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  • 2 Post By drgnsfire12
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Thread: Help With Hot to Cold

  1. #1
    Octivio is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Help With Hot to Cold

    Hello folks. I've never posted about a relationship problem here before, but this time I was compelled to.

    So I'm dating this girl I met at work( she's the new parts runner). There was an immediate attraction as soon as we met. I played it cool and casually said hi as I walked by and she went and asked my boss who that cute guy was. Mind you she's a 10 and I was in my dirty work clothes so we were off to a good start. The next time I introduced myself, the time after that I got her number and the time after that arranged a date.

    She's a country girl and we went horseback riding for the first date and talked a lot. Turned out we had a ton of stuff in common. She said it's the most fun she's had on a first date. Lots of IOIs. Things were going great we stayed in contact with phone and text and I'd see her at work when she stopped by. Everyone knew and thought we were a great fit.

    Since we're both musicians and photographers I had the idea we could have a picnic and play some music and take some pictures. She loved that idea and sounded super excited. Now where the problems arise. The day of she cancels because she was sick. Okay I'll give her the benefit of the doubt that time.

    The next week I was invited to a 1950s dance party on Saturday. Naturally I thought to bring her. She said she loves dancing and based on her reaction and follow up questions was really excited. Now the Friday before I say we should go to dinner. She was down for that and we planned to meet at my house right after work and head out. Literally the last minute she cancels with this text and hits me with this out of the blue:

    "OK ya know, I hate to say this. But maybe a little more time would be good. I'm feeling a little bit down today and probably not date proper. To be fair and honest I just came out of a year long relationship that I'm not over yet. :/ You're cute and seem like a good guy with really really good fun date ideas... but I'm not sure I'm in the right mind frame for dating at the moment. It's only fair I let you know."

    Now I do know she really did just get out of a relationship and she's pretty depressed so it's not a total BS excuse. My question how should I proceed from here? I already went no contact and it's been several days. I don't want to walk away because this was a tough one to find. I'm planning on giving it some time then contacting her again. I've avoided any AFC behavior and I'm keeping my composure even though I got a bit of oneitis with this one.

    Thoughts and advice appreciated!

  2. #2
    drgnsfire12 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Help With Hot to Cold

    You should have downplayed it ..... "hey girl slow down, who said anything about dating or a relationship ..... I just wanted to go out and have a good time ...... you're allowed to have a good time right ???" ..... by the way, how is the no contact working at work ????
    "The purpose of our lives is to be happy" - his Holiness the Dalai Llama of Tibet

  3. #3
    fancy16 is offline PUA in Training Achievements:
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    Default Re: Help With Hot to Cold

    Well, give her time then. Even though you can say you didn't plan a relationship but you had some great time with her. Then again, you planned dates so she took this as some kind of a relationship. You should text her from time to time and let her know that whenever she is ready you can go somewhere. Maybe just to take a coffee, no obligations. Let this be an excuse for you to see her and over time get closer to her heart

  4. #4
    Kvn07 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Help With Hot to Cold

    Yep, agree with drgnsfire 100%

    Going no contact here was a big mistake!! By going no contact you've basically thrown a 2 year old's tantrum. Your best asset to almost anything she throws at you is to remain non-reactive.

    If I were you, I would make a quick and simple apology for disappearing on her and downplay it exactly as said before.

    I had a similar experience last year that will hopefully show it in action (Advice On Strange Last Minute Flake.. Kinda Urgent!! If you want to read the whole thing)
    But in a nutshell; everything was going great, we were getting along great, loads of flirting etc. had the date set up like a week in advance and then completely out of the blue and mid conversation..

    Her: Sorry!! To be completely honest..I'm not good at this 'dating' game and I've been talking to this guy and I think it would be dorky of me to go bowling with you!

    Me: Hey sorry, it's been super busy today
    Na it's all good, if you don't think it would be a good idea we can leave it..
    Also, I think we may have differing opinions on the term dork hey lol

  5. #5
    drgnsfire12 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Help With Hot to Cold

    Kvn, that's a tuff text to get but a great response from you ..... that's how it should be done, be a man not a baby !!!!!!
    "The purpose of our lives is to be happy" - his Holiness the Dalai Llama of Tibet

  6. #6
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    Default Re: Help With Hot to Cold

    Drgnsfires text is good, and as kvn said, being non-reactive is key. There's good times and bad times to not respond to a text. Good times: When the conversation is basically over or when she's acting b!tchy. I will disagree with the above posters about not responding if she flakes at the last minute. If she flaked within an hour of the date you were already taking time to get prepared hence she wasted your time. If she had reservations she should have told you before that.

    In my book that's unacceptable and I wouldn't tolerate it. That would be her last and only chance. Back when I was a big AFC I had women cancel on me all the time right before the date and I would continue to be "ok" with it. Guess what, they kept doing it, and they didn't give two sh!ts about it.

    There's two options here. You can not text her back at all then be super friendly and act like nothing happened when you see her at work. This will give her a roller coaster of emotions. She'll be like "wtf he's pissed at me because he didn't text me back" then you act like nothing ever happened and she'll start to think "maybe he's not mad. maybe he just doesn't care. Did I miss my chance?". This can definitely work but you need to sell it when you see her in person and literally act like nothing happened.

    The second option is you can text her back something like drgnsfire wrote. I have a different style so I would go with something like "I'm glad you brought this up. It's very unhealthy to jump from a relationship to dating so quickly, especially if you're not over it. I need to date a woman who is fully present and I don't think you can give that too me. Besides I already had reservations about dating someone I worked with. I'm glad we're on the same page :-)" Then you act like nothing happened when you see her at work. This would essentially turn the tables on her.

    A few other things. Did you kiss her on the first date? If you didn't you should have!! Also, don't ever believe what a woman tells you when she decides she doesn't want to see you. It's almost always a lie. They'll tell you whatever they can to make the situation comfortable for them under the guise of "not hurting your feelings". I don't care if she just got out of a relationship, if she liked you enough it wouldn't matter. I have multiple friends who are women and they lie ALL THE TIME to guys they don't want to see. When I tease them about it they tell me "I only do it so I don't hurt his feelings". It makes sense if you think about it, women are non-confrontational by nature. If they tell you "I don't like you" they are being confrontational.

    I really think you still have a chance with this girl. I just want you to realize that there's more going on then just her "getting out of a relationship" and that you should always be very skeptical of the reasons women will give you.

  7. #7
    Octivio is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Help With Hot to Cold

    Good advice here. I'm going to text her later and downplay the whole thing. At the moment I got that message from her I thought it would be better to say nothing than say the wrong thing in the wrong state of mind since it caught me off guard.

  8. #8
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    Default Re: Help With Hot to Cold

    ^^ That's a very good Mindset too have. It's always better to wait until you've collected yourself.


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