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  1. #1
    MrDiesel is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Any chance if she broke up due to age gap

    Hello PUA enthusiasts / experts! I recently experienced being dumped for the first time in my life and it was the most painful thing I've ever gone through. I never knew such a board existed for people to share and improve each other's relationship (or just having fun) skills, good to know there is support

    Basically this girl I used to work with, we started dating from Dec '11 onwards till about June '12. She's the shy type and never had a bf before. Apart from occasional fights and makeups, things went well.

    However, in late June she found out that I was 31. This might sound stupid but I never actually mentioned my age to her before coz I thought she already knew. Turned out she always thought I was around 23-24 coz I look and act young. Shes 19, so there's a gap of 11 y rs. She was very upset when she found out coz she said she fell for me hard and liked me alot, but can't get her head around the age gap "right now", so she thought we shouldn't continue. I was devastated at the time and did the stupid thing of pleading for her to reconsider but it didn't work.

    Theres been abit of pushing and pulling from then till now, but I hate to bore yous with too much detail... so to sum things up, we've been in low contact from July - Aug, until on August 19th we met face to face to talk things out.

    Basically, she said she never wanted us to be apart, and that she never fully made a determined decision to breakup, but she just didn't feel right with the age gap right now and felt like it was something she just had to do. Also, she said she will be very upset (but will accept) if I be with another girl, because she will have lost "something very very amazing and special", but then said if I keep pushing to get back with her right now, it makes her feel uncomfortable.

    She wanted me to make a decision to eliminate all contact or talk as friends, but I said I didn't want to play by her rules, and my choice was to keep things open and let our future interactions happen naturally, to which she agreed. After the initial break, she always replied to me quickly when I initiate contact, and many times have told me to "contact her anytime I want" "don't hesitate to talk whenever I want" etc. She has also initiated non essential/casual contact a few times.

    Our last proper contact was a light and fun non-stop 2hr txt conversation on Aug 23, and I've been in NC (no contact) with her since and will prob keep it, coz everytime after I contact her I feel like its a mind f*ck afterwards. But she did like+comment on some fb photos I uploaded on sun (Aug 26), which she hasn't done since way b4 the breakup.

    I know I've played it badly after the initial break by pleading and keeping low contact, but do you guys think there is any hope left, or its best for my own sanity to go strict NC and heal from now on?

    The heartbreak is agonizing and now I know what it feels to be dumped by someone you love

  2. #2
    MrDiesel is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Any chance if she broke up due to age gap

    Just abit of update on something unexpected that happened today, completely confused me and I don't know what to make of it :S

    Today we had to work together, and after we finished work, I got me and her to sit inside my car so we can talk. We talked for about 2 hours, and the first 1.5 hrs was really good, lot of laughter, joking and chatting. She also told me how happy she was out clubbing with her friends last friday night. During the period she asked several times if I was "alright (as in if I was over the whole breakup thing and not hurting over her anymore)" coz she said during the last hour of work I looked sad / unhappy. I didn't really answer directly.

    Near the end of the talk, when she was about to leave, she rubbed my leg and asked me again if I was alright, I said "yeah I sort of am and isn't" and then she said "you'll be alright soon". Then I said "yeah, I will be, just like you are alright now."

    And then she started getting abit angry and frustrated, saying "just coz I told u I had a really good time with my friends last fri night, you say I'm alright? you don't know everything you know...you shouldn't assume... etc." And then I grabbed her and hugged her and she hugged back and there was alot of hand holding and she put her head on my shoulders/chest and I stroked her hair for a while. This went on for about 10 minutes inside the backseat of the car. We talked abit while hugging but was mostly stuck on the topic of "her being alright", and she continued to look sad / frustrated that I thought she was over me.

    After she got out of my car, she circled around to hug me actively, and I asked her if she would go park walking with me in the near future, she said "maybe". Then we parted.

    I am COMPLETELY confused as to why she would get pissed at me thinking that she's "alright" / overly me already, when she wants me to get over her?

  3. #3
    whitedragon is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Any chance if she broke up due to age gap

    She was upset because she is also going through the breakup. Just because she broke it off and went clubbing doesn't mean it's easy for her. When you break someone else's heart you break your own. 11 years is not that bad but more difficult for someone who is 19 and especially because she didn't know. Tell her snap out of it, that you are in the golden era of being a young man, tell her you are the same age at heart and soul and that love is a union between heart and souls not a school age division (some touching sh1t), neg her very gently for being childish and pounce on her (if you want her back). Otherwise sail off into the sunset like Clint Eastwood and hit the next jackpot around the corner and get on with your lives.

  4. #4
    Alexander Nicoles Advice is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Any chance if she broke up due to age gap

    Age should never really be an issue especially in your situation.The problem could be that she is still young and may not fully be mature enough to understand what a relationship is all about. That may be a disadvantage of dating a youngster.

    You can win her back but you have to do your homework and find out what is actually keeping the two of you apart. If it really is age, then you can conclude that shes young and needs sometime to grow but if its another deeper reason, then you have to solve it. I would have given you additional details to this if circumstances permitted

  5. #5
    MrDiesel is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Any chance if she broke up due to age gap

    Thank you both for your input! The info is greatly valued and I will take them into deep consideration.

    I think the deeper reason is that she feels being with me right now will feel like I'll be shackling her into a serious long-term relationship and marriage too soon, whereas she's still got so many things she wants to do before she gets married. If I can somehow show her that's not the case and my age is not going to affect all the fun she still wants (which I enjoy too), then I have a chance to get her back. She also said that if she can get her head around accepting the age gap somehow, then she wants to be back with me.

    Interestingly, last night in her texts she mentioned she wanted to discuss "why I thought she's alright/over me already" next time we talk. Surprised me alot why the whole issue bothered her so much, so will see where that talk goes.

    @Alexander - if u have any other additional age gap issue details u are willing to share, I will be very greatful

  6. #6
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    BatMan is offline PUA All Star
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    Default Re: Any chance if she broke up due to age gap

    She definitely needs time to absorb the situation and work through it herself. In the meantime you can't be her emotional tampon. She has to know what it feels like to be without you and give her the fear of loss. Never verbalize this mind you. No one wants to be forced into an emotion that they aren't ready yet. Just let your actions do most of the talking. She already knows she can have you back whenever she wants. While she is sorting things out I think you should disappear for a bit. I know you work together and she will most likely contact you, but your power lies in indifference. You have to look at your touch and attention as a reward and also a behavior reinforcement tool. And you have been giving plenty of both. She needs to know what it feels like to no longer know what's in your head and what its like to not be able to turn to you if she needs to talk. She doesn't get to get her cake and eat it to.
    "All things are subject to interpretation. Whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth."

  7. #7
    MrDiesel is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Any chance if she broke up due to age gap

    Thank you for the advice

    I've been in NC since Sep 1 so thats 11 days so far. First few days were ok but it got VERY hard around 7-9 days mark where this huge urge to contact her flooded over me. I had to fight it SO hard.... Fortunately I didn't give in, and now its not so bad anymore.

    I have read a few "get back together" books including "text your ex back", which suggests going NC until you feel indifferent (emotionally stable), then can send a text which reminds her of a positive memory, as a way to re-initiate contact.

    Her fav color is purple and she used to to talk about how in spring (spring just started here in australia) all the blossoming purple flowers made her feel like in heaven. So if I do feel like sending a txt in next few weeks, I'll "attack" with that topic.

  8. #8
    whitedragon is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Any chance if she broke up due to age gap

    Quote Originally Posted by MrDiesel View Post
    Thank you for the advice

    I've been in NC since Sep 1 so thats 11 days so far. First few days were ok but it got VERY hard around 7-9 days mark where this huge urge to contact her flooded over me. I had to fight it SO hard.... Fortunately I didn't give in, and now its not so bad anymore.

    I have read a few "get back together" books including "text your ex back", which suggests going NC until you feel indifferent (emotionally stable), then can send a text which reminds her of a positive memory, as a way to re-initiate contact.

    Her fav color is purple and she used to to talk about how in spring (spring just started here in australia) all the blossoming purple flowers made her feel like in heaven. So if I do feel like sending a txt in next few weeks, I'll "attack" with that topic.
    Just because you are not intimately together does not mean you cannot text her. You can continue to inspire her or make her laugh. If you try freeze outs you run the risk of her starting to look elsewhere or the connection between the two of you will wilt away. I would decide what you want and go for it because you are after all the leading man and she is young and (I don't mean this in a bad way) emotionally fickle. I personally think it's ok to contact her, ok to bring up past memories, definately ok to bring up some sexual Tension...just try avoid getting too lovely dovey and long term focussed. Waiting a few weeks is missing opportunities. Ive heard women before say 'I need time' and mostly it has been garbage. I would use the time not to sit around twiddling your thumbs waiting for her to miraculously come back to you but on engineering the situation so there is a stronger bond between you - that you are unique and she will never find a guy like you ever again, or that if she does not date you, plenty of other girls, possibly even younger will. You have to make the age difference not just worth it but desirable for her. No contact gives her no reasons to do this. You also have to dig deep within yourself and ask if this is what YOU really want long term and look beyond the sentimentality of your thoughts with some cold logic. Its all or nothing. Either try your best to make it happen with her or move on. In between is no-mans land where you get emotionally screwed around 'waiting'.

  9. #9
    MrDiesel is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Any chance if she broke up due to age gap

    I see what you mean, its definitely worth considering!!

    I can think back to the mentality I had before we hooked up, which is pretty cocky & funny & crazy and it worked well to initially attract her back then, coz she said everything about me and her just felt so right.

    However the age gap is like a huge barrier in her mind now and my previous "weapons" may not be enough. Would you be able to suggest anything specific I can read & practice on which might be of benefit in this case?

  10. #10
    whitedragon is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Any chance if she broke up due to age gap

    Quote Originally Posted by MrDiesel View Post
    I see what you mean, its definitely worth considering!!

    I can think back to the mentality I had before we hooked up, which is pretty cocky & funny & crazy and it worked well to initially attract her back then, coz she said everything about me and her just felt so right.

    However the age gap is like a huge barrier in her mind now and my previous "weapons" may not be enough. Would you be able to suggest anything specific I can read & practice on which might be of benefit in this case?
    Well I think it's two things that are bothering her 1) is the age gap 2) is the fact she didn't know about it for a long time. That is not your fault. In all honesty it would be tons easier if she was early 20's than 19 because a lot happens in the transition between school and career so to speak. To your advantage you are not late 30's/40's which adds a generation gap in there. Unlike other cultures, in the west (particularly somewhere like australia) she may also be a little embarrassed within her friends circle. 'What you're dating a guy THAT old' haha. Being young, her peer group pressure may still be strong. I don't know what her peer group is like - is she social or more of a loner? If she is quite social I would recommend ensuring you are accepted within her peer group as another 'youthful guy'. She will feel far more comfortable if her friends are also comfortable - and her family (if you are serious about LTR). I would also recommend getting her to snap out of her emotional 'decision making' ambience. Being young she simply does not have the life experience to make such big decisions but you can, so make them for her. And the decision is 'why are you overthinking this babe? Lets go ang get pizza!'. As I said before I would go for all or nothing. Call her up and try to start hanging out again. Hanging out doesn't mean commitment but hanging out for fun. 'Hey I have tickets to this' or 'C'mon springs here, lets go to the park and catch up for lunch'. The age gap is not a generation gap so tease her a bit on the 'gap' being HER not YOU. You are already a mature man - it is HER who is still the little girl! It is HER Mindset (and possibly her peers) that is forcing her to worry about all sorts of things in the future, which may or may not happen. She has likely snowballed all this emotional pressure into an avalanche and doesn't know how to shovel out. Bring it back to snowflakes. You can say 'geez I'm not asking to marry you, I'm asking you to come watch my mates band play'. If she insists she 'needs more time' you can use that to your advantage 'Age gap? Time gap? What is this Dr Who? Just kiss me. I know you want to'. If you can't crack her completely move on with your life and find other girls. She may come back into your life another time.


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