Long story, sorry.
I'm 32. When I was in High School, there was this brunette HB8 with whom I shared my first french kiss. At that time I was a natural - I had some Alpha vibes going on and I would just have to take that girl by the arm during parties to bring her to closed doors and make out with her. I didn't know this back then but she fell in love with me... and it lasted for years without the two of us ever farking or going out together.
I pushed her in the arms of my best friend of the time. I went out with another chick. For two years she was with him while being secretly in love with me even though our lives took their own path.
A few years later I met her again and I was stunned at her beauty. I definitely had butterflies in the stomach. A year later I saw her again and her ex BF (my former best friend) told me it would be a good time for me to realize she and I have a connection. I'm stupid... so I missed my chance again.
Years passed and we happened to share some university courses. That's when I really got to know her and fell in love with her (in a mature way). At the time I was sure about my feelings I told my friends about it and EVERYONE told me to back off, to stay away from her since I had made her suffer in the past (which I was clueless about). Society can lead your decision making sometimes: I stepped back and went out with another girl. A few years later I met her again and she told me about the fact she'd been in love with me for years. It made me think... but I was happy with my GF so I didn't make a move then.
Then I got engaged with my GF. I really thought we'd live a happy life together, but somehow I had this tiny feeling I was doing something wrong... because I kept thinking that the girl I should be with might just have been the other gal. Later, my fiancée got into a depression. For a whole year I was living in hell and had thoughts about the other girl. It's not rational but somehow I think I would have been happier with her.
My fiancée then dumped me a month before she told me she was pregnant from another dude and it ruined my self-confidence for a few weeks. Then I started dating new girls. I'm slowly getting back into the game. I've been single for about 5 months now.
Here's my issue:
The girl I truly love is my highschool sweetheart. About a month and a half ago, the AFC in me wrote her a love letter. In that letter I told her everything - my point of view of our 16-years connection and how I somehow felt like she was "the one" and that I was deeply in love with her. Don't throw rocks at me, people! I'm a delusional romantic at times.
A few days after I gave her the letter (that was awkward!) we spent an evening together to talk about it - and it went great even though I was pitiful.
The bad points:
1- She started by telling me she had "found her man". Yeah, she's in a +/- 3-4 years relationship with A PALE COPY OF ME (yeah some of my friends saw him and she's totally compensating! The guy is almost my clone and has a similar persona, but not as great!)
2- She kept saying I was a dreamer (which I am)
3- I didn't do kino, didn't make long eye-contact, looked depressed and went there thinking I had no chance to win her.
4- She was leading me physically, in convos etc. I was beta all the way.
5- She admitted that my devotion was pleasing her because she wished for that to happen for so long.
The good points:
1- I saw in her starry eyes that she still have feelings about me.
2- I was %100 honest with her, telling her all of my feelings... which is bad for seduction... but it made me feel so good inside.
3- Our emotional connection made a GIANT LEAP FORWARD and I managed to save a year of emails and fluffy talk to get back to her core.
4- Still... I'm not in the friend zone! I never was and never will be, and I kept being a funny, cocky + sexual despite my depressed mood.
A few days later I've been AFC again and sent her an email saying it was good seeing her and (argh!) asking her if it was okay with her if I keep writing and asking her for a drink once in a while. ...Luckily she didn't answer that email.
Two days later I made a cover of a song (I'm a musician) about us and sent it to her (facebook) saying it was for her. The song talked about two lovers who missed their chance to be together and that are living their love in a dream world.
She replied by saying:
1- That I was a dreamer... and that she knows that because she's one as well.
2- That she adores that song
3- That the song belongs to a world where nothing hurts, a perfect world.
4- That it was beautiful because it was inaccessible.
I snapped my chance and replied by saying that I know that in the world she's talking about, her and I are already together. That in that world I was already cuddling and kissing her etc. I ended by saying: "It makes me wonder... who needs reality?". I definitely played the romantic cards and since then, I made a Freese Out and we didn't write or talked since then. It's been a month now. No sign of life.
My current plan is to:
1- Find a way to see her casually. We live in the same city but besides that we have no social connection anymore. I have to find ways to routinely see her! I need ideas!
2- Use the Boyfriend Destroyer technique on her when the time is right
3- Go out with her and start a family (yeah I'm at that age!)
4- Learn more from the PUA Forums to know how to keep her. She's very special to me and I don't want to fark up things with her anymore. I want to be her man!
My question is this:
Do you guys have any advice to give to me? I am very serious about being honest with her and I know I don't have any control on her decision making. What I want is to change myself so I can win her heart again.
By the way she's a Hopeful Romantic (Pandora's Box), she's a giver, she likes bio food/community work/honesty/simplicity/biking/artists/travel/romance/me... she dislikes money/players/clubbing/bars/cars.
I made a lot of mistakes but in the last 3 weeks I've been addicted to this forum and I know I can win her. I just need all the help you guys can provide!
Come on! Everyone: if you have something to say, an Idea or advice, please say it!