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Thread: Girlfriend's male friend!!

  1. #1
    Johnny Strabler is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Girlfriend's male friend!!

    So I've been seeing this girl for much more than a year now, and it's been a roller coaster, like no other. Initially, things were going great, as they always seem to go, but then her male best friend began to cause problems in our relationship. Now, she's known the guy for a year before me granted, but the way they used to message and communicate was just not cool with me. He used to send her hugs and kisses, and so did she. Later, she told me that he actually used to like her at a point, which is not surprising, cause the guy's a complete chode.

    So naturally, this didn't sit down too well with me. She used to meet him every Thursday, and they used to go for rides on his bike, and watch movies/eat icecream together. First, she was hesitant, but gradually, she moved away from the guy. Yes, she did end up hiding it from me a couple of times, but those occasions were few and far between. Time passed, and I had to move all the way from India to the UK for my studies. The ldr was tough, but she by and large, stayed honest to me. She lied twice about him, but admitted it both times. He was completely out of our life. We still had trust issues, though. Both used to ask each other for constant snapchats, to prove where the other is. Then, disaster struck. I ended up lying about a lot to this girl, and she completely lost it. In a moment of weakness, I had called for an escort, while studying in the UK, though things didn't get out of hand. She found out about my ways, and ended up tearing my passport. This led to complete pandemonium, and it took a lot of time for things to return to normal. I eventually ended up leaving the UK, and coming back for her, because she just meant that much to me. Since then, things were going great, and we were happier than ever before.

    Two days back though, I began to suspect that she was talking to that dude again, and confronted her about it, albeit with humour. She blew her fuse and ended up saying a lot of stuff which provoked me. I lost it completely and called her a million times, shouted on the phone and called her residence at 3am. She went berserk the next day, and threatened to cut things off with me. I tried to reason with her, but she basically gave me an ultimatum- Let me talk to my male best friend, or leave my life. I just cannot imagine my life without her, and so I agreed. This is making me feel terrible though. I know how he is, and he definitely tries to brainwash her against me. He still likes her, and I fear that with his presence, things will never be the same between me and my girl again. I love her a lot, and she makes me happier than I've ever been. I just cannot imagine his presence in her life though. I really worry how it will affect things between me and my gf. I said yes at the moment, but am dying from inside, thinking of how terrible my life will be with them meeting like earlier again, and enjoying together.

    She says that he is like a brother, but if that was the case, he wouldn't like her. I'm in such a dilemma. Should I break off with her, and prevent long term pain? She does want to marry me eventually. Or should I not care about the guy, and just be the same chilled dude I normally am with her. I make her laugh like no one else, and our sex life is pretty good. I really hope he doesn't spoil those aspects of our relationship. I just wanted things to remain the same, with him out of our life, but I blew it completely. My friends tell me to leave her, but I just can't, she makes me so happy sometimes, and I have nobody else either. I just sit at home in India, and meet her. I hardly have any friends here. What should I do? I know I am coming across like a real loser, but that's pretty much where I'm at right now!!

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Girlfriend's male friend!!

    Whew. That was alot. Tough man. Tough.

    The male friend issue is a old and tiring one. It spans centuries lol. But I feel there is a difference between addressing an issue and reinforcing one. When you find yourself fighting about the same thing over and over it is no longer addressing an issue and it just makes things worse.

    When it comes to love you have to accept the person as a whole. Even the parts you don't like. It's just about what are you willing to live with. And buddy, a few odd texts are nothing to end a relationship. I've been through far far crazier things and I'm still with her and things are much more stable now. We still have bad times, but the crazy times are pretty much behind us.

    Should you be ok with her male friend? Absolutely not. You don't have to be. What you DO have to do is stop fighting about him. You're just pushing her away and into him. You gotta understand people are going to do what they want to do. You have to change her wanting to spend time with him to wanting to make you happy by not talking to him and you don't do that by trying to "reason" with her. That's the bad way on trying to approach this thing.

    In simple terms it's easier for opposite sex friends to just not exist. But that's not the world we live in. And the fact she knew him before she met you basically doesn't give you much right to dictate if she can be friends with him or not. You have to work around that.

    What to do? You have to show a bit of indifference when he comes up. When she says she's going to see him just say ok and become a little distance. Not miserable. Distant. Basically she only gets the best of you when she does what you like. That is the punishment /reward system. Arguing is actually a form of reward. But that's a whole other discussion.

    The other thing to do is a bit of reverse psychology. Say to her a few times over the course of the next month "People are going to do what they want to do. If you want to see him then go ahead. I know you will anyways. And I won't stop you."

    People tend to want to feel unique. So categorizing her as someone who does what they want can have an effect of her not wanting to be stereotyped and she will do the opposite. Sounds silly, but it works more often than it doesn't. And you telling her to go see him may provoke the feeling she does not want to be told what to do so again she may do the opposite. And saying "I know you will anyways" has the effect of you almost predicting her behavior and people tend to not like that either. Of course this is not guaranteed, but it can definitely work if done right at the right time.

    Don't overuse this statement otherwise it'll lose its power. Just say it a few times just to establish your views of the situation.

    If you ever need to talk about it again look at it as you are simply telling her what you don't like and not telling her what to do. It HAS to be her decision to not talk to him so don't take that away otherwise she'll just keep going back to him.
    "All things are subject to interpretation. Whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth."

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