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  1. #1
    liukang75 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Help!!! Girlfriend drunk dialing guy-what should I do?

    O.k., I need good advice. Me and my girlfriend have been working things out since we broke up. We went to a counselling appointment yesterday for the first time and things went really well. Things have been pretty good--we've had a ton of sex since getting back together over a week ago. Officially we are not completely back together according to her at least, because she doesn't want to confuse our son by having me move back in right away. Last night she went out to her cousins house and got pretty drunk. I was at the house watching our son. It has been pretty hard to trust her all the way for me but I've been playing it cool because I don't want to come off as needy or jealous. To make a long story short, she called me around 3:30 in the morning asking me if I would be awake when she got back, because she wanted to blow me. I said of course I would be awake for a reason as good as that! She came home and farked my brains out.
    This morning, I went through her phone and found out that she had been dialing this guy over and over again while she was at her cousins house. I know for a fact that this guy is an orbiter that is in love with her. They have had sex before which she has admitted to me in the past but he's a bit gay with his behavior--which turns her off. She had drunk sex with him one night when she was breaking up with her ex before me and they have stayed friends throughout our relationship. I think it's very possible that she had sex with him when we were broken up but I'm not sure. Should I ignore that she called him over and over again last night? She came home to me. Is that all that matters? If I didn't have a kid with this girl, I don't think I could stay with all of the trust issues that I have. I'm trying to work this out because I love her and I want the family thing but I'm having a hard time right now. I don't like my girlfriend having farking orbiters but I know it's just part of the game.

  2. #2
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    BatMan is offline PUA All Star
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    Default Re: Help!!! Girlfriend drunk dialing guy-what should I do?

    I am also familiar with this situation so I know how tough it can be. Trust takes a long time to get back and even then, her going out and getting drunk doesn't do much to help. When you got the feeling though of,"She was out drinking, maybe she did something...I'll look through her phone" this is the, "have to know," thing that I had mentioned. It is very tough to ignore, but by going through her phone you basically set yourself up for the confusion you are feeling now. And now your attention is on this now which is adding to the situation even if you aren't saying anything.....yet.

    Let's "put the shoe on the other foot" for a moment. As if YOU were the one she didn't trust and was looking through YOUR phone. Now let's say she brings it up to you, questioning what she saw. And say this isn't the first time she has done this. How would this make you feel? You will probably get an idea, after that, what she is feeling.

    I know how this feels... That you are putting effort into things working and it seems they are not interested. So you try harder, maybe look through her phone or emails, call her out on some things and remind her that you are both trying to work things out. This is the logical part of the situation......

    The emotional parts would have to deal with that you are valuing her more than she values you since you are the one being suspicious of her instead of the other way around. That you are willing to get into arguments over her unacceptable behavior (this I'm just assuming). Honestly, if I was forced to make a choice, I would rather have a woman more suspicious of my behavior than the other way around. At least I know her focus is on trying to figure out what I am up to and not focused on how she can meet some guy behind my back.

    Now this is just my opinion....there are worse things that can happen to a child than growing up with his parents seperated. And one of those things is growing up exposed to the parents unhealthy relationship.

    My suggestion?...Let the stuff you found on her phone go. It's still a small possibility that it was probably some light flirting or less, and if you call her on it without enough evidence then you're attraction in her eyes will plummet and she will more likely do something with that same guy next time. Instead I want you to try and focus on changing the dynamics around. Get her suspicious of you instead. Go out on the weekend and be very vague about what you did. Meet some new friends. Men AND female friends. You don't have to do anything with them. Just TALKING to other women casually can be enough to spark some suspicion. This is a drastic strategy and is not the healthiest, but it should get you results none the less.

    Mind you this is a very delicate strategy and there is a big risk that it can snowball out of your control and then the relationship will be over. It's very easy to get thrown off depending on her reaction to your behavior. If pushed hard enough she may just become spiteful and just go out and fark someone to help herself feel like she is still in control. If that happens, you may want to accept that you are not mean't to be together....and that's ok. This is life and it throws us all over in different directions so we have to try and roll with the punches.

    The basics of the strategy is...find other things to do other than worry about what she's doing. Meet some people and just try to show you are having more fun than her when you go out without her. Be vague about where you go and who you go with, but don't be a complete douche and not tell her anything. Just have the attitude like "Well it's not really a big deal, but if it's important for you to know then I guess I'll tell you." said kind of with a *rolling of the eyes* effect. Anytime she tries to argue about your behavior let it be known that it is "not your intention" to upset her, and that you will try harder next time.....which you really won't, and keep doing what you are doing.

    Again this is grounds for an unhealthy relationship, but if done correctly should get you results.

  3. #3
    liukang75 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Help!!! Girlfriend drunk dialing guy-what should I do?

    Too late. I was packing up my stuff to leave her house so I could get some air but she kept pressing me if something was wrong. I eventually let the cat out of the bag... I didn't get angry or act all AFC. I just said that I had some trust issues with her and that maybe it was best if we tried to work this stuff out with our counselor--but that I was still leaving because I didn't want to fight around our son. She kept pushing me so I told her that maybe this wasn't really working.

    I left for an hour to run some errands, came back she told me that she made an appointment with our counselor. I can tell she's scared that she is going to lose me. The problem is she called this guy over and over again until about 4:20 in the morning. It wasn't just one call. It seems as though she was desperately trying to get ahold of him. My gut tells me that she was drunk and her intentions were less than pure with this dude who she say's is just a friend.

    Twice this week, she has snatched my phone out of my hand or out of my pocket to look at it--but says she pissed because I looked at hers behind her back. She knows that I can get girls rather easily. She obviously came home to me but the fact that she was ready to sabotage everything when things were going so good royally pisses me off.When I left she was crying. Now she is getting the Freeze Out until our appointment--which I may re-schedule because I'm not really sure about if I should even bother. I tried to let things go but I don't believe her bullsh1t. I don't know if I can anymore Batman. I'm going out tonight. Thank you so much for your advice.

  4. #4
    whitedragon is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Help!!! Girlfriend drunk dialing guy-what should I do?

    It's probably never going to work so start spending money on your son and not a counselor. A seperated family is not great but a seperated and disfunctional family is worse. Do whatever you have to do for your son, keep amicable ties with your ex and move on with your life.

  5. #5
    liukang75 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Help!!! Girlfriend drunk dialing guy-what should I do?

    Quote Originally Posted by whitedragon View Post
    It's probably never going to work so start spending money on your son and not a counselor. A seperated family is not great but a seperated and disfunctional family is worse. Do whatever you have to do for your son, keep amicable ties with your ex and move on with your life.
    Well, to make a long story short--the freezout worked. She came to me and insisted that her "friendship" with that guy was over and that she didn't want any relationship to come between us. I told her that I didn't want to Isolate her from any of her friends but brought up the fact that I had a ton of "girlfriends" that I didn't communicate with anymore because I didn't want to hurt her. She knows it's true... It looks like my alpha ways are winning her over because this was a friend that I was really uncomfortable of her having for our entire relationship. I have to try to make it work... I made a ton of AFC errors in our relationship before. I knew the game rather well but I got lazy and got caught up with all of the stress that comes with being a father and basically a husband. I want to marry her but I know that we need work before that can happen. I've decided to start with myself and if she meets me in the middle than farking gravy--if not, well I'm becoming a farking Jedi with this stuff and there are plenty of fish in the sea.


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