I get “how do I get my ex back” questions every so often. Thought you guys might be interested in my answer. Here goes:
1. Make sure she really is worth this effort.
Make sure you’re not into this because she’s “the one who got away.” Lots of women got away if she’s the one you think about, then it’s natural to want what you can’t have. But, if you get her back – are you sure you’re going to want her? Or will the attraction disappear when she’s no longer a challenge?
If it’s even partly the latter, stay away. I don’t want to get all preachy, but you can do a lot more damage playing on your ex’s feelings than you could flirting with a new girl.
2. Do you think your ex is “as good as you’re going to get?”
The irony here is that if you feel that way, you’re unlikely to get her back. And if you do get her back, you’re going to lose her... again. You MUST get over this hump. Or you will repeat the cycle.
Back when I used to do phone consultations, I saw this way too often. A client would take my advice on how to get her back but ignore the inner game stuff necessary to keep her. I’m told from other instructors that this still happens.
I can’t solve inner game issues in a few paragraphs – we have a highly popular all-day seminar for that, led by the experts. No matter how great she is, you can date women who are equally interesting. You got her, right? Why can’t you get someone of equal quality again?
Unless you are 100% convinced (really convinced... not faking it) that you can attract women at and above her level, you WILL lose her.
3. Minimize contact with her for a few months.
Let me list a few things that are unattractive to most women:
o Big, fat, hairy beer bellies
o Their best friend’s kid brother who follows them around like a puppy dog
o Adult diapers
o The ex-boyfriend who hangs around everywhere and wants her back
If you want her back, it will show. You need some distance. Even if you think it won’t show, or that you’re “not doing anything” - it probably will and you probably are, even without noticing.
Say you and her happen to be at the same party. You’re minding your own business and having fun. All cool, right? But she might think it’s “weird” or want to hook up with someone and see your presence as a “c0kkblock” – even if you’re not even remotely paying attention to what she’s doing. And then she can get frustrated and feel like you’re stalking, or not over her yet (some woman’s favorite stories to tell revolve exclusively around “men who want me”), and so on. And then she’ll actually believe it. Even if it’s completely illogical. It’s emotion, not logic.
4. If you’re in her social circle...
Maybe you have friends in common and you’re in the same extended social circle. In that case, minimize your time together without making it seem like you’re going out of your way to avoid her.
Don’t talk about her. If someone brings her up and placid silence isn’t an option, be positive about her and change the subject. This goes double for her dating life. It goes triple for the breakup.
Don’t show off. Don’t go out of your way to bring other women around her or mutual friends. Live your life and do what you’d normally do, but err on the side of caution.
Yes, Pre-selection (being attractive to other women) is one of the key things that attract especially beautiful women. But, you don’t want her to feel that you are pre-selected bit by bit. When you re-initiate in a few months (see below), you want it to be a big bang. You want her wondering, “who is this guy I let get away?”
Something about you should change before you re-initiate contact. (We’ll get to the biggest change you need to make, next.) Whether it’s a new job, a new hobby, a change to your dress style, something – and it need only be one thing – should change.
Since women are attracted first and then figure out the “reasons” later, you want to make it as easy as possible for women to find reasons to be interested in you, once you’ve hit some attraction spikes. These “reasons” can be arbitrary. I’ve had women insist... INSIST that they slept with me because I’m a Libra and Libras are so balanced and in touch with themselves. Or because I drink gin. Or because I have “nice eyes.” They even believe it at the time. In reality, they slept with me because I made them FEEL that they wanted me. Only afterward did they look for reasons.
So, you need to help her out with some kind of arbitrary change so she notices something different when you re-initiate contact. This also reinforces that you should stay away from her in the meantime. It’s hard to notice change when you’re too close. You’ll never see the grass grow by staring at it.
6. Get better with women in general.
Yes, I know you’re still convinced that you just want that one girl. I don’t care. In fact, I won’t even believe you until you’ve shown me that you can get women who are as attractive as (or more than) her, and that you still want her. Otherwise, my guess is you’re rationalizing, just like a woman who sleeps with me because I’m a Libra.
But, even if I did believe you, I still wouldn’t care. You still need to get better with women in general. Think of top golfer Tiger Woods. He rarely trains for any specific golf course. He practices the fundamentals of golf – driving, putting, and so on. Maybe before a tournament he refreshes a bit on the course, but that’s it. Tiger Woods gets better at golf; he doesn’t get better at a specific golf course.
For all of this to have an effect, you need to get better with women in general. (Usually that means a bootcamp or one-on-one coaching. But, you can also make a ton of progress using Magic Bullets with Vol. 2 of the Routines Manual and sorting out any gaps with the advanced interview series.)
Learn the skills. Get experience using them. Success breeds success. Women can “smell” a man who is comfortable with beautiful women and able to keep up with them. And men who are not.
7. Then, and only then, re-initiate contact.
When you’re ready – that is, when you are confidently and consistently attracting women who are as attractive as her or better – only then can you re-initiate contact with her from a position of strength.
Whatever you do, when you re-initiate make her feel emotionally close to you but not physically (or you miss the opportunity physically because your logistics were wrong) you’ll doom yourself to yet more time in “Let’s Just Be Friends” land.
This is an especially big risk if you guys have already broken up once.
8. Don’t mess it up again.
When you re-initiate contact with her, act like you’re in the “Dating/Undefined” category of relationships. Dating/Undefined is somewhat like treating every time you see her as the 2nd or 3rd date. Have that frame.
If you’re not familiar with this, you might need a refresher on Relationship Management. Our course covers everything from how to get into every kind of relationship (one girlfriend, threesomes, multiple girlfriends, one night stands, hookups, etc.), to how to manage each one, how to move between, and more. It’s also the only place where we released “the model” – how you can predict when and how your girlfriend might cheat and also what you can do about it (it’s not what you think).
It’s gone wrong once. Don’t let it go wrong again. My current girlfriend and I have broken up a couple of times, so I know where you’re coming from.