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Thread: Need advice on next move with ex - she broke NC now pulling away

  1. #1
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    Question Need advice on next move with ex - she broke NC now pulling away

    Ok I'm sure this is a familiar story to many on this forum. The background is that I had been dating a girl for approx a year, we were friends for ten years prior and got together after her marriage broke down. It was a very fulfilling relationship in all aspects and we had talked about a future together, I got on great with her son too and we were virtually living together. Approx a month ago she asked for a week of space as I became aware her ex husband had been applying pressure on her (not to get back together just nasty messages) and she felt we had rushed into things. She said she was 99% sure we were meant for each other etc but just wanted to be sure. I work away during the week in the military and freaked over the need for space and essentially didn't give her what she asked for culminating in me accussing her of seeing someone else! She was furious and said it was over ... As she didn't want to have a jealousy based relationship. I initiated NC almost immediately at this stage when 5 days in she texted asking to see me for a coffee, I replied a day later and then nothing! We played this delayed replying game for abourmt another week before meeting upfront coffee which became dinner. It was great, much like old times but I got drawn into a conversation about the break up when I got home. I made the mistake of saying it had been a good start to repairing our problems to which she said she missed me alot, we had areal connect but her resentment over the accusation had killed her feelings and did I want to be friends. I said I wasn't sure how I felt as I wouldn't want to go back to our old friendship. I also said that I wouldn't want to be around if she started dating - I asked how she felt if I were to start dating and she was unsure too.

    Another two weeks have past and she has added a couple of guys on Facebook I don't know, potential dates but mutual friends have said nothing has happened. In response I have been on a date with an old flame and plan to go away with a group of friends this weekendof which this old flame is one. My ex sent me a late night message over small talk the night she saw I had been out with this girl, I waited till morning to reply but she again has not got back to me! I don't want to play the jealousy card and have followed the M3 system which got results in the initial week after break up but now what? She has been flirting on Facebook with other guys and I'm aware she is checking mine too from comments she made. I'm worried as I deploy for two months later this month so will be kind of out of the picture till my return - she is aware of this which initially forced her to get in touch. So where do I go from here???

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Need advice on next move with ex - she broke NC now pulling away

    Any suggestions? I can provide more details if required ... Like I said most systems only take you so far!

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    Default Re: Need advice on next move with ex - she broke NC now pulling away

    I'm not entirely sure what it is that you want.

    You want sex? Get back together? Or just get closure in the idea that you know she still cares and loves you?

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    Default Re: Need advice on next move with ex - she broke NC now pulling away

    Definitely to get back together ... I was willingly to try and ride out the NC but the added pressure of my deploying has spurred me to action, also she has mentioned to mutual friends she doesn't want to be seen as being weak following a fairly one sided marriage in which her husband treated her like crap and is still very passive aggressive - as a word of caution she is a psychologist!!

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    Default Re: Need advice on next move with ex - she broke NC now pulling away

    Really appreciate the time n effort ... Realise it's an epic post!!

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    Default Re: Need advice on next move with ex - she broke NC now pulling away

    I feel most psychologists are narcissists anyways lol. I should know because I am one. :P

    Ok so I'm going to give you a quote from Swinggcats book, which in turn he got from a fairly famous philosopher.

    "All things are subject to interpretation. Whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth." - Friedrich Nietzche

    This is what's called frame control in the community. So her interpretation of your jealousy as a pre-determinating factor in a long term relationship can be easily turned over if you have another frame that's strong enough.

    Ever been in argument with someone and their side made so much sense that you ended up agreeing with them and sometimes apologizing? Then after a few days you think of a "comeback" that you should have said that very day, but didn't think of it? Well ya can't bring it up now hotshot. The argument is already settled!!

    This is because they had a strong frame and got you sucked into it. Most of the time (when it comes to relationships) it's not about who's right and who's wrong. It's about power or frame control.

    So if you wanted you could re-frame her need for space as her having issues with committment. Or her lack of understanding your feelings about the situation are selfish. Whatever you want really.

    Well that takes care of that. As for moving forward..... Just stop the bouncing around and just call her and set a solid meet date. You're about to deploy dammit!! Don't even ask. Just TELL HER the date, time, and what to wear. Don't even tell her where your taking her and make it a surprise. Have and "I don't give a sh1t" kind of attitude without being overly douche baggy about it and you will be fine. Only apologize for your actions, not your feelings. And you only should do THAT like once a month lol.

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    Default Re: Need advice on next move with ex - she broke NC now pulling away

    I suspected there were commitment issues as she came out of a long term relationship when we hooked up so can def play the frame control switch up. We have had a meet date already and she brought up our relationship and asked if I wanted to be friends ... Following that. Last weekend she has limited contact again despite coffee turning into a dinner date. Will my direct approach not cause her to resist my advances? I've also noticed a few orbiters on the scene who I'm sure are undermining my position. If I do get her to meet do I tell her what I want/feel? Also if we sant set a fate do I have n alternative ie phone her? Thanks for reply def opened up some new approaches for me!

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    Default Re: Need advice on next move with ex - she broke NC now pulling away

    Quote Originally Posted by Bctemplar View Post
    I suspected there were commitment issues as she came out of a long term relationship when we hooked up so can def play the frame control switch up. We have had a meet date already and she brought up our relationship and asked if I wanted to be friends ... Following that. Last weekend she has limited contact again despite coffee turning into a dinner date. Will my direct approach not cause her to resist my advances? I've also noticed a few orbiters on the scene who I'm sure are undermining my position. If I do get her to meet do I tell her what I want/feel? Also if we sant set a fate do I have n alternative ie phone her? Thanks for reply def opened up some new approaches for me!
    It will be up to your best judgement if you feel going direct will be enough to get her out. But there is a way to be direct and throw in some "jerk" material in there.

    I would suggest this only if you feel that a casual convo about setting up a date would not be enough and you need to spark some uncomfortable emotions. You know her better so you will have to decide.

    " Hey so you know I'm deploying and would like to do *blank* (name a fun activity) before I deploy. (name a specific time and date) If I don't hear from you by tomorrow I'll take that as an answer and ask someone else. Enjoy your day hun."

    The reason for naming an activity, that YOU want to do, is so that she knows that you are going to do it with or without her. This meetup isn't about you and her, necessarily, so it takes alot of the pressure off because you simply want to do something fun. So when you say you will ask someone else this gives the idea in her mind that you would ask another WOMAN. So she will likely get jealous. If she gets upset (calls you a jerk) do not be shaken by this and hold your ground that it's not your intention to get her jealous and she's being dramatic. Be glad that you sparked conflict because as we all know, women love conflict.

    Again only use this as a last resort if you think you can't get her to meet up any other way.

    So if you do meet then I feel you should let her guess how you feel. Mix signals deserve mixed signals. By confusing her of your intentions she will want to figure out your agenda and this will stimulate her mind and ultimately her body. This is the reason we use push/pull. To confuse her by showing interest then showing disinterest. Whether with our bodies or our words. Focus on changing her MOOD about you, not her MIND. This Mindset alone has helped me in so many situations because everyone is so LOGICAL about everything.

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    Default Re: Need advice on next move with ex - she broke NC now pulling away

    That's great I will alpha up and make the date! Is there anything I can do whilst I'm away during our enforced period of NC/LC to build the reattraction? 2 months is quite a long time and don't want her to make a psychological break from me ... I.e replace me!

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    Default Re: Need advice on next move with ex - she broke NC now pulling away

    Quick update ... Having read more posts on your site and her not getting in touch I have taken decisive action! I've deleted her off my Facebook and other social networks, gonna ask for my stuff out the house and totally freeze her out. Feeling stronger already! Fortune favours the bold as they say


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