Top 10 Stats
Latest Posts Loading... Loading...
Loading...
Loading...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Loading...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 18
Like Tree9Likes

Thread: Where is this going? She is still in school.

  1. #1
    johnnybob62 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
    Points: 550, Level: 10
    Level completed: 50%, Points required for next Level: 50
    Overall activity: 15.4%
    Achievements:
    7 days registered500 Experience Points
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Posts
    244
    Points
    550
    Level
    10
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
    Rep Power
    38

    Default Where is this going? She is still in school.

    Alright, currently i am "with" this girl but we aren't boyfriend/girlfriend. We are about 3 hours away from eachother, shes up at school still. I went and visited her and she came to visit me. She wants me to come home with her so I can meet her family, that sounds like a boyfriend thing to do.

    I dig this girl, a lot. I text her every morning and she facetimes me every night, we hit a few rough patches with her exes but theyre out of the picture now. I just got back from visiting her again and she sent me this text:

    "I like where we are right now in our "relationship" I'm just nervous to take things further but i guess we will see how it goes. I think going slow is the best way bc i really find you as a great guy and friend before i fall in love."

    She told me before that im a good friend to her because she can be herself around me,we dont have to be all lovey dovey around eachother all the time.

    Idk how to really interpret this...we have sex so im no friendzoned and it took us a while too, she has trust issues since she has been cheated on in the past.

    Anyone wanna put in their 2 cents?

  2. #2
    whitedragon is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
    Points: 15,299, Level: 79
    Level completed: 90%, Points required for next Level: 51
    Overall activity: 99.0%
    Achievements:
    Social10000 Experience Points31 days registered
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    1,032
    Points
    15,299
    Level
    79
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
    Rep Power
    675

    Default Re: Where is this going?

    She is totally insecure. She said she is nervous to take it further and wants to take it slow before 'falling in love' but she has already slept with you. That could mean you are not being romantic enough but also you need to ask yourself some serious questions like 'why did the other guys cheat on her??'.

    The 'lets take it slow' is a form of sh!t test. You can respond to that by saying something along the lines of 'love goes by destiny, it's not a schedule you plan on how fast it moves! You must let the bird fly and not keep it in a cage with clipped wings and a ticking clock'. Something meaningful and confident that trumps what she said. You could neg her a little about lacking confidence and self esteem. You could also invest considerable time in making her feel you are faithful, special, 'in love', committed etc but I feel that should naturally evolve and be reciprocated.

    I bet deep down she wants all that lovey dovey stuff but knows that when she lets herself go to all of that she is more exposed to being hurt. Thats ultimately her problem, not yours.

    The 'friends' thing is also another protective barrier. I would bypass all that and state exactly what you want: 'Friends? Don't be silly, I want you to be my girlfriend'. Otherwise her insecurity is dictating the relationship. Presently she is trying to control the relationship by using the tried and tested 'I dont want to get hurt' mantra. You need to position yourself wisely because you also have feelings at stake and are a man that deserves the best he can get. The irony is sometimes when girls try to protect their feelings they devalue themselves, actually making it easier for men to cheat on them.

    Also long distance relationships suck no matter how one tries to rationalize it.

  3. #3
    johnnybob62 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
    Points: 550, Level: 10
    Level completed: 50%, Points required for next Level: 50
    Overall activity: 15.4%
    Achievements:
    7 days registered500 Experience Points
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Posts
    244
    Points
    550
    Level
    10
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
    Rep Power
    38

    Default Re: Where is this going?

    so how would you go about this?

    call her out on her insecurity but in what way?

    i do want her to be my girlfirend, i just dont want to wait for her and then lose ny window of opportunity, im going to meet her parents this weekend, after is that a good opportunity to ask?

  4. #4
    artandale's Avatar
    artandale is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
    Points: 4,719, Level: 43
    Level completed: 85%, Points required for next Level: 31
    Overall activity: 53.0%
    Achievements:
    Social1000 Experience Points7 days registered
    Join Date
    May 2014
    Location
    Los Angeles, CA
    Posts
    820
    Points
    4,719
    Level
    43
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 3 Times in 3 Posts
    Rep Power
    238

    Default Re: Where is this going?

    its more about reframing her sh1ttests... what whitedragon is talking about isn't about making her feel bad--it's about a painting a verbal conversation between the two of you so you both can find what you're looking for. you could call her out on it--but i don't think that would help as much as reframing. by reframing i mean you're adjusting her points of topics with yours so she can see that you're willing to talk about them and not let her set the rules of the relationship as you also have a stake in the relationship and should have some kind of say too.
    Every moment counts, get out of your head and enjoy it.

  5. #5
    johnnybob62 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
    Points: 550, Level: 10
    Level completed: 50%, Points required for next Level: 50
    Overall activity: 15.4%
    Achievements:
    7 days registered500 Experience Points
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Posts
    244
    Points
    550
    Level
    10
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
    Rep Power
    38

    Default Re: Where is this going?

    artandale, how do i do that? how do i reframe her shit tests?

    i am meeting her parents this weekend, i feel after is a great opportunity to ask hwr to be my girlfriend.

  6. #6
    T-Mal's Avatar
    T-Mal is offline PUA All Star
    Points: 31,222, Level: 100
    Level completed: 0%, Points required for next Level: 0
    Overall activity: 0%
    Achievements:
    Social25000 Experience Points31 days registered
    Awards:
    Posting Award
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    Southern Michigan USA
    Posts
    2,558
    Points
    31,222
    Level
    100
    Thanks
    3
    Thanked 9 Times in 8 Posts
    Rep Power
    1391

    Default Re: Where is this going?

    Don't force the "boyfriend/girlfriend" title too soon.
    Just have fun & give her reasons to want to be your GF.

    Long distance relationships can work... for a while.
    But it DOES suck when you have to go back home (or she does).

    My girlfriend lived 2 hours away... but we made a point to get together every weekend... until I moved to live with her a couple weeks ago.

    But it sucked having to drive home after we had all that fun together for the weekend.
    But it also created lots of anticipation & Tension for the next visit.

    As long as you stay in communication & keep flirting / escalating, and making her look forward to seeing you the next time, it can work. (but it takes a lot of effort from BOTH of you.

    My GF & I would Skype every night. AND... we would spend the night together with Skype running while we slept. So when we woke up, we saw each other first thing in the morning.

    Kinda like a "cyber sleepover".

    Be cautious of the "EX-factor". My ex fiancee couldn't/wouldn't break communication with a couple of her exes. And it eventually poisoned the well so to speak.

    There was a short time when those other guys were "out of the picture" too... but they managed to work back in & I wasn't interested in dealing with it. So I left.


    Need one on one private coaching? PM me for details.

  7. #7
    artandale's Avatar
    artandale is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
    Points: 4,719, Level: 43
    Level completed: 85%, Points required for next Level: 31
    Overall activity: 53.0%
    Achievements:
    Social1000 Experience Points7 days registered
    Join Date
    May 2014
    Location
    Los Angeles, CA
    Posts
    820
    Points
    4,719
    Level
    43
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 3 Times in 3 Posts
    Rep Power
    238

    Default Re: Where is this going?

    she presents a situation she's willing to live with..
    you counter with those principles with what you're comfortable with...

    she says 'i only date tall guys because i'm tall'
    you say 'it takes a stronger guy to date tall women'

    she says 'i only kiss on the 2nd date'
    you say 'i only kiss girls i like on the 1st date'

    she says 'I like where we are right now in our "relationship" I'm just nervous to take things further but i guess we will see how it goes. I think going slow is the best way bc i really find you as a great guy and friend before i fall in love."
    you say 'I like the relationship too. but what i don't like personally... is labels. i don't like to put a label on my relationships because everyone's got a different meaning of what boyfriend, girlfriend, lover, ex or friend means. at the end of the day i want to just be able to share my time with someone who wants to share time with me. maybe that's you'

    those are just some examples of what i meant by reframing. the last one is a little long winded but it's got the gist of taking her points and readjusting to something that fits to what you're willing to compromise with. one important thing to note is that without labels in a relationship it means you'll have to define your rules in your relationship when you reach those points in your relationship. you can't just run wild--but you can build the proper foundation for something to grow. most people see this type of relationship building as a non-committal relationship which isn't 100% true--it really depends on what you want to do and what you both are willing to compromise for your relationship.
    Every moment counts, get out of your head and enjoy it.

  8. #8
    artandale's Avatar
    artandale is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
    Points: 4,719, Level: 43
    Level completed: 85%, Points required for next Level: 31
    Overall activity: 53.0%
    Achievements:
    Social1000 Experience Points7 days registered
    Join Date
    May 2014
    Location
    Los Angeles, CA
    Posts
    820
    Points
    4,719
    Level
    43
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 3 Times in 3 Posts
    Rep Power
    238

    Default Re: Where is this going?

    Quote Originally Posted by johnnybob62 View Post
    i am meeting her parents this weekend, i feel after is a great opportunity to ask hwr to be my girlfriend.
    i just saw this part just now.. don't ask her to be your girlfriend. be the first to initiate it because you've already acknowledged the fact that she's uncomfortable with the idea of defining those terms. what i mean by initiate is to be the first to bring up the idea of a committed relationship with a strong sense of openness... IF its something you're willing to do. otherwise don't say anything other than wanting to be in a relationship with her

    my suggestion say something like "i just wanna let you know, i think you're great. i can tell you're not ready for a lot of things, i can wait--not forever. but i feel good in saying this to you that when you're ready for some kind of relationship i'd be happy to talk about it with you. for now lets just keep whatever this is as is."

    if you look at the statement i presented above the framing is all positive and understanding with a slight cold read about her intentions for a relationship based upon what you said previously. it's important to state that you're willing to wait--but you can't wait forever because you're still a human being. it says you're willing to wait because you're happy enjoying your time. the closing portion of the statement is to keep what you said as not a big deal but a thought that should be considered for the future.

    going back to the subject of what you're considering which is asking her to commit to a relationship... i think you've got more than a 50% chance at her saying yes but she's clearly stated her fears. she's not ready for anything more than what you guys have right now. that's what i'm taking from everything you've said up to now. she's pretty much asking you to wait. by saying the statement i've proposed in this post it says that you've thought about everything, you know she's not ready, you're willing to wait and if you're happy you'll wait forever... but we all know that you can't be happy all the time forever.......

    this also means you're not chasing her. if you look at the situation it means you can push and pull things to your advantage to see if she's willing to commit to you if you play your cards right. i'm not talking about manipulating the situation by any means but if you start to social proof yourself a little more because you do feel comfortable with her and she does respond wanting more of your attention then it's clear she's probably somewhat jealous.. if you however start to become needy and show more signs of oneitis then you'll start to tear what you've been maintaining apart. you still have to play the attraction game to keep things alive if you want it to live on.
    Every moment counts, get out of your head and enjoy it.

  9. #9
    johnnybob62 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
    Points: 550, Level: 10
    Level completed: 50%, Points required for next Level: 50
    Overall activity: 15.4%
    Achievements:
    7 days registered500 Experience Points
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Posts
    244
    Points
    550
    Level
    10
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
    Rep Power
    38

    Default Re: Where is this going?

    Quote Originally Posted by artandale View Post
    i just saw this part just now.. don't ask her to be your girlfriend. be the first to initiate it because you've already acknowledged the fact that she's uncomfortable with the idea of defining those terms. what i mean by initiate is to be the first to bring up the idea of a committed relationship with a strong sense of openness... IF its something you're willing to do. otherwise don't say anything other than wanting to be in a relationship with her

    my suggestion say something like "i just wanna let you know, i think you're great. i can tell you're not ready for a lot of things, i can wait--not forever. but i feel good in saying this to you that when you're ready for some kind of relationship i'd be happy to talk about it with you. for now lets just keep whatever this is as is."

    if you look at the statement i presented above the framing is all positive and understanding with a slight cold read about her intentions for a relationship based upon what you said previously. it's important to state that you're willing to wait--but you can't wait forever because you're still a human being. it says you're willing to wait because you're happy enjoying your time. the closing portion of the statement is to keep what you said as not a big deal but a thought that should be considered for the future.

    going back to the subject of what you're considering which is asking her to commit to a relationship... i think you've got more than a 50% chance at her saying yes but she's clearly stated her fears. she's not ready for anything more than what you guys have right now. that's what i'm taking from everything you've said up to now. she's pretty much asking you to wait. by saying the statement i've proposed in this post it says that you've thought about everything, you know she's not ready, you're willing to wait and if you're happy you'll wait forever... but we all know that you can't be happy all the time forever.......

    this also means you're not chasing her. if you look at the situation it means you can push and pull things to your advantage to see if she's willing to commit to you if you play your cards right. i'm not talking about manipulating the situation by any means but if you start to social proof yourself a little more because you do feel comfortable with her and she does respond wanting more of your attention then it's clear she's probably somewhat jealous.. if you however start to become needy and show more signs of oneitis then you'll start to tear what you've been maintaining apart. you still have to play the attraction game to keep things alive if you want it to live on.
    This is what I want to do! I dont want to force a relationship on her but then what exactly is our relationship? She wants me to come meet her parents and stay at her house, i visit her she visits me. I text her every morning, she facetimes me every night.

    ALSO! How can I social proof myself? How can i not be needy/show signs of oneitis? What should I avoid doing?

    We have been talking for a little over 3 months now, and we got 2 moths of summer left. I planned on asking her to be my gf at the end of summer so we can be together at school but then I thought to myself what happens if she is just waiting for me to ask her but doesnt admit it and then i miss my window of opportunity..

    T-mal & Artandale, I cannot tell you guys how much you are helping me, i really appreciate it. Id buy both of you a beer if we were sitting together!

  10. #10
    artandale's Avatar
    artandale is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
    Points: 4,719, Level: 43
    Level completed: 85%, Points required for next Level: 31
    Overall activity: 53.0%
    Achievements:
    Social1000 Experience Points7 days registered
    Join Date
    May 2014
    Location
    Los Angeles, CA
    Posts
    820
    Points
    4,719
    Level
    43
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 3 Times in 3 Posts
    Rep Power
    238

    Default Re: Where is this going? She is still in school.

    Ill have to answer this when i get off work.. Its gonna require a lot of explaining on my part unless someone else wants to go first?
    Every moment counts, get out of your head and enjoy it.


Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
DMCA.com