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Thread: Where is this going? She is still in school.

  1. #11
    artandale's Avatar
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    Default Re: Where is this going? She is still in school.

    To have social proof you simply need to be social. Most of the time in the PUA world they refer this concept mostly used in a bar to atteact women by showing that you can talk to other women--its the idea that you dont need one woman's attention because you have the attention of many. Realistically you dont need it to be gender specific but in most cases in attracting the opposite sex you should show that you are actively seeking as a suitor because you are single ready to mingle. Dont make this harder than it needs to be. If you can show that you're just busy having a good time the more other people will find it hard to look away. People are drawn to happy fun things because its what they want in their lives. With this said you need to frame yourself in such a light that even your closest friends believe you're having a good time making your good time legitimate.

    Social proof with attraction means that your time can be bought and until shes agreed to terms of being with you you can sell your time to anyone. You do not have to make her a prority.

    In regards to things to avoid--avoid being unclear, harsh, judgemental, cruel, vague, unsure, angry, frustrated...

    In my opinion youre all good.. Rushing to put a label on things might hurt you more but if you do about asking her you need to be clear that you need it because you're vulnerable. Not because you want to be offical. Think about it. Not knowing can make you very parandoid never knowing what the next day is like or if you can depend on someone. I think you should consider this 2nd approach as an alternative. Make sure that the way you say things arent going to mislead her and alienate her. She has to make her choice--she knows this. No reason to tell her what she already knows. Instead focus on what she doesnt know which is how you feel. When you describe your feelings dont lead her to think shes making bad decisions ...be clear that your feelings are more about the state of things--not about where things were or where they are going.

    Before you ask her to be 100% serious you need to ask yourself if you are ready to commit because of how you feel--not because you want to call a hot chick your girlfriend. You need to question yourself about everything before you can and should ask her because if you dont know anything about yourself how can you be ready to commit to a person to grow with them when you're still trying to figure things out. I believe that some people just fall into relationships--and those who are bracing for success or failure need to spend more time looking at their inner and outer game on both gender fronts. The goal here isnt to have a right answer--its to know that you have an answer even if its simply... "I need this person in my life because i'm not the best person i can be without them." This happens. But you need to figure this out for yourself.
    Every moment counts, get out of your head and enjoy it.

  2. #12
    johnnybob62 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Where is this going? She is still in school.

    For ways that i can social proof myself while we are away from eachother I should go out more correct? Go out with my friends more, go running, go do something besides sitting in my house awaiting her facetime?

    Now in what ways can I be unclear to her? Unclear about what? I know I am not harsh to her in anyway.

    Now yesterday I facetimed her and no answer so I just left it be, she called me later that night complaining that I didnt text or call her (guess my facetime didnt go through) so i told her i didnt want to bother her, i figured she was busy..

    I am happy with this girl, we get along great, we can hang out with one another and just be our goofy self, but then we can go out to dinner and be romantic.

    I just dont know what she needs to "wait for" shes been out of a relationship for 4+ months now. I want to be with her and only her, I can see us building a nice future with eachother, I just dont want to force it on her.

  3. #13
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    Default Re: Where is this going? She is still in school.

    It's OK to text a girl every day. Even if you're the one to text first.

    If you send a couple with no response, THEN wait for her reply.
    If nothing, then let it go until the next day & send another. No big deal.

    If she STILL doesn't reply, then you go dead air for a day or so & see what happens.

    This girl is still in school. (high school?) She's young & she's gonna be flakey/flighty. It's the result of immaturity.
    You have to learn to accept & deal with that if you want to be with her.

    Eventually she'll become more experienced & mature & that won't be as much of an issue. But in the meantime, it is what it is.

    When you allow her to affect you like this, you're giving HER all the control. You need to live your life & do things you enjoy. Have her become part of it.

    Don't just sit around & pine over her, waiting for her next message. That leads to neediness & depression.

    You should absolutely have your own activities that you enjoy. Women are attracted to men who have ambition & who are passionate about things.

    Basically, do what you were doing when you two first met. THAT'S what made you attractive to her.


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  4. #14
    johnnybob62 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Exclamation Re: Where is this going? She is still in school.

    Quote Originally Posted by T-Mal View Post
    It's OK to text a girl every day. Even if you're the one to text first.

    If you send a couple with no response, THEN wait for her reply.
    If nothing, then let it go until the next day & send another. No big deal.

    If she STILL doesn't reply, then you go dead air for a day or so & see what happens.

    This girl is still in school. (high school?) She's young & she's gonna be flakey/flighty. It's the result of immaturity.
    You have to learn to accept & deal with that if you want to be with her.

    Eventually she'll become more experienced & mature & that won't be as much of an issue. But in the meantime, it is what it is.

    When you allow her to affect you like this, you're giving HER all the control. You need to live your life & do things you enjoy. Have her become part of it.

    Don't just sit around & pine over her, waiting for her next message. That leads to neediness & depression.

    You should absolutely have your own activities that you enjoy. Women are attracted to men who have ambition & who are passionate about things.

    Basically, do what you were doing when you two first met. THAT'S what made you attractive to her.
    no were both in college, im going into my last year and she has 1 more semester more than me. shes still up at school now for an internship. while im home for the summer working. i go up to visit her and she comes down to visit me.

    this weekend she got off and is going back home, she wants me to come with her so i can meet her parents because next month she invited me to her family bbq and thinks itll be better if i meet them before the bbq.

    this to me seems like she wants her family to like me and when a girl wants you to meet her family thats a boyfriend thing to do (in my eyes). i dont want to force a relationship on her but then i dont know what shes getting at, she wants me to do all these bf things but says shes not ready for one...

  5. #15
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    Default Re: Where is this going? She is still in school.

    Gotcha...

    Just let it flow naturally. Don't force the "label" of boyfriend/girlfriend.

    If things are actually going well (other than her calling you her "boyfriend") then let it be for now.

    Work on expressing confidence & leadership. That will continue to make her more & more attracted to you & things will fall into place as they should.

    As long as it's progressing & not regressing, you're doing great.

    It seems like you're seeking validity from her with the "boyfriend" moniker. It's affecting you at the moment & is causing you a little distress.

    Shake it off & just keep being the guy who is different & better than every other schmuck. She'll notice.



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  6. #16
    artandale's Avatar
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    Default Re: Where is this going? She is still in school.

    johnnybob62 looks like you didn't take my advice into consideration if you don't understand why she's not ready... don't force it on her--you might screw it up. yes there is a chance that if you don't act on it now and put a label on it she might leave anyways--but realistically people who enjoy the company of others do not want to leave those who make them feel good. think about it.

    the more you feel the need to have an answer for her not wanting a label the more you're going to get more negative emotions that will effect your relationship. the reason being is that you'll be getting too far caught up into this tunnel vision and unclear of being able to see that you are in a relationship already. what you can do is slowly define the relationship so it feels more comfortable to you with some ground rules because you're already so invested--if she doesn't want a label she's probably more than willing to hear your problem and solution if it's to benefit the relationship. so forget the label--treat it like you're already boyfriend and girlfriend... just don't bring it up. act natural.

    as for things i said you should avoid... avoid everything that will make you do the wrong thing and lead the relationship to break up. i listed many wrong negative emotions, negative emotional states, and miscommunicated terms too because if you aren't in control of what you're saying to her and you intend it to be something else it's going to not help you at all. keep it simple and know yourself.

    i keep bringing it back to this because to me the way you're asking all these questions it doesn't sound like you're really taking into consideration about how you should be looking at things--to me you're too focused on the prize which right now sounds like you just want to call someone who is already pretty much your girlfriend and you just want to be able to call her that in public it seems. nothing really wrong with it other than she isn't ready. she isn't ready because she isn't ready. it really doesn't matter what her reason is--if she's decided on it, you can't change her mind. all you can do is make yourself to be the best person you can be.
    Every moment counts, get out of your head and enjoy it.

  7. #17
    johnnybob62 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Where is this going? She is still in school.

    ahhhh, it all just clicked for me, thanks artandale!!

    i think im gonna take your suggestion and go with this when i see her this weekend:

    "i just wanna let you know, i think you're great. i can tell you're not ready for a lot of things, i can wait--not forever. but i feel good in saying this to you that when you're ready for some kind of relationship i'd be happy to talk about it with you. for now lets just keep whatever this is as is."

    just one more question. is it too much if i buy her a bracelet or flowers? i dont want to spoil her but i feel like things like that are appropriate for our "relationship" right now.

  8. #18
    artandale's Avatar
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    Default Re: Where is this going? She is still in school.

    that last part instead of saying "...for now lets just keep whatever this is as is" try something more more comforting rather than discarding. i think when i originally wrote it i was just trying to simplify it. i thought about saying something else to replace that but replacing it with Kino means a lot more. so as you say this, maybe start to pull her in and hold her hands--at the end of it have your hand moving her hair around her ear. it sounds flirtatious and it is--but what you're really saying is that you're trying to stay intimate--you're not looking for friendship with your body language. your words say you understand--but your body says this is what i want. at the end of it if she is all starry eyed then kiss her. but leave your words to be mysterious and let your body language do the work of telling her what you want.

    as for gifts--i wouldn't just buy them randomly unless they were meant for a special event. if anything when you goto meet her parents or family for dinner or something--make a dish or bring some wine. if you aren't looking to do something dinner / food related and looking to only give her a gift then keep it simple... like a belt buckle, hair clips if she wears them, sunglasses if she needs some--things that are kind of functional seem less boyfriend / girlfriend like. if she can make use of it the better that you can slide into a subconscious frame in your relationship to where the things you're doing and saying are taking care of her / looking out for her. don't go crazy but keep it simple. once she reciprocates and gives you something back then turn it up slightly with something a little more less functional and more personal. if it's a birthday or anniversary gift--maybe make something instead of buying it. why? because people tend to keep things that are sentimental--and often we realize what objects mean to us when someone made it themselves. think about it--if someone made you a painting or shirt--how likely are you to throw that out instead of say a wall poster or shirt from walmart?
    Every moment counts, get out of your head and enjoy it.


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