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  1. #1
    mustang06 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default broke up after 4 yrs, need some help

    hey guys, this is my first post here, so thanks in advance for any help. my girlfriend of 4 yrs broke up with me last week. now just to give a little history, we were in love, talked about marriage, i will be 27 in 2 weeks, she will be 29 in august. we went away together, spent almost everyday together. The "honeymoon" phase seemed to have lasted the first year and a half at least.

    anyway on to the downhill part. last year at this time she wanted a break. she wasnt happy with me becuase i was falling into a routine, become boring and i seemed to fall asleep a lot. understandable i guess. anyway, i decided to agree with it, told her i guess it was for the best. so basically the whole summer we were on a "break". now during this time, i didnt go out of my way to call her or even see her necessarily. she did however call me pretty much everyday, and we hung out just not like before. we probably saw eachother maybe 2-3 times a week instead of most days. we even had sex throughout most of the summer, obviously not as often as before but that was still there. things basically worked themselves out after like 2- 2.5 months ad we were basically back to normal. i was trying to be less boring, a little more exciting, and less sleepy. i mean i was literally go to see her and falling asleep within an hour, surpirsed she didnt breakup with me! anyway, things were better, we even went to vegas 2 times since, going good.

    now the bad again. in december i lost a cousin, he was my age, then my younger brother gets diagnosed with cancer. way to start the new year. obviously shit isnt going well in my life at this point. now she was there for me and my family the entire time, never a doubt about that. she even came on vacation with us for my brother's make a wish. she is part of my family as i am hers. now this is not the reason for the breakup, but with everything going on, i guess i got alittle on the lazy side again, had much on my mind. last month or so my brother finished his chemo, so far free of any cancer and doing well. within this time i started noticing her losing her interest again. my stupid ass didnt do anything about it. she wanted to plan a vactaion with me for the summer, i kept saying let me know when, but never took the initiative to look myself. again just an example of where i was screwing up.

    so before breakup she was very distant. havent seen here now in 2.5 weeks. last week we actually broke up, over the phone. the weird part is, she never stopped calling me, not as often as before but still pretty much everyday. during the breakup, she told me how much she loved me, still called me by my pet name she has for me, still to this day she does too, and how miserable she was about it. even said how miserable she was that she was not going to my brothers high school graduation the very next day. so i told her i guess its for the best, i still just want to see you happy. she said she just wasnt happy with our situation. so i agreed we were going downhill, told her if this is what you want then fine.

    next day she calls crying how miserable she is, we were supposed to work, why did it have to happen, i just told her she will be fine, i even said she will find someone who will make here happy and all. she responded she didnt want that, she just wants to curl up and cry forever. we ended the conversation with an "i love you" and i said call me if you need me, i am always here.

    since then i have heard from here everyday, even exchanged an i love you the other day. today she called i said what are you up to tonight, we havent seen eachother, she said she wants to see me but doesnt want to.

    so i guess i just need help, i love this girl a ton, it really fealt like the real deal, i mean i love here family as if they are my own. and i know she feels the same about mine, so what i guess i am asking is, is there still a chance for me, and what should i do to make sure it works out the weay i want. sorry for long post but im really hurting and i love this girl, just want to make this all go away.

  2. #2
    whitedragon is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: broke up after 4 yrs, need some help

    I feel your pain and sorry for your family losses and complexities. The girl has to love you for who you are and if she's unhappy and unwilling to let go she might have to take on some of the blame too. It's really hard letting go for both of you after 4 years. While she ignited the break off she is unable to carry through with it and keeps calling you. You would have a good chance of getting it back together for a while longer but if it's for the best perhaps you have to do the follow through yourself and break it completely off so you can both move on. That means you have to talk with her in person and shut it down or not answer her calls otherwise you'll both be caught in limbo. 4 years and she couldn't break off in person? Well that should give you sone motivation to be harder on her. It sounds like you both want to move on but are being too sweet and sentimental to each other to let go. As hard as it is you just have to take control and either make the relationship work or ride on into the sunset and delete her from your life.

  3. #3
    mustang06 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: broke up after 4 yrs, need some help

    i appreciate the quick response, and i completely hear you. my question is, or i guess what im unclear about, is do you think she is just having a hard time going through with it, because i called her the night it happened, to ask about her coming to my brothers graduation party, and basically the conversation got to us, and i asked her if it was over, and she said yes. now what i am asking is, does she call becuase she actually misses me and whats to try to fix things, could she just possibly still be in that "unhappy" place right now and needs to let the waves calm down alittle maybe?

    and thank you for the words about my family, its been a hard 6 months otherwise. but my brother is looking good so far, and like i said they let him graduate too!

  4. #4
    whitedragon is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: broke up after 4 yrs, need some help

    Well irrelevant of her you are young and this girl may not be the girl you marry and settle down with so the sooner you can nip it in the bud the better. She would likely act very different is she met someone else too and that might happen sooner than you think. She may be wanting something different long term but is using you still as an emotional shoulder for the time being. Some distance between you could allow your true feelings to come through. I'm sure she misses you but what's more important is you establish what you want in a relationship. It's been 4 years - all sorts of biological and cultural questions are being asked by your bodies and minds - why no kids? Why no marriage proposal? If you want to give it another go you have to be sure and then give it your 100% or you may have to move on and shut her down, for your sake and hers. It's difficult to end a 4 year relationship cleanly but it's often better than dragging on in limbo. Make the right decision and stick with it.

  5. #5
    mustang06 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: broke up after 4 yrs, need some help

    i appreciate the help guys, im just going into NC for myself. if she calls ill answer, but just be quick and short, hey how are you kinda thing, i dont want to come off as a jerk, but i do think i need to work on myself alittle. if she wants me back then great because i really do love her, if not then fine also, hope all goes well for her. and i told her that too. i hope she finds what shes looking for

  6. #6
    mustang06 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: broke up after 4 yrs, need some help

    hey guys, well back after 3 weeks of being broken up, 4 weeks almost of actually not seeing my ex. ive done alot of work on myself these last few weeks, and i must say i do feel better about the situation. ive taken some of the advise i recieved, and basically this is what i have come up with.

    i cannot change the fact that i love this girl, i cant lie to myself there, but she has persisted on called me basically everyday since the break up. she even told me last week she misses me. yesterday she proceeded to tell me about all her work/family problems. and i came to this realization, i am not her boyfriend anymore, i do care and want to be there, but i dont have to! now i ended the conversation telling her everything will be ok and all but i realized afterwards that its not my problem.. if she wants to make it my concern them she should consider our relationship. starting today, i feel like a new person, now im not going to try and play games, but i think a few days of ignoring, maybe just making myself less available to her to will make her realize what she lost, and realize i am not a crutch.

    my question is this, as i stated in the beginning, i still love her, she measn alot to me, i dont want to throw it all away by being an ass to her, but at the same time, i need to push her to her limit to finally end this "limbo" feeling, am i going about it the right way, how do i push her to the point of i want to be with you/not be with you without actually pushing her off the edge and not forcing a decision from her

  7. #7
    striker12 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: broke up after 4 yrs, need some help

    Hello mate i understand your situation it was like this the first time me and my ex split up. My honets advice for you.....tell her you need some space and some time for yourself and leave it at that. If you still have feelings etc then contact her but id give it atleast a month on nc/lc obv if she rings dont answer it striaght away make her wait abit.

    Remember she will only want you and know what shes lost when you are no longer around for her! Shes getting all the benefits here, shes using you to help her move on. Go cold turkey my freind.

    As ive said before the day i told my ex i was done and returned all her stuff it was the first time she wasnt a complete b1tch and actually made first contact. As your the one then who takes control of your OWN life.

    I know its hard sometimes i dont even follow my own advice!

    Hope this helps man

  8. #8
    mustang06 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: broke up after 4 yrs, need some help

    it definately helps, and i know what you mean about following your own advice. but i think i have to "play" alittle here, just not answer the phone evrytime, and be less "there" for her. i think i did prolong this by being too there during the first 3 weeks of breakup, i followed NC on my part, by not calling her at all, but didnt realize the damage i have done by answering everytime and being completely there for her on the phone,. i guess i have to put alittle fear in her to show her i mean business.

  9. #9
    striker12 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: broke up after 4 yrs, need some help

    Yep thats the plan. Sometimes i wouldnt even answer and dont phone back, wait for her to call again the next day and say something to the extent of "hey sorry i didnt phone you back yesterday was at the cinema with a freind and it finished late".

    You must stop being her emotional tampon. I also wouldnt play at all i'd drop off contact for ahwile your "busy with work" or take a trip away with the lads. Do something exciting, start a hobby that youve always wanted to do. Old problems always resurface! You need to start a new relationship not go back to and old one.

  10. #10
    mustang06 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: broke up after 4 yrs, need some help

    Quote Originally Posted by striker12 View Post
    Old problems always resurface! You need to start a new relationship not go back to and old one.
    i gotcha, question about the last part though, do you mean start a new relationship with a new person or a new one with my ex? i think it is possible to get over issues and move forward beyond them.

    and i dont mean actually play games, i just mean its time for me to actually start forward and not sit in this unsure zone i am in


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