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Thread: break up after 2.5years; want suggestions

  1. #1
    1000steps is offline PUA in Training
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    Default break up after 2.5years; want suggestions

    Hey guys,
    About 3 years ago I started to get into pick-up because I was absolutely clueless. Thanks to the improvements I made, me and this girl built a really great relationship. I realize now that towards the end I dlv'd big time and stopped being the guy I was when she was incredibly in love with me. This made her unhappy.

    It's been 6 days since we officially broke up and I haven't initiated any contact with her. She texted me or emailed me everyday (except today, so far) and I responded with short, cheerful and joking replies.

    Obviously I do want her back but I don't want to go back and do the same mistakes. I'm trying to go out, meet new people, have fun and focus on things important in my life. At times, though, I really miss her. (Like today, we didn't speak at all). The reason I won't communicate with her is because I don't want to help her get over me even though I do suspect that it won't be easy for her, either, because we had a really great 2 years. One last comment I'd like to make is that the day before we broke up (almost a week ago) we were quite intimate so I think the physical attraction is still there.

    Any suggestions on what I should do?

  2. #2
    Saund128 is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: break up after 2.5years; want suggestions

    I can't tell you what to do but I will tell you what I did. I am in a similar situation as you. My ex broke up with me a month and a half ago after being together for 2 years. Two good years, we were best friends. It was out of nowhere and was devastating. We had just signed a lease on an apartment a month prior as well. I started no contact after about a week, but she still found reasons to contact me. She wanted to remain friends. So I had to flat out tell her that we needed to respect each others space right now and that I could not be friends with you right now. This did a few things for me:

    1) Gave me some control over the situation, which I think is key even if she doesn't want me back (yet).

    2) Gives me time to get over my emotions and to accept what happened.

    3) Gives her the chance to become curious of what I am doing.

    I have deleted her off facebook, deleted her off my phone, and stayed busy since.

    Its been about three weeks of no contact and just yesterday, I messaged her from my email account. She was asking a lot of questions and seemed curious. She seemed happy to talk but before the conversation got too long I ended it by saying " I got to go, I'll catch up with you later." Hopefully it will keep her wanting more. This is where I am at now.

    Sorry if I am getting to into my story too much, but if I have any chance of getting back with her at all I feel that I am taking the right approach. Hopefully this helps.

  3. #3
    liukang75 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: break up after 2.5years; want suggestions

    Stay no contact. If she calls or texts you, tell her that you agree with her decision to break-up and you don't think it's best if you two talk for awhile. If she pulls the LJBF crap tell her "sure, maybe someday but not right now". Shut her down and give her time to miss you. The more that you chase, the more you will end up pushing her away.
    “The great mistake is to anticipate the outcome of the engagement; you ought not to be thinking of whether it ends in victory or defeat. Let nature take its course, and your tools will strike at the right moment.” -Bruce Lee

  4. #4
    liukang75 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: break up after 2.5years; want suggestions

    Quote Originally Posted by Saund128 View Post
    I can't tell you what to do but I will tell you what I did. I am in a similar situation as you. My ex broke up with me a month and a half ago after being together for 2 years. Two good years, we were best friends. It was out of nowhere and was devastating. We had just signed a lease on an apartment a month prior as well. I started no contact after about a week, but she still found reasons to contact me. She wanted to remain friends. So I had to flat out tell her that we needed to respect each others space right now and that I could not be friends with you right now. This did a few things for me:

    1) Gave me some control over the situation, which I think is key even if she doesn't want me back (yet).

    2) Gives me time to get over my emotions and to accept what happened.

    3) Gives her the chance to become curious of what I am doing.

    I have deleted her off facebook, deleted her off my phone, and stayed busy since.

    Its been about three weeks of no contact and just yesterday, I messaged her from my email account. She was asking a lot of questions and seemed curious. She seemed happy to talk but before the conversation got too long I ended it by saying " I got to go, I'll catch up with you later." Hopefully it will keep her wanting more. This is where I am at now.

    Sorry if I am getting to into my story too much, but if I have any chance of getting back with her at all I feel that I am taking the right approach. Hopefully this helps.
    This is exactly how you do it.
    “The great mistake is to anticipate the outcome of the engagement; you ought not to be thinking of whether it ends in victory or defeat. Let nature take its course, and your tools will strike at the right moment.” -Bruce Lee

  5. #5
    1000steps is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: break up after 2.5years; want suggestions

    Thanks.

    Considering our relationship (we're still on good terms; always have been even when we had some difficulties) deleting her off fb will come off as immature and bratty.

    I am not chasing, at all.

    It seems that the general advice around the net is to have 30 days without contact. I'm not sure on this one because we were very close (physically and emotionally) but I'm afraid she might start to move on during the 30 days period. That would make it exceptionally difficult to get her back.

  6. #6
    1000steps is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: break up after 2.5years; want suggestions

    Quote Originally Posted by 1000steps View Post
    Thanks.

    Considering our relationship (we're still on good terms; always have been even when we had some difficulties) deleting her off fb will come off as immature and bratty.

    I am not chasing, at all.

    It seems that the general advice around the net is to have 30 days without contact. I'm not sure on this one because we were very close (physically and emotionally) but I'm afraid she might start to move on during the 30 days period. That would make it exceptionally difficult to get her back.
    Just an irrelevant edit: It's almost midnight where I am so this makes it the first day in 3 years where we didn't say a word. I guess I couldn't keep hoping that she'd keep texting first, could I? it's kinda hard..

  7. #7
    Victory37 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: break up after 2.5years; want suggestions

    i feel for you bro, same type of situation.. i'm really hurting, except i was an idiot and kept reaching out to her.. my advice to you is if you do reach out, take her out, talk etc.. do it for a few days, then wait for something she does while your out eating, that makes you ' remember of a bad time during your relationship ' and amplify it to the max. She will then be confused and think she did something wrong, thats the perfect time to pull away.

    This is my own theory and I recently just did this yesterday, I took her out to lunch and was playing that I was going to put a piece of lettuce in her drink, she was like " what are you 3 ? "" and I totally lost interest after that, and she knew. Then when I left and drove away in my car, she had called and I didnt answer, I had a voicemail of her saying, sorry, and how thankful she was that I had been taking her out etc.. So now It is perfect timing for me to be able to pull away and have control of the situation, I didnt call her or text her back yesterday after, and nothing today. She hasn't done the same, but its the weekend and I know she will try her hardest not to contact me, we will see.. I hope this helps you by trying something the same. god luck

  8. #8
    ProtonCannon is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: break up after 2.5years; want suggestions

    i've been there, man. i lost her, got her back from a new boyfriend, and lost her again.

    give it a month. don't completely blow her off, it's a little d1ck-ish and may breed resentment down the line. communicate to her that you need time to focus on yourself and other important areas of your life - that you have only the best intentions. demonstrate that she no longer has priority over your time the same way as when you were in a relationship in a friendly manner.


    over the time apart, thoughts and realizations will occur to you that you probably won't expect. you'll need time to also internalize those revelations - put them into practice, etc. the overpowering emotions will die down a little and you'll be able to see and think things through more clearly. whatever you decide to do from there is up to you. try to examine what it was about the relationship or other aspects of your life that caused you to start acting less attractive. handle it. maybe the source of the problem wasn't even you.


    you sound like a smart guy and i'm sure you don't want to go back with the same problems still in hand. get into a new head space - you can't solve a problem with the same thinking that got you there in the first place. don't let fear or neediness be the primary motivators in your reconciliation. if you get back together before you've solved these problems because you're afraid she'll move on, then those problems will come up again and the next break-up may prove to her that there's no hope. she may try to, but she's still human - it's impossible to get over a three-year relationship in a month - even if she started dating ryan gosling. you can't solve these problems and juggle a relationship at the same time. leave her alone and fix yourself so that you have a whole person to offer the next girl you date, whether it be her or someone else.

    your chances are not over, but to give yourself the best chance under any circumstances (with or without her), develop yourself first. good luck.

  9. #9
    Rando9009 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: break up after 2.5years; want suggestions

    I would say that you are doing the right thing, just try to keep your cool and play if off as if its no big deal. Think about if you've ever broke up with a clingy girl yourself... and how her chasing after you made you feel (pushed more and more away). I just find it always helps to try to think of you being in the opposite situation, and sometimes it can give you some insight as to what may work.

    You definatly have a great chance of it coming back around, at least even into some random re-bound hook ups with her as well. Just a word of advice.... if she does start coming back around, or it appears that you start dating again.... DO NOT be the one to start bringing up the topic of "so what are we now, are we dating again" thing cuz it will scare her off quicker than you'll believe.

    Obviously every girl is different. But speaking from experience here. A girl I dated for 4 yrs came back around after breaking up with me, we were almost like dating again for like a month, but when I tried to bring the titles question back into play she took off for good. Awhile after the fact, I realized it was for the best...

    If she dosn't come back, don't sweat it. It's hard but you may realize down the line it was for the best as well.

  10. #10
    Saund128 is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: break up after 2.5years; want suggestions

    Deleting her off of facebook may seem immature and dickish but it's something that I needed to do for myself. If I didn't delete it, I would probably creep it constantly. Don't base your decisions worrying about how she reacts but for yourself. She will respect you for it in the long run.


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