I am not new--been studying for four years (started during the summer of eighth grade). I know how the game generally works, having dated over 60+ girls since the start of my high school career. The difference is, I have this dilema with this girl--its that I dont feel that she is like every other girl, that she does have something special. I've been struggling for over a week with my emotions, and whether or not to volate my rules and show interest or not...
Well I've written my thoughts down in my diary, please read it and help me out--because I would love to ask my girl friends what to do, but I can only trust pua's who many share the same mindset as me.
This is the scenario of how I met the girl.
Whenever I hit on a girl, I tend to not care at all about her--in fact its because that I do not care that I believe that I do so well. I feel that a girl is like a new videogame--the cover looks appealing, you've opened it, and so you might as well keep going to the next level until you die... however, I really like this girl. I wasnt trying to hit on her, but simply tal to her as a person. The funny thing is I revealed to her my true self; the person that has goals, ambition, the unpopular middle school kid who could not even hold a second of eye contact with a girl, the guy that dates a multitude of girls for whom he does not care simply because that's the persona he has established for himself, and the guy who had to read countless books in order to be finally be the confident self and get girls. It is I guess only the true connection and acceptance of this very fact that I find to be so attracted
So anyhow, I was driving home and wasn't planning on hitting on this cheerleader, the fact shown by just being my true self; I was still flirting and touching her a lot--and i guess looking back I did a lot of dvh stories without attempting to--things such as stories about girls that I've dated and my dreams for the future. Anyways in this conversation I told her about pua techniques and the journey that I did to get there--and comparing girls to video games. yet she did not judge at all and thought it was sort of interesting and wondered if I could help her out with some of those books...
Anyways i Kept kinoing her and realized that I was sort of hitting all the steps genuinely... I actually did like her personality, her morals, her traits, and truly connected with her--even telling her that sometimes I have moments in which I feel that suicide is the answer--that life would be less complicated in being another persons shoes...to which I believed i would be friendzoned, yet she agreed and understood!
Eventually we started wrestling and it seriously looked like rape--lol. The doors were open in the car and our elbows kept bumping into the horn and the lights were going on and off. Eventually she said that she would kiss me on the cheek if I said sorry for elbowing her--so I threw her stuff out and told her to leave because I am going, yet she threw it back in and kept pulling me out of the car and tried to keep making me say sorry. to be honest I felt that I should have kissed her right there, but I just got out of a relationship and didnt want her to feel like another number. The wresting went on for about forty minutes until I drove home without a kiss on the cheek and didn't say sorry.
Yet I feel that we really connected--and she is the first girl out of like 60 that truly accepts me and is still attracted. I really like her, but I feel that there is too much interest on my side even though I do not show it. I dont want to violate my rules and change myself for this girl--no matter who she is, but it is so hard! when one violates the pua rules they get fucked.
These are my journal entries and I hope that someone can truly help me, cause i'm a fuckin mess.
2012-02-04 5:10 PM
I had a threesome on Friday night, and while I wish that I can say that it was the funniest that I've had in years, the truth of the matter is that I would have wanted to be anywhere but there. Camilla was one of those girls whom I dated simple because I could--because I had the ability to--because I wanted to see how easy it is to read such a person--to read the selves that they don't even understand about themselves; in essence I was bored and needed to occupy my time. That was my reason, however, the reason why I went to see her was a totally different matter. It was to get over a certain girl, this girl being someone that can't have happen to me--because to ever reveal my emotions to her, to ever be with her is the worst thing that can happen.
2012-02-05 8:27 PM
Priscilla has told me that I should just keep repeating to myself the lie I want to be true. maybe I'd say it enough times then i will believe it. I don't like her. I don't like her. I don't like her. I don't like her. I don't like her. I don't like her. I don't like her. I don't like her. I don't like her.
I don't like her. I don't like her. I don't like her. I don't like her.
2012-02-06 7:20 PM
what kind of girl is changing me this way? I thought That I'd gotten rid of these emotions years ago: The emotions of caring about somebody else, the feelings of the heart physically aching, because you can only simply stare at them from afar... These are the feelings that I cannot afford to have--the feeling of a regular person. I really don't know what to do. My success has come from not caring: Not caring about what people think, feel, act, or the outcomes of life--because the one to care less wins, always wins-- It is because of this view that I can be me... The best me... The apathetic me. Yet my actions are starting to change, whether I want them to or not. They've become something that I have started to gradually lose control of. I want to go and
Simply tell her--to for the first time in my life truly risk everything, and hope to gain that one thing that I've always been searching for. I'm want to simply grab her arm, pull her into me, stare straight into Her eyes, and say "theres something that I need to tell you and it's going to perhaps seem sudden...but listen to me until I am finished, because I want your full attention. I... Know that we don't talk a lot. In fact hardly ever at all, except for that one time that I drove you home--but from that one conversation, I revealed to you more that I would ever reveal to most people in a Lifetime. I felt a connection from you that day, which was strange to me because I never felt that way about anyone. I know that I shouldn't show too much interest, especially about a girl, any girl, in such a short timespan, because it is not easy to get my interest. But you've made me thrown away many of my rules... I've cut my flirting with other girls by half, think about you when I'm with other girls, and even had to go out with random girls whom I care little for, in order to not think about you and the moments in my car. I've contemplated about whether or not to tell you, whether or not it to risk showing emotion, that it would be better to simply look at you from afar and know that there is a girl that I truly like and feel connected to--but I thought it over a-lot and realize that it is not enough. That i did not date the multitudes of girls, and had so much headaches to simply stare at that special girl from afar and be her friend. I putted up with the headaches because I wanted to find that special girl and be with her." I wish I had the courage, because if i game her right, the task is pretty easy. Yet I can't seem to get myself to do it. I can't pretend that she is like every other girl because she's not, and maybe in my mind I don't really deserve her, or maybe it is because of my inability to abandon what has brought me the multitude of success that I've had. I don't know anymore, but I've given up on her. I talked it over, the guys voted, we did coin flips, and it's best if she's the one that got away, maybe it's best that she Doesnt need to know--that way, I can live my life the way that I've always been living, free of the emotional shackles that bind normal people, and free of all the burden that it entails, and the rewards that it gives.
thought I could do this. I thought I can take my mind off of her and continue to live my life. But it's so hard. The worst thing is that I know that I shouldn't feel this way. I know that I shouldn't show emotion. I know that I shouldn't care. I know that I shouldn't be affected. I hate this; and the worst of it is sitting at the table next to her and having to talk to the guys, all the while pretending that she is not there. pretending to smile and go about my day when she says hi--because that's all I can really do. I wish that I hadn't met her, never driven her home; talked to her, fell in love with her personality, and I wish that those brown eyes that show the sparkliest hints
Of red, that radiate a vividness like none other did not exist. That she did not exist. Maybe then can I continue to get on with my life. I'll try again tomorrow to not care. To simply shut my brain off and attempt to return to the me that I was fine with. I scheduled two dates yesterday night--for this week, and while they are attractive girls (8.5's) in
My mind they no where near compare to her; I feel that I just need the distraction right now, so that maybe I can find something, anything to hate about her. but there's nothing, and the More I find out about her, the More I like; I hate my life
Please help me out! I would ask myself, but I'm not my Pua self to ask any questions, and these are my thoughts which I would never share with anyone else or her--please I'm fucked pussied up.