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Thread: Broken Up With After 3 Great Months - How Can I Get Her Back?

  1. #1
    dr298 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Broken Up With After 3 Great Months - How Can I Get Her Back?

    I had been dating a girl for 3 months. We went out about 2-3 times per week and generally seemed to have a great time together. We had so many things in common and a great physical connection. I was really starting to think there was long-term potential here.

    If there were any problems with the relationship, in my opinion, it was the fact that we both had a lot of weekend obligations over the summer. These weekends spent out of town prevented us from being able to see each other most weekends. I saw this as a temporary issue that prevented us from getting close to each other more quickly, but I figured it would go away once the summer ended and we both had more free time.

    Exactly a week ago, she was on her way back from a weekend spent away (family commitment) and I got a text from her asking if I was free to meet for a talk the following night. I knew this was bad news. As it turned out, I couldn't meet until the night after and we agreed to do that. Later that night, I decided it wasn't worth putting myself through the agony of anticipation for two days, so I decided to call her.

    She broke up with me on the phone call. In her mind, I had all of the qualities she had ever wanted in a guy. She thought we had so many things in common and that I treated her exactly as she'd want someone to treat her. She was adamant about the fact that she thought I'd never done anything wrong (quite the opposite). She was also adamant about the fact that she's always enjoyed herself while out with me...but for whatever reason, she felt that our personalities didn't entirely connect and there was some kind of distance holding us back from clicking and getting closer the way she'd have expected to after three months.

    At one point in the conversation, she offered to let it sit for a week or two and see where things end up, but I felt like it was almost a silly offering at that point. It seemed like she went into the conversation determined to end things and I wasn't going to jump on a pity offering that could have come out of weakness at the time.

    In order to give you a full understanding about things, here are a few more points that I feel I should add to the conversation:

    - There was definitely a great physical connection between us. You can see facial expressions and body language on someone else that just can't be faked sometimes, and I saw this on her whenever we were together.

    - Believe it or not, our three month experience was the longest relationship she's ever had. She's in her late 20s and has gone on a number of first dates, second dates, etc., but never for as long as things lasted with me. I know this is unusual and a lot can be made of it.

    - She acknowledged that she was sad and disappointed about the way she felt, and wished she hadn't felt this way since she really wanted it to work between us.

    - She also said that there were times when she did feel that we clicked the way she was looking for...it just wasn't always there like she thought it should be.

    - She acknowledged that she could be making a big mistake.

    - She said it's probably the last thing I want to hear, but she would like to stay in touch if I would.

    I was really surprised by all of this. I didn't see it coming. I deliberately took things slowly in light of her limited relationship history. I've been in some serious ones myself, so I never wanted her to feel rushed and tried to go at a pace that I felt she might be comfortable with. I also think that the weekends spent away from each other made it harder to spend the time together in order to build the connection she's talking about.

    I told her I felt she was great, and that I was surprised and upset by this all. As for keeping in touch, I told her I'd need some time to think about that and see how I feel before I could make a decision.

    I know that conventional wisdom might say I just need to move on here, but I really feel like there was something special there. I had such a great time whenever we saw each other and I haven't felt this way about someone in a really long time (I've dated a fair bit). We were all there on paper and I feel like the connection is something that builds up some more over time.

    It's been a week now and I haven't reached out to her or heard from her. However, a few nights ago, she viewed my online dating profile on the site we met on. This was surprising to me, especially since she'll know I was able to see that she looked.

    I'd do anything to get her back. I have a few friends that are insisting I should casually reach out to her next week and send a brief text or email asking if she has time for a quick drink. They think I should tell her I know exactly where she was coming from, but to point out the reasons I thought caused this and to show the fact that I'm committed to doing anything to making things work, even if it means sacrificing some pride. They figure I have so much more to gain than to lose by trying.

    If I got a firm no, I'd definitely go NC from there. I'd plan to move on with my life, begin dating new girls, and put this experience behind me once and for all.

    What would you suggest doing from here? Take a chance with the talk? Go for LC and try to let the "connection" she was talking about happen naturally? Or continue on with full NC?

    Thanks a lot for taking the time to read this, and for any suggestions. I know it was really long, but I wanted to paint the full picture as best as I could.

  2. #2
    PuppetMaster is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Broken Up With After 3 Great Months - How Can I Get Her Back?

    Most of your bullet points are superfluous.. The one thing that stands out to me is the online dating site profile view. You're right. She does know that you can see her stalking you. So that leads me to believe that through some concoction of whatever odd relationship issues she has and the fact that you could give her three months of the normalcy she has been lacking heretofore, you clearly fill some void/metaphor in her life... maybe the regular hang outs were a bit too conventional for her. But it still genuinely bothered her that she had to oust you from her life... so she seeked out your attention regardless via the profile view. In any case, if you want her back, and I am not sure if you can get someone like this back especially if she's in her early 20s and needs to play the field even more to find out she wants something more than an endless loop of first dates... you need to cut off contact until she learns the error of her ways. I imagine if you don't speak to her for a good month, she will text you one night, out of guilt for ruining the one healthy thing she had, and out of missing you too..

    Good luck.

  3. #3
    dr298 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Broken Up With After 3 Great Months - How Can I Get Her Back?

    Thanks for the advice. The one thing I just want to address is that she's actually in her late 20s, not early 20s. Every indication she gave to me was that she's looking for a guy to settle down with. Does this change things in your opinion?

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    Default Re: Broken Up With After 3 Great Months - How Can I Get Her Back?

    Just a few questions I'm curious about.

    - How old are both of you?

    - How often did you argue?

    - Who was the giver and who was the taker?

    - Have you slept together?
    "All things are subject to interpretation. Whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth."

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    Default Re: Broken Up With After 3 Great Months - How Can I Get Her Back?

    Quote Originally Posted by BatMan View Post
    Just a few questions I'm curious about.

    - How old are both of you?

    - How often did you argue?

    - Who was the giver and who was the taker?

    - Have you slept together?
    Thanks BatMan. Here are the answers..

    - We're 31 and 29.

    - Never a single argument.

    - I'd say the give ratio was 60/40 me/her, but that's when I factor in the fact that I paid for most dates (she would regularly offer to pay every few times though). I'd say it was close to even otherwise.

    - Yes, we've slept together. Since she hasn't gone too far into many relationships, she hasn't slept with many guys.

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    Default Re: Broken Up With After 3 Great Months - How Can I Get Her Back?

    Hmmm I think it has to do with attraction.

    You're safe, loyal, and romantic. These things belong in the comfort phase.

    I believe that raw, unhindered attraction is unstable, doubtful, and unpredictable. It makes you a challenge which then makes you into a puzzle she wants to solve. Once you are solved you run the risk of her seeking another puzzle.

    I think she meant everything she said. Just may not understand why. When she said she's sorry for feeling this way, I know what she means. I've been in the very spot that I wanted to be attracted and chase the woman I was with, but in her case she was really klingy. Not saying you are klingy, but may be too comfortable. Its important to mix it up from being comfortable to uncomfortable. And to never argue in 3 months sounds perfect. But we are humans and as humans we are natural problem solvers. Its how we evolved as a society. If there aren't any problems to solve, then why are we here? It may not be "problems" in a sense. You may also just need to set goals together. Which are problems not with each other, but with your futures. In this case though I think she just needs a little spice such as introducing a conflict or drama. No one goes to the movie where the couple is happy throughout the entire 2 hrs. They go to see what conflict arises and how they solve it together. Mind you this is just my take so feel free to he skeptical of my advice.
    "All things are subject to interpretation. Whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth."

  7. #7
    dr298 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Broken Up With After 3 Great Months - How Can I Get Her Back?

    Quote Originally Posted by BatMan View Post
    You may also just need to set goals together. Which are problems not with each other, but with your futures. In this case though I think she just needs a little spice such as introducing a conflict or drama. No one goes to the movie where the couple is happy throughout the entire 2 hrs. They go to see what conflict arises and how they solve it together. Mind you this is just my take so feel free to he skeptical of my advice.
    Thanks for the suggestion. She would get very into things when we were intimate together, so it would be hard for me to believe that she lost attraction entirely...but maybe you're talking about attraction on an emotional level where I wasn't enough of a challenge. I wasn't clingy by any means, but probably came across as pretty available.

    How would I go about implementing this all though? In her mind, it's been over for a week now and we haven't spoken once to each other. What do you think my next move(s) should be?

  8. #8
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    Default Re: Broken Up With After 3 Great Months - How Can I Get Her Back?

    First step is no contact for 3 weeks. If she contacts you before then that's fine. But you can't contact her for 3.

    In the meantime learn everything you can about the subject of attraction. Things like push/pull and Cat String Theory will help greatly. Understanding what gets most women to reach for more of you. To want your validation. Things like that.

    Also, watch some tv. Like reality shows. They are stupid to me, but I can see how people are drawn to the constant conflict. Study it and learn how to implement it.

    Not sure if there are separate terms for it, but there is an initial attraction and a stronger, solidified attraction. The solid attraction is more along the lines of appreciation, which is what I think she has for you. The initial attraction is more along the lines of curiosity. Which is the kind I think you could use.
    "All things are subject to interpretation. Whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth."

  9. #9
    dr298 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Broken Up With After 3 Great Months - How Can I Get Her Back?

    Most of my friends who know about the situation think I should send a quick email sometime this week, asking if she can meet for a drink...and then, in a nice but non-needy way, go through the reasons I think we weren't able to get as close as she was looking to get in three months' time.

    I had also been in a very serious relationship up until about 6 months before I met her, and she was the most serious I'd gotten with anyone then. I could explain how I was partially at fault for being a little guarded and not opening up as much as I should have either.

    I'd do this all in a positive way that showed her how committed I was to her.

    Do you think that by getting her out, explaining this, and trying to keep things light and upbeat otherwise, I'd absolutely be shooting myself in the foot here? I would never try this route again and go into NC if it didn't accomplish anything.

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    Default Re: Broken Up With After 3 Great Months - How Can I Get Her Back?

    Do not engage for three weeks!


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