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Thread: Progressing into something serious?

  1. #1
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    Default Progressing into something serious?

    In the 2-3 years since I started studying PU, results have been great!

    Out of that success I have dated 3 girls that have had LTR potential, admittedly the second was during a lull in numbers so there was a small amount of one-itis contributing but I think that affected the break up more than anything.

    HB1: Used some basic pick up methods at a mates party, was still really new to the game and very much AFC. Basically I hung around for 3 months, didn't have a lot going on in my life so became pretty dependant and way too available, she ended it with "don't know what I'm looking for", I was heart broken.. blah blah blah lol

    HB2: Fast forward just over a year; Picked her up at my gym's Christmas party with some seriously tight game!! Smoking hot, we got along like a house on fire, sex was amazing and regular, we hit the magic 3 month mark and everything turned upside down. It ended in a drunken fight because she was waiting for me to bring the topic up of us becoming something serious, while I was just enjoying the ride and waiting for her to bring it up. We never recovered from the fight and we ended a few weeks later.

    Latest (and current) HB: Met this one online last year, single mum, went on a date then back to her place and f-closed (around July last year), kept up basic contact since then and in early Jan this year, went to her house to help her look for a new car, we were laying in her bed just talking and unintentionally f-closed, spent the next 3 weekends together and have been seeing each other since.
    This one's just hit the same magic mark as the last two! 3 months in and it's all going pear shaped. she's saying that I deserve better than her and I need to stop talking to her because she comes with too much baggage.

    So my dilemma is this: Every time my relationships start to get a little more serious and close to being something, they fall to sh1t!!

    I'm at a stage where I want to get serious and settle down with someone, so while I know there's plenty of girls out there, I'm not interested in jumping from one fling to the next for the rest of my life.
    Is there a transition process to move into that next stage of dating? Or is this all just one big crazy coincidence?!

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Progressing into something serious?

    Quote Originally Posted by Kvn07 View Post
    I'm at a stage where I want to get serious and settle down with someone
    Then this is the perfect time to stop looking. The best relationships are the ones you stumble upon. I'll run hard game for months or until I want a relationship, then I stop. I still flirt with girls & hang out with them on a casual friend level because that's healthy, but no dates or hook ups.

    My best advice: Stop looking.
    I wish I was little bit taller
    I wish I was a baller
    I wish I had a girl who looked good
    I would call her - Skee Lo, the OG AFC

  3. #3
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    Default Re: Progressing into something serious?

    If you want something more serious, and you like the girl you're with, then make it more serious with her! There's definitely something about the three month mark that I've noticed as well. Either it becomes something at that time or it fizzles out.

    If you want something more serious with your current girl go ahead and tell her. Next time you see her and you two are having an intimate moment look her straight in the eye and tell her "I want you to be my girlfriend" if she feels the same way her face will immediately brighten up.

    I usually wait for a girl to bring up the relationship talk but once it hits the three month mark it's TOTALLY acceptable to bring it up yourself. The common advice in the community is to wait for the girl to bring it up because most guys will bring it up WAY too early. This prevents most guys from blowing it. In your case you've been seeing (and I hope sleeping) with this girl for 3 months, which is a long enough period for YOU to bring it up if that's what you want.

    Honestly, you could have made the second girl be your girlfriend as well. Her making a big deal about it was the perfect opportunity but you blew it by arguing with her. If you would have played it differently (like talking to her instead of arguing) she would have been yours. Regardless, you have an opportunity right now if that's what you want. Take it, you'll be rewarded.

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  5. #4
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    Default Re: Progressing into something serious?

    Thanks guys!

    @Bimmer: I like that theory! It's the same as nights out; the best ones are never planned! I'm not exactly 'looking' though, just doing my thing, gaming girls and dating the ones of value.

    @Direct: I'm glad I'm not the only one noticing this! I've been trying to backtrack through all our interactions for somewhere I'm getting lazy lol
    Yeah I've always followed that theory (let them bring up the relationship talk) pretty blindly and I think it got me into trouble waiting so long and not taking charge. At this point I don't really have much to lose so I'm thinking screw it, balls to the wall!!

    Do you think there is anything to her argument of her feeling like I "deserve better" than her? As best as I can remember she said "You need to stop talking to me. You deserve to have your own family and be happy. I have baggage and I don't want to put you through it."

    Oh and as for the second girl, I didn't argue with her about it. She brought it up while we were in bed drunk and I told her she needed to talk to me when she was sober. I can't even remember what the argument was about now, but we talked the next day and kinda went back and forth for a few weeks and we ended it.

  6. #5
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    Default Re: Progressing into something serious?

    Quote Originally Posted by Kvn07 View Post
    @Direct: I'm glad I'm not the only one noticing this! I've been trying to backtrack through all our interactions for somewhere I'm getting lazy lol
    Yeah I've always followed that theory (let them bring up the relationship talk) pretty blindly and I think it got me into trouble waiting so long and not taking charge. At this point I don't really have much to lose so I'm thinking screw it, balls to the wall!!

    Do you think there is anything to her argument of her feeling like I "deserve better" than her? As best as I can remember she said "You need to stop talking to me. You deserve to have your own family and be happy. I have baggage and I don't want to put you through it."
    Like I said before, I always tell guys to let the woman bring it up because they usually want to bring it up WAY too early. The longest relationship I ever had I brought up the subject around the three month mark and it went very well.

    At this point it's either going to be something more or it will end. I even read somewhere that people go through life phases every 90 days and that these periods hold psychological importance.

    I wouldn't put too much thought into her statements. She could have just been moody at the time or testing you to see how you'd react. Women say crazy things all the time. I'm always astonished that men believe every little detail that women tell them. The women I've been in LTR's with would say random stuff but I wouldn't put any thought into it. The only thing you should concern yourself with is if they are hanging out with you on a regular basis, enjoying themselves, and investing in you.

    Good cues that she wants to be in a relationship with you are

    -Over time she wants to spend more and more time together (you WERE hanging out once a week and now it's multiple times a week)
    -She wants you to meet her family
    -She starts doing nice things for you
    -She mentions that you're her boyfriend even if it's not official
    -She starts to contact you ALLOT more frequently

    These are basic things and I'm having some troubles really articulating the details but you should KNOW when she's ready. Go ahead and bring it up. If she doesn't want that she'll tell you. Then it's time to tell her what you want and cut the cord with her. There's no point in wasting anymore of your time if you both want different things.

  7. #6
    Kvn07 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Progressing into something serious?

    Thanks mate,

    Totally agree with everything you've said and I'm almost certain I'm overthinking things now

    Quote Originally Posted by DirectIsBest View Post
    Like I said before, I always tell guys to let the woman bring it up because they usually want to bring it up WAY too early.
    This is one of the first things I remember learning and I guess there's a bit of a grey area surrounding it, or maybe I just failed to see the true point of it in my haste to learn all this new information lol

    Quote Originally Posted by DirectIsBest View Post
    At this point it's either going to be something more or it will end. I even read somewhere that people go through life phases every 90 days and that these periods hold psychological importance.
    Hence my balls to the wall approach! At this point it's all or nothing.

    Quote Originally Posted by DirectIsBest View Post
    I wouldn't put too much thought into her statements. She could have just been moody at the time or testing you to see how you'd react. Women say crazy things all the time. I'm always astonished that men believe every little detail that women tell them. The women I've been in LTR's with would say random stuff but I wouldn't put any thought into it. The only thing you should concern yourself with is if they are hanging out with you on a regular basis, enjoying themselves, and investing in you.
    Yeah she brought it up once before and I played it off like it was nothing. I did the same on the weekend when she said it, I just told her that she was being ridiculous and that she was starting to annoy me by talking like that. Not sure if that was handled correctly or not.

    Quote Originally Posted by DirectIsBest View Post
    These are basic things and I'm having some troubles really articulating the details but you should KNOW when she's ready. Go ahead and bring it up. If she doesn't want that she'll tell you. Then it's time to tell her what you want and cut the cord with her. There's no point in wasting anymore of your time if you both want different things.
    Asked this same question over the weekend, I wouldn't have hesitated in being certain she's ready! Some shit went down with her ex and her son on Sunday night, however, and since then contact has been scarce, she's taking forever to reply to messages and her overall investment seems low. This is where I'm pretty sure I'm just overthinking everything but you couldn't have articulated that last sentence any better so I'll put it to her tonight and see where it ends up

  8. #7
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    Default Re: Progressing into something serious?

    Ahhh so she's having baby daddy troubles. That's never good. It's possible there are some psychological issues and she's not ready for a commitment right now. Sometimes when women tell you something they do mean it, it's just better to play it off like it's not a big deal because you never know. When you get defensive you lose.

    It might be better for you to bring it up AFTER this rough patch ends. I'm not sure if you did already or not but I would wait a week or two when she's in a better mind state. Regardless it needs to be addressed soon. If you want a relationship and she doesn't then there's no point in continuing. You could be spending time with someone else who wants the same thing as you.

    There's one thing I've learned that never fails; If you think you might be over thinking things you definitely ARE! If you think things are complicated they become complicated. If you think things are easy they become easy. The best thing for you to do is bring it up. If she declines then you stay non-emotional, respect her decision, and reaffirm what you're looking for. This is where you say "hey I understand why you feel the way you do, and I respect that. I think you are really awesome and I enjoy spending time with you but we're both looking for different things. I think it's best that we see other people." Then you walk out and don't contact her again. She'll either come around or she won't. Regardless you'll get what you want. You'll either have a girlfriend or you can find a new girl that wants a relationship like you.

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  10. #8
    Kvn07 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Progressing into something serious?

    No it sucks for her, and I get that but I don't think the commitment side is a problem.

    She lives about 30 minutes away so I had to resort to talking to her over the phone (certainly not my first option but what do you do?). Anyway, it's not something she wants right now so I just ran standard exit game (much the same as you suggested), wished her well and we left it at that.

    Quote Originally Posted by DirectIsBest View Post
    It might be better for you to bring it up AFTER this rough patch ends. I'm not sure if you did already or not but I would wait a week or two when she's in a better mind state. Regardless it needs to be addressed soon. If you want a relationship and she doesn't then there's no point in continuing. You could be spending time with someone else who wants the same thing as you.
    I had this same thought as I was already mid conversation with her. In hindsight it would have been a much better option to leave it alone for another week or so but the fact that she just dropped communication without any sort of heads up meant it wasn't that easy for me. Surely there's an argument for not putting up with being treated like that?

    The only thing left seriously bugging me is how she literally flipped on a dime overnight! Just last week we were talking about spending a 4day weekend together and all these other future projections. I had even noticed the dynamics of her texts had changed to where she was messaging me about wishing I was there in the mornings to cuddle with her and she was finishing her texts with xx.
    Actually it's sounding a lot like it would have been better left alone! Stupid hindsight lol

    Oh well, live and learn I guess. And thank fuck for tinder haha


    I'm not sure why I bothered including the below section (probably more of a vent than anything) but there's a few more details that may unlock a reason or two so feel free to read it and add any thoughts if you'd like.
    So she was supposed to pick her son up on Sunday night. She went to meet her ex and exchange but he was being a real asshole & wouldn't let the son leave with her. I don't have kids so I can't imagine what that would do to someone but she was pretty upset about it, and understandably so! So much so she apparently fell in a mess in the shopping centre car park!!
    Anyway we were supposed to hang out on Monday when I was home from a family trip, but obviously when I spoke to her she wasn't in a good place for that. She was at her friends place at the time so I told her to go and hang with her and call me when she left, and that's where the communication basically stopped.


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