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  1. #1
    Xenno666 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Mystery with an NDR (Pandora's Box)

    Ok I've been hanging out with this girl for a couple of months that I really like a lot. She's an NDR (investor / denier / realist). I'm very sure I understand almost all of her behavior and signals she's been giving me, except for 1 thing which has been puzzling me, and I would like to hear some opinions on what it is that I'm missing and what this behavior means exactly.

    When it's just the 2 of us alone, it is very obvious to me that she *really* likes to talk to me, to connect and bond with me on an emotional level, even to the point that she will neglect sleep if she has work the next morning. We've made out a number of times, and she is very comfortable with me touching her already (I've been kissing her neck, fondled her, etc. we've not had sex yet though) I can clearly see in her eyes that she has some feelings for me when I go to kiss her. However, she will only hang out with me privately after hanging out in a group setting or after a group activity. If I text her on saturday and say "Hey, wanna go grab a drink?" and she knows it's just me, she'll make an excuse. If our mutual friend (how we met) is going, she'll go. At least that's what it consistently feels like. Once we're together alone, she loves being around me. It's getting her there that's the issue.

    She has told me she does not want a relationship right now because her ex just deployed (he's in the marines) and it affected her in a way she was not expecting. She needs time and space to get over it, and I get that and I've conveyed that to her. I also know she wants to keep me on the down low, at least for now. Around people we know, we are strictly friends. When it's just the 2 of us (both public and private), she likes to act like my girlfriend, hold hands, kiss, etc.

    Why does she resist initiating a hangout with just the 2 of us? She does in fact have very little time to devote to anything other than work and sleep (she works 7 days a week at 2 jobs). But she'll hang out with me, even invite me out, if someone else is present. Once the evening winds down, everyone leaves, and it's just the two of us. Then we talk for hours, kiss, and generally be very warm and loving with each other. But I can't get her to hang out with me any other way! Why? I don't get it.

    What am I missing? Am I reading too much into her excuses as trying to not hang out unless other people are present, when it's not that at all? Are the excuses all just coincidences? Or is there something I've missed?

  2. #2
    Steel-O's Avatar
    Steel-O is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: Mystery with an NDR (Pandora's Box)

    It kinda looks like she is using you as a rebound guy. If I were you I would try to distance yourself from her, to test if she is really into you.

    As long as she keeps telling you she is not ready for a relationship don't hang out with her. If she is really into you, and you show her you're ready to move on and that you don't feel like waiting for her...you'll find out soon enough what's up!

  3. #3
    Xenno666 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Mystery with an NDR (Pandora's Box)

    Thanks for the reply! I'll explain a couple things that have to do with your suggestions and see what you think. Basically she and the marine were on and off for a while towards the end of their relationship well before he deployed. She has not said anything to me (being a denier and all, I guess) but the mutual friend did tell me she was seeing someone else (mutual friend's coworker) for a little while when she broke up with the marine, which didn't work out (and he has since moved away cross country), and THEN the marine deployed. She basically just hung out with him to say goodbye before he left for Iraq and I guess she was upset knowing he was finally leaving for good. She wasn't completely devastated or heartbroken to my knowledge, but she was definitely down about it enough to withdraw for a day or two. There was obviously still a little attachment there, even though technically she's already had a rebound guy. Does that mean she potentially needs a 2nd rebounder and that's me? I would *think* she has mostly gotten over it before he left and then actually saying goodbye was a little too real for her. I think. That's how my mind would operate at least... but I'm not female so I could obviously be wrong. As for testing her, we text a decent amount regularly, in spurts. She's often working so she doesn't always respond. A few times she has just stopped responding altogether for a couple of days, even though I was still texting her periodically something funny or notable. Then I decided to just stop texting her when she wasn't responding to see how she would react. Eventually, I always got a text after like a couple days of silence, and she'd be like hey! where'd you go? to which I'll just lol and say nowhere, I stopped texting cause you got quiet and I didn't want to be annoying. She basically said she still reads them and wants to hear from me, even though she can't always respond. I think she wants me on the down low for now because she has a huge, opinionated family that she fears judgement from to an extent. Getting an *official* boyfriend for her is a bit of an ordeal I think, so I'm thinking she might just want to see if we go anywhere first before she goes through the trouble of introducing me to anyone in her life. That is my impression at least. Oh, and when she told me she did not want a relationship, I asked if the door was open at least for possibly something in the future, and she did say yes and seem sincere. Any new thoughts or impressions? Am I still probably just another rebound guy? I'm actually ok with that, but she does seem to be investing in me a little too much to just have something short and light. Thanks for the help!
    Last edited by Xenno666; 06-10-2011 at 01:41 AM.

  4. #4
    Steel-O's Avatar
    Steel-O is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: Mystery with an NDR (Pandora's Box)

    What direction do you wanna go with this girl? Do you want her to be your gf or do you just wanna have 'some fun' with her?

  5. #5
    DarrenA's Avatar
    DarrenA is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: Mystery with an NDR (Pandora's Box)

    Quote Originally Posted by Xenno666 View Post
    Ok I've been hanging out with this girl for a couple of months that I really like a lot. She's an NDR (investor / denier / realist). I'm very sure I understand almost all of her behavior and signals she's been giving me, except for 1 thing which has been puzzling me, and I would like to hear some opinions on what it is that I'm missing and what this behavior means exactly.

    When it's just the 2 of us alone, it is very obvious to me that she *really* likes to talk to me, to connect and bond with me on an emotional level, even to the point that she will neglect sleep if she has work the next morning. We've made out a number of times, and she is very comfortable with me touching her already (I've been kissing her neck, fondled her, etc. we've not had sex yet though) I can clearly see in her eyes that she has some feelings for me when I go to kiss her. However, she will only hang out with me privately after hanging out in a group setting or after a group activity. If I text her on saturday and say "Hey, wanna go grab a drink?" and she knows it's just me, she'll make an excuse. If our mutual friend (how we met) is going, she'll go. At least that's what it consistently feels like. Once we're together alone, she loves being around me. It's getting her there that's the issue.

    She has told me she does not want a relationship right now because her ex just deployed (he's in the marines) and it affected her in a way she was not expecting. She needs time and space to get over it, and I get that and I've conveyed that to her. I also know she wants to keep me on the down low, at least for now. Around people we know, we are strictly friends. When it's just the 2 of us (both public and private), she likes to act like my girlfriend, hold hands, kiss, etc.

    Why does she resist initiating a hangout with just the 2 of us? She does in fact have very little time to devote to anything other than work and sleep (she works 7 days a week at 2 jobs). But she'll hang out with me, even invite me out, if someone else is present. Once the evening winds down, everyone leaves, and it's just the two of us. Then we talk for hours, kiss, and generally be very warm and loving with each other. But I can't get her to hang out with me any other way! Why? I don't get it.

    What am I missing? Am I reading too much into her excuses as trying to not hang out unless other people are present, when it's not that at all? Are the excuses all just coincidences? Or is there something I've missed?
    Hello Xenno666,

    Altho the post is over a year old, i took notice because i am checking out an NDR and she is showing close to exactly the same signs that you described. Going cold on texts at times, keeping things on a down low, flaking when i begin to pursue her a bit, mixed signals. Here are two of of my posts about it:

    http://www.puaforums.com/dating-advi...ut-asking.html

    http://www.puaforums.com/dating-advi...iend-work.html

    Right now i'm in the process of freezing her off a bit and keeping in contact once every 2-4 weeks. Our schedules in school are different so i wouldn't be seeing her all the time as compared to a few months ago. I'll be keeping myself busy during this freezing time otherwise i may go allweak/beta

    Did you figure out your question and been successful with your NDR? What tips can you give? Thanks!


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