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Thread: break up after 2.5years; want suggestions

  1. #21
    1000steps is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: break up after 2.5years; want suggestions

    Thank you all.

    Let me make somethings clear then because it looks like not everything got through.

    I have initiated and stuck with no contact 100% unless she was the one that made contact. When she did I kept it short.

    The reason for our break up is simply because I've stopped being the guy I was back in the beginning. I meant well, but did wrong. I dlv'd big time towards the end especially during our very stressful last months at university. Then, she went abroad for a couple of weeks (it has to do with what she studied) and I was lonely. I didn't have fun, whereas if she was gone during our first two years I would have had the time of life even without her. That is what changed.

    I am not in massive pain as you might think. Yes I have ugly moments but they come and go and it's natural. I'm going out with friends and having fun. I'm also (re-learing how to) meet new people especially girls. I do have a life outside of her but for the last few months I had made her the center of my life. I'm rediscovering (quite quickly) my life without her. If she wants to come back, great.. although it's not as easy as her just saying so. She has to show me she's willing to invest in us. As much as I love her, I'm not a puppet.

    I'm regaining my confidence which I had when we started going out. When everything in my life was in place. When I got straight As at university. When I was meeting girls on campus every day and making friends. When some people were alarmed by my strong sense of inner confidence - I remember one guy trying to get a reaction from me by saying 'I bet you have a small penis.' I laughed so hard at that.

    If she texts me with more questions/problems or such I am going to tell her to back off. I'm busy on two important projects right now (and she knows it) as well as busy NOT pleasing her.

    I do want a relationship with her, eventually. But that's because it was a beautiful one up to where it wasn't. We share several passions, beliefs and the physical attraction is there. But I am not willing to go back to face the same problems. No I won't take that. I'm not interested in postponing a permanent break-up. I'm interested in re-creating my (old) new self and then give the relationship a shot. I'll do my best, and if she does her part it should work. This is why we always were and still are on good terms. We had/have a mature way of going about facing trouble. We became best friends after a few months which is a great thing to have with a lover in a LTR. I would bet that that's the main reason she still wants us to talk/communicate. [ Incidentally, I remember telling her a year or so ago that I'll always be fond of our memories even if we eventually break up. She agreed but told me to not think about that stuff! ]

    If it doesn't work.. so be it. I know that my biggest weakness is reverting to old habits and patterns. I am working on that. I can't put myself down forever just because I made a mistake. I'm just as human as the next guy and I always had good intentions.

    Thanks for reading.

  2. #22
    Saund128 is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: break up after 2.5years; want suggestions

    We seem to be in very similar situations, except that I must initiate contact since I told her I couldn't talk to her anymore. As of now, we know we both respect each other but we don't know what either of our intentions are.

    I have been talking to girls and getting numbers at bars, but tonight is my first real date with someone I met. I am pretty pumped. Hopefully this will help get my mind off my ex. I want to be at that point where I absolutely don't care if we get back together, because it's a win/win situation.

  3. #23
    ProtonCannon is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: break up after 2.5years; want suggestions

    i'm thoroughly satisfied to know all of that. you got this, man.

  4. #24
    Victory37 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: break up after 2.5years; want suggestions

    saund, good to hear, on my thread over there, i left it off with her calling me and i didnt answer remember? well i texted her at 2am when i got in last night and said " hey you, crazy day, just got time to myself, late to call so maybe i will hear from you tommorow ' then when i woke up she had texted me at 8am saying hope all is well and that she had to work etc...for some reason and i dont know why, i texted her back a very sexual text message, but not too vulgar, and i havent heard from her since.. i texted her about this dress she wore the last time she met and what i wanted to do with her basically, and i dont regret it, but i think it prob was a bad move, but i dont know what came over me.. i guess time will tell

  5. #25
    Saund128 is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: break up after 2.5years; want suggestions

    If you wanted my opinion, I would say you took a step backwards with that. But hell, maybe it'll work.

    I wouldn't say that unless I know how she will receive it or that I don't care how she will receive. Judging by what you have been saying, I'm assuming you are not in either of those categories.

    Put yourself in her shoes. Do you think she knows that she could have you back at the snap of a finger? Could she have you back at the snap of a finger? If my ex texted me right now and said "I miss you. I made a mistake" should I drop everything I'm doing and coddle her? Remember she broke up with you and caused you a lot of pain, it's ok to be a little mad at her, even though it may be your fault.

    She needs to understand that you aren't sitting back waiting for her and texting her at 2am in the morning doesn't help the cause.

    Think of her as a drug that you are trying to quit and every time you contact her you are taking a quick hit to ease the pain for awhile, which will just prolong the process.

    You probably already know this, but this process is a roller coaster. You probably have felt great one minute and then the next your lying in your bed thinking "WHAT HAPPENED?" Just stay the coarse. This will suck for awhile, but it will suck even more if you continue to contact her.

    Here is a little on my sitution:

    I deleted her off facebook, but from time to time ill look on it just to see if she has changed anything (which I shouldn't do but whatever). She is constantly changing her profile and cover photo. She is always tagging herself with a mutual friend of mine to show how much of a great time she is having. This may look bad for me, but in my eyes its just showing that she is trying prove to herself that she is over it. Maybe she is and maybe she isn't but to me she just looks confused. She wears a sh1t ton of make up now and acts like just another girl at a bar which she used to despise. I guess the more and more I talk about it, the more and more I wonder why am I wasting so much time thinking about her. I feel like I don't even know who she is.

    Anyway I think doing no contact will eventually bring you to a better perspective of the situation. Best of luck.

  6. #26
    Victory37 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: break up after 2.5years; want suggestions

    yeah bro, i hear you, i STILL haven't heard from her since the sexual text message, i wrote her back ' dont be offended, it means nothing, but i havent been with anyone in 2 months so thats why, i guess i'll wait to hear from you ' , lol, if she is mad bro oh well, i've been extremely good to her since the break up, so back to no contact i guess, unless she contacts me.. i WILL not contact her.. PERIOD!! but your girl is typical like mine, doing things she used to ' despise ', what a joke, and looks all pretty again?? like mine is going tanning, got her hair done, and yeah wearing more make up, its sucha joke.. oh well best of luck to you bro

  7. #27
    Saund128 is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: break up after 2.5years; want suggestions

    Quote Originally Posted by Victory37 View Post
    i've been extremely good to her since the break up, so back to no contact i guess, unless she contacts me.
    That sentence alone tells a lot.

    First of all, don't be extremely good to her. Just be indifferent with her. If she texts you again, don't reply for awhile and when you do say I'm busy right now. Continue to do this or just tell her you need space. If you are going to be there for her whenever she texts you, then I would consider this breaking no contact. I'm not just saying you need space because it is something good to say. YOU ACTUALLY NEED SPACE.

    Second, you need to commit to no contact, which means no breaks. Every time you contact her you have to start all over again. If you keep contacting her, she is going to remember you as being needy and won't get the chance to remember you as the person you were before all of this.

    Take in what I am saying. Because I honestly think you are ruining your chances right now. Admit to yourself that you have no words or actions that will bring her back to you right now. All you can change is yourself. I am not a big religious nut by I do like to think of gods serenity prayer.

    God grant me the serenity
    to accept the things I cannot change;
    courage to change the things I can;
    and wisdom to know the difference.

    So I went on this date tonight and holy crap this girl was a dime. I met her at a bar a couple weeks ago and didn't think much of her, but wow she looked good tonight. I feel really good about everything after tonight. I know that if I don't get back with my ex it'll be ok because there is plenty of woman to go around. I recommend dating dude. It may seem like the last thing you want to do right now, but I would force yourself to do it. Because it feels good.

    Keep your head up man.

  8. #28
    1000steps is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: break up after 2.5years; want suggestions

    Small update. I'm still implementing the no contact rule even though it gets tough at times. I was watching a movie yesterday night and while dosing off I got flashes of us together. This was very unexpected and threw me off. I guess I miss her more than I would have liked to think.

    Anyway, here is something interesting I should mention. I had posted about my situation on another place on the internet and one respected member told me that I should just make a decision. Be a man about it. Decide whether you want to be with her or just move on. Either way make the decision and go through with it.

    ps. It looks like these discussions about our ex-relationships are one means of holding on to them. So I will only be updating in a few days (if anything happens).

  9. #29
    Victory37 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: break up after 2.5years; want suggestions

    Saund, I really wish you lived in this area bro so we could wing man it together, you seem way more intelligent than any of my friends. I need new bros to chill with!! Seriously, I feel hanging out with guys beneath you is a freaking handicapp. I updated my post on my original thread if you want my update saund.. I agree with the NC thing, she just has such a hold on me that is so hard to break. I am so scared she will move on completely. I know orbiters were around big time, so it just makes me mad. So when she texts me or calls me im saying ' I need some space from you, no offense " ? like I said, I know if I date around I may get over her, its just I don't want to really. She is literally my dream girl, and has all of the things I want in a girl. eh, FML, thanks broz

  10. #30
    1000steps is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: break up after 2.5years; want suggestions

    Hey guys, I need some suggestions on this one.

    I mentioned before that she kept contacting me after the break up (about a week and a half ago). 6 days ago she sent me an email with an attachment (of some uni work) and asked me to send her mine. [We had already expressed our wish to read each other's back when we were together.]

    I sent her mine 2 days later and she responded that she had trouble opening the file (lol!). I didn't reply. Now she sent me another mail saying that she managed to unload the file and open it. She said it's cool and 'well done' and jokingly continued that she found a spelling mistake. She is clearly trying to remain in contact with me (a good sign) and also making an effort in being light-hearted when contacting me. (also a good sign?)

    Now this past week has done wonders for my self-confidence. I'm a hundred-times better.. the break up forced me to look deep in myself and some real growing has been going on. Infact I've lost the urge to get back together with her as soon as possible. If I get back together with her it's because we both choose it and we're both better persons after this.

    So here's the thing. Do I stop the no contact rule already? I don't really want to yet. But I don't want to be shitty and just ignore her like an angry spoiled kid. Some of you will suggest that I tell her directly that I need space but I don't anymore. Space was necessary before because I was hurt but now I'm much better. If I tell her that now, she'd think I'm still grieving. I'm sorry it sounds manipulative, but I do want her to see that I've moved on with my life (and in a healthy manner).

    I was planning on contacting her towards the end of August when she begins a new class. She's been looking forward to it and I thought I'd text her 'good luck'. I've done a lot of pushing so some pull would be appropriate.

    Any suggestions? about: the email, and the situation in general.

    Thank you


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