Top 10 Stats
Latest Posts Loading... Loading...
Loading...
Loading...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Loading...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Results 1 to 9 of 9
Like Tree1Likes
  • 1 Post By soul_spark

Thread: X GF dumps me but won't let me go.

  1. #1
    soul_spark is offline Aspiring PUA
    Points: 173, Level: 3
    Level completed: 46%, Points required for next Level: 27
    Overall activity: 78.0%
    Achievements:
    100 Experience Points31 days registered
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    8
    Points
    173
    Level
    3
    Thanks
    2
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
    Rep Power
    0

    Default X GF dumps me but won't let me go.

    Hello guys, Iím somewhat new to PUA, but Iíve been in the loop for a few years, not practicing hard like I should be, but have been reading, learning and developing my own natural tendencies to be cocky and confident.
    Like all of us, I can improve and want to start putting in serious efforts to become better.
    I would like some advice or perhaps more so the opinions of PUAís that are more experienced than myself.
    I feel that I understand the psychology of it all, but I would like conformation or help filling in the gaps.
    Itís a bit of a long read, but I do appreciate you guys taking the time to read it and to give me your advice and support.
    This of course starts with the break up I had with my GF of a year.

    We are both 38, have no children but want them.

    My X dates her childhood sweetheart at 13, marries him at 21, and divorces him at 36 (she left him)

    He was mentally abusive to her and controlling and would put her down etc

    She has daddy issues, she was guarded on details. But they donít talk to much now but are in limited contact.

    She divorces at 36, getís her own apartment and starts seeing somebody within 1-2 months.

    The guy wasnít a BF, she doesnít bring him home to mom, she dates him for 3-4 months and she calls it quits as he was a loser.

    2-3 weeks later we meet for the first time at a mutual friendís house party. Sheís attractive, HB8

    I run game and get a make out and number.

    Relationship:
    The relationship was good in the beginningÖ the first 5 months were great, her family said she was happy for the first time in years, and that they could see a change in her. Her previous abusive marriage had left her self esteem shattered, but I treated her right (While staying Alpha) and lifted her out of that. All of our friends could see that we were in love and that she adored me. In fact she was the one that asked me to be her BF.

    We also had amazing sex as her X husband couldnít make her orgasm via intercourse, but I was the first one to do that for her. (I was the 3rd guy she slept with, so not a big surprise)

    At month 5 she breaks up with me and it was a big surprise. She said she wasnít ready for a relationship and that she needed to be alone after her divorce. She had been with her X husband her entire life, and she never got that space to be alone, but maintains that she Is in love with me and is attracted to me. We get back together a week later,

    We break up again at month 10, she says the same stuff, but adds in that I'm self absorbed and not a good match for her.

    A few weeks go by after the split, we donít talk,..but Iím hearing from a mutual friend, that she misses me, she compliments me to her friend says she loves me, and that Iím hot, good looking, confident and a great catch etc.

    She tells our friend that the day she broke up with me was a stressful day and perhaps she made a mistake, and that there was a chance we could work things out and get back together.

    I ask her on a date, but she says it's a friend date and nothing will happen between us. So I game her again and we sleep togther that night, after a month of dating and sex, she comes back.
    After 2 months she leaves me again lol, says all the same stuff as before, but drops the bomb that I'm going to be like her X and be controlling, which is BS. It's like she's projecting her issues and X husbands behavior onto me and acts like I will miss treat her when I never did.

    When she breaks up with me she says she still loves me, but she doesn't think it's enough to make the relationship work, says we're to different and not compatiable. But wait, she says that there is a chance that we can be back together in the future. Yeah, whatever lady! lol

    Here is where I'm confused. It's been a few months, we don't really talk, but share some of the same friends.

    She instant messages me once a week to make small talk, but is generally distant and cold, she is sure to keep her distance and not open up to me. For the first 2 months, she Instant messaged me once a week I NEVER initiated any contact but talk to her when she reaches out. It's just lame small talk, nothing of real value.

    She txt's me on Valentines day and also on my mom's B-day and wished her a happy B-day. She tells our mutual friend that she still loves me and that there's a chance we can be together again, just not right now. She even has our couples pictures on her FB, just sad.
    A few weeks back her IM's become daily for 2 weeks in a row. She gets flirty, says that I have a good body and good personality, says that I'm always confident and compliments me. She asks me to lunch and I accept. I go all alpha, confident and cool.
    After lunch she says she had a good time and had fun, and her body language was open. So I ask her to the movies and she turns me down, puts the wall up, backs off again. and goes to the once a week IM's

    Basically, it's like she can't make up her mind, she wants to keep her foot in the door. She won't let me get close to her but she is fine with the one a week IM's
    A few times recently when she was IMing me daily, I made a few attempts to initiate contact. I took 1 step forward to her every 2.

    But when I would initiate, she would back off, play the game where she responds every 2 hours to my txt's messages, or be evasive and closed in our talks.

    Anyhow, it's been a few weeks, I went back to not initiating contact but yet she IM's me one time weekly to say hello. WTF is this girls problem? lol

    I have the idea that she is very confused, she still has feelings for me but is scared to commit due to her issues and not being alone long enough after her divorce. It's like she knows I'm a catch and doesn't want to lose me, but she wants to keep me around incase she wants to comeback.

    I always have girls chasing me and she knows it, she sees what I have going on.
    We also want children and she's 38, so time is ticking FAST.

    It's hard because I love her very much, I do want her back but I'm not AFC about it, I know how to respect and love myself and know that I have to move forward. I've already slept with 6 women in the 4 months we have been apart, and I have 2 more in the works.

    What do you all think she is trying to pull here by being closed to me, not hanging out with our social circle anymore, some of these girls were her friends before I ever met her.

    She's being distant, but yet initiates contact weekly to make small talk?

    ..and thank you for reading

  2. #2
    BatMan's Avatar
    BatMan is offline PUA All Star
    Points: 31,552, Level: 100
    Level completed: 0%, Points required for next Level: 0
    Overall activity: 0%
    Achievements:
    Social25000 Experience Points31 days registered
    Awards:
    Most PopularCommunity Award
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    2,151
    Points
    31,552
    Level
    100
    Thanks
    1
    Thanked 12 Times in 12 Posts
    Rep Power
    1389

    Default Re: X GF dumps me but won't let me go.

    Sounds to me like you got a great head on your shoulders and you got it all figured out already. So maybe you are just venting. If you re-read what you just wrote and still feel like you are not seeing it then this is what I will tell you...Just like you said she is very confused and it's the classic "She wants you, but doesn't want to want you." I'm sure alot of it has to do with you're probably the first guy she has had real feelings for since her ex-husband and that scares her since she is in the habit of loving someone that isn't good for her. She is probably in the "It's too good to be true" phase and she is self-sabotaging. Mind you all of what I'm saying has nothing to do with your game with her. It's ALL on her. She has some serious emotional trauma that she most likely needs to see a therapist about. If you are serious about her and want children in the next few years then I would highly suggest couples counseling. Otherwise you could just wait a few years, let her date a few more men to get in the groove then come back when she has a higher self esteem. Just comes down to, do you have the patience to be her Knight in Shining Armor.

  3. #3
    surferdude is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
    Points: 933, Level: 17
    Level completed: 33%, Points required for next Level: 67
    Overall activity: 0%
    Achievements:
    7 days registered500 Experience Points
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Location
    St. John's, Newfoundland
    Posts
    144
    Points
    933
    Level
    17
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
    Rep Power
    49

    Default Re: X GF dumps me but won't let me go.

    I agree with Batman. You really do have it all figured out already. The fact that you love her and she has so much emotional confusion would be frustrating as hell.
    Great post Batman. Good luck soul spark and shoot another post if the scenario changes.

    As for 6 kills in the last 4 months, that's the kind of success I'd like this summer.

  4. #4
    soul_spark is offline Aspiring PUA
    Points: 173, Level: 3
    Level completed: 46%, Points required for next Level: 27
    Overall activity: 78.0%
    Achievements:
    100 Experience Points31 days registered
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    8
    Points
    173
    Level
    3
    Thanks
    2
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
    Rep Power
    0

    Default Re: X GF dumps me but won't let me go.

    Thank you for the reply,
    This brings up a few questions for me as I generally donít get dumped, so itís hard to know how to ďbehaveĒ from a PUA standpoint. I just donít have the experience, but I want to retain my high value. (Which I feel that Iím doing)


    Batman, you mentioned couples counseling which I would be up for, but seeing that she doesnít let me get close to her and that weíve been split for 4 months wonít work.

    In fact, she told me 2 monthís back that she was worried to get to close to me as we may go thru another makeup breakup cycle. Which tells me that she wants me but fights it. lol


    My question is how do I approach this situation? I canít wait 2 years for her to date guys and get better, I have plans of my own to find a great girl and settle in, Iím moving forward.

    But I want to keep her on the back burner while Iím out dating. Iím not expecting her to come back so I obviously want to move forward and when I find a new LTR, great.
    I just want to keep my options open as she did get herself into counseling a few months back.

    I could be dating for the next 4-5 months and if I happen to be single and she comes back, Iíll assess the situation at that time to see if we can try again or if I even want to. I just donít want to shut her out completely and not have that option.

    I want to know what to do to keep the communications open, and open her up to me, to allow for that option, while not coming across as a chump.

    If she IMís me, I can respond and be flirty and we will talk all day, but the conversation lacks substance. I can really tell she is closed up. The conversations are just superficial, howís your day, howís work, I make a few jokes, how was lunch? How was weight training? I have deeper connected talks with my other female friends that I never hooked up with. lol

    I feel like a sucker having these talks, and I feel like a chump when I initiate contact. So I just keep it brief and have a little 1-5 min chat and after a while, say Iím busy or I just donít respond to her further banter.

    I had invited her out 2 times (I step forward to her 2) and she always has a reason to not go, and she doesnít reciprocate the invites, other than the one recent lunch invite. (We work together, but donít see each other often at work, itís a big campus, I may run into her once every 3 weeks)

    Her asking me to lunch when we both work at the same location feels less substantial then her asking me out for a Fri or Sat date where the potential for sex is very real.

    I think you get the pointÖI canít get close to her as she walls up when I make a move, but when I back off she does the one a week IMís and seems content with that. Do I freeze her out? or continue to make a brief IM reply then bail?.. and continue to not initiate contact?

    I had some friends tell me to tell her to leave me alone or talk to her about the breakup, but I feel if I get emotional and reactive, it lowers my value. Like itís best to let it slide and retain my higher value. I plan to keep being strong.

    Perhaps with all this, eventually she just stops talking to me, which is fine, but keeping options open while I date is better

  5. #5
    BatMan's Avatar
    BatMan is offline PUA All Star
    Points: 31,552, Level: 100
    Level completed: 0%, Points required for next Level: 0
    Overall activity: 0%
    Achievements:
    Social25000 Experience Points31 days registered
    Awards:
    Most PopularCommunity Award
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    2,151
    Points
    31,552
    Level
    100
    Thanks
    1
    Thanked 12 Times in 12 Posts
    Rep Power
    1389

    Default Re: X GF dumps me but won't let me go.

    Well I'm confident you will work out the details in terms of how to respond to her IM's. Also I understand that you don't have time to play along with her emotional issues until she "gets over it." From an overall standpoint I can see how you feel when it comes to emotions. It's not normal for men to be emotional so I will try and give you another way to look at it. Granted this is just my opinion and don't have all the details of your dynamics together....
    So when it comes to emotions I feel it is important to be flexible with them. With this flexibity you will actually layer another side to yourself and reveal another facet which may help reach a deeper level. Playing it cool is a great trait and you seem to have that down. But when it come's to emotions I do not think you can ever reach a true level of rapport with a woman without showing those vulnerabilities. Mind you rapport and comfort level can be different things. Rapport is simply "a sympathetic relationship." And to reach a true level of rapport I believe you have to do something you will probably hate for me saying lol...... You have to NEED her. And not just NEED her, but show her that you NEED her. It's really when this feeling of need is not reciprocated by her and just continues until she gets tired of it, that it begins to look weak in HER eyes. Your friends may tease you if they find out lol. Continue your alpha male attitude, but sprinkle in this idea that you actually NEED her. If you ever had a woman you truly cared about make you feel like she NEEDS you, without going overboard, it can give you a great feeling. If you can show this to her without making it seem that you're "rewarding" her drastic emotional behavior then I feel it would be a step in the right direction.

    P.S. If you decide to try something like this out and not sure how to show her you need her without reinforcing her dramatic behavior, try verbally comaring her with other women you've been dating and say that you feel there is no one like her. Now clean up your vomit off the floor after reading this and give it a try Hope this helps and good luck.

  6. #6
    soul_spark is offline Aspiring PUA
    Points: 173, Level: 3
    Level completed: 46%, Points required for next Level: 27
    Overall activity: 78.0%
    Achievements:
    100 Experience Points31 days registered
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    8
    Points
    173
    Level
    3
    Thanks
    2
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
    Rep Power
    0

    Default Re: X GF dumps me but won't let me go.

    That is an interesting way to look at the situation, I do have to admit it sounds backwards to me lol, Most X GF replies say to break contact for a while, make a change and re initiate with game.
    But of course this is different. lol
    I hear you, and I do love her very much, and she knows this.
    I've dated many women, I'm 38 and never been married lol, so I've been playing the field for a LONG while.
    Hell one of the recent girls I hooked up with was a cute 20 year old that works in the other building.
    I'm definitely enjoying myself,.. but I do have to admit, I have never loved any girl as much as this one.
    She made me want to settle down and have children, which is big for me.
    I told her all this before so she knows how special and cherished she was\is to me and that I love her very much. I'm just not a door mat.
    I'm going to digest what you said and see how I can work it in, but you are right, I want to be careful as not to reward her behavior.
    I also feel like there is a thin line between showing her that I need her and coming across as beta...
    I'll have to sleep on this and think of a good delivery method.
    Thanks my brothers!

  7. #7
    whitedragon is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
    Points: 15,299, Level: 79
    Level completed: 90%, Points required for next Level: 51
    Overall activity: 99.0%
    Achievements:
    Social10000 Experience Points31 days registered
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    1,032
    Points
    15,299
    Level
    79
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
    Rep Power
    675

    Default Re: X GF dumps me but won't let me go.

    It will never work. If it's meant to be it's meant to be. The scars, games and sentimental confusion will hold you both back and having kids is no dreamy ideal - it's tough work and requires a solid relationship. You don't want to be going through divorce in your early 40's. Her body clock is not yours. You will find other women to fall in love with. Destiny is exponential. Shut her down and move on with your life - that is the only way she will move on with hers. Shut it down.

  8. #8
    soul_spark is offline Aspiring PUA
    Points: 173, Level: 3
    Level completed: 46%, Points required for next Level: 27
    Overall activity: 78.0%
    Achievements:
    100 Experience Points31 days registered
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    8
    Points
    173
    Level
    3
    Thanks
    2
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
    Rep Power
    0

    Default Re: X GF dumps me but won't let me go.

    I hear you, shutting it down also makes sense. It is a big mess lol

  9. #9
    SnarkyPuppy12 is offline Aspiring PUA
    Points: 59, Level: 1
    Level completed: 18%, Points required for next Level: 41
    Overall activity: 0%
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Posts
    1
    Points
    59
    Level
    1
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
    Rep Power
    0

    Default Re: X GF dumps me but won't let me go.

    I am new to PUA and I thought I was the only person in this position, but this is very similar to the position I am in. However, my Ex is really trying to get over me so she does not contact me unless I contact her and if I go a week without contact it is inevitable that she will send out a probing text asking about getting breakfast. The only problem I am running into is that there is a manipulative best guy friend who was pretending to be my friend while I was dating her just waiting for his chance to pounce. He still hangs out with her and though I do not want to give her an ultimatum between him and I, however he is the root of all the problems we have had, along with whatever personal issues she has that prevent her from committing. I am at the point of Freeze Out, but honestly I do not expect her to be back nor should you.

    My only other play I feel is to put her in a Push Pull, pulling back all the old emotions and good times of our relationship and then turning around and shutting her down. Any other PUA's got any ideas about this?


    I think you should totally ignore her weekly messages and completely Isolate her. She may get mad at first, but playing along and keeping her atuned to what you are doing is exactly what she wants, she knows how you feel about her, so she knows she can come back anytime she wants. So keeping her in your good graces validates her actions, even if it is a short IM conversation, you are available to her and you need to shut that down, only once she realizes for herself what she has lost will she come crawling back.


Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
DMCA.com