So, I've been dating this girl for a year and a half now. Initially, as it always seems to be, things were great. We had a lot of fun, and she made me feel happier than ever before. I was in a bit of a miss, before she entered my life, and she helped me get out of it. We have since then, gone on a trip together from India to Hong Kong, and spent almost everyday together, to the extent that we became everything to each other. All the other aspects of my life, have suffered as a result. However, they went unnoticed, because I was just having such a good time with her.
The problems arose however, when her male 'best friend', a dude who likes her, but who she regards as her brother, started bothering me. She used to meet him every week, and that rubbed me the wrong way, as I had become extremely attached to her. I had 'the talk', and she agreed to keep him away. She did end up hiding it a few times, but once I caught her, she blocked him from her social accounts, and he was off for a long time.
Then, I ended up going abroad to study. The ldr really fucked us up. Both of us lied and hid stuff, though mine was admittedly worse than hers. When she found out, she went bonkers and threatened to break up. We talked things over and sorted them. After that, we have been pretty cool. I shifted back to India, to be with her, and give her security. She in turn, promised to completely break all contact with that guy. Now, maybe it was because I had taken such a big step for a girl, or maybe I'm just plain insecure, but I constantly worried about her lying or hiding to me. I confronted her about it, and she rebuked me for not trusting her. I tried to make her understand that when a dude takes such a big step in his life, and gives up on his studies for a girl, he would always worry about her screwing him over, or taking him for granted. She reassured me that things were fine, but her behaviour has been seeming extremely shady.
Once she told me, that since I'm doubting her, she's gonna openly talk to that dude, since she wants to be free. I decided to be chilled about it, and told her it's fine, and I'll trust her. I have tried my best since then, but her behaviour is extremely weird. She hardly EVER responds to my calls. Like never. She has forbidden me from calling on her residence, since her parents get pissed. She barely comes online, and when she does, it's late at night. All her male friends, and that dude as well, also either stay offline, or remain online till late at night. I worry about her using another phone/sim. I worry about her going out, and not telling me. I really wouldn't mind it, anymore. I just want her to tell me. I never suspected cheating, merely lying, but now, I suspect cheating as well. She is always out, on the pretext of work, and remains quite irritable on chat. She only cheers up when we meet, since I tend to make the mood lighter, and she enjoys having fun. When we meet, things are great. In fact, they have never been better. Our sex life is great. We stay happy and laugh a lot, even though, she's been giving me much lesser time than normal.
I am enjoying so much with her, on days we meet, and just don't wanna let go; But, I just can't shake away this feeling of doom. She doesn't even talk of marriage, or my career that much anymore. She was crazy serious about us getting hitched. Recently, she told me very casually, that her parents are looking for guys for her. When I asked her whether she's still sure that she wants to marry me, she said that it would depend on my career, and then quickly changed it to, "Oh, I meant that the timing would depend on your career, not marriage itself". I am beginning to feel extremely insecure, but at the same time, when we meet, things are awesome. I am pretty sure, she is hiding a lot from me. I just hope she isn't cheating. I can't confront her without proof, but her distant behaviour, and timings are surely pointing to something being off. Just yesterday, she told me that she was with her family. Her phone was switched off, and no family member of hers posted anything about a get together online. She doesn't clearly answer me anymore, and starts blaming me for doubting her. I can't keep following and stalking her.*
I don't wanna lose her, but I just can't think beyond the concept of a monogamous relationship either. I have a feeling things aren't exclusive from her side anymore, but there's nothing I can do about it!! She disappears every night, and my calls always go unanswered!! She says she's working (she's a designer), but EVERY night? And at night? Especially, on weekends? That friend of hers, doesn't work on weekends. She is most distant, on those days. It just doesn't make sense to me. I wish she would be honest, about it. I'd probably forgive her, since we're so happy, when we're together. I just worry that if this girl ends up flaking me at the fuckin altar, I'd have sacrificed everything for nothing, and I really don't want that to happen.
What should I do? Should I build abundance in my own life, so that her cheating/not cheating doesn't matter to me anymore? I know this sounds rather silly, but when I look at her, I feel instant attraction, and don't think letting go will be that easy. I have subtly enquired about an open relationship, if she wants freedom, but she's completely against it. I just want her to be honest with me, about stuff. We have great chemistry, but the insecurities ruin everything!!