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Thread: Recent Break Up- Need Advice Please

  1. #1
    Viking12345 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Recent Break Up- Need Advice Please

    Ok guys this is a bit long-winded but I’m new to pua so some advice would be greatly appreciated also tips on where I went wrong, what I could have done better, criticism or even praise.

    I recently dated this girl I met through online dating, HB8 maybe 9 but more importantly she had an amazing personality as opposed to being as dull and vapid as most other women I spoke to online. She is 2 years older than me, 23 and lives 2 hours away. We spoke a lot and built a lot of attraction before meeting. I was never really looking for a relationship and she was aware of this but I quickly became infatuated. She was the first person I actually met online and I f-closed on the first date, however being very new to pua I had gone without any action for almost a year so the sex was pretty bad on my behalf.

    Despite that we agreed to meet again. Was very much in the comfort stage, used terms of endearment, conversation flowed really well, had great rapport etc. Anyway she bailed on our second date, due to a bipolar episode which she had never previously mentioned. This actually led both of us to open up to having feelings for each other (bad move?). We then agreed to meet again (her suggestion) although the time we agreed upon wasn’t ideal as she had other plans which she had ‘apparently’ forgotten about. She told me to keep thinking of ideas for our next date but after twice being messed around I tried no contact which lasted almost a week until she got angry at me for not messaging her. I told her I was seeing how long I could go without messaging her and I was busy, she then had a complete turn around and told me we’re not suited and it was immature to play games with her so she didn’t want to see me. Initially I agreed so as not to be needy or AFCish.

    A few days later I vented and accused her of using me for an ego boost and validation as well as being hypersexual which upset her and she explained how she thinks I am ‘awesome’ but she still felt upset about a break up months ago with a guy who lives overseas, (she cheated on him) and she can’t handle the distance thing again. So despite me still wanting her we kind of ended things on good terms and she said maybe if we’re both single in a few months we could try again.

    So I decided not to contact her again but a few weeks later she messaged me on the dating site telling me she missed me along with some flirting back and forth. A day later she told me she doesn’t want anything and she shouldn’t have messaged me because she’s too busy and can’t deal with hurting me and again she said maybe we could try again in the future under different circumstances (distance, depending on if we’re single etc.) but she said she couldn’t guarantee anything as she was considering moving overseas in the future, she also encouraged me to continue seeing other people and not to wait for her.

    So I tried not contacting her again except a week later I questioned her intentions and asked her why she told me she missed me. I didn’t get a clear answer so I again pretty much accused her of using me for emotional validation since the whole time I continually saw her online on the dating site. I told her if she doesn’t want me now I’m not going to be a back-up option for her in the future. She then accused me of being immature for mentioning that I’ve been with other people since yet still can’t forget her and she admitted to having seen or dated other guys the whole time she was making excuses about being too busy etc. She actually seemed jealous.

    I never got an answer but I knew sex was really important to her (she is much more experienced than myself which is probably the reason she ended things) so it appears as though the whole time she was too afraid to say this and continued to string me along and use me to boost her ego while she slept with other guys. I called her out on this and was a little nasty but basically said goodbye and wished her well. She then said she doesn't owe me an explanation but she also admitted to caring what I think about her. I'm not sure whether that means she still likes me?

    Now the messed up part, I still like her and I really want to see her again. I’m willing to go without contact and continue seeing other people, the fact that I managed to f-close a hot 23 year old in my first real attempt at online dating and she was genuinely interested in me at one point has given me some confidence yet I kind of get jealous at the thought of other guys seeing her, despite her faults she is amazing. I deleted my dating profile mostly because I didn’t want her to have the satisfaction of seeing me appear as desperate as her in using it so much. Given the fact our lives are so separate and we have no mutual friends or will ever likely run into each other I am now pretty much non-existent to her. Would it be best to tell her right now how much I want to see her/miss her or should I wait a couple more weeks (it’s been almost 2 weeks since I broke contact) and risk her having met someone else or should I avoid telling her altogether? I could basically just say ‘hello’ “such and such reminded me of you”…'insert neg' ‘how are you going?” and start gaming her all over again which almost seems like a waste. I don’t understand how she could go from being so keen to ending things and completely switching off her feelings since. I realise telling her I liked her was a big mistake but initially it only seemed to increase her interest.

    Some advice would be great please!

  2. #2
    Express27 is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: Recent Break Up- Need Advice Please

    Look, this girl doesn't seem like someone you should even think about trying to get in a LTR with. She is obviously sleeping around a lot and cheated, which farked her last relationship up. I would just go NC with her. If you keep pursuing she'll likely grow more tired of you and at that point you'll have no chance of hooking up with her again. Put this girl in your back pocket...if she re-engages with you, than run game as you normally would, with a focus on changing her mood. Make her think of you as someone she would be lucky to spend more time with and not the other way around. Make her laugh and try to tease her when possible. Don't try to rationalize with her, just try to make her more attracted to you in attempts to hook up with her again.

  3. #3
    Viking12345 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Recent Break Up- Need Advice Please

    Thanks for the advice!
    After coming across pua and especially seeing it work so successfully I was always reluctant to enter a LTR I figure you only get to spend your 20's once, why not make up for my inexperience, but she 'seemed' really awesome. She admitted herself that I am someone she would be lucky to spend more time with. She thought that by spending time with me she could be 'good through association.' She also said I was great at being able to make her laugh and I did tease her quite often, even when rationalizing which is why I don't understand how things turned out so badly after looking so good? I pretty much let her chase me but lately it seems the other way around. Is it possible to recover from bad sex? I feel that's what the problem was in the end even though she was aware she was a lot more experienced than me.
    Given it was also a very short term thing and our lives are so seperate, I feel that she could easily forget about me. Or maybe being unaware she'll find me more intriguing? If she doesn't re-engage when would be an appropriate time for me to try and recover things? Is there a way of recovering without becoming too AFC?

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Recent Break Up- Need Advice Please

    As someone who had a really turbulant relationship with a hyper-sexual girl who was bi-polar and had bpd I can see a lot of my ex in the girl you described. I know this isn't what you want to hear but run, run as fast as you can. PUA strategy is null and void here. Your trying to play emotional games with somebody who is *emotionally unstable*, which is as effective as trying to fight a tiger blindfolded... your going to get mauled. She's diagnosed bi-polar which means she probably knows all about neuro-linguistic conditioning (which the whole discipline of PUA is built on).

    These girls are experts at playing the 'perfect' girlfriend, they suck you into their reality and make you the king of it... until the next episode. You'll get high off the self esteem boosts they give you and you'll feel like their saviour, but its all a mirage. I had exactly the same experience as you when I first met her...great first date... f**k close... flakey behaviour... no second date... awkward text experience/told me she was still not over an ex. Then I bumped into her about six months later and things got real heavy, real fast and a lot of fun. Six months later, she flipped again. I wont go into details but it was a train wreck.

    Don't beat yourself up about the sex, believe me it had *nothing* to do with it... some girls are just screwed up, and trouble (which is kinda fun), just be glad your out of it before you got too involved.

    Good luck with everything pal, PM me if you wanna talk, I know how much of a headf**k these types of girls can be.
    A born again hooligan only to be King again.

  5. #5
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    Default Re: Recent Break Up- Need Advice Please

    I agree with the guys above. They said most of what I would. I don't think it was the sex at all. Its her emotional instability. I highly don't recommend an LTR. Her emotional episodes, long-distance, and history of cheating all adds up to bad, bad, bad. However, I understand your need to try and switch the situation in your favor to at least KNOW you can have her whenever you want, which is something I hope will be good enough and you won't pursue anything serious.
    I think one of the biggest mistakes was telling her that you PURPOSEFULLY ignored her for a week. AND told her if she didn't want you at that moment, to forget the future. You NEVER want to try and force an emotion on a woman. If you've ever seen the moving Inception (best movie btw) they talk about how implanting an idea in someone's mind is difficult because the person would know it wasn't their idea. So telling a woman things like "I wanted to see how long I could go without texting you" or " if you don't want me now...." are attempts at trying to get her to feel something she would KNOW wouldn't be genuine. Therefore she will become rebellious. It has to be genuine so you could've left it with "I've been busy." If you feel that that isn't a good excuse to explain why you haven't contacted her in a week, then good. That's what its suppose to do. She may not believe you and will get her curious of what the REAL reason is. So let her get curious about you. Become the puzzle she wants to solve
    "All things are subject to interpretation. Whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth."

  6. #6
    Viking12345 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Recent Break Up- Need Advice Please

    Thanks for the advice guys, I really appreciate it. Just to clear a few things up and maybe help better understand the messed up situation here’s another longish post so sorry in advance, if you have any further advice that’d be great.

    I’m not sure if she’s bi-polar that’s an assumption I made after she told me of her depression. She definitely had her head screwed on. She didn’t want to get by in a ‘medicated stupor’ and hid her depression because she didn’t like people seeing her differently. This is actually led me to be so open with her. I’m pretty vague about bpd but some elements of that sound like her. She is one of those rare girls who’s really sweet, funny, attractive and super intelligent yet not socially retarded (almost kind of wise). She seems way too fun/happy to be depressed (I did question if she was even depressed and not just feeling sad about cheating on and subsequently breaking up with her overseas boyfriend). I don’t think she was aware of any ‘neuro-linguistic conditioning’ or ‘game’. In hindsight it was actually her chasing me; she asked for my number and suggested our first date (which other than the sex, did actually go really well. The conversation was great there were no awkward silences, we both had fun.) She was also keen for the second date and felt really bad about flaking so she planned on coming to visit me next time instead. We pretty much messaged or spoke everyday and I regret using NC after I thought she had gone cold, ‘Batman’ was right, it seemed to really ruin things. I think that is what made her reconsider and ‘check the market’.

    After she initially ended things she got kind of jealous and angry when I mentioned how I had seen another really awesome girl who I kind of put in my back-pocket once I began seeing her. She did later apologise for her reaction and told me she definitely hasn’t lost respect for me. I contacted her again a week later when she showed up in my ‘matches’ on Okcupid (we met on another site unaware of each of us were used Okcupid as well) I pointed out the irony in it, I was mostly being funny and nice and making light of a few things. I also questioned her intentions after seeing some of her quiz answers. The ones that stood out were; ‘Which is more important…?’ she answered: ‘Discovering their body’, my answer; ‘discovering their personality,’ and ‘would you dump someone if they’re bad at sex?’ her answer ‘yes’. She also answered ‘yes’ to ‘would you date someone just for sex?”‘She disputed my questions and told me she loves sex but it’s not the ‘be all’ to her. She also told me she hated how I still thought highly of her telling me she is not a ‘very good person’ and ‘us ending* is probably a blessing in disguise’ for myself (*I never really considered us a couple) and that I’m full of ‘good traits’. So we ended things on good terms.

    About a week later I messaged her again and despite not believing it said to her that discovering her profile helped me to see how badly suited we would’ve been. I then accused her of being hypersexual and questioned whether or not she actually liked me or if it was just a validation seeking thing. She then guilted me into thinking I was wrong. Those comments made her feel sick so I apologised retracted what I said and also completely opened up and cleared up a few other things I ended by telling her; As much as I was angling towards apologising and hinting at how much I'd like to see you again, the reality is we'll probably both, perhaps you moreso than me, have the question of "is he/she really a crazy person?” in the back of our minds and it'd probably only be awkward given I doubt neither of us would have the same amount of attraction as we initially did. That said, I wouldn’t be opposed if in all unlikelihood you convinced me otherwise.” This actually led her to open up and she told me about her ex who she met late last year while he was holidaying. She said it was so intense and saw him as ‘the potential love of her life’. After she told him she’d cheated he shut her out completely. She told me she felt like she had been grieving as she didn’t even get a final goodbye, this all happened just before she was about to visit him (had me confused about her claim of not being able to handle long distance given the small distance between us in comparison). Her words; combine grieving with absolute self loathing and that’s how I have kind of felt all year. And then I met you. Someone who for a second made me think I was deserving.... And also that I could feel normal again. Someone who was so inherently good, that maybe i could be good by association. But I’ive never shaken that feeling of being broken.....despite how awesome you are.She went on to tell me she is queen of self-sabotage and told me she always finds a way to ruin things for herself then admitted she probably subconsciously let’s guys use her because she feels that’s what they want (her body and/or bedroom abilities) and they don’t care about her personality. She finished by explaining; I dont know what im trying to say here. As you have already said, I think too much has been said/done for us to go back to seeing each other in that more positive light. And I think we did have the whole distance thing against us, (my personality does not deal with distance. I’ve tried like 4 times and it sucks more each time) so I guess I’m extending an invitation to be friendly/stay in contact.....and when you end up moving here and if we both happen to be single....well maybe we'll have a better chance second time round. Thoughts?

    Even once I shared my thoughts that was the last I heard from her until a couple of weeks ago when she messaged me online telling me she missed me and proceeded to hijack a multiple choice score based quiz I had created on my profile providing her own answers and showing amazing/funny she really is. I re-wrote my profile after we stopped talking and she told me she was reading it and finding me ‘cute’ all over again.

    I think the reason she reinitiated was because she actually got buyer’s remorse from seeing other guys and once she backflipped again I nastily accused her of this. Is there a way of recovering without becoming too AFC? Something casual would be nice. Bear in mind the last couple of times we spoke was quite heated and we agreed to end communication, we broke this and she was still angry/bitter about me calling her out on her behaviour yet she told me ‘she doesn’t care what most people think of her but for some “silly reason” she cares what I think (I don’t understand why she’d care unless she liked me?). I wished her well for probably like the fifth time but didn’t get a goodbye in return.

    I don’t want to keep pursuing or for the reasons Express mentioned but I don’t think she will re-initiate. I also want to retain a bit or pride and not appear to be all ‘lovey stalker mode’. If I do re-engage (I’m in two minds about it now so I’m not sure I will) would it be better to tell her I miss her/apologise or start over again and run game as I normally would (which worked really well)? I’m sorry to hear about your situation Gonzo it does sound very similar and thanks for the advice, I hope everything has gone well for you since. It’s made me even more wary than I was but despite now even having a tiny bet of resentment for how she treated me and against all my better judgement I still like her. She is truly unique in the sense that she makes otherwise decent chicks appear vapid in comparison.

  7. #7
    Victory37 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Recent Break Up- Need Advice Please

    ....RUN and NEVER look back bro

  8. #8
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    Default Re: Recent Break Up- Need Advice Please

    The only way that I notice to handle these kinds of women is to have a strong reality.

    She is extremely good at manipulation and she doesn't even know it. I play the "I'm not good enough" card with women quite often. All it does is set her up as a challenge that needs to be won. All her self beating is her trying to get validation from everyone around her. She is setting all kinds of frames that she is depressed and isn't good and feels bad for what she did blah blah. This shapes people around her to treat her a certain way. It requires a man to have a strong sense of self and reality to handle her.

    If she would've told me how she isn't good enough I would just smile at her and say "Pretty dramatic kind of person aren't ya?" Then talk about something else. If she continues to feel sorry for herself around me I would tell her "You're going to have to try something else to get your fill of validation from me for the day." You just can't play her games and honestly, my friend, you have been. Things like questioning her profile trying to "figure her out" is just costing you so much attention/focus/energy that further gets you invested into her when you shouldn't be. You have to come at her that "This is my world, my rules. You don't like? Well bye!" This takes time so I think you should take a month or two off from her and further your game. You just need to be in a better spot to be able to handle her correctly and not trap yourself in another LTR with her just because she pathetically sets herself up as the challenge you need to win over. YOU are the challenge SHE needs to win over. Not her.
    "All things are subject to interpretation. Whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth."

  9. #9
    Gonzo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Recent Break Up- Need Advice Please

    Mate, you sound so much like me about 4-5 months ago it's unreal. Please take a step back from the situation and get back to you before you lose yourself anymore to it. Victory37 put it best.

    In the end the only way I could salvage my sanity was to go round to her house, throw her stuff in with her housemate and blow her off by email. I had to get out of there... in return I got a 2000 word email back ending with twelve 'go f**k yourself's'. And thats it, I was free... I wont pretend it didn't kill me... one of the hardest things i've ever done was decide not to play her games anymore... I missed her like crazy, still do a bit. I bumped into her at a club last week, first time i've seen her since the split, and her and her posse stared holes through me like they wanted to kill me. My f**k you back was showing her I was having fun without her with other hotties.

    IF you do want to keep playing... and my advice is don't (but then again if I always followed my own advice i'd be the champion of life).... then I will say that the only thing that could have possibly saved my relationship is doing absolutely nothing, distancing myself until she had sorted herself out. Formulating, strategising and over-analysing every scrap of information and message you had will just drive you crazy... you can't save her, you wont be the white knight, stop thinking like that. With that i'm with BatMan, you need to take the power back.
    A born again hooligan only to be King again.

  10. #10
    Gonzo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Recent Break Up- Need Advice Please

    P.s. I want to throw it out to the floor... how appropriate are mental health questionnaires on first dates? I'd really like to avoid similar situations in the future...
    A born again hooligan only to be King again.


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