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  • 1 Post By whitedragon
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Thread: Dinner Next Week With Ex of 1 Month: Advice Please!

  1. #1
    dr298 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Dinner Next Week With Ex of 1 Month: Advice Please!

    I can't decide what to do and I'm hoping you guys may be able to help. At the end of the day, I really want this girl back. I think she's great and that she probably lost interest in me because I made myself too available to her. There are also commitment issues on her part that may factor into this (I'll explain a little more further down), but I do firmly believe that she ultimately wants something serious in her life. Here's the background on the situation:

    We dated for 3 months. It felt like there was a real connection between us and I absolutely saw those feelings in her too.

    Three months into it, she told me that she felt like something between us was off...that our connection wasn't as strong as she thought it should have been after 3 months. She said she thought I was amazing and did all the right things a guy possibly could have done, but she felt like there should have been more of a connection. I made it clear that I didn't feel the same way, but didn't put up a fight, beg, etc. I just told her it was all really unfortunate and wished her well. This all happened a month ago.

    I went NC for about 2 weeks before I cracked and sent her a very brief email (about 3-4 sentences) telling her that I wish she would have talked things through with me before jumping to a decision because I feel like certain things that could have been worked on contributed to the way she felt. I told her she didn't need to write back if she didn't have any doubts about her decision.

    She wrote back a few hours later and said she couldn't say she didn't have doubts because I was an amazing guy etc., but that at this point in time, a relationship between us didn't feel right to her. She said she'd really like to be friends but completely understood if I didn't feel like I could handle that at this point. She also said she'd be glad to speak in person if there was anything I'd like to discuss with her. Drawing on crap's nonchalance strategy (and my own success with a past ex), I decided to take that approach and tell her that I accepted her decision and wasn't going to try to change her mind. I said that the idea of friendship took a bit of getting used to since everything was unexpected, but that I had no problem with it.

    She responded and thanked me for my understanding...and asked me to get dinner one night (she suggested next week, which was two weeks from that point in time). I agreed to meet her for dinner.

    I really want her back. I know that she hasn't found anyone else, but I also know that she felt the way she did about me for a reason. Here's my question, I guess:

    If I meet up with her, I can definitely handle myself well with her to the point where I won't seem needy, I won't bring up the relationship, and I can come across as genuinely happy with my life. I've been dating other girls since the breakup and I completely understand what needs to be done in order to move on. I'm not basing my life around a reconciliation by any means.

    At the same time, I really do feel strongly about her and I'd love to do whatever I could to try to pull off a reversal here. I didn't bring this up before, but I happen to be the most serious relationship she's ever had (and she's 29 years old). I was deliberately taking things VERY slow with her because I never wanted her to feel too overwhelmed, and part of me feels like I prevented myself from ever truly opening up to her because of this, which may have potentially fed into the lack of connection she ended up feeling.

    In light of all of the above, what would you do about our dinner plans next week if you were me? Here are the options as I see it:

    1. Go out with her, act completely nonchalant and happy with myself, bring up nothing about our relationship, and come across as really happy overall. Basically try to implicitly communicate what she's missing out on compared to any lame first dates she's been on.

    2. Put off the dinner by another week or two. Just send her an email and tell her something came up that night and see if she can reschedule. (Does this make her look like less of a priority to me and therefore factor into a bigger strategy that communicates non-neediness and lack of interest that makes her more interested?).

    3. Completely write this off as a lost cause and not even reach out to her about specifics regarding the dinner? Just cut off contact without an explanation.

    I really do want her back and it's more than just an ego thing or feeling the need to have her because of doubts that I can get someone else. I just want her. I've done more than my fair share of dating to know that she's what I'm looking for. I unfortunately think it may have come down to a combination of her lack of relationship history (with a possible underlying issue) and the fact that I made myself too available to her.

    I know that NC may be the conventional approach with most people, but since it was only 3 months and she was looking for a closer connection, part of me feels like the logical move is to go out with her, have a great time, and let her feel that connection on her own without me bringing up any actual issues.

    Appreciate any and all suggestions here. I hope I've explained the situation well enough to give you a basis for your opinion.

  2. #2
    Hopeful33's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dinner Next Week With Ex of 1 Month: Advice Please!

    id go with number 1 if you really want to give this another chance. i think she still likes you but she thought you two should be closer some how. girls are weird at times we all know this lol
    im on a different level

  3. #3
    whitedragon is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Dinner Next Week With Ex of 1 Month: Advice Please!

    Im going to be harsh but in life relationships either work out easily or don't. That you are her longest relationship at 3 months (and she's already 29) is enough to raise some concern of her past relationships and future potential. You can only sail for so long in a leaky boat. If a girl is dumping you because she thinks there should be a stronger connection it usually means it is she herself that has deep insecurities (cannot forge connections or communicate well) OR thinks you are wonderful but in her heart has a higher goal in mind. Maybe she wanted to be swept off her feet. You also don't know if she has found another guy or, at least, has been in communication with other guys or thinking about it. You would be suprised how many girls also keep a plan B in the loop - it's primal instinct. Girls often move on way faster than men because biologically they need a replacement 'provider' in case their 'hunter' is eaten by a sabre tooth tiger while out stalking mammoth

    If you go out for dinner there has to be a purpose you're asking her out (which is to get her back) so if you ask her out and then change behaviour or act chilled...she might be confused or see through your intentions. I know I wouldn't want a girl back that dumped me after 3 months. She will see through strategies of 'non neediness' and 'being happy with yourself' because you have asked her out in a situation where it is still plainly obvious you want her back no matter how chilled you try and act. You're better off being upfront and saying she is being silly and confused giving up on a catch like you and you should go home and fark each others brains out. Sexual compatability is the glue that keeps many healthy relationships together is it not? Don't say you want to get back with her, say she is missing out on a unique amazing person and she will never meet anyone similar ever again.

    But the bravest thing to do, and perhaps you know it in your heart already, is to break contact completely. This will test her to the max and put you back in control of your life. She ended it, you take it like a man and walk off to the next girl. If there is any true chance between you two, she will orbit back into your life and be chasing you realising HER mistake. She broke off with you for a lousy reason or has given you a false reason that is masking something else. You are not neccessarily at fault to the degree you might think.

    As hard as it is, the most Alpha thing to do is almost always the bravest. Choose the bravest most courageous big balls option. And that is to walk away and know in your soul you will find someone even better down the pipeline. A boat without leaks. A girl with more relationship experience. I have not had a girl break up with me since I was 14. You do not want to be always trying to get back with ex's. YOU want to be in the position of deciding whether the relationship continues or not. Look at the emblem on the bonnet of your life and not in the sentamental rear view mirror.

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Dinner Next Week With Ex of 1 Month: Advice Please!

    Really sucks you're going through this man. One of the toughest techniques to master, which I think could've really helped you, is frame control.
    She set the frame that there isn't a connection like she imagined and you accepted it. Usually what you want to do with that is to treat like Hoop Theory. You either take the hoop from her and have her jump through it, ignore it, or put a whole new hoop.
    First I think you should try to ignore it by focusing on changing her mood and not her mind. Show her the fun attractive guy she met. If this doesn't work then I'd put a whole new hoop.
    Its possible that if you downplayed her objections and showed her that she is being unrealistic of her expectations it may have shifted things. I know you did state that you didn't agree, but not sure of the details how exactly.
    She doesn't understand that everything in the beginning is considered the honeymoon phase. When she mentioned that things weren't as "magical" as she expected after 3 months is probably because the honeymoon phase was coming to and end. This is the point where you realize its not all puppy dogs and ice cream and you actually now have to put WORK into a relationship. Go figure. Of course she may not know this because she is used to quitting after the honeymoon phase and when the Accommodation phase starts where you basically learn how each other handle conflicts. Most people quit at this point.
    Be a strong man and let her know that if she wants something serious then she needs to be serious. Turn it around on her.( Remember YOU are the prize.) And that if she doesn't then she wasn't who you thought she was.
    It's better if you create a different conflict that you are in control of then to fall into hers. So basically tell her you understand her hang-ups, but that you don't agree. This is assuming that you didn't fully express this.
    Its very easy to think that when a woman says something is wrong in the relationship is to automatically believe her. If you read my quote at the bottom attached to my response it mentions interpretations. What it essentially means is that it's not really about who is right or who is wrong (truth), but who has a stronger frame (power). So just because she says that's the issue, doesn't actually make it the issue. So make a new issue that you are in control of.
    Now about dinner.....my first response is to flake on her, but not sure if that would help. That'll be up to your best judgment.
    If you do go to dinner then allow her to bring it up. If you think she won't then you will have to yourself. I mean....what guarantees you'll see her again right? So you will have to take the lead if that is the case since this is basically your last shot to plant a seed in her mind about the idea of getting back together.
    When you talk about it keep the theme of that you understand her side, but you have your own opinion and she at least needs to respect that, even if she doesn't agree. At a certain point in the interaction she may become receptive to your frame. If she does then start to talk about meeting up for something fun. Not for the sake of building something back, but just find something you wanted to do and that you'd love it if she tagged along. The point is to get off the subject and talk about the future. Again simply state your feeling and take the first opportunity to talk about something else as soon as you feel she is being receptive. Hopefully this helps out beings that this is just my single opinion so feel free to be skeptical
    "All things are subject to interpretation. Whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth."

  5. #5
    dr298 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Dinner Next Week With Ex of 1 Month: Advice Please!

    Quote Originally Posted by whitedragon View Post
    If you go out for dinner there has to be a purpose you're asking her out (which is to get her back) so if you ask her out and then change behaviour or act chilled...she might be confused or see through your intentions. I know I wouldn't want a girl back that dumped me after 3 months. She will see through strategies of 'non neediness' and 'being happy with yourself' because you have asked her out in a situation where it is still plainly obvious you want her back no matter how chilled you try and act.
    Thanks for the really well thought out response, whitedragon. The only thing I wanted to point out is that she was the one who asked me to get dinner once I agreed to go forward as friends.

    Don't know whether this changes how you'd handle the situation if you were me, but I thought I'd point this out. Thanks again.

  6. #6
    liukang75 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Dinner Next Week With Ex of 1 Month: Advice Please!

    She asked you out to dinner. I'm an opportunist so my advice of course would be to take advantage of the situation. Go and have a good time with her. When you say goodbye grab her firmly by the shoulders and kiss her, then push her away gently and say "I think we should just be friends". It's time to turn the tables on this broad.
    “The great mistake is to anticipate the outcome of the engagement; you ought not to be thinking of whether it ends in victory or defeat. Let nature take its course, and your tools will strike at the right moment.” -Bruce Lee

  7. #7
    whitedragon is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Dinner Next Week With Ex of 1 Month: Advice Please!

    Quote Originally Posted by dr298 View Post
    Thanks for the really well thought out response, whitedragon. The only thing I wanted to point out is that she was the one who asked me to get dinner once I agreed to go forward as friends.

    Don't know whether this changes how you'd handle the situation if you were me, but I thought I'd point this out. Thanks again.
    It works to your advantage but doesn't change the situation too much. The advice given by all of us is pretty similar: 'take control', 'change the frame', 'turn the table'.

    Women can often say things that are quite potent if taken literally but they often don't mean it so full on. You need to get her emotionally excited about being with you again and actually chasing you rather than you pleading to get back or stalemating in disagreements over what she said. You want to avoid reaffirming her 'decision' if you can.


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