I'm a pretty experienced P.U.A up until this point.
I used to run a website myself even, my talent was getting the girl into the bedroom...and that was enough...until I met the girl who this particular tale is about.
You need only know that I thought this girl was different, not just a One Night Stand. She's met my family and we've spent weekends together, having fun and making love.
We've known each other for only 4 months now, in that period...she's been on holiday for 2 weeks, I was away on business for a week...then I was in L.A for a total of 6 weeks. While I was in L.A, she started University (college to the U.S)...2 hours train journey away from me.
Throughout all this time of knowing her, a day didn't go by where we didn't talk...we were essentially a couple without the 'label' of boyfriend or girlfriend. Although, every time she ever brought up the subject of a relationship...I would side step that mother fucking question like a pro.
The reason I did this, in my particular Mindset, I'm not even sure of.
Now here we are, I haven't seen this girl in 9 weeks. We're not boyfriend and girlfriend. We still talk everyday and still support one another like we're in a relationship.
Last Friday she was suppose to come down from University for the weekend to see me. On Thursday I get a phone call:
"I did something really bad..."
"I slept with someone last night"
Right. Fuck. I hung up. Deleted her off of Facebook and all that, it was over for me...until she rang me at midnight that night. She apologized and defended herself with the following:
"We're not together, I never knew how much you cared about me until you just reacted like you did...I thought you'd be mad, but I didn't think this would be the end of it?? I even toyed with the thought of not telling you and coming down tomorrow like nothing happened, but I thought you had the right to know."
Y'know what, fair enough...in L.A, I was intending to sleep with a girl, and my defense to myself was "I'm not in a relationship, she'll understand"...howeve r, it didn't actually happen. It never manifested. But the intention was there.
So I'm sitting here thinking right now...
She's coming down this Friday, we're going to chat and see if we still feel that initial buzz we did when we were together (The 9 weeks we've been apart have made us almost forget what that's like). Saturday we're going to her Mum's retirement party together.
I'm more than ready to start from scratch, and maybe whack a label on what we are.
But here's the kicker, every time I get a moment thought to myself. I picture this guys hands all over her. Did she enjoy it? Did he make her come like I did? Did she suck his fucking dick? Is his dick bigger than mine? Why would she feel the need to do that THE DAY BEFORE??
These thoughts are consuming my every thought, and I need advice from you guys...will these thoughts ever go away?
I still trust her, I still want to be with her...she didn't cheat on me (or did she, is what she did just a technicality?) But I just need to know if with time, these thoughts will be washed away because of how happy I know I'll be when I'm with her...or will they always be there, in the back of my mind?
A confused, and slightly regrettable young PUA.