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  1. #1
    Shinra Guest

    Exclamation Caught completely off guard, regaining attraction

    Dear everyone,

    I'm not sure this topic goes right in this section, but it was the closest one.

    I will try to make the long story short. Sorry if this first post is going to be a little long.
    Though I have always been interested into deep understanding human nature, I have only recently come in contact with this awesome community of lovers of mankind .
    I got all this stuff as a challenge for my self-growth, and tried it right away.

    I was impressed by the effectiveness of that consciousness: I was immediately able to meet a girl at a party, date her a few days later and that same day kiss-close her.
    Everything went extremely smooth, most of all, I must admit it, because I was taking things pretty lightly.

    Two days after the kiss-close, I had to go out of town for about two weeks; she came running at the port to kiss me, bring me a cake for the travel, and reading me some poetry.
    I was deeply impressed.
    Over the course of the next weeks we kept in touch almost every day, and things were pretty intimate and romantic.
    I indeed grew attached to her, curse me!

    However, just a few days before I was about to come back to town, she had planned a 10 days-trip with some friends.
    During this trip too, nevertheless, even if it could be quite costly to make out-of-country calls, she kept calling me and writing emails, telling me that she wished I was with her and all that good jazz.

    When she comes back, we settle for a date the next day.
    At the date, she keeps the distance, and, at some point, tells me that she had kissed another guy the last day she was on the trip.

    I get completely caught off guard, though I don't freak out. I keep it cool, and she's quite impressed by my reaction, as she says she had expected me to tell her to fark off.
    I didn't see any reason to do that anyway, since we had been dating for so little anyway, but I understand the point is not that she kissed another guy, but that her attention is now completely drawn to that guy (this is how I see it).

    I honestly don't know what to say — what could have I? I just ask her what does she want to do, and she answers with a "I don't know, but this is not a Goodbye".
    I understand that what she means is that she's going to take a step back.
    Honestly, I don't want to be noone puppet or be the noone's good samaritan.
    I tell her that this may be a goodbye; I say (not word-for-word): “The point is that I like you, and if you want me to take a step back now, that's not going to happen. You have to sort your feelings out and let me know. But do so soon, because I have no intention to wait for too long.” (I know waiting for too long can be devastating for me).

    I wait three days and we don't get in touch at all. Then I text her and ask to meet her, she agrees and we meet.
    As we speak, I ask her what has she decided and she legitimately tells me she has not decided anything, as she wishes things could just flow naturally.
    In my heart I agree with her, I just hate to rationalize these kind of stuff, let alone to give the girl the power to decide over me (I guess that was a dlv from my part).

    I tell her: "I agree with you, I would also like for things to flow naturally: but if I were to act naturally, I would actually be kissing you right now. I'm not doing so because I respect your feelings (AFC alarm!)”.
    She looks striken though, and we spend the next two hours walking hand in hand, or arm in arm or with me holding her.
    I try to kiss her twice:
    once she pulls me in a hug and whispers: “wait…”
    The second time, as I look her into her eyes, she cheekely scolds me saying: “Behave yourself!”, I smile and say something like: “Totally behaving myself right now.” and again we hug.

    As we say goodbye to eachother she hugs me twice.

    Ok, so, the point being:
    I am aware she's still interested in me, and I still have opportunity. That's why I am writing: because I don't want to make any false move. I am already in check, as I see it: because I told her I like her and she knows I am accessible to her, which I kinda see it's a big turn off. I gave her the power, but I guess not all is lost.
    What should my next move be? Disappear until she looks for me? Make contact with her like we did when she was indeed super-attracted, as to summon that frame? or just to let her understand how she feels good about me? I just think this pushing myself too much in is a bit detrimental.
    On the other hand, guys, to be honest to you, I really thinki she's a great girl and I am having an hard time not to freak out right now.

    Ok, sorry for the extremely long post, I hope I'll get some feedback from you guys.

    神羅

  2. #2
    learninglegend is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: Caught completely off guard, regaining attraction

    This is a textbook Freeze Out situation. Freeze her out for a week to start with. Don't text, email, or Facebook her. If she contacts you she still wants you in her life. But if she doesn't contact you, sorry mate, forget her and move on.

    The fact that you broke contact for a few days and you contacted her, tells me that she isn't interested. By telling you that she needs time, she is stringing you along.

    Go clubbing have a good time, and be seen with other women

  3. #3
    Shinra Guest

    Default Re: Caught completely off guard, regaining attraction

    Thanks for the advice.
    I understand I should not contact her, but how to behave in the event of her making a move?
    That aspect of the Freeze Out has always confused me.
    The point of freeze out is, as I understand it, to punish wrong behaviour and reward good behaviour; so, in theory, when she demonstrate interest I should reward her with some interest. Is that correct?

    神羅

  4. #4
    Grimbo Guest

    Default Re: Caught completely off guard, regaining attraction

    But you need to REALLY punish bad behavior with a hella Freeze Out .

  5. #5
    learninglegend is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: Caught completely off guard, regaining attraction

    Quote Originally Posted by Shinra View Post
    Thanks for the advice.
    I understand I should not contact her, but how to behave in the event of her making a move?
    That aspect of the Freeze Out has always confused me.
    The point of freeze out is, as I understand it, to punish wrong behaviour and reward good behaviour; so, in theory, when she demonstrate interest I should reward her with some interest. Is that correct?

    神羅
    I guess it can be seen as a punishment. And lets face it, after what she did she should be (of course, if you didn't discuss being bf and gf I would let this slide).

    The point of a freeze out is to instil a feeling of loss. She has to MISS YOU to come back. Seriously go out, get pics for facebook and be seen with other women :-)

  6. #6
    Shinra Guest

    Default Re: Caught completely off guard, regaining attraction

    So a hella Freeze Out is just to avoid any first move towards her, or also to be cold and distant in the event of she contacting me? To what point is that acceptable? I would guess it would be fine to appear not to be making a big deal out of it, right? I mean, the point of a freeze out is not to be unfriendly or stiff, is it?

    The idea of getting Facebook pics with other women is a good idea on how to get her to know I'm seeing other women; though in my country putting party pics on Facebook is not as common as it is elsewhere.
    Still, nice idea.

    神羅

  7. #7
    Martano Guest

    Default Re: Caught completely off guard, regaining attraction

    Definitely go with the Freeze Out. Party pics would be ideal as people let their hair down and act crazy for pictures. But whatever is appropriate to your culture could still work. Like a picture of you with girls you know at your local shopping mall, main street, downtown or whatever!! Just be seen as active and having a good time. That should arouse her interest if she has any.

    But remember, don't contact her until she contacts you!!

  8. #8
    Shinra Guest

    Default Re: Caught completely off guard, regaining attraction

    Ok guys, thanks to you all for the help.
    Now for the next step.

    She has contacted me on the Facebook chat with an excuse of a reason. I've been kinda cocky, and disinterested. Used a time constraint when she was actually engaging the discussion — I said my flatmates cooked me dinner and I had to go (also implying that I have a life with people). It was nevertheless true, though I actually had brought my laptop on the table to continue discussing.
    Everytime I said: "Alright, bye!", she was engaging with some sorta sentence, so she wanted to keep me on.
    I negged her on almost every sentence, and she was either laughing or calling me jerk.
    Then I just said bye and logged off.

    Didn't speak of us, or even mentioned "see you" at the end of the convo.

    Now, what's next?
    She showed me some interest, does it mean I am allowed to contact her or should I wait for another couple of moves from her?
    I should reward interest with interest, right? But, as I understand it, I should reward that move with a little less interest compared to what she gave me; so, in a case like this, where she contacts me on FB chat, I shouldn't like call her or text her, right?

    I understand this is a delicate situation and would really appreciate feedback in order to avoid botching miserably

    神羅

  9. #9
    learninglegend is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: Caught completely off guard, regaining attraction

    Quote Originally Posted by Shinra View Post
    Ok guys, thanks to you all for the help.
    Now for the next step.

    She has contacted me on the Facebook chat with an excuse of a reason. I've been kinda cocky, and disinterested. Used a time constraint when she was actually engaging the discussion — I said my flatmates cooked me dinner and I had to go (also implying that I have a life with people). It was nevertheless true, though I actually had brought my laptop on the table to continue discussing.
    Everytime I said: "Alright, bye!", she was engaging with some sorta sentence, so she wanted to keep me on.
    I negged her on almost every sentence, and she was either laughing or calling me jerk.
    Then I just said bye and logged off.

    Didn't speak of us, or even mentioned "see you" at the end of the convo.

    Now, what's next?
    She showed me some interest, does it mean I am allowed to contact her or should I wait for another couple of moves from her?
    I should reward interest with interest, right? But, as I understand it, I should reward that move with a little less interest compared to what she gave me; so, in a case like this, where she contacts me on FB chat, I shouldn't like call her or text her, right?

    I understand this is a delicate situation and would really appreciate feedback in order to avoid botching miserably

    神羅
    Ok, you didn't freeze her out. FREEZE HER OUT NAOW!. Start with 3 days, Ignore her on facebook (but I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THAT YOU DELETE/BLOCK HER ACCOUNT), texts, calls etc.

    You shouldn't have spoken to her on facebook chat. You dont want to be chummy with her, that is a 1 way road to the LJBF zone and I know you dont want that. She wasn't showing you interest, she was just talking to you, I bet she would talk to a friend the same way.

    However all is not lost, you did end every conversation. Kudos, where Kudo's are due. Leave her wanting more. As for facebook pics. No worries, just be sure to be active and post up what your doing. Get a few responses from friends and have fun.

    So to sum up.
    Properly freeze her out, Im talking 3 days to start. If you are at all confused research a Freeze Out.

    Now I want to see you posting up results in 3 days from today with the results. Remember, NO contact.

  10. #10
    Shinra Guest

    Default Re: Caught completely off guard, regaining attraction

    Ok, I did some research on Freeze Outs before answering this, just to get the hold of more stories about it.

    First of all, I just want to state that it was three days since me contacting her to her contacting me of total Freeze Out. Or I am assuming you mean it doesn't count as Freezing anybody out if she doesn't even contact you? 'Cause that would be a point.

    Nevertheless, as far as I've understood, the point of the no contact is to have her rekindle that interest and make a move on you.
    When she does, is it really worth being dodgy? I mean, sure it's not like I was all like: "Yay! You contacted me! Now let's hang out!", I was being a little bit cocky and aloof, though I understand your point of the LJBF-zone.

    That said… ROGER: I'll make no contact for 3 days or answer to any kind of move she could make, I am busy anyways this weekend.


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