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  1. #1
    Shortman is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Ex of 2-1/2 years broke it off 1 month ago

    Hello everyone,

    So my story like so many before me goes like this...

    I have been with my ex for the past 2-1/2 years, I am 24 she is 21. This past summer I was out training with the US biathlon team in Vermont (yes I'm an athlete) while she stayed home in Oregon. We did this last summer and I was gone for 3 months. Well, this past month I was gone (this time for only 3 weeks) for training camp while she stayed back. Her cousins wedding happened to be the same time my training camp was going on and I couldn't make it, you know where this is headed...

    One night I went out with friends while she was at her cousins wedding and she was at the reception. I told her have fun and love you, she texted back saying she is now going to the reception and cell service is no good, she loves me, etc. That night I sent her 2 text (one a simple :*) to let her know I was thinking of her even though I was out with the other athletes, then the last one several hours later at 3am (good night). She replied back at 6am my time (3am west coast) hey babe, I got a little sick, hope your not mad at me, talk to you in them morning.

    For the first time ever, I got mad, something in my gut made me feel weird about this. So I didn't respond to her until the next evening "you alive?". She texted back yes. I told her then "you know, lately I've been feeling that your ignoring me and if your not going to put in the effort then I am not either."

    This caused her to apologize 2-3 times, saying sorry, I don't understand why your mad, I told you cell service was bad (which if it was, why would she text me at the end of the night O.o). Anyways, whatever, I let things go and said we can talk later. She said yes, I dont want to blow this over because I'm upset.

    Moving on... we end up skyping and she decides we need a break as she balls her eyes out for about an hour. I remain calm and say ok, is this a break or break up, because I am telling you right now if your breaking up, we cannot be friends, I do not want to fark my friends, and I won't contact you anymore. She says she doesn't know, blah blah and we end the convo there.

    The same night she emails me saying she is sorry, that she feels she can't support me in what I do and that I deserve someone who can. She mentioned during the breakup that she had been feeling us drift apart for about 2 months (no shock there) and that she didn't feel appreciated enough. She wanted someone who would work as hard as her or harder. This was extremely hard to hear and confusing, because I travel the world racing, I support her in her hobby (horse racing) and make more money than she does by a mile. I asked her what she meant, she felt that lately I lost motivation, that she worked full time, went to school full time, and balanced us and horses. I go to school full time as an engineer, race for the US biathlon team and feel I balance things just fine. The difference is, I do get more time off during the days when I am home and not out racing.

    Fast forward now to today, that was July 24th. We spoke on and off, I called her once and tried to get a better grip on things and for a minute it sounded like she was coming around. She told me she could never tell me how she feels because she was afraid of losing me, and she didn't want to lose me (so farked up right? so I was a bit taken back when she did).

    I've read the whole how to get your ex back system by Matt Huston, Crucial conversations and love languages by Dr. Chapman and they helped open my eyes on being better at communicating with your loved one and not putting them on a pedestal. I went no contact 2 weeks ago and she messaged me last week asking to talk, wanting to redo our conversation from the week prior where we met face to face for the first time (since I just got back between trips). She told me she felt that I was giving up on her, that when I spoke to her friend she didn't know what to think and it made her angry that I didn't speak directly with her. I told her I have been trying but lately our communication was getting us nowhere or moving forward, etc. Anyways, she continues to post things on facebook (I know i'm not suppose to look) but I check in every once in a while because I'm trying to gauge where she is at with all of this.

    She goes on posting the little e card things like "Don't take me for granted, unlike others I am not afraid of moving on." <--- this was right after she told me she was afraid of losing me lol

    I went to Santiago, Chile last week for 10 days for some race championship which was a nice break and perfect way to start no contact. I made sure to post pictures, video, etc of the races and stuff on facebook which she can and does see...

    This week she contacted me again through gmail chat (we agreed that this was the best method of communication for now) saying hey, just checking in to see how you are... then yesterday helloooooooo, just wanted to wish you luck on your race friday ( to which I replied the next day, thanks, go kick some butt this weekend yourself) she replied back within minutes "welcome. And thanks"

    facebook status for her right during these times. "I want to be someones favorite hello and hardest goodbye." then this morning... "just because you miss someone doesn't mean you need them back in your life, missing is just a part of moving on."

    It sounds very much to me like she wants to grab my attention, but I am not giving her it. I haven't initiated any contact, I've remained friendly throughout this entire debacle and indifferent, agreeing this break up was for the best, etc.

    I'm curious as to what thoughts everyone has on this situation? Sorry for rambling on, it's still fresh in my mind. (I've gone on dates since, got a girl from Chile who is going to fly down next week to meet up with me and an old friend I dated right before my ex that I stopped talking to because I met the ex.)

  2. #2
    Victory37 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Ex of 2-1/2 years broke it off 1 month ago

    i can relate, im 25, my ex is 21.. so i know that age group of women. sounds to me like she definitely is trying to bait you with those statuses.. keep doing what you are doing and it will drive her insane, at least thats my 2 cents.. don't give her the reaction, because odds are its all one big Sh1t Test. every time she posts something like that, you should use it for reassurance that she is thinking about you, and will eventually be begging for you back.. good luck man

  3. #3
    Shortman is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Ex of 2-1/2 years broke it off 1 month ago

    Yeah I hear you Victory, we are both running in this Hood to Coast relay this weekend on separate teams so chances are I will see her at the beach party at the end. I'll keep everyone up to date on what happens.

  4. #4
    Alexander Nicoles Advice is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Ex of 2-1/2 years broke it off 1 month ago

    From your experience it is clear that your Ex had problems with your career. There is also some indications that although you two were together, there were still some hidden issues that the both of you were not addressing to see the relationship work. To get your Ex back if you want to, it may help to openly discuss the problem. What do you want? What does she want? once you both know the answer to that question find out whether these conflict or agree with your future goals or ambitions. if it does,then there may be a future. I usually like to think of the future of two people as marriage(own view).

  5. #5
    Shortman is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Ex of 2-1/2 years broke it off 1 month ago

    Quote Originally Posted by Alexander Nicoles Advice View Post
    From your experience it is clear that your Ex had problems with your career. There is also some indications that although you two were together, there were still some hidden issues that the both of you were not addressing to see the relationship work. To get your Ex back if you want to, it may help to openly discuss the problem. What do you want? What does she want? once you both know the answer to that question find out whether these conflict or agree with your future goals or ambitions. if it does,then there may be a future. I usually like to think of the future of two people as marriage(own view).
    We spoke through gmail at length and both seemed to come to the conclusion that it was a break down in communication. There have been several times where she can't pick up my sarcasm through texting, etc. She said she still needs time to heal because we both did and said things that were bad and she is trying to forget the bad. I already decided to throttle back on biathlon a lot this year and stay back in Oregon to train more as I like being home. She told me she wants me to work harder at our relationship which I can see how I got comfortable and she won't commit until she see's me committed. So there are definitely the big issues that will be fixed, I just explained to her that the only way for me to actually show you this change in the long run is to try and restart fresh from scratch with our relationship.

    I asked her actually 2 weeks ago 1) What do you want for yourself? 2) What do you want for me? and 3) What do you want for our relationship?

    1) She wants happiness 2) Wants me to work harder 3) She would like a relationship like we had when we first were together

    For now I am staying no contact, told her that when she is ready to talk again or restart from scratch she knows how to reach me, I'm done playing games and will work on myself like I have been. So that is where I stand today. I went out with a new girl this past week and she is really amazing, so either way whatever happens I'm in a much better place than I was 6 weeks ago when this all first happened. I'd be willing to restart the relationship, but only under the condition that she and I work on communicating effectively and listening to each other first.

    I'll keep updating as we go, so far no contact for the past week. I'll shoot a text or call before school starts Sept. 23rd if i don't hear back from her before then, otherwise just going to stick to my plan of staying busy.

  6. #6
    Saund128 is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: Ex of 2-1/2 years broke it off 1 month ago

    Man all of our situations are different but are alike in a lot of ways. Your situation is a lot like mine. She didn't feel appreciated and that's what I honestly think it was. I am going to bet that she talked with another guy at that reception or maybe something more, which is exactly what happened in my situation. My ex talked with another guy and it made her ask the question "What would it be like not to be with {me}?"

    One thing that I would recommend even though it may be too late. If she ever brings up the relationship again, I would put the blame entirely on yourself. I have heard this works well. They don't expect it. I took my ex for granted and she didn't feel appreciated, just like your situation.

    If my ex ever brings up what went wrong in the relationship, I am going to tell her that I became complacent and I took her for granted. I will end with "you deserve better than that".

  7. #7
    Shortman is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Ex of 2-1/2 years broke it off 1 month ago

    Saund

    I did tell her that I got complacent, it sucked but woke my eyes up and said it was a good thing that this happened as hard as it was for me....

    I'll keep you updated if anything happens, it's been 9 days since she spoke with me through text.

  8. #8
    Victory37 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Ex of 2-1/2 years broke it off 1 month ago

    hang tough shorty, we are all pulling for you

  9. #9
    Shortman is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Ex of 2-1/2 years broke it off 1 month ago

    Just updating on the situation... there is no update yet, going on 2-1/2 weeks no contact. If I don't hear back by the end of this month I will shoot her either a quick message through text about something funny she reminded me of or a quick hand written letter.

  10. #10
    Shortman is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Ex of 2-1/2 years broke it off 1 month ago

    UPDATE:

    Today was her parents 25th anniversary so I decided to send her parents flowers as a nice gesture as I was close with them and even worked with her dad for quite a while. I sent the flowers saying "Happy 25th Anniversay, have a great day. signed me"

    Noticed later this evening (we kept our facebooks public but not friends) that she blocked me entirely from facebook...

    So in the spirit of being nice, I sent her a text today (first time since August 24th ish?) saying "Hope your doing well *name. I sent your parents flowers for their anniversary. How are you."

    No reply, and I think at this point it is safe to write this one off. Apparently whatever I did must of caused some emotional reaction as she blocked me. Whether this is good or bad I don't know but I'll just keep moving forward.

    What are your thoughts?


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