moment I see two main choices:


    * to tell her, just go and be friends with whoever, and never see her again (unless it happens by accident thought common friends), block her on Facebook and on my phone, etc.


    * to try to „understand“ and accept the fact that she is „Facebook“ friends with a few exes. That they meet some times on events at the university with one. What I don't understand is how can you be just friends with someone who has fucked you?! For me it is not possible. The only logical reason that I see to keep in touch with an ex, is to have an easy way back. I am not just friends with any of my exes. When it has ended, it has ended and that's it.


    Also, she still tells me that she's never had anyone like me. Anyone who she has loved so much and with who she has lived. That I'm the person who has closest to her and that there has never been anyone that close.


    Feedback?


    Thanks
    Val

  2. #2
    lenric's Avatar
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    Default Re: making a decision about a possible breakup

    Your first mistake was living together.
    Your second mistake was fighting with her about that facebook thing. You shouldn't give a crap about it. She was fucking you, not the other guy. Fighting is always bad. You should remain calm the entire time. It is hard, but it's also rewarding.

    Anyway, regarding the other points, I would say the best option for you two is to break up. Your relationship is past the point where there are more discussions than sex (probably), or, at least, more matters to fight than sex, which means that a break up is needed.

  3. #3
    Val
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    Default Re: making a decision about a possible breakup

    lenric thank you for taking the time to read about my issues. I've never done that - to write about a problem which I have to people who I've never met. To summarize years of experience very briefly is not that easy, because I may be missing important points and overemphasizing on ones which are completely irrelevant.



    I assume that if we ask my friends about what they think, they'll be on my side. If we ask her friends - they'll be on her side. That's why I thought - why not try with a neutral party, which is no closer to either one of us, to hear an as unbiased opinion/s as possible.


    As for the parties, we've met with the families a number of times - I met hers, she met mine. To make the situation even more complicated is that we all live in different countries, but are originally from one. That is - we are all from X where my parents live, me and my GF live together in Y, while the rest of her family lives in Z. I thought that this has the advantage that the families would not try to influence our relationship if we happened all to live in the same place.


    If we had spent together a few weeks or months - I would have probably said - well, we tried, NEXT. If I have invested years into that - it's more difficult to just let it go.


    Then another thing is that I'm 11 years older. First I thought, whatever. Then I thought that this may have a big influence, because she's going though time, which for me is long gone.


    As for why living together. I was married before and of course we were living together with my ex wife years ago. There was a huge difference in the relationship before and after we started living together. Cause when you live with someone, no matter a girlfriend, just a friends, a roommate, family, whatever, you get to know this person much better (or worse defending on the perspective). So I thought - I wanna really know this person ASAP. If there is something which is gonna be bad, I wanna find it out now, not much later.


    As for why I wrote in a PUA forum, it kind of started here - reading articles and watching videos on internet. I've had a few GFs and a wife, before ever hearing about PUA. So, an AFC in many ways but not a thirty years old virgin Maybe most people here are trying to just have as many SNLs and threesomes as possible, because after all - that's what an amazing PUA does, right? instead of getting into a serious relationship, finding the oneitis and trying to have a family.

  4. #4
    lenric's Avatar
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    Default Re: making a decision about a possible breakup

    When you start hooking up with someone, everything is great. However, as time goes by, you'll start to see weak points in each other. As you stated.
    The thing with living together is that when there is a fight, you will be in the same place anyway, which requires a lot of maturity. Not only at a personal level, but also maturity in your relationship. That's why I believe it is a rushed decision to move in together so early.

    I may be wrong though, or there may be no right or wrong is this question, but rather it is a matter of personality, but I will give you my example: I'm 24 and I'm in a LTR for 3 years. I stated since the beginning that I don't see myself living with her, because I wanna first live with friends and/or alone. I also stated that I get sick of the girls I date quickly. So for me moving in together wouldn't be that great, even though for her would be good.
    This may be the case with your girl: she may have accepted because she was in love, ergo a rushed decision. Only you know it.

    Anyway, I believe your relationship will soon be over for your benefit.

  5. #5
    Tyrone1991's Avatar
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    Default Re: making a decision about a possible breakup

    You have the trust issues not her, notice how she has no problems or there are any fights about you with the opposite sex. Its not because your the perfect loyal boyfriend, your on a PUA site lol. You have trust issues, Or your expectations of a Girlfriend Are not who she is, she is friends with her ex, She knows you are going to fight if She tells you they are ex's or fuckbuddies, so to avoid fighting she has to use words that are true, but are only half the truth because she is sick of fighting and probably fears your fighting. You're Jealous like that, So was I, if I was committed I didn't want any other guy stealing my girl, but If I didn't trust her to the point I don't think she couldn't get stolen, I ended it because I know I will make the relationship toxic and i am not in a relationship for pain, I am in it for benefit otherwise why would I be in it, These are things I had to work on, Lowering my expectations of when in a relationship not to expect a house wife ( now I enjoy the unique qualities of my partners), If she does cheat, I will never know if she is good at hiding it ( so there is no point stressing about it unless I have full proof evidence rather then based on a small thing said or done and me assuming the worst, and the most important, Don't get too Caught up on her, Yeah love her, Do nice things but don't give her everything, mentality and emotionally, they say the more you put in the more you get out (relationships dont work like that with emotions and stresses, they work on More intamcy respecting opinions and becoming the best person you can be by changing bad habbits and learning good ones). Don't care so much, you are not married, You are not proposed, so you can say all the shit you like (kids planning), but you have made no action to commit for the rest of your life ( so how is she supposed to know your commit ed or take it seriously? you have provided no security other then words and 4 years without any action to prove that) if you did actions to prove to this women via proposal etc/ but don't propose until you sort this trust issue/ expectation of change. Actions speak louder then words so then you are available.

    You have to either except her the way she is, because you have no right to ask someone to change for you, Get over your trust issues, or stay single and pick up until you find the woman that fits your perfect criteria.

    You aren't ready for a relationship. Once out of the denial that she is doing this and she is doing that, then realizing that you are the one with trust issue, then you can get passed it and be a better man and have better quality relationships. If you aren't going to change for her, and the relationship, to keep it going, then why expect her to change who she talks too. Double standards.

    I say this for you're benefit, you deserve to be happy and complete your goal to have a wife and Kids. But the only way you can do that is too look at yourself, because I guarantee you will break up, you will get into another relationship and you will face the same problems. Only way to solve it is to learn the lesson.

    Plus you owe it to yourself to become the best man you can be, that involves Learning and growing. Nobody is perfect, you simply get better.
    Men, we need to value our time more then we value women. This isn't to say women are not valuable. But who are we to believe in something so illogical, as men we should realize that without our time(life), we would not even be able to pursue women, but only our mother who gave us life. Why do we think we should prioritize them over our time(life) unless she is the one who gives me/my children life. Man is Sovereignty.

  6. #6
    Val
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    Default Re: making a decision about a possible breakup

    Hey Tyrone, thanks for reading everything and giving such a detailed answer. It looks that you have lots of experience.

    "You have the trust issues not her, notice how she has no problems or there are any fights about you with the opposite sex. Its not because your the perfect loyal boyfriend, your on a PUA site lol."

    She has no problems with me and the opposite sex, simply because I have thought - I have a fine girlfriend and I want to keep it that way. So, I'm not interested in ruing it by attempting/getting other girl/s. Yes, I'm on a PUA site, but I am as loyal as someone could be. I came here, because I started here years ago as mentioned in my second post. Things have changed, so my goals also.

    "You have trust issues, Or your expectations of a Girlfriend Are not who she is"

    Yes, I don't fully trust her. And that is a problem. If someone does X,Y and Z, ignoring it and pretending/believing that X,Y and Z does not exist sounds strange to me. Because I'd fell like I'm fooling myself. Simple example comes home at 7pm and tells me how extremely tired she is. Fine. I'm also very tired sometimes. But then - an hour later she goes out and parties until 4am. That's shit. If I'm tired - I'll just go to bed and sleep. Problem solved. Primitive man I am. Inconsistencies like that lowered my trust in her from nearly 100% to that low that I'm discussing the situation with people I don't know And yes, I have thought that she is someone else...

    "she is friends with her ex, She knows you are going to fight if She tells you they are ex's or fuckbuddies, so to avoid fighting she has to use words that are true, but are only half the truth because she is sick of fighting and probably fears your fighting."

    Totally true.

    "You're Jealous like that,"

    Yes, I am.

    "So was I, if I was committed I didn't want any other guy stealing my girl, but If I didn't trust her to the point I don't think she couldn't get stolen"

    Same here too Every guy wants the pretty girls, so

    "I ended it because I know I will make the relationship toxic and i am not in a relationship for pain, I am in it for benefit otherwise why would I be in it"

    I haven't ended it yet, because of the great sex. But sex is not enough for a long term relationship. It's very important, but not enough. At the end of the day - everyone does their cost-benefit analysis for whatever they do

    "Don't get too Caught up on her, Yeah love her, Do nice things but don't give her everything, mentality and emotionally"

    This is exactly what I did - got totally caught up and gave up tons of things in my life, because I was (and still am) so caught up.

    "they say the more you put in the more you get out (relationships dont work like that with emotions and stresses, they work on More intamcy respecting opinions and becoming the best person you can be by changing bad habbits and learning good ones)."

    I was wrong here. I thought the more I put in, the better it will get... I always try to improve and get better in everything I do. In many areas - I'm been pretty successful. I don't say I know everything about everything. Although other areas, not that much. If I did - I wouldn't be asking questions here right now

    "Don't care so much, you are not married, You are not proposed, so you can say all the shit you like (kids planning), but you have made no action to commit for the rest of your life

    Yes, I should care less... I was married once. The divorce after was the worst experience I've ever had. So, getting married again as soon as possible didn't seem like a good idea to me, because if things go bad, it's easier to spare the months of lawyers, money, negative emotions and shit.

    "so how is she supposed to know your commit ed or take it seriously?"

    I worked, we lived together for FOUR years and I was taking care of our home. This to me was quite an indication that I'm serious. The Provider

    "You have to either except her the way she is, because you have no right to ask someone to change for you, Get over your trust issues, or stay single and pick up until you find the woman that fits your perfect criteria. "

    It's complicated - no one is perfect. A girl can have qualities 1 2 and 3, but totally lack 4 and 5. The question is how to judge what is more important than what. Fidelity is for me a top quality. Not the right thing for a PUA forum I guess The "problem" with pretty girls is that all men want them I assume that with the unattractive ones it's all another story.

    "You aren't ready for a relationship. Once out of the denial that she is doing this and she is doing that, then realizing that you are the one with trust issue, then you can get passed it and be a better man and have better quality relationships. If you aren't going to change for her, and the relationship, to keep it going, then why expect her to change who she talks too. Double standards."

    I'm a bit confused here. I should change in a way that I accept that she is friends with ex-es, sees what each one of them is doing every day, what he likes, they see what she likes, then they like each others posts, pictures, etc. And I'm like WTF? Out of sight, out of mind. I fully agree about the trust issue. At the same time I don't know how to change. Many things are easier said than done.
    Last edited by Val; 04-13-2016 at 03:44 PM. Reason: unneeded spaces

  7. #7
    Tyrone1991's Avatar
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    Default Re: making a decision about a possible breakup

    "I'm a bit confused here. I should change in a way that I accept that she is friends with ex-es, sees what each one of them is doing every day, what he likes, they see what she likes, then they like each others posts, pictures, etc. And I'm like WTF? Out of sight, out of mind. I fully agree about the trust issue. At the same time I don't know how to change. Many things are easier said than done."

    I think you care too much too see past your'e own logic.
    You have invested a lot of emotions, time and a lot of financial support. Therefore its hard to relax when things do not go to plan (you're expectations).
    If she cheated, unless she confesses, you are standing in the room or have video evidence of it happening then you do not know for sure, so why stress about it, Understand that Jealousy is another emotion, a emotion is a physical reaction caused by a thought. (in technical terms) therefore no matter what you see, if it is not solid evidence, by her confessing, you witnessing the action in place, or video footage, the rest is just youre mind, hense the term "working yourself up" This is for Cheating, this hasn't even happened yet. You have worked up this conspiracy theory in your head, of a like on facebook and a few other things because your mind is identifying these things more now due to this specific stimulation (belief). What you are doing is fighting over pretty much some bullshit you are predetermining what may/may not might happen because of a theory created in youre head based on zero valid evidence. You are trying to control her and the outlay of the future of your relationship. This will push her away. Understanding this, you realize how ridiculous you have been acting. then you can control it.
    Men, we need to value our time more then we value women. This isn't to say women are not valuable. But who are we to believe in something so illogical, as men we should realize that without our time(life), we would not even be able to pursue women, but only our mother who gave us life. Why do we think we should prioritize them over our time(life) unless she is the one who gives me/my children life. Man is Sovereignty.

  8. #8
    Stu-B is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: making a decision about a possible breakup

    Some people look at jealousy as a sign of deep-seated insecurities and personality defects. I view jealousy as a much more complicated emotion. I think jealousy may actually reflect your higher values of commitment, monogamy, love, honesty, and sincerity. You may feel jealous because you want a monogamous relationship.

    I think you should end it and look for someone who can offer a higher quality relationship but your having a hard time moving on because the sex it good.

  9. #9
    WadeWilson is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: decision about a possible breakup because of connection with exes

    I would give the situation more time. Being friends with so many exes is a valid concern in my opinion. However over reacting isn't the right response considering that she says that you're different and that she loves u more than she's ever loved anyone else.

  10. #10
    The_Situation is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: making a decision about a possible breakup

    Wise words from Tyrone , however it's easier said than done especially if you have invested more than she has. Maybe you have to lower your expectations reggarding relationships, but I understand the issue you have with her exes , but I think it would be better for you teach yourself not to care about that and don't let it affect you as much as it does, it's not something that should start a fight,


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