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  1. #1
    alxnrwd is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default First love. Super complicated. Want to rebuild things. Strategies?

    LONG long story short.

    Met a girl at college senior year (3 years ago). We were each other's first really serious thing... but we are both relatively serious, super ambitious, career-driven people. Her more so than me; she's very feminist and doesn't drink at all.

    Relationship was great and we talked a ton about having a future together. Enjoyed the hell out of each other.

    She went abroad for a year because that's what she had planned after college, and we did long distance. Ended up with all the usual long-distance problems: I was resentful and took her for granted when she came back.

    We were planning to move to New York together, she got fed up with me trying to find the perfect job before I went, and treating her kinda badly, we got distant, and she ended up deciding to move without me. Then broke up with me.

    Breakup was about as bad as one could be, given that it basically blue-balled my life. Lots of shit said, lots of attraction lost, dug myself a massive, massive hole. Don't think I need to go into any more detail than that, shit's fucked.

    We've talked a few times since the breakup, which was 4 months ago, and I've gotten things onto slightly better terms between us. A month ago, told her I accept/understand the breakup, apologized for some things, and need some space myself. She said it was great to talk to me but definitely isn't remotely ready to consider getting back together.

    Now it turns out I'm moving to New York myself, January 1. I'll be in the city on and off starting later this month, trying to raise money for a startup company. And I'm going to be running a company out there, working for myself.

    Now: This is the only girl I've ever met that I could see myself marrying, and I really do miss talking to her. I'd really like to get back with her.

    But I don't want to scare her off.

    Any ideas for how to handle this? I'm torn about whether to re-initiate contact before January, given that I won't have my own place until then and will just be staying on friends' couches... not exactly the best situation from which to re-ignite attraction and project a strong, stable frame.

    We'll likely both be in New York for at least a few years.. given that's the case, do I have to slow play a little bit more? Should I just meet her for coffee when I'm out in New York very casually and see where things go from there? Any ideas/strategies.. much appreciated...

  2. #2
    M3RL1N is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: First love. Super complicated. Want to rebuild things. Strategies?

    I would for sure try and get yourself setup in NY before you even think about her at all. Don't try and contact her or run into her anywhere. Get established and feeling good about yourself, build a network of good friends out there, try and meet new girls. Later if she sees you're successful and in the same area, she will want to meet up with you. Maybe you'll meet someone you like better in the process, New York has so many beautiful women!

  3. #3
    whitedragon is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: First love. Super complicated. Want to rebuild things. Strategies?

    She's your first love. It's hard. You're still young. It's really hard in your situation to see down the barrel of time. Even if you moved to NY and actually got back with her, it will never be the same. You know that deep down. You perhaps want her back because you think her attention is miraculously going to heal your scars. Getting back with each other is the least likely situation to succeed long term but in a way also the easiest option for you to consider because you have not yet moved on from the breakup or sentimental feelings. You have no-one else to compare her too and you can't shake those feelings of love and hurt. Maybe you never will and that's ok. She is the only girl you have ever met that you would consider marrying because that is how young people think and she is your first love - she is, in a way, 'the only girl you have ever met' - but we're not in the 1950's anymore. It's natural to think that way because you do not have much parity. But many people have been in your situation and life doesn't have to be super complicated. You will meet many more girls in your life you will fall in love with or develop something special with. Concentrate on your career. Marriage in reality entails huge sacrifices, commitment to family (hers and yours) and of course children. You do not need to be thinking about that right now. Enjoy life and make the most of being young and free before mortage/diaper lockdown hits you later on over the head.

    If you apply some logic to the situation you will come to realize only time will heal your wounds and the idea of you two living happily ever after is a fairy tale. She is not the medication you need - time and new experience is. The bravest and strongest thing you can do is to concentrate on yourself, as M3rlin suggests, and most probably in time you will meet someone even better, who is less dominant, has a drink and is more easy going. Someone who loves you for who you are, not what she wants you to be. It took me a couple of years to fully get over my first love and I broke it off. I also wanted to get back at times thinking I had made a mistake (because I didn't find someone better instantly and time had not yet rusted away the strong feelings of love and hurt) but in the fullness of time I am SO glad I stuck to my guns and ended it never to U-turn backwards. After a few years and many failed interactions I became much better with women, loved the freedom and control I had and ended up meeting much better suitable people - in all respects: looks, personality, body. Most importantly was personality because I had put my first love on a pedestal and realised many of her qualities caged me in and held me back - I accepted them because I was in love however irrational but ultimately I truly wanted someone more down to earth (part of the reason I broke off with her).

    You have to live your own dreams and find a compatible person to share those dreams. If its truly meant to be she will orbit back, but my gut feeling is you have to be a man and choose the bravest option which is to move on with your life (and allow her to move on with hers). Its extremely difficult to 're-build' love. Love is a flower. You can't graft the petals back on after they have been picked. You have to go back, till the soil, plant new seeds and wait.

  4. #4
    pua_wannabe is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: First love. Super complicated. Want to rebuild things. Strategies?

    Don't have a lot of experience in the first love department, but from the logical point of view a reconciliation doesn't seem like it will remedy this situation. Just pick yourself up and keep moving, the past is where it belongs. A wise man on this website once quoted a song the made me see the world in a bit of clarity maybe it can help you out...
    "You can't always get what you want
    But if you try sometimes well you might find
    You get what you need"
    Last edited by pua_wannabe; 09-20-2012 at 01:25 AM. Reason: clarity
    Take her off that farking pedestal!

    “The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it.”
    ― Flannery O'Connor


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