I hope I can get some help with this one. Iíve dug myself into a real deep hole and have no idea if Iíll ever get myself out of it. This is probably going to be a long one so please bear with me. Iíll do my best to leave out any BS.
Sorry, itís really long.
So in feb. I started a new activity at college here and met a lot of new people. I didnít really have a social life before now because I was a commuter and extracurricular act are just hard with that type of schedule.
Unfortunately itís engineering and there are just not that many girls around. I met this girl, weíll call her Rachel. The first time I met her I didnít think much of her, a little plain looking, nice though. Honestly I was a little engrossed in the welding and fabrication I was doing. It actually took a whole for me to notice her at all. It was after about a month that I noticed her. And I really noticed her, all this while Iíve got a girlfriend who I met just before I graduated from HS. We had been going out for 5 years and the last 2 were long distance as she went to school in DC. The more time I spent around Rachel the more I felt guilty about stringing grace along in DC. I knew I had to end it but I didnít want to just throw away 5 years based on a crush. My primary problem was the distance and lack of input in the relationship from her. Rachel and I had ended up going out one night after a lab session, it ended up being just the 2 of us and I let her do most of the talking, it was feeling like a date, we ended up closing out the bar we were at and headed back to the lab (where I had my car, I was still commuting at the time) we went inside and chatted for another 2 hours and I could tell she was looking for the kiss, something physical, but I couldnít cheat on grace, I just couldnít. So I went home. So about a week later grace got home from school and I spent a week with her, brought her out to school to meet my new friends and Rachel. I was trying to save what I had invested so much into. That first night we went out grace asked me if I liked her. She saw it immediately. After that week grace went on a 2 week mission trip during which all of us from the activity went to Texas for 4 days to compete. I decided it was time Iíd ask her out.
The first night in Texas(mid may btw) we were all drinking and while walking with Rachel back to the courtyard from the rooms she just fell to the ground in tears. She then told me that if I ever told anyone what was going on sheíd kill me but I then got quite a story. After 15 min we moved to a more secluded place with another close friend of both of us. She, over the next 4 hours proceeded to tell us how in feb she left her BF of 3 years for a guy she was working on another year long project with who was gay, but they had both developed strong feeling for each other and he thought he could be with her (they were friends for about 2 years) after about a month of them going out they went to California to present this other project. 2 days before they leave he tells her that this guy who used to be his roommate who he crushed on for a long time finally came out of the closet and he needed to go after that opportunity. The 3 of them then spent the next 2 weeks in the same hotel room.
I knew I couldnít ask her out and my feelings for her kept brewing. A few weeks later were still hanging out, closer than ever. She tells me about Steve (the other close friend she revealed that too) he took her to some college formal and they made out a few times and on the way home he told her they needed to talk. I could tell she was excited about it. I on the other hand was the good friend and was happy for her but died a little on the inside, I was falling HARD. I finally broke up with grace. On June 4. It was strange she actually texted me that we needed to talk and I was going to call her to say the same thing after classes that day. But sat we got together and talked it out. And it was over. She wanted it just as much as I did. We both thought the other had no idea. But we both took it very hard. But I was free not to ask Rachel out.
I finally asked her out after a pub crawl. She consulted her Google calendar to see if she was free (I knew it was a bad sign, since I knew she was free) I slept over her place as I wasnít going to drive home buzzed, id done this a few times. the next day she texts me that she was gonna take sat ( the day I was gonna take her out) to just chill as we both had grad parties friday and Sunday.i was pretty devastated and my head was going a million miles an hour. I ended up back at her place dirking with friends after the Friday party and when they all left (they all live within walking distance) I told her I needed to talk and I spilled 4 months of pent up emotion at her. It started off with ďyou know how much I care about you right?Ē It never got too bad, nothing psychotic, but it just fizzled and we both went to sleep. In the morning I wanted to finish the conversation as I felt it wasnít really resolved. She tried to pretend like it never happened and she had no idea what I was talking about. She went over to the gay guys apt (in the same building for 10 min, and I told her I would wait, I wanted closure. She came back looked me in the eye and said, ďI need you for [activity name] in the fall and Iím not looking for a relationship right now.Ē It hurt but I could understand. That Monday I moved onto campus.
The next week we all go out to a bar (night before my Bday) and she is hanging all over Steve. Another friend showed up and was hammered, he was one of the straight guys from her other activity that went to California and had tried to get with her there. I ran interference for her as this other guy was all about her. Later that night in front of the apartment building we were all chatting and she pulled Steve aside to talk. They were over there for a while and I was feeling shitty, I really thought they were over there making out. All of a sudden I hear her heels clicking on the ground as she goes running past. I catch up to her in the bldg and she was bawling. She said she wanted to be alone and I told her if she needs me to call me. I went to bed. I later come to find out that Steve is also gay and guess what! Heís been with the gay guy she was with.
But since then itís been pretty quiet. We didnít see each other for 2 weeks, didnít even communicate for one of them. Itís been getting better but I still feel like Iíve been pushed to a distant orbit. We had to start communicating again because weíre both officers in this activity and its parent organization. So weíve started hanging out again. I went over her place to chat about some business and then we were just chilling and it was just like being around her back in April before I knew all this stuff. Then last night we all went to dinner at a Thai place. Me, Rachel, the gay couple from California, Steve, and our friends Carl and Nathan. We had a good time. Me and Rachel and a few good laughs and good I contact that lingered just a little longest than friendly. Then afterwards I, Rachel and the gays went and hung out and she got downright frosty. Sheís so different towards me around them, it ruined my night.
Unfortunately Rachel also knows everything about my breakup with graceÖ.everything. The distance, the bad sex life, the heartache, all of it. She was the first phone call after we broke up, and she was there a few times to console me too.
So do I have any chance of saving what I know I once had with Rachel and starting something new? She makes me so happy. I just really want to be with her. Iím prepared to put in time. This activity will keep us basically joined at the hip till next spring when we both graduate. And I donít really mind playing the field while I work at her either. But I want a relationship with her. Please help.
again sorry its so long.