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Thread: Help, dont know where to go from here on getting back X

  1. #1
    Victory37 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Help, dont know where to go from here on getting back X

    Guys, I'm new here, so thanks for taking time to read my post. Here is the deal: I dated my girl for just over a year, we had a great relationship, but I made a few mistakes and lost her trust by little white lies that just piled up. This made her act not her best, and the last month before the break up, it was just too much and she left me. We lived together for 6 months out of our relationship. I never cheated, was loyal, still love her, and no my mistakes I made and know to never do it again.

    I made a stupid decision when after we broke up to move out back to my dads for a while ( im 25 btw, shes 21 ).. I begged and flooded her with texts/calls. Begging her to get back with me, made myself look completely lost and desperate with out her. She is starting law school, so is still on the buzz of like a new chapter in her life. When I was begging/ constantly talking about us, she wanted nothing to do with me, then I waited it out, kept being nice, and at the beginning of the month ( august ) I texted her to see if she was going to be able to pay her rent ( we lived together I paid most of the bills, she works minimal because of school ), and she said she was struggling. I insisted i step in and help her out, and paid the rent, and her electric bill, and that night we went out for drinks and I talked to her about how sorry I was etc.. In convos prior she has always told me, we just cant be together, at least right now .Leaving the door open for maybe later

    After that, I expected her to text me and things to be different, and of course, they weren't. Finally she talked to me on the phone and she told me " If you ever wanted it to be like it was, back off and let me come to you " Now if any of you know that is a hard pill to swallow, so I was just like ok. I didnt text her at all this past saturday and was about to initiate NC, when sunday she texts me " Hey, how are you doing ". I was shocked to say the least, I responded like 2 hours later and said " good, you " She then wrote back and said meet her at starbucks she will be there studying if I wanted to talk, so I said I probably shouldn't, but then 3 hours later I text her and said I would stop by because im in the area. I get there, and she starts talking about what the latest is in her life, and my god she looked AMAZING.. After we were talkign for a little while, she says she's hungry and wants to go eat. I say ok, and then I offer to take one car and she gets in mine and we go. I let her pick the place and I pay. I didn't mention us, or anything about being together, just played it cool, made her laugh, and listened to her. This was very hard because I wanted to tell her how crazy I am about her and how much I want her, but I refrained. It went really well, and before I went to bed I texted her that I had fun, and for her to have ag ood night. She did the same, but now today is the next day and I haven't texted her all day.

    I kind of dont know where to go from here? Should I just wait for her to contact me and never initiate? I don't want to come on to strong and ask her out on a date. I literally am clueless on what to do, all I know is I want her back more than anything. I am staying away from other girls so when we do get back together, theres no drama. I don't know if she is talking to anyone, I don't think so because she wouldnt be out with me right? I know this is a long story and stuff, but I really need some advice, Please guys, anyone who has been ehre before knows how hard it is. I really want her back.. Thanks

  2. #2
    Victory37 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Help, dont know where to go from here on getting back X

    still haven't heard anything, I am really tempted to text her and initiate, but I know I shouldn't..

    come on someone who is been here, let me know what to do

  3. #3
    Victory37 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Help, dont know where to go from here on getting back X

    well im going to bed, and she hasn't texted me all today..which i dont get because she told me at dinner last night that she would probably need my help picking up a piece of furniture in my truck on tuesday.. maybe she is just waiting till tommorow? she is a smart girl, young but smart ( law school after all ) maybe she knows the game, and is waiting for me to initiate?? please help :/

  4. #4
    Saund128 is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: Help, dont know where to go from here on getting back X

    From what I am hearing, i think you should wait for her to contact you. She is obviously interested in seeing you and will probably contact you soon. Don't get too ahead of yourself though. Girls want you to chase them even if they don't necessarily want you back. My gf broke up with me a month and a half ago after being together for 2 years and just a month after moving in together. I initiated no contact even though she wanted to remain friends. I had to tell her that I could not be friends with her right now and that I needed space. That might seem like a terrible idea but it was the only way I could gain some control back. It's all about getting control back. If I were you I would play hard to get. If it is truly meant to be then she will keep trying to contact you. Let her squirm a little to make her realize that you are not just waiting around for her.

    Best of luck to you man. Just know that you are not the only one going through this. I struggle with the thought of my breakup everyday and it has almost been two months.

  5. #5
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    BatMan is offline PUA All Star
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    Default Re: Help, dont know where to go from here on getting back X

    There are alot of things going on here. Perhaps too much to explain here. I can tell you what to do, but it will be giving you a fish instead of teaching you how to fish. So what I type next is something you have to accept without challenge. If you want the understand the reasons behind it then you will have to do your own research. There are plenty of good resources on this site and your general search engine.

    1. No contact. She even said it herself to let her chase you. I know the feeling of wanting to chase someone but they never let you breath so there's no incentive.

    2. Talk to other women. You don't have to sleep with them but flirt. If there is drama then so what. You are a single alpha male and don't have to apologize for that. Especially if you aren't sure if she's talking to anyone. (Btw never ask if she's talking to anyone)

    3. Re-Invent yourself. Learn as much about PUA as you can and soak up as much as you can.

    I myself have gone through similar breakups so I know what it takes. I'm usually open for interpretation about my advice but what I just gave you I am very confident in. Trust that this will work. Also I think you should really delve into frame control. This alone can increase your chances tenfold.

    "All things are subject to interpretation. Whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth."

  6. #6
    Victory37 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Help, dont know where to go from here on getting back X

    AhhH I had something written and it deleted all of it!! Ok, thank you guys for taking time to respond. I didn't have a text waiting for me when I woke up today, which made me pretty upset. If and when she does contact me, what do I say? If she needs help with the table thing today, do I do it? What if she asks to meet up? These are where I am struggling the most. I am in no way interested in getting over her, I believe that she is a female and there has to be away for me to get her back. At one point in our relationship she was confident we were going to get married, and this was around 4 months ago.. Those feelings can't just be ' erased '.

    I saw her sunday and can't believe I ever let her get away. I am unfamiliar with the term ' frame control ' what is that? Also any other pointers to go from here would be awesome.

    Saund, you ever get her back?

  7. #7
    BatMan's Avatar
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    Default Re: Help, dont know where to go from here on getting back X

    I think every man should try to get an ex back at least once. Only YOU know when you are done trying.

    Not sure what table thing you are refering to, but if it has you behaving as a boyfriend without the official title then I recommend to NOT do it. Just let her know that you would like to help, but that you are busy so you can't. Nothing malicious.

    If she asks to meet up then that is up to you. It wouldn't be a bad thing to meet up with her, but seems like she could use a bit of unavailability from you. This will help rebuild the attraction which is essential in a healthy relationship.

    Her feelings of marriage are not erased, just shifted. You have to understand that if you don't give someone the emotional space to express their affection for you then they will start to feel smothered and eventually feel like they do not have to do anything to earn YOUR affection. They can easily take you for granted at this point which is both of your faults, and yet neither of your faults at the same time.

    I'm sure she WANTS to be a certain way with you, but if you have been needy and desperate with her then that is considered smothering and she will feel like she is in a small box with only two air holes. Give her emotional space. Not just physical.

    Imagine two people watching a sunset together on the beach. One person is wearing purple sunglasses....the other wearing orange sunglasses. The purple and orange are their FRAMES. They are looking at the same thing, but different sides. The ability to take the other persons shades away and giving them a set of frames that you prefer is FRAME CONTROL. Have you ever had an argument with your girlfriend and she made so much sense that you eventually agree with her? Only to realize two days later that you JUST thought of something that would be the perfect "comeback" but since you didn't think of it at the time it no longer matters? That is because her frame was stronger than yours. If you start to pay attention and even reflect, most disagreements aren't so much about who is right and who is wrong, but who has a stronger frame or "perception of reality."

  8. #8
    Victory37 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Help, dont know where to go from here on getting back X

    cool bro thanks, I have an update for everyone: 9am this morning I am at work and much to my surprise she calls me. I was totally caught off guard and reflecting I feel like I acted too much disinterested in the conversation.

    She was on her way to school and simply said, " Sorry I didn't call or text you yesterday I was studying and so busy I just came home and went to sleep , wanted to see how you are today though " I was like no i don't care its ok, im good thanks. The conversation was pretty brief with nothing really talked about, but was just throwing this out there because it just happened a few hours ago. Now im all like wanting to text her and stuff but i have not. Any insight on this?

    Thanks for the frame control def, really helps

  9. #9
    Victory37 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Help, dont know where to go from here on getting back X

    update #2 today: she calls me again at 4:30 i didnt get the phone ring, just got a voicemail.. its sure enough about how she isn't going to get the table today and just calling to let me know, because I was going to help her as stated before..Thanks for my help yada yada.. I call back she doesn't answer I leave a voicemail stating, whatever about the table its ok. talk to you soon.

    Then at this point I look in the mirror and realize I was looking pretty fly so I text her and say " I know you're probably studying, I'll come grab you and get something to eat, when you see this, call me " She then calls me only to tell me she'd love to go out to eat, but she had just ate, and now she's on her way to her moms to just relax.. We exchanged some BS convo about our day, and then I ended it with well if you want to go out for a drink or something later call me.. ( probably dumb on my part )

    Anyways, thats that.. fml

  10. #10
    JT2012 is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: Help, dont know where to go from here on getting back X

    I don't think you should keep asking her to go out and get food or drinks or help paying rent or studying. I feel like right now she "has you" without you actually being hers. You are still playing the bf roll without the bf title. You need to distance yourself man. If you don't, you might end up emotionally hurt.

    Just like you said in your previous post. You were upset when you woke up because she didn't text you back. That's not good. Also, she said let HER chase YOU. By inviting her places all the time still makes it seem like you are doing the chasing.

    I'm in a similar sitch man. It's gonna put you in the friendzone if you keep it up. Keep in contact. see here once every week/week and a half. Text her once maybe twice a week but leave it up to her to contact you. Cat and String Theory will bring her back.


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