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Unread 08-12-2010, 10:31 AM
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Default The simple art of Conversation

If you've ever watched Blind Date, I'm sure you've seen these two types of dates:

Date A: Conversation goes well. Guy and girl are talking and no awkward silences. These are usually the ones where both say they want a 2nd date

Date B: Conversation doesn't go well. Guy and girl talk a little, but it's just random questions here and there and full of awkward silences. These dates don't usually lead to a 2nd. Girl always says she didn't feel they made any type of connection.

If you're out with a girl, she needs to feel that you and her connected on a personal level. This connection leads to attraction or builds on it.

But most guys can't carry a conversation. They have no idea what to say, they ask a question, girl answers, then they sit there looking around because they ran out of questions. The girl thinks the guy is boring, dull, and unable to handle the simplest of tasks. Girls love to talk, but they will toss you aside if you can't keep them interested with a basic conversation.

Before I get into techniques and methods, you need to understand people love talking about themselves and enjoy the company of those who take a genuine interest in them. By doing this to a girl (in the right way), you let her talk about herself, but you control what she is talking about. You don't want to hear about her personal problems (intellectual whore). You just jump in every once-in-a-while with a "me too" statement to let her know that you guys are connecting. You GUIDE the conversation completely. This puts you in control. When the conversation starts heading off track, you bring it back.

80-90% of our communication is done non-verbally. Your body language is extremely important because it says more than you think. When you're talking to a girl, keep eye contact. Don't sit there staring at her chest or looking around the room at other people. Don't look like someone with a short attention span.

Tone is also very important. How you say something is more important than what you actually say.

Words, tone and body language make up a conversation. But words are the least of the 3. Keep in mind tone and body language will actually deliver what you're saying.

Take a genuine interest in what she's saying. Don't try to fake it. When she tells you she went to Europe for 3 months, don't say, "That's cool." That's a big thing. Ask her about it. What did she like? Where in Europe did she go? What were the people like? What differences are there between Europe and the US? You could talk to her for hours just about her trip.

Ok, now lets get into some techniques and tips for holding or initiating conversation.

1. Always be aware of your surroundings!
Some of the best conversation starters are based on what's going on around you. Maybe something funny happened, maybe there's a guy that looks like Tom Hanks. Maybe the girl dropped her cell phone in water. Whatever is going on around you, learn to use it to your advantage.

Ways to practice this: When you go out, look for things happening to people or in your surroundings. Then, approach anyone (guy or girl) and talk to him or her about it. Make it seem smooth and if you can, funny. Then, let that lead into more conversation. This is probably the best way to do a cold approach IMO.

2. Don't ask random questions!
This isn't 20 questions. Don't ask a girl a question and then proceed by asking her a totally unrelated question when she answers. Keep the questions related to her answer. Base what you say off of her response. DON'T PLAN OUT WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO SAY NEXT. Go with the flow.

Guy: Do you live around here?
Girl: I actually live about 20 min away in __
Guy: Really? I hear they listen to quite a bit of rap in __ (just an example)
Girl: Yeah they do! I'm not too big on rap though. I prefer acoustic bands like John Mayer or Dave Matthews
Guy: Dave was just up at the Gorge for a concert last week. Did you see the concert?
Girl: I really wanted to go but got stuck working the whole weekend
Guy: etc etc

Instead of

Guy: Do you live around here?
Girl: I actually live about 20 min away in __
Guy: Cool. What kind of music do you listen to?
Girl: My favorite would have to be any acoustic bands
Guy: Did you go to the Dave Matthews Concert?
Girl: No, I got stuck working
Guy: Where do you work?

You see the difference? The first conversation is going step-by-step off of what she is saying. It's smooth and comfortable. She doesn't even realize you're changing the subject because it's done so smoothly. The second conversation is terrible. It's rough and she's practically being interrogated.

3. Keep the Conversations Positive
There's nothing people hate more than a negative person. You know the type: Those people that complain and argue about EVERYTHING. Always try to avoid anything negative. Stuff like

"This food sucks."
"Wtf is with this line?" (You could make a funny comment about the line, but don't complain about it)
"I hate.."

Girls don't want to hear your negative talk. It brings them down and gets annoying. Keep things positive. That doesn't mean to talk like, "Oh it's a splendid day! The sun is radiating and the birds are chirping a beautiful tune in the gentle breeze". But avoid being negative. NEVER whine or complain and don't argue.


4. Understand people have opinions where there is no right or wrong
I've met so many people who always have to argue with people's opinions. That's just their way of thinking. Don't agree with a girl just for the sake of agreeing. If you have a difference of opinion, and think you can back it up, then let her know you disagree, but do it in an adult-like manner. Don't insult her way of thinking. Just like you, she probably has reasoning for her opinion. You could ask her what her reasoning is behind that. Throw in your point of view, but acknowledge her points.

5. Nouning

This is a technique I read about that will help those of you who have trouble with conversation. You'll be able to hold a conversation without a problem. It could start with the simplest of questions like, "What did you do today?" You'll learn to do this with practice without even thinking about it, but for now, here's how you do it. (this is taken from another post)
quote:

You: So what do you do with yourself?

Her: Oh, Im in Trinity College in Dublin studying Law.

Take the nouns out of this reply... (Noun: a person place or thing!)

3 Nouns in her reply:

1- Trinity College
2- Dublin
3- Law

Pick any of these and ask her a question about it! Let's say you pick 'Dublin':

You: Dublin eh? So what do ya think of the place?

OR

You: So what's the nightlife like up there?

Or if you chose 'Law':

You: So what made you choose to do Law? Is it tough?

Then she'll answer with something like:

Her: (In regard to 'Dublin' nightlife) Yeah the nightlife's excellent, especially Club Spirit. Although it can be pretty rough after the clubs close, especially in Grafton Street!

Now repeat the process, taking out the nouns and asking her questions about them.

Nouns in the previous answer: Club Spirit, Grafton Street.

Make sense? This is an easy way to keep the conversation flowing from what she just told you. I'd suggest you go out to coffee with a friend that you don't know very well and see if you can keep the conversation going using this technique.

6. Use Open-Ended Questions
Open-ended questions are questions that require more than a yes or no answer, and they easily lead to more conversation. Examples:

What are you studying?
What did you do today?

How was...?
What are your thoughts on...?
What's your stance on...? (to get her opinion on something)
What do you like about...?
What do you think about...?

7. Men want facts; women want feelings
This of course is a generalization that I read somewhere: Men like to cut to the facts. They don't like all the small talk and stuff in between. Men organize thoughts in their head and then say what needs to be said. Women use talking as a means to organize their thoughts.

Women also like to talk about feelings and how something makes them feel. The feelings associated with things. Have you ever talked to a girl for months, but the conversations were just based on facts, so you never really got to know the girl? What you want to do is take any facts she gives you, and dig deeper to get to feelings.

Girl: I really like Brad Pitt.
Guy: What is it about him that you like?
Girl: Well he's got a great sense of style. He pulls off different looks and they all work for him. He seems really confident and...

You want to get her to expand on her original thought. Let her talk but make sure you're controlling where the conversation is going. Never let the conversation go out of your control!

8. Listen to Her!
I'm sure you've all heard girls complain about guys that don't listen. If you ask the girl the proper questions and just sit back and listen, she'll tell you exactly how to seduce her. She'll tell you what she looks for, what she likes, and what she doesn't like. You guide the conversation then use this so you know what she wants to hear and how she wants to hear it. If any of you have ever done sales, you'll know what I'm talking about. Always let the customer talk first and they'll tell you what they want to hear.


Girls like guys who can keep them interested. Try to keep the conversation different. Take risks. Talk to her about stuff other guys usually wouldn't; you'll stick in her mind. Watch the news so you know what's going on in the world. You can use that to get opinions out of her if you need something to talk about.

One more technique, which is a little more advanced, is using statements instead of questions. This isn't to carry a conversation, it's just a technique you can use to change things up a bit and display a lot of confidence.

Are you tired of meeting weird guys?
=> You must be tired of meeting weird guys.

What school do you go to?
=> So tell me what school you're from

How was your day?
=> Tell me about your day

They usually start with

"So...", "Then..."
"You must..."
"You could..."
"It must be..."

Statements they take a position and a risk. If you say, "I prefer dogs", you're taking a risk. She might prefer cats. Saying, "I'm not interested in a long term relationship right now" is taking a risk.

Making these statements shows her your courage and confidence instead of being a guy who sits back and asks safe questions. It also gives you more control because you're telling her to tell you something, not asking her nicely (but stating it isn't rude either).

You don't need Q-Cards to keep a conversation going. Just go with what she says. It's as easy as that.

__________________
DISCLAIMER: All things said/suggested by "civilian" are strictly for entertainment and general information purposes only and does not constitute professional advice. I accept no Liability for such comments or suggestions whatsoever.

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Unread 10-09-2010, 01:22 PM
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Default Re: The simple art of Conversation

this article is amazing, been looking for something like this, this definitely should be stickied.


 
Unread 11-22-2010, 01:41 AM
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Default Re: The simple art of Conversation

hey man much appreciated. i can't wait until i have this knowledge to pass on to future people. i'm definitely sucking all this in thanks guys. i'm so glad we all have a place to work together without judgement, and with understanding


 
Unread 12-07-2010, 09:02 PM
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Default Re: The simple art of Conversation

Thank you sir. I bookmarked this post.

Personally my own biggest weakness is simply the art of holding a good conversation with someone I don't know well. This destroys me on cold approaches, I work up momentum for a minute or two and then blank on what to say.

Here are a few of things I've done:

1) Plan my conversations out more

For instance, if I know I'm seeing a certain friend the next day or just planning to chat with someone at work, whatever, I've started planning out conversational topics in advance to fall back on if I can sense a dead space coming.
The goal is NOT to script the conversation out, but to keep things flowing and practice building rapport.

2) Chat up strangers in non pick-up situations
Even if this is just saying "hello" to a girl or guy in the elevator at work, and joking about how it sucks that it's only Tuesday morning, or something stupid like that.

3) Try to maintain better contact with old friends
I've started looking up both guys and girls I haven't seen in a year, just trying to come up with a funny subject line on FB/email, and then starting a conversation about what they've been doing the past year, without falling back on "Where do you work now? Where do you live?" kind of boring questions.

The overall goal is just to gain practice at having good conversations. Also with #3 in particular, to get some new social opportunities going in circles that I've been out of touch with.


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Unread 12-07-2010, 09:52 PM
Raven
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Default Re: The simple art of Conversation

dlb - that's some great stuff there. I'm going to do some of that tomorrow! Also, I found it helps to know a few cool routines that work with your personality for any dead space. I actually love the cube - most guys see it as some seductive thing to do, but I almost believe in it, so I do it with enthusiasm with girls when there's dead space or I don't exactly know what to talk about while having a 1 on 1 convo with them. Magic tricks can also fill in dead space, and if you fail them, it's always a good laugh.


 
Unread 07-04-2011, 06:25 AM
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Default Re: The simple art of Conversation

very good


 
Unread 07-19-2011, 12:35 PM
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Default Re: The simple art of Conversation

very nice piece.

dont forget about well timed dhv, and teases.


live it up.


 
Unread 08-23-2011, 03:44 AM
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Default Re: The simple art of Conversation

=)

Great man. you have described very perfectly.
Your advices are really working.


 
Unread 08-23-2011, 09:03 AM
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Default Re: The simple art of Conversation

Great post!


 
Unread 09-04-2011, 11:21 AM
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Default Re: The simple art of Conversation

Man, everything that is mentioned in this thread is perfect. It all makes so much sense cheers man.


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